Fat Chicks Make the World Go Round
Delmore Suetweig
You wake up in a daze on a Saturday or Sunday morning from tidal-like
movements of something next to you on your mattress. While being thrown up
and down like a baby by its white-trash parents, you look beside you,
squinting through the morning sun beating a hole in your head. All you can
see is a fuzzy, flesh-colored mass. Still half asleep, you think back in
your mind, �What happened last night? Hmm, five shots of tequila shots in
a row�.� The mystery grows too complex for your hungover brain to
decipher. So you close your eyes, and fall back asleep.
Again, you are awoken by mysterious rumblings and bellows reminiscent of a
hungry wildebeest. As you start to regain consciousness and peer around
the room, pieces of the previous night start to come together. Your
clothes and what appears to be a pink parachute are scattered around your
floor. There are condom wrappers, open and empty on your nightstand, and a
combination of unwashed ass, dead body odor, and cheap vanilla perfume
lingers in the air. As you continue to scan the room for more evidence,
your legs rub against something oily and rough. You look next to you,
praying a pelican is trapped in an oil spill in your bed. No such luck�the
once fuzzy, flesh-colored mass has shaped into something you know too
well. As soon as you see it, the night floods back to you like waters
through a broken levee: you have fucked a fat chick.
We've all done it, no sense denying it. Having sex with fat girls is a
time-honored tradition, practiced by males across the country every
weekend. Often referred to as �hogging� or �whale hunting,� banging
fatties dates back as far as the Stone Age, when cavemen obsessed with
slaying large animals would sex up the fattest women, hoping for bigger,
stronger, and hairier offspring. The fascination with fatties was even
more evident during the Victorian Era, when women with prominent hips were
preferred by men of the time, who believed they were more well-suited for
child-bearing. The late twentieth century and early twenty-first century,
however, has seen the decline of sex with fat girls. This once accepted
ritual is now only performed by drunk and/or desperate guys, and possibly
the most famous lover of large women, Tom Arnold.
Now that you have been briefed on the history of love and the overweight
female, if you are still looking to pursue happiness through the
thunderous thighs of your stocky sweetheart, read on, as I will give you a
brief guide to pullin' fatties.
There are three main types of fat girls, each with a fairly simple
designation. Although none of these girls are generally acceptable for
relationship purposes, there comes a time in a man's life when he has too
much to drink, and the pursuit of the fat chick is inevitable.
1. Fat
The first type of fat chick is the least harmful of the tubby trio. She
ranges from 5-15 pounds overweight, usually as a result of skipping the
gym for a few weeks or poor eating habits due to breakups or stress.
Popular excuses for banging the fat girl:
�She isn't that fat.�
�She used to be skinny.�
�It's just the freshman fifteen.�
�I was drunk.�
2. Fattie
The second type weighs in between 20 and 35 pounds overweight. She has
always been a larger girl, but is known more as a fun party girl. She is
the girl at your college who is always flashing, even though no one really
wants to see it. She is loud, aggressive, and a drunken mess. She is often
seen at the bottom of a set of stairs, on her ass, with her drink raised
in the air. Every large group of girls at a party or a bar has one fattie
in the clique, generally known to her female counterparts as �the fat
friend.� Some people try to glorify her fatness by referring to her as
voluptuous; they are wrong. Voluptuous is just a fancy word for a fat girl
trying her best. Rest assured her friends are just too nice to insult her.
Popular excuses for banging the fattie:
�She has big tits.�
�She has a cute face.�
�She took advantage of me.�
�I was drunk.�
3. Unacceptable
The third type is the worst of the worst, and is easily recognized by her
prominent gunt.* She is 40+ pounds overweight; has a pungent, often acidic
body odor; and does not practice good hygiene. She does not realize that
she is undesirable to the sober eye, and tries to skank herself up by
wearing shirts that are too tight, leaving a strip of belly exposed. She
is often seen at the bar with her other ugly or fat friends, dancing in a
small circle with no one in a 10-foot radius.
Popular excuses for banging the unacceptable:
�I was drunk. Really, really drunk.�
That�s right, being hammered is the only possible excuse for having sex
with this girl�we�re talking borderline alcohol poisoning, not just
regular drunk. If she is seen leaving your room the next morning, expect
the maximum harassment from friends, family and strangers. Fucking girls
like this often result in tarnished reputations and embarrassing nicknames
(but you deserve it).
It�s not rocket science�the drunker you are, the skinnier she looks. As
you read this, somewhere, on a campus across North America, there is a
drunk guy molding a comfy spot on, and carving a little-used hole in a
200-pound chunk of human Play-Doh. In the morning, when he wakes up and
looks her in the eye, he will regret what he has done, but he will also be
honored, for he has participated in one of college�s great traditions�a
tradition that spans generations and has become as recognizable as the
kegstand, the frat party, or the date rape. He knows that though this may
be his first fat chick, it sure as hell won't be his last. And he accepts
that he will continue along this path until he finds the one lady he falls
in love with, because in life, as in video games and medieval legends, you
must slay the dragon before you get to the princess.
*Gut + cunt = gunt
Lady Veteran
<delm...@suetfactory.de> wrote:
Leave it to a European to think this is great sex. He should consider
himself lucky. He could have died a virgin.
LV
"I rode a tank and held a general's rank
When the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank."
---Sympathy for the Devil-The Rolling Stones
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"Some people are only alive because it is
illegal to kill them."
---Anonymous
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Diogenes
> ab...@aioe.org
>
> Leave it to a European to think this is great sex. He should consider
> himself lucky. He could have died a virgin.
>
> LV
abuse@filthy wetback douchebags. net
This from a yellowed-toothed,unemployable reprobate
that enjoys dressing in men's clothes
Wildhare
Jesus Christ, lost in the stereotypes much?
W.
Lady Veteran
wrote:
No. This is from a person who has all of her teeth and battles
reprobates. If I own a garment, it is a WOMAN's garment. Obsess much?