How to Play Well with Others
Philip_the_Foole
folks who are considering attending their first play party. It seems
to have struck a responsive chord. Several munch groups have reprinted
it in their newsletters.
Bear in mind that we are a highly individualistic
bunch, and no one died and made me the philosopher of kink. If you
ask three BDSM enthusiasts for their opinions
on anything, you are likely to get four different answers. The "One
True Way" is whatever way works best for you and your partner(s.)
Your Humble Jester,
Philip the Foole
*****************
How to Play Well with Others
Everyone is apprehensive about attending their first play party. Here
are a few (completely unofficial) thoughts and suggestions for "how to
play well with others."
We often use terms like "play" and "toys," but remember that we are
"playing" with high explosives here. Let's try to mimimize hurt
feelings, vendettas, and trips to the emergency room. Anyone causing
the S.W.A.T. team to be called in is responsible for supplying them
with chips and dip.
The fact that someone identifies as a submissive does not mean that
they are *your* submissive. "No" means "No," and must be respected
by all present. If you feel that you are being harassed by someone
who persists in bugging you after you have indicated that you are not
interested in playing, (note that being asked to play *once* does not
constitute harassment) talk to one of the designated party DM's
(Dungeon Masters/Monitors, a group which may include females and
submissives.)
We don't want to make Doms afraid to ask submissives to play for fear
of being accused of harassment, nor to make submissives afraid that if
they decline an invitation they will be forever missing out on the
chance to play with that particular Dom. It is a complex dance we do
here. It is inevitable that we will occasionally step on each other's
toes while learning it.
A call of "safeword!" by a submissive/slave/bottom/catcher at our
events is an absolute, no-questions-asked "Stop!" signal. There is a
BDSM practice called "consensual nonconsent" or "no safeword" play.
This is a controversial and easily misinterpreted activity, fraught
with peril for even the most experienced players.
The distinction between "BDSM" vs. "Abuse" is always a controversial
one. Let's face it. The vast majority of our fellow citizens
consider *everything* we do in BDSM to be abusive. In most
jurisdictions, hitting someone with a whip constitutes assault with a
deadly weapon, and the consent of the whippee is *not* a defense.
In my personal opinion, "no safeword" edgeplay is best practiced in
private between partners who know one another *extremely* well.)
Some feel that any type of "no safeword" activity is inherently
abusive. Others (myself, for instance) have occasionally made a pledge
to a partner that includes "No limits. No safewords. Anything you
want, as hard as you want, for as long as you want." Just as many
bondage enthusiasts want the bondage to be real and inescapable, some
submissives feel that having a "way out" detracts from the state of
consciousness they seek when bottoming, and prefer to rely entirely on
the judgement of their dominant partner.
Several of our members (waving) enjoy "rough takedown" play, which may
appear to be a non-consensual group assault on a poor, defenseless
"victim" who is kicking and protesting against their "awful fate." If
you are going to do this, please be sure in advance that everyone
present understands that the play is completely consensual, and that
the safeword rule is still in effect. One way to emphasize this if
you sense some newcomers are uneasy is to casually ask another
experienced player: "Is 'Please don't tie me to the mast and flog me,
you evil pirate!' a safeword?" Keep an eye on players who are doing
this kind of erotic rough-housing for their own safety so that they do
not crash through glass windows or land in spectator's laps. We don't
want anyone getting hurt in a way they don't find erotic.
Our goal is to provide a safe, sane and consensual environment in
which to explore our BDSM interests with like-minded fellow
enthusiasts. There's a lot of recent debate and kidding around over
the phrase "Safe, Sane and Consensual." I think we should try for at
least two out of three. OK, one in a pinch. Some folks, including
some of the most venerable grey-haired elders of the BDSM community
(the old farts,) prefer to use the term RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual
Kink.) They contend that most of what we do involves some degree of
risk, "sane" is a highly debatable concept, and a scene needs to push
the edge of "consensual" or it doesn't float their boat.
No matter *what* you do, including doing nothing, you are going to
offend somebody somewhere. Live with it or stay home. (Both of those
options will also offend someone.)
It is absolutely inevitable that in such an emotionally
charged area as BDSM, with such wide variety ("love bondage lite,"
femdom, gorean, het, gay, lesbian, bi, transgendered, "undecided" and
"other") as our group includes, there are going to be some
misunderstandings and hurt feelings. In real life, unlike in the porno
novels, things do go wrong. Legs cramp, wrists go numb, whip strokes
wrap.
Let's all make an effort to cut each other some slack.
Your Humble Jester,
Philip the Foole
Leave your personal soap operas at the door.
- Ancient Kung Foole Proverb
jacqui{JB}
news:PEp0e.10722$ot.1...@tornado.texas.rr.com...
> Bear in mind that we are a highly individualistic
> bunch, and no one died and made me the
> philosopher of kink.
Ghod*damnit* One more illusion ruthlessly ripped away.
-j
Wolf Whitewater
"Philip_the_Foole" <Fo...@Icehouse.net> wrote in message
news:PEp0e.10722$ot.1...@tornado.texas.rr.com...
> folks who are considering attending their first play party. It seems
> to have struck a responsive chord. Several munch groups have reprinted
> it in their newsletters.
>
Hey, Philip, can I post this on the bdsm page on my website? I'm currently
collecting stuff to put up under "Advice for New Folks" and I really like
this. Glad I read it. Wish I'd read it sooner ;> I'll give your name as who
wrote it, of course.
Whitewater
Philip_the_Foole
> (good stuff snipped)
>
> Hey, Philip, can I post this on the bdsm page on my website? I'm currently
> collecting stuff to put up under "Advice for New Folks" and I really like
> this. Glad I read it. Wish I'd read it sooner ;> I'll give your name as who
> wrote it, of course.
>
> Whitewater
I would be honored for you to include it on your website, Wolf.
I hereby grant blanket repost permission to anyone who feels the article
might be of interest to their group.
Philip_the_Foole
> "Philip_the_Foole" <Fo...@Icehouse.net> wrote:
>>Bear in mind that we are a highly individualistic
>>bunch, and no one died and made me the philosopher of kink.
>
> Ghod*damnit* One more illusion ruthlessly ripped away.
>
> -j
;-)
PtF
King Henry: Must you destroy *all* my illusions, Thomas?
Becket: A king should have no illusions, my prince.
moonwolf
> which to explore our BDSM interests with like-minded fellow
> enthusiasts. There's a lot of recent debate and kidding around over
> the phrase "Safe, Sane and Consensual." I think we should try for at
> least two out of three. OK, one in a pinch.
depends on whether the pinch is consentual :)
> Some folks, including
> some of the most venerable grey-haired elders of the BDSM community
> (the old farts,) prefer to use the term RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual
> Kink.) They contend that most of what we do involves some degree of
> risk, "sane" is a highly debatable concept, and a scene needs to push
> the edge of "consensual" or it doesn't float their boat.
Oh, do I ever remember that debate :)
Really nice post, Philip. Not that anyone will pay any attention to
it, but it was nice nontheless :)
miika (ex moonwolf)
Philip_the_Foole
> Really nice post, Philip. Not that anyone will pay any attention to
> it, but it was nice nontheless :)
>
> miika (ex moonwolf)
Thank you, miika. Nice to see you again. What's the origin of your new
name?
We will have to change your nameplate as the "Chief Sacrificial Victim
of the ASB World Court" (a running joke from an old newsgroup where
several of us hung out before it was destroyed by spammers.)
Your Humble Jester,
Philip the Foole
Fleeing the Cylon tyranny, the last battlestar, Galactica, leads a
ragtag, fugitive fleet on a lonely quest - a shining planet, known as Earth.
miikaawaadizi
> Thank you, miika. Nice to see you again. What's the origin of your
new
> name?
It's Anishnabek, one of the Amerindian languages, for "she is
beautiful". The short version, 'miika', means "beauty" (sort of).
> We will have to change your nameplate as the "Chief Sacrificial
Victim
> of the ASB World Court" (a running joke from an old newsgroup where
> several of us hung out before it was destroyed by spammers.)
Do I get my old parking space back? And can I have a global pardon on
any backdated, back logged, water logged, water damaged, or simply
damaging offences I may have accrued during my tenure and beyond?
> Fleeing the Cylon tyranny, the last battlestar, Galactica, leads a
> ragtag, fugitive fleet on a lonely quest - a shining planet, known as
Earth.
Where they immediately went "Ewww", and ran back into the face of tin
cans to get annihilated, choosing that to be a better fate than
co-existing with Pee Wee Hermann.
miika
Steve Pope
>moonwolf wrote:
>> Really nice post, Philip. Not that anyone will pay any attention to
>> it, but it was nice nontheless :)
>> miika (ex moonwolf)
> Thank you, miika. Nice to see you again.
Yes, very nice to see you.
:-)
Steve
Markem
wrote:
>Philip_the_Foole wrote:
>> We will have to change your nameplate as the "Chief Sacrificial Victim
>> of the ASB World Court" (a running joke from an old newsgroup where
>> several of us hung out before it was destroyed by spammers.)
>
>Do I get my old parking space back? And can I have a global pardon on
>any backdated, back logged, water logged, water damaged, or simply
>damaging offences I may have accrued during my tenure and beyond?
Pardon? I think enactment of Phillips twisted fantasies would be more
likely. Possibly more fun too. (That would be for the parking space
only)
By the way welcome back.
Markem