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Hypomanic Humor? -- from James

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James D. Milton

Dec 30, 1997, 3:00:00 AM12/30/97

"Unusual Things to Ponder Upon"

<Insightful comments are by a (hypo)manicky James. Note: I allowed myself
no longer than 10 seconds to come up with each response.>

<Note to my non-US friends. If you don't get the humor, don't worry --
they aren't worth that much anyway.>

1. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

<If it walks like one, talks like one, and doesn't echo like one, then it
must be one. Stupid!>

2. In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile
services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number
the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has Channels 2 and
up, but no Channel 1.

<Come to think of it -- I was beginning to think that Channel 1's
programming was getting rather repetitive -- and a bit too much snow for
my taste.>

3. The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the
shutter on backwards.

<Why am I not surprised? A Micro$oft bug soon becomes known as a
"feature". It probably can read backwards also.>

4. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The
following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced,
thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after
falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

<I don't remember that one. But I do recall: "Neither financier seized
either species of weird leisure." Be sure to remember that whenever you
get lost in the woods.>

5. The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which
are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

<No comment. That is what lawyers and politicians are taught to say when
they don't know what to say. It seems to work for them.>

<Actually I got stuck on "cleavage" -- but was too shy to admit that!>

6. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is "uncopyrightable".

<That's nothing. Can you spell: "supercalifragalisticexpealidoius"? Now
if I only knew what it meant, my life would be complete.>

7. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order,
as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

<No need to explain -- we all know what it means. Arsenious Hall was a
facetious black dude who was a former late night TV talk show host.>

8. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian
coat of arms for that reason.

<Frankly I prefer the ancient Greeks' parting cry to their warriors as
they left for battle: "With your shield -- or upon it!" Somehow having a
bird that can't fly and a world-class jumping jack act for national
symbols just don't cut it for me!>

9. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about

<Apparently they have never surveyed my neighborhood. On any night with a
full moon you can easily hear more than double those numbers --
unfortunately all night long! Where's my old shoe?>

10. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah
Mat, "which means "the king is dead".

<I wonder what's the Persian equivalent for "king me" is in checkers?>

11. "Pinocchio" is Italian for "pine head".

<An apt description if I have ever heard one.>

12. Camel's milk does not curdle.

<Of course not! How then would baby camels get their breakfast?>

13. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

<I suppose Seinfeld thinks he is.>

14. An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

<Yeah I know. I saw the movie -- but I think it was called "Jumanji".>

15. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean

<If it's good enough for them -- who am I to argue?>

16. The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

<Shhhhh! It is supposed to be Top Secret that the US Army has corned the
mule market.>

17. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.

<Hey! I thought of it first! Is that Reagan's claim to fame?>

18. All porcupines float in water.

<Those that don't -- fail to propagate.>

19. "Hang On Sloopy" is the official rock song of Ohio.

<That's plain silly enough just on it's own. No need for me to embellish
it any more.>

20. Did you know that there are coffee-flavored PEZ?

<I don't even know what a PEZ is. But if it has caffeine in it, I'll take
a gross.>

21. Loren Greene had his left nipple bitten off by an alligator while he
was host of "Loren Greene's Wild Kingdom."

<That's too bad! But we can all be eternally thankful that it was not
"Pamela Anderson's Wild Kingdom"!!!>

<I also was considering adding something about pitying Pamela Anderson's
poor alligator -- who eventually died of Silicosis -- but thought that
was just too silly.>

22. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

<Who needs a special light to tell where a cat has been naughty? Just
follow your nose!>

23. If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town
hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.

<If the town is planing on starting a Davey Crockett revival, somehow I
think that they are starting from the wrong end.>

24. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of
yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on
the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

<I wonder how the horses ever managed to slide down the firehouse pole in
time to ever put out a fire?>

>25. Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

<I like my coffee hot -- but that is ridiculous! I wonder if McDonalds
would ... Nah! They have already been in too much hot water this year.>

26. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the
name of the Don McLean song.)

<I've got nothing to say on this subject. I particularly liked Buddy
Holly's music -- especially "Peggy Sue". Sniff!>

27. Texas is the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the
same height as the U.S. flag.

<Why am I not surprised? A Texan doesn't realize that there IS anything
outside of Texas.>

28. The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an
"A" is Afghanistan.

<DUH! I seen to be at a total loss for words on this one.>

29. Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby
born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence.

<You've sure come a long way baby!>

30. When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They
actually pass out from sheer terror.

<A real panic attack! Try feeding them Klonopin to keep them alert the
next time the little critters raid your garbage.>

31. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

<A typical engineering oversight. They forgot to: P

! >


Beware of the following new computer viruses:

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but complains loudly about
foreign software.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to mysteriously reappear a
year later in another directory.

OJ SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you
just can't prove it.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files reported as the same size.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This virus doesn't horse around. Warns you of
impending attack: Once if by LAN, twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Doesn't identify itself as a "virus" --
instead, refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system just before
the whole thing quits.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Thier is sumtheng rong with yure coputter, but yue cant
fugyur outt watt!!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file in your computer.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up and the screen splits in half
with the same message appearing on each side. The message says that the
blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AMERICAN AIRLINES VIRUS: You're in El Paso -- but your data is in

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own

PBS VIRUS: Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy ... and then
self-destructs, only to surface at shopping malls, coffee shops, and
service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a shredder.

SEARS AUTOMOTIVE VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
battery, and shocks.

HEALTH CARE SYSTEM VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.


Hope that you enjoyed these!

However in rereading them in the plain light of day, they aren't nearly
as funny as they were last night -- when I was a bit on the hypomanic
side. Oh well, my "Great Thoughts" probably aren't so great either! :-(

Have a good 'un!



Dec 30, 1997, 3:00:00 AM12/30/97

thanks James,
good read.


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