Aug 21, 2021, 11:32:40 AM8/21/21
Profile photo for Dennis Procopio
Owner at Man-UP! Life Coaching (2011–present)Updated July 7
What should I do if therapy isn’t working? I’m a 35 year old male. Thanks.
This is very common, especially in men. Therapy can be great, but it
often doesn’t address the root cause of the problem.
Many of the guys I work with have tried therapy without success. What it
comes down to is that their mental dialog is based on a FAILURE script
instead of a SUCCESS script.
The failure script looks like this.
1) Judgment- You tend to be self-critical, and therefore critical of
others, causing significant stress.
2) Rage- Perpetual judgment feels like a constant attack and eventually
you either lose your temper or compartmentalize your anger.
3) Depression/Lethargy- When you compartmentalize your rage, you
basically turn the attack inward, and your system starts to shut down.
You lack energy. Motivation. Drive.
4) Insecurity- You aren't using your voice. You aren't expressing
yourself. You're operating from fear. You fear judgment. You fear failure.
5) Risk Avoidance- You lack the confidence to take risks. Sometimes
these risks are creative risks. Other times these risks are financial,
6) Stagnation- YOU ARE STUCK. You’ve hit a plateau. Your groove has
become a rut. You need to make a CHANGE, but again... you're risk
averse. And we're back.
7) Lack- This is not an abundance mindset, nor are you living up to your
full potential. Something is lacking. Everything is lacking. This isn't
winning. It's losing. This is FAILURE.
Instead, flip to a SUCCESS script.
1) Validation - This is the number one problem. You seek validation from
external sources. Comfort food. Dating sites. Social media. Video games.
Sports bets. Alcohol. Anything that gives you a dopamine hit. You must
learn to validate internally.
2) Happiness- Judgment comes from fear, happiness comes from love.
Eliminate self-judgement and you’ll begin to accept yourself as worthy
3) Motivation- Validation leads to motivation, PERIOD. Good teachers and
good parents know this. Maybe you had great parents, maybe not so great.
Either way, now it's time to Father your inner child. "Go get 'em,
Tiger! You've got this!"
4) Confidence- Instead of relying on others to fluff your wounded ego,
5) Risk Taking- If you want to grow, simply lean into your biggest
fears, or greatest discomforts. It can be something obvious, like
skydiving, or less obvious, like public speaking.
6) Change- When you take risks, your life begins to change and improve.
The key is persistence. Keep grinding, keep cool, and get stronger
through the process.
7) Opportunity- Change creates opportunity. Rather than sitting around
upset that you aren't getting any breaks, you will begin to find
yourself having really good fortune, and feel genuinely grateful.
Your issues are fixable. It just takes having the right script, and
having a good therapist or coach.
I hope this helps.
If therapy isn't for you, and you'd like to see how "The Bro-Coach
Approach" works, you can set up a call with me here.
Change has to start somewhere. Why not right now?
Man-UP! Life Coaching
Book a free 15-min strategy session
Profile photo for Patrick Dieter
I’m a huge fan of coaching, and you have some good ideas going on here.
Having said that, I think it’s extremely irresponsible for you to
suggest that someone in therapy should drop it and start a coaching
program. Your stuff is great for someone who doesn’t have a severe
mental illness and just wants to live a more fulfilling life. There’s no
way for you to know their diagnosis, however. Risky stuff and could get
you in legal trouble.
Profile photo for Marty Bowlby
Patrick Dieter great reply. Close to 70 I have spent many years with
people that have lived with Childhood Neglect in every form. Therapy has
always been put on the back burner to doctors and drugs to mask pain
that people carry with them. Therapy has always been unaffordable so of
course it hard to get good referrals when nobody can see a therapist for
a decent length of time. This guy did not address the question. There
have been 25 men in my family and friends that needed to address issues
that were far deeper then a coach could even touch.
Technology has come a long way. There is ways of getting help to find
the right therapist etc. In the past we were pretty forced to stick with
who we started out with. Talking to a young couple they have just in the
last three years been in individual therapy. They have moved to 4
different therapist till they found one that has actually addressed
issues that needed to be addressed.
I often thought that we have support groups for everything now. AA etc.
people need help more now then before. I know what it like to have
someone walk me through getting over the bitterness and hate that I
carried with me from a sick and abusive mother a coach wouldn’t did it