Aesexual Resource
Morgane
Cindy
> Morgane come on down:> Thanks for the link, but damn, I guess I'm not asexual either. Is there a
> page for people who are just, I don't know, really fucked up sexually? I
> don't mean BDSM; that's not fucked up, that's compltely normal. I mean I just
> cannot make any sense of the relationships between sexual desire, sex, and
> relationships, and I actively avoid relationships because of this.
>
> Yeah I know I probably need therapy. Sigh.
>
Well, are you a submissive, then?
Cuz I just totally "get" that, and it's not exactly uncommon.
-- Cu.C
SilverOz
Norton Zenger <rusho...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> So it's been five and a half years since I've had sex. I like to complain
> about it from time to time, but I'm not serious; the truth is, it doesn't
> really bother me at all. Do I want to have sex again? I don't know. Maybe.
> It's not really at the top of my list of priorities, apparently unlike every
> other guy in the universe. Does sex _bother_ me? Do I _mind_ it? Well, no,
> I'm not horribly traumatized it or anything like that. I just don't enjoy it
> as much as, judging from other people's indications, I'm supposed to.
So far you are me.
I don't see my self as asexual, because I know damn well I can be
quite sexual in the right circumstances. Doesn't last that long
before I lose interest, sometimes longer than others, and I don't
really feel I'm missing much. 5 years without a motorcycle I'd be
loony, 5 years without a shag, I don't much care.
> The point is, I'm not really sure I'm asexual. For instance, I have an awful
> lot of porn for an "asexual". Jesus, do you know how much porn there is on
> the Internet? Holy cow. It's fuckin' AMAZING. And you know it just kind of
> builds up and before you know it you have thousands on thousands of pictures
> of naked women all tied up. I don't know how it happens, it just does.
I like good BDSM porn although it's hard to find. Stories rather
than pics, but pics that aren't too "bored blonde in sloppy bondage"
or "two women in laughable gear going for the hetboy market and
overacting in consequence" do turn up.
> For another thing I do, in fact, masturbate. I don't really advertise this
> fact a lot, because frankly you people don't want to know that about me, but
> this is a coredump, so I'm letting it all hang out here. I'm never going to
> make sense of all this if I'm not completely candid here. Anyway I
> masturbate, and I enjoy it. Well, most of the actual "masturbation" part got
> old after about the thirty-thousandth time I did it, but the "orgasm" part?
I wouldn't mind one of those. I like what I get, but it's not earth
shattering or anything. I wonder if having one would make a
difference to my feeling that sex is OK for 5 minutes but after that I
prefer a good book?
> me. They're hard work. I mean they're worth it, but they're hard work, and
> they require more energy than I have right now, given that I'm sleeping twelve
> hours a day and barely making it through the (ridiculously easy) classes I
> take.
When I was in weird headspace that was like PNT 24/7, before I
discovered glutamine, it definitely made my relationships worse. I
seem to be over that now, and don't take glutamine any more, but I
think I am still mildy depressed. Of the "can't quite get out and do
things" kind, not the "need the drugs" kind.
I don't think the depression made a big differnce to my attitude to
sex though, that was similar before, during, and after.
> reliable that the average person, upon first having sex, climaxed within 4.5
> seconds. In actual fact... well, I'll come right out and say that I haven't
> _ever_ climaxed as a result of sex. At first I tried to tell myself that it
> was just the drugs, but then I tried it during a time when I wasn't on drugs,
> and I had the same result. A lot of effort, no reward. Well, I mean, the
> other person involved enjoyed it, and you know that was nice, but we weren't
> in a relationship or anything and frankly I'm not that much of an altruist.
Hear hear! I don't mind the occasional bit of altruism but so many
times I wanted a book to read until he'd finished.
I note that the ones who reckon they are great lovers have even less
patience than I expected. Given my druthers, ones who weren't goal
focused were the best but it was still a lot of fuss over nothing.
> I'm better off now than I would be if I was stuck in a lousy relationship.
> Now the question is, in a relationship, would I grow to like sex, or would it
> be something I'd put up with (and I would put up with it) for the sake of the
> relationship? I don't know.
I found sex was more appealing in a relationship than out of it, but
not by heaps.
> Then there's the whole BDSM thing. I enjoy BDSM. Is it sexual? Well I think
> so, except I think I like it _more_ than sex. So maybe I should say sex is
> BDSMsual.
Heh. good call! I see it as my sexual orientation. I have no sexual
feelings that aren't tied up with it in some way.
I like it more with someone than without because I get into that
subspace headspace that is the main motivation for me. Sexual
feelings are pleasurable, but if I had to choose between subspace and
my experience of sexual feelings, be subspace every time.
Topping's mild fun, but no more than that. Fun for a bit, but no more
than that.
SilverOz
Wolf Whitewater
Does it help to say that for me I REALLY don't like penetration and in
fact the best sex I've ever had was with a vibrator in one hand and the
closest human being about a quarter mile away?
Or does that just muddy everything? I happen to think that sex itself
is overrated. I'm a big girl in every way but the way it counts most
for a man, which is an issue, I enjoy foreplay but I can orgasm from
that alone, my best sexual moments are without a partner . . . and I
have asthma-- which can make it awkward. 'Hey honey -- I need my
inhaler!'.
And yet I don't consider myself asexual at all. I took a look at that
website and I knew immediately that I would never fit their labels (yet
another label that falls by the wayside for me) because there are some
men that I can just -look- at who make me literally drool and get a
sudden rush in my groin that is purely sexual. Why? Dunno. I guess that
makes me sexual in some way.
And yet I don't generally enjoy typical sex. I dunno.
Whitewater
Chains and Freedom candf at kkeane dot com
> Cindy come on down:
>
>>Well, are you a submissive, then?
>
> Nope. Switch, toppish (sometimes expressed as "Top, switchy", depending
> on
> what kind of mood I'm in). Which is even worse; I mean, how the hell am I
> supposed to take responsibility for another person if I can't even sort
> myself out?
>
>>Cuz I just totally "get" that, and it's not exactly uncommon.
>
> All right, coredump time. I just feel the need to articulate some of the
> shit I've been feeling and a bit of history, and I'm feeling more able
> than usual to at least attempt some of the pieces of the puzzle, if you
> will, so I'll do that here.
I've got to call Ugol!
Are you my identical twin ;-) ? And I also found the asexuality.org Web site
a while ago, and had similar struggles with it. But in the end, I resolved
it for myself: we as humans simply have four different types of sexuality:
heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual are the commonly known ones, but asexual
also exist.
That doesn't mean that all 6 billion people fit neatly into these four
categories. In fact, almost nobody does. There are the heterosexuals who
occasionally have sex with their own sex. There are the bisexuals who
really don't care too much for men (or women), but take them in a pinch.
There are the homosexuals who still have heterosexual sex. And so on. Life
isn't neat.
And that means that asexuality is a label, not a mold you have to exactly
fit. It just means that I am closer to it than any of the others on the
spectrum. And it helps with dealing with your feelings, just as being able
to come out helps a homosexual or a BDSM person.
Yes, I much prefer women over men when it comes to intimacy. But sex? No
thanks, that's really not necessary. No, really. No, please don't push me.
Yes, I know we have dated ten times, but I still don't want sex. Can we
kiss and cuddle now? ;-)
By the way, asexuality.org quite explicitly says that this kind of thing is
common, and that asexuality comes in all kinds of shapes, including people
in "normal" relationships.
There are definite problems associated with being asexual. Just as there are
definite problems associated with being homosexual. It becomes more
difficult to find a compatible partner. You have to find different ways of
being intimate with a partner. It becomes more difficult to have children,
and society still stigmatizes you for being childless. If you do have a
partner, initially she will appreciate not being pressured for sex, but
eventually she may well misunderstand your lack of desire, maybe even
demand that you seek treatment. And so on.
There also is at least one benefit: you aren't under as much pressure to
find a partner just for sex, so once you find a partner, you are more
likely to have a successful relationship.
But at least, I can tell you, you are not alone. And I suspect that
asexuality may actually apply to you. If you decide that it applies. It
doesn't really matter - but it may help to at least be aware of it, just as
finding a BDSM community helps with dealing with those feelings.
And, by the way, the last time I had sex was in 2000. That's fine by me.
It's also probably not linked to depression for me, although I do
occasionally have minor depression. If anything my sexual desire goes up a
notch during those times.
--
Offering chains and freedom for nice ladies in Southern California.
http://www.geocities.com/prison_lover/index.html
Jason Crowell
> It's also probably not linked to depression for me, although I do
> occasionally have minor depression. If anything my sexual desire goes up a
> notch during those times.
The FIRST time I had sex was last year (at 30[!!!]), I had simply never
had a particular desire to find a sexual partner, and I was always a
bit awkward. But when the subject of my virginity came up when talking
amongst some kinky friends, I suddenly got intrigued looks from two
pretty ladies, and Miss Ann let me use her key to the chastity device
that night...
It was very fun, but a lot more work than I'd expected, the movies make
it look so easy. And after that, I went all "cum-dumb" for a few days,
but I was soon locked up in my CB again...
M. Shirley Chong
> The point is, I'm not really sure I'm asexual. For instance, I have an awful
> lot of porn for an "asexual". Jesus, do you know how much porn there is on
> the Internet? Holy cow. It's fuckin' AMAZING. And you know it just kind of
> builds up and before you know it you have thousands on thousands of pictures
> of naked women all tied up. I don't know how it happens, it just does.
Do you have a filing system or database? One of the first things I
found amusing about my husband is that although he's not into porn,
he wrote a (simple) database for his brother's computer porn collection.
> For another thing I do, in fact, masturbate. I don't really advertise this
> fact a lot, because frankly you people don't want to know that about me, but
> this is a coredump, so I'm letting it all hang out here. I'm never going to
> make sense of all this if I'm not completely candid here. Anyway I
> masturbate, and I enjoy it. Well, most of the actual "masturbation" part got
> old after about the thirty-thousandth time I did it, but the "orgasm" part?
> Pure gold, baby. Every time.
<<<snippage>>>
> Sex for me was, and there is absolutely no pun intended here so don't shoot
> me, a bit of an anticlimax. Well, I had been informed by sources I considered
> reliable that the average person, upon first having sex, climaxed within 4.5
> seconds. In actual fact... well, I'll come right out and say that I haven't
> _ever_ climaxed as a result of sex. At first I tried to tell myself that it
> was just the drugs, but then I tried it during a time when I wasn't on drugs,
> and I had the same result. A lot of effort, no reward.
This is *not* an uncommon situation. At least it wasn't twenty years
ago. One of the leading causes of infertility then was the inability
of the male partner to orgasm during vaginal sex. Couples who would
not normally have consulted a sex therapist on their own (for
cultural or religious reasons, etc) would accept a referral in order
to have children.
Twenty years ago, the treatment involved teaching the man's nervous
system to become more responsive to a different type of stimulation.
In my own life, I had a male lover who was in that situation. He
masturbated and enjoyed it, he had sex with me and enjoyed it but
couldn't orgasm during penetration of any sort, only via
masturbation. Using tips I'd previously learned from my friend the
sex counselor, we got past that. To the point where he started to
prefer orgasms during penetrative sex to orgasms via masturbation.
So, I'm not saying you should run out and consult a sex therapist.
Just keep in mind that if this starts to feel like a problem to you,
it's not unknown (or even all that rare) and you can, most likely,
change it.
> The key thing here, the thing that could possibly make some sense out of all
> this but hasn't yet, is the relationship thing. I've never been in a
> relationship that lasted longer than three days. I'd like to be in a
> relationship. But then before I had sex I would've said "I'd like to have
> sex", and while I thought that was an accurate statement at the time, it
> turned out to be utterly false.
I'm not convinced that it's an utterly false statement. Before I
learned how to ride a bicycle, I badly wanted to learn. Actually
learning to ride the bicycle, well, not so fun. I had a couple falls
with nasty road rash and that was definitely not fun. Once I had
learned to ride the bike, though, I loved it.
I think a lot of things in life are like that. Instinct may provide
the motivation but learning is necessary in order to enjoy.
It isn't just humans, either. Dogs often need to be taught (or given
the chance to learn under carefully orchestrated conditions) how to
have sex and so do horses. And as I recall, Jane Goodall noticed
that certain female chimpanzees were far more sexually attractive to
males than other females. The more sexually attractive females
tended to be older and more experienced, which suggests to me that
they knew what they were doing.
> But I don't really put any effort anymore into seeking out relationships,
> partly because I don't want to saddle someone else with my bizarre sex hangup
> (again, I'm not talking about BDSM), but mostly because, like I said, I'm
> really fucked up in general right now and I don't have the energy to devote to
> a proper relationship; I'm kind of putting that off until I'm on a medication
> regimen that's more stable.
Are you specifically seeking out romantic relationships or are you
open to friendly relationships with women who aren't romantically
attracted to you?
Frankly, it sounds to me like you just don't have the emotional
resources right now to attempt to deal with a romantic relationship.
But friendship sounds do-able, at least to me, because friendships
are usually less demanding of time, energy, resources, etc. And yet
can be very rewarding. And sometimes, friendship is a sort of warm
up or learning experience for romantic relationships (either with a
specific friend or with someone new).
Shirley
Chaos Glitter
"SilverOz" <Silv...@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:slrndt8lg8....@localhost.localdomain...
> I don't see my self as asexual, because I know damn well I can be
> quite sexual in the right circumstances. Doesn't last that long
> before I lose interest, sometimes longer than others, and I don't
> really feel I'm missing much. 5 years without a motorcycle I'd be
> loony, 5 years without a shag, I don't much care.
Haven`t read further than this yet, but I had to second this part! I`ve
been without my motorcycle since the beginning of january and I`m loosing my
sanity in a really big way... I`ve not had actual "sex" in a very long
time, and I don`t miss it in the least.
`kay, who`s going to go harrass the mechanic shop now
Markem
Zenger) wrote:
>Morgane come on down:
>
>>
>>Heard we had a few on the group so:
>>
>>http://www.asexuality.org/home/
>>
>>Morgane
>
>Thanks for the link, but damn, I guess I'm not asexual either. Is there a
>page for people who are just, I don't know, really fucked up sexually? I
>don't mean BDSM; that's not fucked up, that's compltely normal. I mean I just
>cannot make any sense of the relationships between sexual desire, sex, and
>relationships, and I actively avoid relationships because of this.
>
>Yeah I know I probably need therapy. Sigh.
Actually human being is a real good start, now as to depth of the
confusion that varies. But avoiding relationships will not help the
learning curve. Nah you need to find "The One" good luck.
Markem
(sixoneeight) = 618
Markem
Zenger) wrote:
>Well so I didn't conclude anything after all, but it was at least good to
>spend some time writing. To anyone who's read this far, hey, thanks!
You know yourself best as far as depression goes, accepting you as you
works. Wish I could offer more but best wishes.
Markem
(sixoneeight) = 618
Chains and Freedom (candf at kkeane dot com)
>>And, by the way, the last time I had sex was in 2000. That's fine by me.
>>It's also probably not linked to depression for me, although I do
>>occasionally have minor depression. If anything my sexual desire goes up a
>>notch during those times.
>
>
> The FIRST time I had sex was last year (at 30[!!!]), I had simply never
> had a particular desire to find a sexual partner, and I was always a
> bit awkward.
I raise you four years ;-)
Brian G
Well, I always say that writing your thoughts down is a good first step.
The answer, is, I'm afraid that there is no answer. If there were one true
way to keep your head together in this world, then we would all be doing
it!
Someone said that depression is anger without enthusiasm, and in a way it
is, as you say, you want to change things, but you cannot change the core
that is you, and you have to be you, and not anyone else.
No, I never had sex till I was after 50 years old, but masturbated, and
still do. The best porn is in the space between the ears.
Don't think about why you do not like what others do, who said you had to
like sex anyway? I did not find it that thrilling but you have to do it to
say you have!
Be cool with yourself, and maybe find friends instead of relationships. If
the brain likes doing bdsm type stuff, go and do it with people you know if
you can, but its not the end of life if you don't.
Its the thrill rather than the act often which is the reason, I find, add in
sexual arousal and it just makes it better, but sex is not obligatory, at
least not the conventional kind.
Likewise, I don't believe that you have to get a family either. Many feel
they have let their parents down if they have no children, well, no, that is
stupid. Its our right to not have them, if we want.
With regard to medication, I don't know how you came off anti depressants,
but it has to be slowly, and you may find that a tiny dose is always
required, but one should never look on them as a long term solution. They
simply slug the mind and skew it by inhibiting the natural chemistry.
Eventually your body gets used to them so when you stop everything lurches
the other way.
Anyway, I've withered on for too long as well, I'll end with this.
Life is no bed of roses, but it can be fun.
Brian
--
--
___________________________________________________________________________
Any opinions expressed above, are just that, opinions.
please add salt to taste.
Only my Eyes are blind....
switc...@blueyonder.co.uk
SilverOz
Chains and Freedom (candf at kkeane dot com) <m...@privacy.net> wrote:
> Jason Crowell wrote:
>>
>> The FIRST time I had sex was last year (at 30[!!!]), I had simply never
>> had a particular desire to find a sexual partner, and I was always a
>> bit awkward.
>
> I raise you four years ;-)
Was 30 for me. I figured it was about time, but I was sadly
disappointed by it.
SilverOz
Stephen Harris
> Chains and Freedom (candf at kkeane dot com) <m...@privacy.net> wrote:
> > Jason Crowell wrote:
> >> The FIRST time I had sex was last year (at 30[!!!]), I had simply never
> >> had a particular desire to find a sexual partner, and I was always a
> >> bit awkward.
> > I raise you four years ;-)
> Was 30 for me. I figured it was about time, but I was sadly
> disappointed by it.
32 for me, and then it took another 4 years of (very infrequent; most
sessions with Tori don't end in penetration) sex before I managed to
ejaculate (only once, so far!) from penetration.
Whilst the feeling of my penis inside a vagina is pleasant, it rarely
provides enough stimulation to cause me ejaculate, and I'm always
concentrating too much (maybe my problem!) on remaining hard until my
partner has been satisfied. *shrug* I can always (nearly always;
sometimes I'm in chastity) masturbate afterwards.
--
rgds, Stephen "Pleasure, little treasure"
An Englishman in New York, and loving slave to his Mistress, Tori.
BDSM thoughts, writings, poems and stuff: http://bdsm.spuddy.org/
Newsgroup charter, FAQs etc at http://bdsm.spuddy.org/newsgroups/
Cindy
> M. Shirley Chong come on down:
>
>
>>Norton Zenger wrote:
>>
>>
>>>The point is, I'm not really sure I'm asexual. For instance, I have an awful
>>>lot of porn for an "asexual". Jesus, do you know how much porn there is on
>>>the Internet? Holy cow. It's fuckin' AMAZING. And you know it just kind of
>>>builds up and before you know it you have thousands on thousands of pictures
>>>of naked women all tied up. I don't know how it happens, it just does.
Well, it just sounds to me like what you are really saying is you're not
into *intercourse* or something like that.
Sex <> intercourse, of course.
You seem to be saying you have sexual responses, so I don't see how you
can describe yourself as asexual.
(Heh! There's porn on the internet? Why didn't somebody tell me????!!!)
>>
>>Do you have a filing system or database? One of the first things I
>>found amusing about my husband is that although he's not into porn,
>>he wrote a (simple) database for his brother's computer porn collection.
>
>
> Heh, no, although sometimes I think it would be nice to have it nice to have
> the whole thing meticulously organized so that I could, when I felt like it,
> display just the pictures with duct tape in them or whatever; I just don't
> have the time for it. (Well, I suppose I _could_, but then I wouldn't be able
> to devote the time I need to maintain my database of MP3s, and I'm definitely
> a music geek _before_ I'm a porn geek, in large part because you can be social
> about music geekery; being social about porn geekery is just kind of
> uncomfortable and weird, IME. There are, for instance, scads and scads of
> music blogs. Are there such things as porn blogs? It might be interesting.)
>
Yes, of course there are porn blogs. And of course, tons of
BDSM-related blogs, many of which are, surprise-surprise, a bit sexual
in nature.
Being social about porn geekery is probably uncomfortable because it
deals with something most people consider intimate and private, even
though it's true that some folks involved in various kinks such as BDSM
may tend to play more publicly (SOME of them.)
>>This is *not* an uncommon situation. At least it wasn't twenty years
>>ago. One of the leading causes of infertility then was the inability
>>of the male partner to orgasm during vaginal sex. Couples who would
>>not normally have consulted a sex therapist on their own (for
>>cultural or religious reasons, etc) would accept a referral in order
>>to have children.
>
>
> The one thing I will say in favor of making "asexuality" more prevalent is
> that I never would've known it wasn't a one-in-a-million thing if I hadn't
> posted. I mean the general public consensus seems to be that sex is the
> greatest thing in the world.
>
Well, as someone who can't be described as "asexual", I do think sex is
a pretty damned cool thing. Nice even.
But I still question where you draw those distinctions; you really seem
to be talking about intercourse, as if you have a porn collection (even
a BDSM-related one only) you obviously have some real sexual responses.
Oh, and it's fine to not care much for intercourse; it's not pure myth
that there are plenty of women who feel that way, and I presume also
enough guys who do. Vaginal penetration by the penis, especially in the
conventional face-to-face position, especially without other forms of
stimulus, just isn't the be-all and end-all for a LOT of people.
When I got re-involved in D/s, I started talking with some of my vanilla
friends about my situation. It turned out that most of the women I know
in my age range have some sort of kink or form of sexual adventure, not
quite satisfied with the old missionary-position vaginal intercourse
option as being quite exciting enough long-term.
Personally, I get incredibly aroused being whipped and being subjugated
in _certain_ ways, far more aroused than I do with most men in a
straight foreplay-and-intercourse situation. Yeah, I'll admit a certain
person can make me a bit crazy aroused without necessarily whipping me
or doing that sort of thing, but still there's usually for me some
element of submission or other edge to it to make it exciting for me ...
and this is coming from someone who absolutely adores intercourse! So
you can imagine the mechanisms people sometimes go through if they are
not so aroused by intercourse; all sorts of deviations exist, from not
having much shared sexual activity at all, to using kink, to ... well,
you know, the range is huge.
I'd be more inclined to ask if you masturbate, and if you enjoy that;
without that, you might claim to be asexual, but if you masturbate and
fantasize and enjoy all that including having an orgasm, then you are
not asexual obviously.
Now, I don't want to be boo'ed by the crowd for this one, but ....
seriously ... there is enormous variance in sexual experiences with
another. Sometimes it's downright awful, sometimes it seems as if you
merge into one body because it's so natural and easy, sometimes it seems
great until you get over the endorphin rush or have your pressing
arousal sated, etc. Bottom line, I don't see how one can make a
judgement about "sex" from such limited experiences as you describe.
It's like saying that you've tried eating radishes and cauliflower, and
decided that eating is not all that enjoyable an experience, yaknow?
>
>>>But I don't really put any effort anymore into seeking out relationships,
>>>partly because I don't want to saddle someone else with my bizarre sex hangup
>>>(again, I'm not talking about BDSM), but mostly because, like I said, I'm
>>>really fucked up in general right now and I don't have the energy to devote to
>>>a proper relationship; I'm kind of putting that off until I'm on a medication
>>>regimen that's more stable.
>>
>>Are you specifically seeking out romantic relationships or are you
>>open to friendly relationships with women who aren't romantically
>>attracted to you?
>>
>>Frankly, it sounds to me like you just don't have the emotional
>>resources right now to attempt to deal with a romantic relationship.
>>But friendship sounds do-able, at least to me, because friendships
>>are usually less demanding of time, energy, resources, etc. And yet
>>can be very rewarding. And sometimes, friendship is a sort of warm
>>up or learning experience for romantic relationships (either with a
>>specific friend or with someone new).
>
>
> Oh, I have lots of friends. Wonderful friends, too, they're great people.
> When I say "relationship" I mean significant-other type relationship, or
> romantic relationship. It's a healthy romantic relationship which is
> something I don't think I'm getting equipped for.
See, to me, "wonderful friend" is as close to a "significant-other type
relationship" as it gets; in fact, I think that is the greatest part of
a SO relationship. Romantic or not, being good good friends is what
it's all about IMO. Then over time intimacy grows, whether sexual or
affection or otherwise. If you fit with someone well over a period of
years, love is likely to develop. Yeah, it's not that crazy crush that
some people like about "falling in love", but the enduring sort of
relationship starts with friendship, honesty, caring, affection ... not
with heat.
>
> Thanks for your response!
>
You sure about that? <g>
-- Cu.C
David Weinshenker
>
> ... the general public consensus seems to be that sex is the
> greatest thing in the world.
I have often suspected that the exaggerated popularity of "Sex"
in our so-called "culture" is that for many people, "Sexual
Encounters" are the only time they get to touch each other.
-dave w
SilverOz
Norton Zenger <rusho...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> * The thing I omitted in my original post, the thing that in retrospect
> should've tipped me off, is that I have never actually fantasized about sex.
> All of my fantasies are, and always have been, about women in general, and
> BDSM in particular.
Ditto. If I'm masturbating to a fantasy the fantasy doesn't usually
include sexual actions compared to BDSM ones unless for some reason
I'm adding something to explain what I'm doing :) Which isn't often.
> * Another data point was that when I was younger, I was a member of a rabidly
> pro-sex religious cult. So I spent much of my youth demanding that other
> people have as much sex as was physically possible, while not actually having
> any sex myself. After I actually tried sex, I experienced a good bit of
> cognitive dissonance, to put it mildly. I still believe that sex is,
> generally speaking, a good thing, and I strongly support the right of all
> people to have any kind of sex as much as they want. It just happens that in
> my case "as much as I want" is "none for me, thanks".
heh. No, I can't Ugol that one!
> Anyway, after this thread I'm a lot more of the opinion that simply not
> desiring sex doesn't consitute some serious derangement or emotional problem;
> it's just not something I'm into. Much appreciated!
Me too! That others are not into it in the same way gives me hope.
It's been something I've been worrying about - and a reason I haven't
really been looking for a BDSM partner. I had it in my head that
everyone but me wants all sex all the time.
Chains and Freedom's in the wrong bloody country but he's the first
top-type I've met with a kink even vaguely close to mine who wasn't
sex focused. And where there's one....
SilverOz
M. Shirley Chong
>>Do you have a filing system or database? One of the first things I
>>found amusing about my husband is that although he's not into porn,
>>he wrote a (simple) database for his brother's computer porn collection.
Norton Zenger wrote:
> Heh, no, although sometimes I think it would be nice to have it nice to have
> the whole thing meticulously organized so that I could, when I felt like it,
> display just the pictures with duct tape in them or whatever; I just don't
> have the time for it.
I found it an amusing example of geekly brotherly love. I still find
it amusing. My husband would be viewing jpgs to assign them
keywords, find a few that he wasn't sure of, ask his brother's
opinion, his brother would look at them, given an opinion, then
disappear into his bedroom with or without his girlfriend. And my
husband would serenely continue entering data, totally unmoved
except for the geekly pleasure inherent in creating a useful
computer tool.
> The one thing I will say in favor of making "asexuality" more prevalent is
> that I never would've known it wasn't a one-in-a-million thing if I hadn't
> posted. I mean the general public consensus seems to be that sex is the
> greatest thing in the world.
It may be a little like the conundrum that when seeking a partner
for wiitwd, the local area will be poorest in the sort of person one
is seeking. Hence, if one is seeking a female submissive, the local
area simply drips with female dominants, male dominants, male
submissives but the only female submissives to be found are already
exclusively partnered.
I mention this because from my point of view, it seems that there
are plenty of jokes and anecdotes about sex *not* being all that
great. For instance, I used to watch THAT SEVENTIES SHOW. In one
episode, after Donna and Eric have sex for the first time, Donna
questions several women about their first sexual experiences and
pretty much gets a universal "sex is great... after a while. But at
first, it's not much fun."
> Oh, I have lots of friends. Wonderful friends, too, they're great people.
> When I say "relationship" I mean significant-other type relationship, or
> romantic relationship. It's a healthy romantic relationship which is
> something I don't think I'm getting equipped for.
Hmmmmmm...
I'm reminded of the joke about defining friends:
A friend tells you what to do about the bodies and swears not to
tell anyone. A good friend helps you move the bodies. A great friend
sits in the jail cell with you, laughing and saying "damn, that was
fun, let's try it again when we get out!"
What are you looking for in a romantic relationship that you don't
get from friendship?
Shirley
SilverOz
M. Shirley Chong <eit...@netins.net> wrote:
>
> What are you looking for in a romantic relationship that you don't
> get from friendship?
For me, it's that particular intimacy and the snuggling that doesn't
happen in the same way with friends. A lack of barriers when
together.
When I went from friend to romantic to friend, I noticed the
diffrence.
SilverOz
Chaos Glitter
> Me too! That others are not into it in the same way gives me hope.
>
> It's been something I've been worrying about - and a reason I haven't
> really been looking for a BDSM partner. I had it in my head that
> everyone but me wants all sex all the time.
>
> Chains and Freedom's in the wrong bloody country but he's the first
> top-type I've met with a kink even vaguely close to mine who wasn't
> sex focused. And where there's one....
>
> SilverOz
... there are others. yepyep. For sure, there are people interested in
BDSM that are not really interested in sex, or only vaguely interested
*raises my hand and waves it around a bit*
I don`t think there is anything wrong with not wanting sex, unless it causes
a huge problem in your life and you stress about it so much that you can`t
function. But anything that causes disruption to your daily life is
generally a sign of something not good. I think the amount of sex drive
someone has is like the scale of heterosexual vs homosexual: a gradient, and
is one of those things that can vary alot from one person to the next. I
don`t see anything off about being interested in BDSM and not interested in
sex.
`kay
Chains and Freedom (candf at kkeane dot com)
>
> Well, even though I'm not into sex, I do still crave physical intimacy. I'm
> not quite sure what form that would take, but I have a definite desire for a
> relationship as opposed to friendship.
>
Calling Ugol again. For me, the physical intimacy could involve anything
that traditionally is considered foreplay (hey, ladies, you get all the
foreplay and don't have to suffer the act ;-) ). Bondage, shibari in
particular, of course. Even oral sex.
M. Shirley Chong
> For me, it's that particular intimacy and the snuggling that doesn't
> happen in the same way with friends. A lack of barriers when
> together.
>
> When I went from friend to romantic to friend, I noticed the
> diffrence.
I've been mulling this over for a while because I've had an
interesting array of relationships. There has never been any doubt
in my mind as to which were friendships and which were romantic even
though they shared the same sorts of activities.
For instance:
Sitting for hours on a couch, holding a friend gently against me.
Sitting for hours on a couch, holding my romantic sig other against me.
Having mind blowing sex with a friend.
Having mind blowing sex with my romantic sig other.
Having more than one friend at a time.
Having more than one romantic sig other at a time.
Wide ranging conversations without secrets with a friend.
Wide ranging conversations without secrets with a romantic sig other.
So what exactly is it that differentiates "friend" from "romantic
sig other" in my mind?
After thinking about it, I realized that my friends are in a tight
orbit around my universe. A romantic sig other is at the center of
my universe. I'll consider seriously the needs, wants and opinions
of a friend in taking some action. I consider seriously the needs,
wants and opinions of my romantic sig other but I also give them the
nuclear option (the right to veto my action). I expect my friends to
consider my needs, wants and opinions but they are free to do
whatever they want. I expect my romantic sig other to consider my
needs, wants and opinions but I expect to have the nuclear option
(the right to veto their action).
This is just me--it's not meant as a definition or as options for
anyone but me and the people involved with me,
And it makes me wonder: who decides for a culture what constitutes
friendship and what constitutes romance? I know that for many
cultures and for many people sex is the dividing line but it isn't
for me. I like sex and I don't have to feel romantic about a person
to have sex with them and enjoy it thoroughly.
In other cultures, sex really isn't the dividing line even though it
appears to be. In talking to a woman who came from a culture where
polygyny is the norm (one man with two or more wives) the sex with
her former husband was something she put up with because it was part
of the social expectations of her culture. It seemed to me that her
real sig others were two of his other wives. She didn't have sex
with them but shared deeply sensual, emotionally intimate
relationships with them. She wanted to escape from her culture for a
long time but what held her back was her relationship with those two
women. It wasn't until both of them told her to go that she was
finally able to bring herself to put her plan of escape into action.
Just random thoughts on a cold, windy day on the plains.
Shirley
darkoshi
>
> * The thing I omitted in my original post, the thing that in retrospect
> should've tipped me off, is that I have never actually fantasized about sex.
> All of my fantasies are, and always have been, about women in general, and
> BDSM in particular.
>
My fantasies were always BDSM-oriented in one way or another, but they
used
to have nothing to do with sex (other than the fact that they aroused
me, and
I masturbated to them).
It wasn't until I started imagining the act of sex, of being
penetrated,
in BDSM contexts... ie., being forced to have sex, submitting to it as
a
slave, it being an act of degradation, etc... that it became a
potentially
arousing thing in my mind. So nowadays, I do fantasize about sex, and
am
getting closer to actually trying it out, but still have doubts that
I'll
enjoy the real thing.
I used to think of myself as asexual; now if there were a term such as
BDSM-sexual, I think that would describe me better. Because outside
of the contexts of BDSM, of dominance/submission/control, I still have
no desire for it.
Darkoshi