not happy with my life
Tom Bristol
> I think we have a personality type or personality failing ---- we are
> the sort who fall into a rut where we are materially comfortable while
> we are also free of the emotional risk taking of trying to find a
> mate. Spared both poverty and pain, we decide to stay in the orbit of
> this lonely but safe existence.
I am in a similar situation, but it is not from a personality failing. I
have a mild form of autism known as asperger syndrome, and this has
effectively prevented me from finding someone (a woman I mean). It's not
a personality failing as much as a complete incompatibility between me
and the rest of the planet. I am 34 years old now, and I have had only
two fleeting relationships with women. I have been celibate, not by
choice, for more than five years now, and seven years before that.
I do not get lonely in a general way. I have no friends and I want none.
I am happy being alone, and I have no need to socialize with people in a
general sense. Reading about things of interest, and posting on internet
mailing lists, is sufficient for me. I am very fortunate to have such
limited social needs, because interaction with people has always been
disastrous for me. I have been abused and ostracized by my so-called
peers for the majority of my life.
The one exception to not being lonely is that I want a mate. At this
point, I have realized that it is not going to happen for me, and this
is a tough pill to swallow. I am in my mid 30s, but I am definitely not
as mature as others in their 20s or 30s. As my normal peers continue to
mature and advance, I do not. I was out of step with them decades ago,
and as time has passed, it has gotten worse.
They have kids and careers and stuff, and I have never even come close
to any of that. Like one woman who posted in this thread, I am on
disability, and most women will not tolerate that. They want a man that
makes money and has a career. They want a man that has some kind of
goal, which I cannot even imagine. They want kids, or else they already
have kids and want someone that is okay with that. I cannot imagine
that, because I do not like kids at all, and I never want any.
In addition, I do not like to do things. I pretty much want to stay at
home all the time. I do not like bars or parties, or anything like that.
I am not a social guy and I do not want to do social things. So when you
look at all of this in context of me being socially awkward in the
extreme, you see that it just is not going to happen. And I do not like
that.
Part of asperger syndrome is that I am unable to read body language, or
"read between the lines". So this means that if a female ever sent out a
signal that she was interested, I would never see it. I really cannot
tell a woman that is interested from one that would just as soon throw
me an anchor if I was drowning in the ocean. I really have no inkling at
all, ever, if someone likes me, and mostly they do not. I continue to
not be able to know when it would be obvious to even the most oblivious
normal people. And all of the silly games that people play confuse me. I
have no ability to know when people mean things other than what they are
saying. And around people I do not know, I get even more stiff and
awkward than normal, and people are very turned off by that.
I am less competent in dating and stuff than most people are when they
are teenagers. By the time you get to be my age, you are supposed to
have a level of experience with people, but I don't. They are all
divorced, or else career women that have spent all kinds of time
building careers, and want to have a family with a man that also has a
career. No one wants some socially inept, non working loser like me.
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