Kind Rejection (Was: Re: friend needs advice)
Douglas Parvin
There's nothing crueler than presenting someone with an irrefutable argument
stating exactly what one finds lacking in another.
The greatest comfort, when one is rejected, is to believe that the other
person is making a mistake, which will be bitterly regretted later. Such
thinking is most easily achieved when one is rejected on vague and flimsy
grounds.
Suppose instead, one receives a point by point analysis stating deficiancies
in the person or the relationship. At best, the rejected must go on knowing
he or she has been pronounced unworthy by his or her love. At worst, it
leads to a pathetic, unsuccessful attempt to correct those things the person
doesn't like.
While one can hardly get through life without ever rejecting anyone,
it is important to be able to do so without destroying that person. Checking
the temptation to justify the rejection with honest and open arguments,
and allowing one's self to be considered capricious and foolhardy, is the
humane thing to do. Finally, be aware that most people get over their
rejections and go on to live perfectly good lives, sometimes made happier by
remembering what might have been.
--
===========================================================================
Douglas Parvin
par...@husc.harvard.edu
Ivan Reid
>> Paraphrased from Miss Manners:
>>
>> There's nothing crueler than presenting someone with an irrefutable argument
>> stating exactly what one finds lacking in another.
>>
>> The greatest comfort, when one is rejected, is to believe that the other
>> person is making a mistake, which will be bitterly regretted later. Such
>> thinking is most easily achieved when one is rejected on vague and flimsy
>> grounds.
Hi folks! I just picked up on this thread and thought I'd add my
tuppence-worth. Talking about rejections brings to mind some of the
lines I've heard or used myself. What makes you cringe or fume the
most? For me, I think it must be the hypocritical ones like,
1. "You deserve someone better" OR
2. "You're really nice and I'd like you as my friend, but ..."
(1) is such an irritating phrase!!! Does the person saying it have
seriously low self-esteem, or are they just trying to be kind? If the
latter, then I can think of many, nicer rebuttals - saying a person
deserves "someone better" demeans the person saying it, and is an
affront to the listener, who is having their choice of partner
ridiculed - by the time you get to the stage of thinking it worthwhile
committing yourself further, you've assessed whether or not your
partner is lacking - if you thought you deserved someone better, you'd
be long gone already, surely?! <exasperated sigh> I don't know ... :-)
As for (2), it's the old "Let's just be friends" syndrome. I can't
condemn it too much as I've used similar lines myself, but only when I
meant it. At the time of a breakup, it's hard for the listener to
believe that the sentiment is sincere (assuming that it is!), which is
a real shame when it really is meant.
So, any other one-liners that you hate to hear? Let's have 'em!
--
Ivan Hans Mark Reid Management Information Systems Analyst
"Information is Power ..." Spider Systems Ltd
vox: (+44 31) 554 9424 Spider Park, Stanwell St
fax: (+44 31) 554 0649 Edinburgh EH6 5NG, SCOTLAND
Doug Rudoff
>As for (2), it's the old "Let's just be friends" syndrome. I can't
>condemn it too much as I've used similar lines myself, but only when I
>meant it. At the time of a breakup, it's hard for the listener to
>believe that the sentiment is sincere (assuming that it is!), which is
>a real shame when it really is meant.
The women that have LJBFed me have been sincere. Of course, the one I
ended up really falling after we became friends decided she didn't
want anything to do with me.
In any case, when I'm unsure of how to interpret a LJBF or any thing
else said, I've learned to ask what was really meant. Things left
unsaid that should have been talked about have been the cause of much
misery in relationships I've had.
>So, any other one-liners that you hate to hear? Let's have 'em!
I did get a, "With my therapy and Alchohics Anonymous meetings I'm
just too messed up to see anyone now." She was right.
--
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Doug Rudoff Motorola, Seattle INTERNET:rud...@mdd.comm.mot.com
USENET:uunet!mdisea!rudoff
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dave K. Sprow
"We need to talk." (it's *never* good news)
"I don't want to hurt you, but..." (almost anything followed with a "but")
"Maybe we should start seeing other people" (the beginning of the end)
then there's alwayw "Not now, I have a head ache" :-)
>--
>Ivan Hans Mark Reid Management Information Systems Analyst
>"Information is Power ..." Spider Systems Ltd
>vox: (+44 31) 554 9424 Spider Park, Stanwell St
>fax: (+44 31) 554 0649 Edinburgh EH6 5NG, SCOTLAND
David S.
John Fereira
>>So, any other one-liners that you hate to hear? Let's have 'em!
>>
"I am married"
"I have a jealous ex-boyfriend"
"I don't swallow"
--
+==========================================================================+
| John Fereira | Auspex Systems | "Ask me about my vow of silence." |
| jo...@auspex.com | Santa Clara CA | |
+==========================================================================+
Doug Rudoff
>And while we're at it, what one-liners have been kind? Is there any such
>thing? To the guys out there: What have been the more palatable
>rejections you've had? What advice would you give to women who truly
>don't want to offend but just aren't interested, either before or at the
>end of a relationship?
First of all, I think this applies to people of either gender.
All I can say is a rejection should be honest, straight-forward,
compassionate and not be delayed. An honest, "I'm not interested in a
relationship with you." is appropiate.
The worst thing you can do (at least for me) is a no-liner. There was
a woman I considered a friend and I was interested in being more than
a friend. She decided to break things off between us (which in
hindsight was the right thing to be done). But she never had the
compassion and courage to tell me. She just stopped talking to me. It
made me miserable for weeks. A short explanation from her would have
made things easier for me. She made me feel like I did something
horrible to her (well, in her book, falling for her might have been
something horrible).
Charles E Rick Taylor IV
>Personally, I prefer to be told short and to the point during a breakup.
>You can say it without cruelty, and don't drag it out. "I don't think
>we should see each other any more," or words to that effect. DON'T do it
>over dinner or drinks. Do it in a time and place that allows for
>comfortable retreats for all concerned. Anyway, these things work for
>me.
Amen! My ex-girlfriend made me drive 750 miles so she could tell me she
"just wanted to be friends." Not much room for a comfortable retreat, once
I was there.
>My biggest gripe is with women who don't want to hurt my feelings, so they
>never have the courage to spit it out. Instead they wait for me to
>figure it out from the vague hints they drop. Just say it and get it
>done with.
Amen again! If she'd told me over the phone and saved me the trip, I'd
have been less angry with her, and less insulted! Moral: if you're going
to end a relationship (or an LDR), get on with it!
--
+ Rick __ + EMAIL:cha...@hubcap.clemson.edu + //\ + /|\ It's +
| /aylor | IRC : Tomalek / The Romulan | \X/--\miga 500 | J rainy |
+-------------+----------------------------------+----------------+----------+
+ "Every Girl Already Has A Boyfriend" --- Murphy's Law Of Dating... +
James Davis Nicoll
>>
>Uhhh, let's see...
>
>"We need to talk." (it's *never* good news)
Heh. The only time I've heard that line, it was to indicate
that we had to formally maker up our mids about whether we were going
to live up to the gossip concerning our dating.
James Nicoll
Graydon
wish to let down oh so gently, and declaim 'Upon full consideration,
I would rather have my ears pierced with a railroad spike than go
out with you.'
Nicely unambiguous.
Graydon
Lauren L. Crawford
>So, any other one-liners that you hate to hear? Let's have 'em!
And while we're at it, what one-liners have been kind? Is there any such
thing? To the guys out there: What have been the more palatable
rejections you've had? What advice would you give to women who truly
don't want to offend but just aren't interested, either before or at the
end of a relationship?
--
The trick of reason is to get the imagination to seize the actual world --
if only from time to time. -- Annie Dillard, "An American Childhood"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lauren Crawford // craw...@ben.dev.upenn.edu
Paul M. Frazier
>And while we're at it, what one-liners have been kind? Is there any such
>thing? To the guys out there: What have been the more palatable
>rejections you've had? What advice would you give to women who truly
>don't want to offend but just aren't interested, either before or at the
>end of a relationship?
Personally, I prefer to be told short and to the point during a breakup.
You can say it without cruelty, and don't drag it out. "I don't think
we should see each other any more," or words to that effect. DON'T do it
over dinner or drinks. Do it in a time and place that allows for
comfortable retreats for all concerned. Anyway, these things work for
me.
My biggest gripe is with women who don't want to hurt my feelings, so they
Rebel without a clue.
>>In article <1992Oct18.0...@husc3.harvard.edu>, par...@husc11.harvard.edu (Douglas Parvin) writes:
>>> Paraphrased from Miss Manners:
>>>
>>> There's nothing crueler than presenting someone with an irrefutable argument
>>> stating exactly what one finds lacking in another.
>>>
>>> The greatest comfort, when one is rejected, is to believe that the other
>>> person is making a mistake, which will be bitterly regretted later. Such
>>> thinking is most easily achieved when one is rejected on vague and flimsy
>>> grounds.
>
> Hi folks! I just picked up on this thread and thought I'd add my
> tuppence-worth. Talking about rejections brings to mind some of the
> lines I've heard or used myself. What makes you cringe or fume the
> most? For me, I think it must be the hypocritical ones like,
>
> 1. "You deserve someone better" OR
> [Munch]
>
> So, any other one-liners that you hate to hear? Let's have 'em!
me when I feel lonely or am in chemistry class (the girl who said this to
me is in the same class.)
"I never loved you dear, it was all just an act."
Ouch.
Kyle
eric peters
>> tuppence-worth. Talking about rejections brings to mind some of the
>> lines I've heard or used myself. What makes you cringe or fume the
>> most? For me, I think it must be the hypocritical ones like,
>>
>> 1. "You deserve someone better" OR
>>
"I just don't know what I want"
--
Eric Peters
pet...@CS.Colostate.EDU
Paul M. Frazier
Paul M. Frazier
>How 'bout "I can't go out with you because I have a SO in (insert city,
>state or country name here)," when the same person agrees to date someone
>else a week later.
My favorite variation of this (sarcasm, anyone?) is: asking a woman out,
she agrees, you go to a movie/restaurant/whatever, after most of the
evening is over, she finally starts to tell you about her boyfriend
in another state. If she had a boyfriend, why the zark did she go out
with me?
Makes me nuts (not really a difficult task, however).
Paul
Andreas Tovornik
>
>Hi folks! I just picked up on this thread and thought I'd add my
>tuppence-worth. Talking about rejections brings to mind some of the
>lines I've heard or used myself. What makes you cringe or fume the
>most? For me, I think it must be the hypocritical ones like,
>
>1. "You deserve someone better" OR
>
>2. "You're really nice and I'd like you as my friend, but ..."
>
>(1) is such an irritating phrase!!! Does the person saying it have
>seriously low self-esteem, or are they just trying to be kind? If the
>latter, then I can think of many, nicer rebuttals - saying a person
>deserves "someone better" demeans the person saying it, and is an
>affront to the listener, who is having their choice of partner
>ridiculed - by the time you get to the stage of thinking it worthwhile
>committing yourself further, you've assessed whether or not your
>partner is lacking - if you thought you deserved someone better, you'd
>be long gone already, surely?! <exasperated sigh> I don't know ... :-)
>
>As for (2), it's the old "Let's just be friends" syndrome. I can't
>condemn it too much as I've used similar lines myself, but only when I
>meant it. At the time of a breakup, it's hard for the listener to
>believe that the sentiment is sincere (assuming that it is!), which is
>a real shame when it really is meant.
>
>So, any other one-liners that you hate to hear? Let's have 'em!
Nah, I prefer crashing parties to answering RSVP's.
dreas
Matthew Bruce
How 'bout "I can't go out with you because I have a SO in (insert city,
state or country name here)," when the same person agrees to date someone
else a week later.
>--
Jennifer Scheufel
>
>2. "You're really nice and I'd like you as my friend, but ..."
>
>
>
>--
>Ivan Hans Mark Reid Management Information Systems Analyst
Yes, I hate the You're really sweet but....it's kinda like your #2 I
guess. And actually, a friend and I call it the Sweet butt syndrome (typo
while typeing to him).
JJ.
*no really groovy sig yet....*
--
The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the University of
North Carolina at Chapel Hill, the Campus Office for Information
Technology, or the Experimental Bulletin Board Service.
internet: bbs.oit.unc.edu or 152.2.22.80
Larry Billings
"Hi my name is Julie, I've got a boyfriend, he's got a GUN!"
--
Larry Billings
Most of us are sad, No one lets it show,
I've been shadows of myself,How was I to know? Eagles
*******************************************************************************
Larry Billings
>
> "I never loved you dear, it was all just an act."
>
> Ouch.
>
> Kyle
I had something similar said to me after being engaged for six months,
"I never loved you, I was just lonely"
Larry Billings
"I know that you would be the best thing for me, but right now I don't
want what is best for me"
Stewart Tansley
>>In article <1992Oct18.0...@husc3.harvard.edu>, par...@husc11.harvard.edu (Douglas Parvin) writes:
>>> Paraphrased from Miss Manners:
>>>
>>> person is making a mistake, which will be bitterly regretted later. Such
>>> thinking is most easily achieved when one is rejected on vague and flimsy
>>> grounds.
Interesting, and entirely logical. However, why the hell does it *still* hurt
so much?! :-\ + ;-)
> [Seeking naff rejection one-liners...]
>
>1. "You deserve someone better"
>2. "You're really nice and I'd like you as my friend, but ..."
Some others, mostly for after you've been goin' steady awhile:
3. "I've changed my mind, I want something different now"
4. "I don't love you any more"
5. "I never loved you"
6. "You don't love me really"
7. "You don't love me in the way I need"
8. "You've changed"
9. "I've changed"
10."I'm in love with someone else"
11."I didn't like him when I first met him, but now I love him"
12."I'm pregnant"
13."I'm gay"
14."You're gay" ;-)
Etc, etc...
Ok, some of them might sound quite reasonable -- but in the right (i.e. wrong)
context, they're killers. (I think taken to the nth degree, what I mean here
is that *any* rejection line stinks! :-))
I haven't received them all, if you're wondering, BTW! Some though, yes -- a
few even from one person at one time! (Now that's what I call determined! :-))
===========================================================================
Stewart Tansley | BNR Europe Limited | 'Be cool, or be
| London Rd, Harlow, CM17 9NA, UK | cast out...'
ds...@bnr.co.uk | +44 279 429531 x2763 (ESN 742) | Subdivisions, Rush
===========================================================================
'You know how that rabbit feels -- going under your speeding wheels...'
===========================================================================
Dave K. Sprow
>mlb...@husc10.harvard.edu (Matthew Bruce) writes:
>
>>How 'bout "I can't go out with you because I have a SO in (insert city,
>>state or country name here)," when the same person agrees to date someone
>>else a week later.
>
>My favorite variation of this (sarcasm, anyone?) is: asking a woman out,
>she agrees, you go to a movie/restaurant/whatever, after most of the
>evening is over, she finally starts to tell you about her boyfriend
>in another state. If she had a boyfriend, why the zark did she go out
>with me?
>
>Makes me nuts (not really a difficult task, however).
>
>Paul
David
Mark
>"Hi my name is Julie, I've got a boyfriend, he's got a GUN!"
"Well I have a degree in Nuclear Physics, am a professional engineer, have
a penchant for overreacting a bit to adversity, and there's 1000 kg of
Plutonium from Europe on the Black Market as of last week."
Andreas Tovornik
>mlb...@husc10.harvard.edu (Matthew Bruce) writes:
>
>>How 'bout "I can't go out with you because I have a SO in (insert city,
>>state or country name here)," when the same person agrees to date someone
>>else a week later.
>
>My favorite variation of this (sarcasm, anyone?) is: asking a woman out,
>she agrees, you go to a movie/restaurant/whatever, after most of the
>evening is over, she finally starts to tell you about her boyfriend
>in another state. If she had a boyfriend, why the zark did she go out
>with me?
Yeah, don't you just LOVE teases? I asked a girl of seventeen out when I was
Eighteen. We went to the college watering hole for beer and dancing: Soon as
I ordered drinks, she was dancing and teasing with every guy there but me! I
got very drunk, went ouside and commenced to uproot every shrubbery in sight.
After closing time we took a cab back home and she asked ME whether or not
seventeen was too young an age to get physical with her boyfriend who's thirty
years old and lives across town!!!
Great,eh?
dreas
Guy Middleton
>
> >"We need to talk." (it's *never* good news)
>
> Heh. The only time I've heard that line, it was to indicate
> that we had to formally maker up our mids about whether we were going
> to live up to the gossip concerning our dating.
Such an obvious straight line, James. I'm sure the net is dying for details.
Of course, being a head-in-the sand kind of person, I never did hear all the
gossip.
-Guy Middleton, University of Waterloo gamid...@math.waterloo.edu
(+1 519 885 1211 x3472) gamid...@math.uwaterloo.ca
Seth Breidbart
>> >>> So, any other one-liners that you hate to hear? Let's have 'em!
Any variant on "My mother approves of you." In my experience, it's
the kiss of death for a relationship.
Seth se...@fid.morgan.com
Daniel Barclay
> And while we're at it, what one-liners have been kind? Is there any such
> thing? To the guys out there: What have been the more palatable
> rejections you've had? What advice would you give to women who truly
> don't want to offend but just aren't interested, either before or at the
> end of a relationship?
Well, I once got: "No. I live with my boyfriend. But I'm flattered you
asked." The third sentence made it nicer than just "No thanks". (And much
nicer than "get away from me you creep!" (No, I don't think I've ever gotten
that.)) The second sentence makes the "no" pretty definite, useful for Nice
Guy [TM] cases I presume. (I haven't been _too_ much of one, I hope.)
--
Daniel S. Barclay CAD Language Systems, Inc.
Suite 101, 5457 Twin Knolls Rd.
Why can't _I_ think of a signature? Columbia, MD 21045 USA
Andreas Tovornik
>*no really groovy sig yet....*
Now that's a relief :-)
dreas
James Davis Nicoll
>In article <BwJu...@watdragon.uwaterloo.ca> jdni...@watyew.uwaterloo.ca (James Davis Nicoll) writes:
>>
>> >"We need to talk." (it's *never* good news)
>>
>> Heh. The only time I've heard that line, it was to indicate
>> to live up to the gossip concerning our dating.
>
>Such an obvious straight line, James. I'm sure the net is dying for details.
>Of course, being a head-in-the sand kind of person, I never did hear all the
>gossip.
(This concerns a theatre group/excuse for some damn fine parties
Guy and I are in, along with Fred Walters and some other soc.singles
folks).
Not a lot to talk about: we happened to have dinner together fairly
often, and tended to be seen in each others company a lot, so, theater
gossip took that and a few hours of chaste kisses on a couch at a party,
and assumed Something was Going On. We had to decide whether or not we
thought we should start the relationship everyone *else* claimed we
were having or try to stop the rumours. Rumour stopping is *hard*.
Oddly, some folks expressed concern for Jaz, since for reasons
that escape me, some folks see me as vindictive and violent.
James Nicoll
Kevin Cameron
In article <BwKrq...@andy.bgsu.edu>, pfr...@andy.bgsu.edu (Paul M. Frazier) writes:
> mlb...@husc10.harvard.edu (Matthew Bruce) writes:
>
> in another state. If she had a boyfriend, why the zark did she go out
> with me?
She was probably looking for someone better/closer - looks like you didn't cut
it :-)
Kev.
--
WHFS: Living in a screwed-up place in a screwed-up time with screwed-up people,
does not necessarily mean you are screwed-up.
Guy Middleton
>
> Oddly, some folks expressed concern for Jaz, since for reasons
> that escape me, some folks see me as vindictive and violent.
Silly people. We all *know* that you're not violent.
-Guy
James Davis Nicoll
> (This concerns a theatre group/excuse for some damn fine parties
>Guy and I are in, along with Fred Walters and some other soc.singles
>folks).
>
> Not a lot to talk about: we happened to have dinner together fairly
>often, and tended to be seen in each others company a lot, so, theater
>gossip took that and a few hours of chaste kisses on a couch at a party,
>and assumed Something was Going On. We had to decide whether or not we
>thought we should start the relationship everyone *else* claimed we
>were having or try to stop the rumours. Rumour stopping is *hard*.
I checked my version of the above with The Light of My Life, and it
would appear that I erred on one important detail: she does not kiss
people she isn't dating, so the couch incident happened after formalization
of relations. It has been suggested strongly that I correct this error
concerning these events and her character.
With luck and painkillers, my back should be completely healed
by Monday.*
James Nicoll
* I got attacked by a rabid couch during a set change for a
show featuring whipped cream and grandmothers. Lift with knees,
not with the back.
Stef Jones
>My favorite variation of this (sarcasm, anyone?) is: asking a woman out,
>she agrees, you go to a movie/restaurant/whatever, after most of the
>evening is over, she finally starts to tell you about her boyfriend
>in another state. If she had a boyfriend, why the zark did she go out
>with me?
Hm. Well, I'm glad that my SO agreed to go out with me, even though he
knew that I was seeing someone in another city.
Personally, I think the first date should be for people to get to know
whether they're compatible with each other. If you asked me out and
I thought you were interesting but we didn't know much about each other,
I would feel pretty stupid saying, "Well, OK, but I just want to let you
know that I have a boyfriend in another state." The first date is for
finding out that sort of thing about another person; having to settle it
all in advance makes the asking-out process even more unpleasant than it
already is.
--
Stef "Excuse me. This life isn't working. I want to exchange it."
st...@apple.com "Have you tried plugging it in?"
Robert Thurlow
>To the guys out there: What have been the more palatable
>rejections you've had? What advice would you give to women who truly
>don't want to offend but just aren't interested, either before or at the
>end of a relationship?
One I got was from a terrific woman who had initially agreed to go out
to a movie and who later called me back and said she had to cancel -
permanently. I asked why, and she said she felt badly about it, but
wasn't really interested, and hadn't known how to tell me that earlier.
She couldn't really put anything more into words. SHe also told me
she wasn't really interested in staying in contact.
Because she was polite and tried to be as honest as she could with the
ways of her heart that she didn't understand, I thought well of her.
I was a little disappointed because I really HAD wanted to gnaw on her
rivets, but the disappointment lasted only a couple of days, which was
a record for me in those long-ago days.
Advice? Be honest. If you know a specific reason, and the rejectee
is asking politely, tell hir in as diplomatic a style as you can. If
you don't really know why, don't dredge the harbour for reasons, but
just say you don't feel you want to take it further. If you do or
don't want to remain friends, be honest about that too, remembering
that the other has veto power. Be kind if you can, without thinking
that kindness means leaving doors open that should be closed.
One more tip - if you're the rejectee, don't ask a question until and
unless you're ready to hear the answer, whatever it might be.
Rob T
--
Rob Thurlow, thu...@convex.com
"I get so tickled debunking bad personal philosophy." - Milquetoast
brent, eh?
>
> And while we're at it, what one-liners have been kind? Is there any such
> rejections you've had? What advice would you give to women who truly
> don't want to offend but just aren't interested, either before or at the
> end of a relationship?
>
>
this is an impossible feat..., no matter what you say, the fact is that the
dumpee will be upset by the fact that they are being dumped, there's just
no way of making it feel good.....
I find that for myself, however, I feel somewhat less crushed if the person
says that they still want to be friends and MEANS it...
Nothing is worse than being told that they still want to be friends with you
when they really mean "I want to avoid you as long as possible, and then
pretend that I can still tolerate you when we do bump into each other"
If you dont REALLY want to be friends, don't make the other person think
that you do just to make them feel better, it will only make things worse
in the long run...
To me, being friends with someone is very important, so if the romantic
relationship isn't meant to be, I am just as happy (well maybe not just as
happy, but close anyway) if I can be friends with the person, either instead
of or after the romantic relationship, but that's just me....
-Brontosaur can never have too many friends...
Julia Smith
>(stuff deleted)
>
>I find that for myself, however, I feel somewhat less crushed if the person
>says that they still want to be friends and MEANS it...
>Nothing is worse than being told that they still want to be friends with you
>when they really mean "I want to avoid you as long as possible, and then
>pretend that I can still tolerate you when we do bump into each other"
>If you dont REALLY want to be friends, don't make the other person think
>that you do just to make them feel better, it will only make things worse
>in the long run...
>
are *not* the perfect person meeting all emotional needs and etc
go about "meaning to be friends"?
For sake of argument, let's presume the dumping occurred after
a relationship lasting... more than a week. Is it friendship or
the height of cruelty for the dumper to continue to call to talk,
go out with, and otherwise maintain friendly contact with the
dumpee, all the while going on with the process of finding a new
romantic interest? Color me deeply skeptical (though not flaming -
I am truly curious if you have some insights to share on how friendship
might be preserved...)
--j <"A vibration is just a motion that hasn't made up its
mind which way to go.">
trygve lode
'Tis easy--you go through the dumping process ("I don't think we should
be seeing each other romantically any more." (reasons optional)) and
then the two of you start behaving like friends in whatever manner both
of you are comfortable with. (e.g., if A dumps B but still wants to
sleep with B until A finds someone else but B is not comfortable with
that, it's best that they don't sleep together anymore.)
I've been through this scenario several times and it's pretty
straightforward--indeed, often the conversation has segued directly
from the breakup and brief discussion thereof to whom she is really
interested in and my giving advice about him or her (if I know the
person in question--which is usually the case) and the traditional
"do you think that he/she is interested in me?" questions.
Many of my dearest friends are former romantic interests--not only is
what I look for in a romantic interest a superset of what I look for in
a friend, but also our past as lovers lends an added closeness to the
friendship that lasts long after the romantic aspect of our relationship
has ended, so there are strong advantages of my keeping former lovers
as friends.
Trygve
Julie Wright
la...@b8.b8.ingr.com (Larry Billings) writes:
>"Hi my name is Julie, I've got a boyfriend, he's got a GUN!"
Nah. Don't worry, he doesn't hate car alarms THAT much. ;)
---Julie (of egging fame)
--
* loris, n. Any of several small, nocturnal, arboreal primates of the *
* genera _Loris_ and _Nycticebus_, of tropical Asia, having dense, woolly *
* fur, large eyes, and a vestigial tail. [French, probably from obsolete *
* Dutch _loeris_, simpleton, clown.] ---- American Heritage Dictionary *
Juha Taina
>Some others, mostly for after you've been goin' steady awhile:
>4. "I don't love you any more"
"My mom/dad/best friend/dog doesn't love you any more" :)
--
Juha Taina ta...@cs.helsinki.fi Phone: +358-0-708-4247
Robert Thurlow
>In <1992Oct23.1...@bnr.co.uk> ds...@bnr.co.uk (Stewart Tansley) writes:
>>Some others, mostly for after you've been goin' steady awhile:
>>4. "I don't love you any more"
> "My mom/dad/best friend/dog doesn't love you any more" :)
How about, "God told me you're not the right man for me."
ga...@ayou34.enet.dec.com
How about
'Its just not the same'
Favourite was
'I still really like you and everything, I just don't feel
like having sex with you any more'
Nice and straight forward.
Gary
Michele Guillet
>In <31...@hydra.Helsinki.FI> ta...@cs.Helsinki.FI (Juha Taina) writes:
>
>> "My mom/dad/best friend/dog doesn't love you any more" :)
I had to try bribery (have the new man in my life give the dog
lots of doggie treats). I think I am more or less limited to
dog lovers now.
>How about, "God told me you're not the right man for me."
I think I would be somehow confused and grateful at the same time.
But then I am an agnostic and I am suspicious of people who talk
directly to god. So I'll probably be glad to find out sooner than later.
--
Michele Guillet The Communications Research Centre
3701 Carling Avenue, Ottawa, Ontario, CANADA, K2H 8S2 tel:613-998-2384
Internet: mic...@dgbt.doc.ca
Paul M. Frazier
>In article <BwKrq...@andy.bgsu.edu>, pfr...@andy.bgsu.edu (Paul M. Frazier) writes:
>> mlb...@husc10.harvard.edu (Matthew Bruce) writes:
>>
>> ... she finally starts to tell you about her boyfriend
>> in another state. If she had a boyfriend, why the zark did she go out
>> with me?
>She was probably looking for someone better/closer - looks like you didn't cut
>it :-)
I would have thought the same thing if it had happened once, but it happened
5 times in a row with 5 different women. I assume they weren't comparing
notes, since they didn't know each other (to my knowledge).
Larry Billings
> In article <1992Oct25....@ac.dal.ca> bre...@ac.dal.ca (brent, eh?) writes:
> >(stuff deleted)
> >
> >I find that for myself, however, I feel somewhat less crushed if the person
> >says that they still want to be friends and MEANS it...
> >
> are *not* the perfect person meeting all emotional needs and etc
> go about "meaning to be friends"?
> For sake of argument, let's presume the dumping occurred after
> a relationship lasting... more than a week. Is it friendship or
> the height of cruelty for the dumper to continue to call to talk,
> go out with, and otherwise maintain friendly contact with the
> dumpee, all the while going on with the process of finding a new
> romantic interest? Color me deeply skeptical (though not flaming -
> I am truly curious if you have some insights to share on how friendship
> might be preserved...)
I think that the person doing the dumping should not push the friendship too
much, I had to tell one girl that I wanted to just be friends, and I really
meant it. I initated contact twice after that, and waited for her to call
me, she never did so I figured it was just too painful for her and let it
drop. I never saw her again.
>
> --j <"A vibration is just a motion that hasn't made up its
> mind which way to go.">
Well, I've done it again, I offered info to the net in a polite way, so I
had better prepare for the upcoming flames.
brent, eh?
> are *not* the perfect person meeting all emotional needs and etc
> go about "meaning to be friends"?
> For sake of argument, let's presume the dumping occurred after
> a relationship lasting... more than a week. Is it friendship or
> the height of cruelty for the dumper to continue to call to talk,
> go out with, and otherwise maintain friendly contact with the
> dumpee, all the while going on with the process of finding a new
> romantic interest? Color me deeply skeptical (though not flaming -
> I am truly curious if you have some insights to share on how friendship
> might be preserved...)
>
> --j <"A vibration is just a motion that hasn't made up its
> mind which way to go.">
Well, I will admit, it isn't often easy, but it can be done. It took me quite
a few tries to get this figured out, and it doesn't always work, but if both
people do want to be friends afterward it can be done.
The problems that usually keep you from being frinds after a relationship
has gone sour are the negative feelings about the break up, and the unresolved
feelings that used to be between you but are no longer there. The best way to
deal with those feelings is to not try to be friends right away, but take a
break from each other for about a month (or more, if the relationship was
really long and close) where you don't see each other or talk to each other.
After that time has gone by, you will often find that the unresolved feelings
will have faded and will no longer get in the way of being friends. If you
get together and find that you are still uncomfortable together, take some
more time. Sometimes you really have to start from scratch and get to know
each other again as friends, but if you both want to be friends, it will be
worth it. I find that being friends after ending a romantic relationship is
one of the best friendships one can have, since you know a great deal about
each other, and if you can be friends after, you care about each other a
great deal. It always dissapoints me if I can't be friends with people after
going out with someone, but it isn't easy for everyone, that's the way life
goes sometimes...
ooohhh, that was a long one, wasn't it......I tend to ramble a little about
things that I feel strongly about, and friends are just about the biggest...
let me know what you think of this, has anyone else tried it?? has anything
else helped you become friends with your X's???
-Brontosaur hates to have relationships die
brent, eh?
> Many of my dearest friends are former romantic interests--not only is
> what I look for in a romantic interest a superset of what I look for in
> a friend, but also our past as lovers lends an added closeness to the
> friendship that lasts long after the romantic aspect of our relationship
> has ended, so there are strong advantages of my keeping former lovers
> as friends.
>
> Trygve
Yeah! exactly! That's what I wanted to say in my previous posts, you took the
words right out of my mouth, and made them even better than me, quite a feat.
I'm happy to hear I'm not the only one that feels this way, I talked to some
of my friends about this, and about half of them said, "once it's over, it's
over. I never want to see them again. " and the other half says "well, if
they really want to still be friends, I might give it a try..."
sigh...
-Brontosaur's too deep for his peers....
james.j.dutton
>The problems that usually keep you from being frinds after a relationship
>has gone sour are the negative feelings about the break up, and the unresolved
>feelings that used to be between you but are no longer there. The best way to
>deal with those feelings is to not try to be friends right away, but take a
>break from each other for about a month (or more, if the relationship was
>really long and close) where you don't see each other or talk to each other.
>After that time has gone by, you will often find that the unresolved feelings
>will have faded and will no longer get in the way of being friends. If you
>get together and find that you are still uncomfortable together, take some
>more time. Sometimes you really have to start from scratch and get to know
>each other again as friends, but if you both want to be friends, it will be
>worth it. I find that being friends after ending a romantic relationship is
>one of the best friendships one can have, since you know a great deal about
>each other, and if you can be friends after, you care about each other a
>great deal. It always dissapoints me if I can't be friends with people after
>going out with someone, but it isn't easy for everyone, that's the way life
>goes sometimes...
If you have time, could you post a brief blurb of the meaning of the
universe and how it relates to me.
Thanks,
jimmy cracked corn.
================================================================================
Ipsissimus of the Inner Order of Sesquipedalian Fruitcakes - IIOSF XOX Dawn
Sesquipedalian's 'R' Us. ZX-10. DoD#564. There ain't no more.
================================================================================
Dawn Hardin
>>> 2. "You're really nice and I'd like you as my friend, but ..."
>>>
>>> So, any other one-liners that you hate to hear? Let's have 'em!
>
>
"The way that you crumple my laundry when you hang it up shows a systematic
lack of respect for me." (Honest, I'm not making this one up -- and I hadn't
even done his laundry in two years.)
"It's your fault that your friends won't sleep with me."
"If we don't break up now, then we might break up in a few years."
Dawn
"Then I check out that chick Leda with the swan pecking at her pink egg tempera
nipple. Hey, what that swan be doing? And why? And how 'bout those plump
maidens, those hot cherubic babes being presented to Apollo, Dionysius,
Neptune or one of those other well hung gods?" by Bongwater
Kiran Wagle
>Well, I've done it again, I offered info to the net in a polite way,
>so I had better prepare for the upcoming flames.
But this time you said something reasonable, instead of trying to
justify or defend one of the most obnoxious examples of the 'evils of
technology.'
--
Kiran Wagle <ki...@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu>
Robert Thurlow
>Ok, I give. How does a person who has just made it clear you
>are *not* the perfect person meeting all emotional needs and etc
>go about "meaning to be friends"?
First, by making sure they aren't bullshitting me about wanting to do
things with me as a friend. If there is an honest desire to not lose
contact, you won't. You'll find a way to succeed, rather than a way to
fail. Hunting for a new partner isn't something that needs to interfere.
Maybe it means waiting a time. Maybe it means doing some things with
mutual friends and trying to treat each other well but not at all
romatically. Maybe it means getting together at intervals and catching
up. I think the exact friendship needs to get negotiated so that both
parties are comfortable, and that it can work as long as both people
want it to work because they like the other person. Going through the
motions because you think you should is specifically contraindicated :-)
Robert Thurlow
>In article <thurlow....@convex.convex.com> thu...@convex.com (Robert Thurlow) writes:
>>How about, "God told me you're not the right man for me."
>I think I would be somehow confused and grateful at the same time.
>But then I am an agnostic and I am suspicious of people who talk
>directly to god. So I'll probably be glad to find out sooner than later.
Well, I heard this at a time in my life when I really did think I
was ready to believe. It was a bitch, to put it mildly.
Larry Billings
>
>
>
> How about
>
> 'Its just not the same'
>
> Favourite was
>
> 'I still really like you and everything, I just don't feel
> like having sex with you any more'
Can you then ask about having sex "any less"?
>
> Nice and straight forward.
Or any other way, so long as you both agree. :) :)
>
>
> Gary
aa...@minster.york.ac.uk
: >So, any other one-liners that you hate to hear? Let's have 'em!
:
How about "Bwahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha -- you?" (happened to me)
Aaron aa...@minster.york.ac.uk
(Sympathy gratefully accepted)
Charles Albrecht
"I don't want to give you the wrong impression, but..."
-C
Larry Billings
> la...@b8.b8.ingr.com (Larry Billings) writes:
>
> >Well, I've done it again, I offered info to the net in a polite way,
> >so I had better prepare for the upcoming flames.
>
> But this time you said something reasonable, instead of trying to
> justify or defend one of the most obnoxious examples of the 'evils of
> technology.'
My first post was not defensive in any way, or of anything. It was posting
of information that others might not know, and asking what steps had been
taken if any. After I received answers to my questions, I admitted that I
had no better suggestions.
The defensive nature of my posts came after I was attacked. The offensive
nature of my posts came after I was called names and attacked for defending
my right to my own opinion.
> --
>
> Kiran Wagle <ki...@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu>
Bill de Beaubien
: "The way that you crumple my laundry when you hang it up shows a systematic
: lack of respect for me." (Honest, I'm not making this one up -- and I hadn't
: even done his laundry in two years.)
Well, maybe that was the problem. Clearly he wanted his laundry done and
crumpled correctly. Yeah, that must be it.
James Davis Nicoll
relationship was not in the cards' happened back in 1986. I had been
smitten by a very pleasant woman I met at UW, but being cautious, I
asked two friends (A couple of whom I was the 3rd wheel) to see if
she was in dating mode at that time. They knew her better than I
did, and I thought I was being cunning, and avoiding the need for
her to reject me in person, if that was how things worked out.
As it turned out, there was absolutely no way we were going to date,
and my friends decided to break the news to me uniquely:
They did a snappy, fairly loud song-and-dance number whose
gist was 'When Hell Freezes Over'. They did this while we were lined
up to see a movie, so *lots* of people got to watch. I was less
happy than was possible.
Later that night, one of them chewed me out for making
a comment deriding the possiblity of the romance in the movie
occuring in real life and took me to task for being a downer that
evening. I did not socialise with that pair much after that.
James Nicoll
PS: Not as humilating as the time an editor of a scene I wrote
chose to react to my use of Lovecraftian horrors to finish off
the crew of 'The Minnow' by leaping into a public diatribe on
why James Nicoll uses obscure humour and what this says about
him.
As I recall, Cthulhu showed, the Professor said
'Oh, look. An Eldrich Horror' and then they died. People
liked the stage direction...
Bill de Beaubien
: la...@b8.b8.ingr.com (Larry Billings) writes:
:
: >Well, I've done it again, I offered info to the net in a polite way,
: >so I had better prepare for the upcoming flames.
:
: But this time you said something reasonable, instead of trying to
: justify or defend one of the most obnoxious examples of the 'evils of
: technology.'
Folks, this is getting way out of hand. Sure, some people have car alarms
and are very irresponsible about it, but it's silly to think that this
automatically means that anyone with a car alarm is reprehensible scum.
I've been bothered by people playing stereos on peak volume in the past,
so is everyone who owns a stereo automatically horrible? There aren't
many things out there that can be used in such a way as to be annoying
to someone, or even a great number of people. Most things can also be
used to benefit someone (or people) without being overly obnoxious.
There's always such a hue and cry against stereotyping around here. What
do you think this is?
--
Who needs lime jello? We had lasagna...
-------------------------------------------------------------
Bill de Beaubien / w...@moscom.com
Dawn Hardin
>In article <1992Oct22.142355.10887@bsu-ucs>, 01ks...@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu (Rebel without a clue.) writes:
>>
>> "I never loved you dear, it was all just an act."
>>
>> Ouch.
>>
>> Kyle
>
>I had something similar said to me after being engaged for six months,
>
> "I never loved you, I was just lonely"
Don't you just hate one-upmanship? Ya know, when you post something awful
that happened to you and somebody says, oh, you think *that's* bad, you
should see what happened to me?
That said...
You think that's bad? My ex said that to me after we had been together for
ten years and I was eight months pregnant. No joke. This really happened.
Right after the "I hate the way you do laundry" line. I defy anybody in net
land to top it -- it might cheer me up. On second thought, it probably won't.
Kiran Wagle
>The defensive nature of my posts came after I was attacked. The offensive
>nature of my posts came after I was called names and attacked for defending
>my right to my own opinion.
Yup, as they say, soc.singles is not a uterus.
(Where have 'they' gone anyway?)
--
"The world is so empty if one thinks only of mountains, rivers, and cities;
but to know someone here and there who thinks and feels with us,
and who, thought distant, is close to us in spirit,
this makes the earth for us an inhabited garden."..................Goethe
--
Kiran Wagle <ki...@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu>
Scott Probst
>In <1992Oct26....@dgbt.doc.ca> mic...@dgbt.doc.ca (Michele Guillet) writes:
>
>>In article <thurlow....@convex.convex.com> thu...@convex.com (Robert Thurlow) writes:
>
>>>How about, "God told me you're not the right man for me."
>
>>I think I would be somehow confused and grateful at the same time.
>>But then I am an agnostic and I am suspicious of people who talk
>>directly to god. So I'll probably be glad to find out sooner than later.
>
>Well, I heard this at a time in my life when I really did think I
>was ready to believe. It was a bitch, to put it mildly.
>
this reminds me of the born-again christian woman who referred to me openly
as a "heathen", but still seemed to think i was worth saving... weird but
fun.
Scott Probst
>In article <1992Oct23.2...@b8.b8.ingr.com> la...@b8.b8.ingr.com (Larry Billings) writes:
>>In article <1992Oct22.142355.10887@bsu-ucs>, 01ks...@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu (Rebel without a clue.) writes:
>>>
>>> "I never loved you dear, it was all just an act."
>>
>>
>> "I never loved you, I was just lonely"
>
>
>You think that's bad? My ex said that to me after we had been together for
>ten years and I was eight months pregnant. No joke. This really happened.
>Right after the "I hate the way you do laundry" line. I defy anybody in net
>land to top it -- it might cheer me up. On second thought, it probably won't.
>
"you're hitting on my friends!" - spoken four months after the end of the
dating relationship. i didn't have a ready reply, but i liked the reference
to Cthulhu that i just saw in another post. wish i'd thought of it then.
scott
"If that happens, of course, you will find a packet of
sea urchins in your mailbox. To derive full enjoyment,
take one in each hand and squeeze." - Dr H. S. Thompson
Julie Wright
>ki...@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu (Kiran Wagle) writes:
>> la...@b8.b8.ingr.com (Larry Billings) writes:
>>>Well, I've done it again, I offered info to the net in a polite way,
^^^^^^
>>>so I had better prepare for the upcoming flames.
>> But this time you said something reasonable, instead of trying to
>> justify or defend one of the most obnoxious examples of the 'evils of
>> technology.'
>My first post was not defensive in any way, or of anything. It was posting
>of information that others might not know, and asking what steps had been
>taken if any. After I received answers to my questions, I admitted that I
>had no better suggestions.
>The defensive nature of my posts came after I was attacked. The offensive
>nature of my posts came after I was called names and attacked for defending
>my right to my own opinion.
Oh come ON, Larry. Lauren complained about "extremely annoying [car]
alarms that go off frequently, for no apparent reason, and in the wee
hours of the morning". After quoting that, I suggested throwing raw
eggs at the windshield, a policy I still recommend (with the clarification
that if you actually stand in front of the car and aim competently,
it will hit only the windshield; I don't think I'd advocate chucking
the egg from an upstairs window, though I've been tempted). I said
it would make the egger feel happy and provide "gentle encouragement"
to the eggee to fix the alarm. Now, during the course of this argument
you've made it clear your alarm does NOT go off frequently in the wee
hours of the morning, so I don't know why you should assume this egg
policy would affect YOU. But you proceeded to tell me I should perhaps
"live somewhere else or lighten up a bit" and said "There are sensible
ways to deal with this problem" without listing any others besides
the note (which, as we've since said, doesn't seem to work on the offender,
and trust me, egging is much more satisfying for the Victim of Noise
Oppression).
NOW you're claiming you were merely being nice and helpful, and people
jumped all over you simply because you own a car alarm; well, seems to
me your original tone was that anyone who was irritated enough by these
damn things to actually THROW AN EGG (oh the horror) was oversensitive
and loony. So you can consider all the follow-up posts to be nice,
helpful attempts to convince you that many people DO see broken car alarms
as a major and pointless nuisance. If _your_ car alarm works, more power
to you; the Egg Brigade will never dirty your windshield.
---Julie
--
___________________________________________________________________
| Pigs and goats alike care nothing for the opera. |
| --- Tom Weller, _Minims_ |
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Andreas Tovornik
>In article <1992Oct23.2...@b8.b8.ingr.com> la...@b8.b8.ingr.com (Larry Billings) writes:
>>In article <1992Oct22.142355.10887@bsu-ucs>, 01ks...@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu (Rebel without a clue.) writes:
>>>
>>> "I never loved you dear, it was all just an act."
>>>
>>> Ouch.
>>>
>>> Kyle
>>
>>I had something similar said to me after being engaged for six months,
>>
>> "I never loved you, I was just lonely"
>
>Don't you just hate one-upmanship? Ya know, when you post something awful
>that happened to you and somebody says, oh, you think *that's* bad, you
>should see what happened to me?
>
>That said...
>
>You think that's bad? My ex said that to me after we had been together for
>ten years and I was eight months pregnant. No joke. This really happened.
>Right after the "I hate the way you do laundry" line. I defy anybody in net
>land to top it -- it might cheer me up. On second thought, it probably won't.
That one's too good: Awright, Dawn(go away, I'm no good for you), YOU WIN!
dreas
brent, eh?
> [My Relationship to friend formula deleted]
> Dear Brontosaur,
> If you have time, could you post a brief blurb of the meaning of the
> universe and how it relates to me.
> Thanks,
> jimmy cracked corn.
>
>
Well jimmy, I may not be able to tell you how it relates to you, but I like to
think I've worked out pretty much how it relates to me, so if your anything
like me, I could send it to you, and maybe it would give your life purpose...
Of course, it would take you about 5 years to read it all, so it might be
too late by then....
If your a lot like me, however, you would be practically perfect, and have
figured this all out for youself... B-)
-Brontosaur is still not perfect, so what?
Larry Billings
> >
> >I had something similar said to me after being engaged for six months,
> >
> > "I never loved you, I was just lonely"
>
> Don't you just hate one-upmanship? Ya know, when you post something awful
> that happened to you and somebody says, oh, you think *that's* bad, you
> should see what happened to me?
>
> That said...
>
> You think that's bad? My ex said that to me after we had been together for
> ten years and I was eight months pregnant. No joke. This really happened.
> Right after the "I hate the way you do laundry" line. I defy anybody in net
> land to top it -- it might cheer me up. On second thought, it probably won't.
>
> Dawn
Well in the interest of one-upmanship, My mother said to me:
"I never wanted you, I only gave birth to you because I was lonely"
NOT really, But true life can't get better (or worse) than that.
Sorry to hear that Dawn, sounds like you married an award winning &*$#@%*&%$#.
james.j.dutton
>In article <1992Oct26.2...@cbfsb.cb.att.com>, jj...@cbnewsg.cb.att.com (james.j.dutton) writes:
>> [My Relationship to friend formula deleted]
>
>> Dear Brontosaur,
>> If you have time, could you post a brief blurb of the meaning of the
>> universe and how it relates to me.
>> Thanks,
>> jimmy cracked corn.
>>
>>
>
>Well jimmy, I may not be able to tell you how it relates to you, but I like to
>think I've worked out pretty much how it relates to me, so if your anything
>like me, I could send it to you, and maybe it would give your life purpose...
>Of course, it would take you about 5 years to read it all, so it might be
>too late by then....
>If your a lot like me, however, you would be practically perfect, and have
>figured this all out for youself... B-)
Congrats on the sense of humour.
nancy.l.colucci
>In article <ler6ac...@news.bbn.com> dha...@spcink.bbn.com (Dawn Hardin) writes:
>>> "I never loved you, I was just lonely"
>>ten years and I was eight months pregnant. No joke. This really happened.
>>Right after the "I hate the way you do laundry" line. I defy anybody in net
>>land to top it -- it might cheer me up. On second thought, it probably won't.
Well this is lame compared to the above, but how about:
"Yes I said I loved you but I didn't know what love WAS then."
And a few dredged up from a long-gone (thank God) past:
"Why can't we have this great relationship AND see other people?"
"How can I hit on other women with you hanging on me like that?"
"I want to meet your friends. Not the guys, though."
"OK if I can't date anyone else then how about a threesome with one
of your girlfriends and you hide in the closet and watch?"
"I'm afraid to say I love you because then I'll never get rid of you."
"She's just a friend I'm having lunch with. No I won't tell you her
name, you'll kill her."
"Can we drive separately?"
By the way, that last line can be added to the "you know it's over when"
list. The request to drive separate cars is one clue that the relationship
is in a nosedive.
--
-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-=*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+
Nance Colucci, soc.singles Protocol Advisor att!ihlpk!colucci
- Please God. Please let Bill Clinton win. Please. Amen -
-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-=*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+-+*+
Larry Billings
> la...@b8.b8.ingr.com (Larry Billings) writes:
>
> >ki...@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu (Kiran Wagle) writes:
> >> la...@b8.b8.ingr.com (Larry Billings) writes:
>
>
> >The defensive nature of my posts came after I was attacked. The offensive
> >nature of my posts came after I was called names and attacked for defending
> >my right to my own opinion.
>
> Oh come ON, Larry. Lauren complained about "extremely annoying [car]
> alarms that go off frequently, for no apparent reason, and in the wee
> hours of the morning". After quoting that, I suggested throwing raw
> eggs at the windshield, a policy I still recommend (with the clarification
As I stated, my first post was purely informative, My responce to you was
the second one on that thread, and I defended my property (ie car and truck)
by saying "DD NOT throw things at my vehicles" (using context not exact wording)
but didn't defend car alarms in general and certainly not the ones owned by
obnoxious people who will not turn them off. I made a recomendation and later
found it had already been attempted. After reasonable means have been tried
getting NASTY is not so objectionable. I had a neighbor who ran his car through
my wood fence, breaking a large section and letting my dogs run free for two
days while I was out of town. I followed the tracks from my fence to where he
parked his car, observed the damage to his car, and waited for his apology.
When it was not forthcoming, I called the cops on him. He swore to the cops
that he had not hit my fence, and I had no eye witnesses, so nothing happened.
All I wanted was an appology and promice that if it ever happened again, he
would prevent my dogs from escaping. He couldn't even do that, so afterwards
any problems I had with him I took severe measures, calling his landlord and
the police, and others (of which I will swear never happened). He no longer
lives next to me, but I tried the reasonable methods first. That action was
not specified in your original post.
> But you proceeded to tell me I should perhaps
> "live somewhere else or lighten up a bit"
Perhaps I should have put smiles after that, It was meant as a rebuttal to
your statement that it should convince them to park elsewhere, or something
to that effect, and not meant literally.
and said "There are sensible
> ways to deal with this problem" without listing any others besides
> the note (which, as we've since said, doesn't seem to work on the offender,
> and trust me, egging is much more satisfying for the Victim of Noise
> Oppression).
>
At the time I couldn't think of any, but getting into the Halloween spirit now
I might have one. Write him a note but not on paper with a pencil. Write
on his windshield or all the windows:
"Hi, my onwer/driver is the ASSHOLE who lets his car alarm go off all night
long"
or something along that line. Of course that requires going out there, but you
recommend that anyway for accuracy purposes. I would not get more than
momentarilary upset if I caught someone soaping my windows. I would probaly
quickly see the humor of it.
*****OK everyone, no suggestions of swaping paint for the soap and doors for
the windows*****
> NOW you're claiming you were merely being nice and helpful, and people
> jumped all over you simply because you own a car alarm; well, seems to
Well, there were some very specific accusations along that line, some by E-mail
which cannot be misinterpeted as directed at someone else. One post I remember
specifically stated that anyone who owned a car alarm was a "testerone
loaded, macho man, with no brains, and drove a BIG truck" there were several
other names in there as it was three or four lines of detrimintal remarks.
Not having saved the original post and being unable to recall it with my
newsreader, that is all I can remember about it.. BTW there were NO :)'s
after, before, or inside the remarks.
> me your original tone was that anyone who was irritated enough by these
> damn things to actually THROW AN EGG (oh the horror) was oversensitive
> and loony.
If that is your FIRST course of action, I still think that is true.
>
> ---Julie
> --
John Fereira
|Well jimmy, I may not be able to tell you how it relates to you, but I like to
|think I've worked out pretty much how it relates to me, so if your anything
|like me, I could send it to you, and maybe it would give your life purpose...
|
|Purpose? Lets forget the whole thang.
|
Life may have no meaning
or, even worse,
It may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
--
+==========================================================================+
| John Fereira | Auspex Systems | "Ask me about my vow of silence." |
| jo...@auspex.com | Santa Clara CA | |
+==========================================================================+
james.j.dutton
>In article <1992Oct28.1...@cbfsb.cb.att.com> jj...@cbnewsg.cb.att.com (james.j.dutton) writes:
>
>
>|Well jimmy, I may not be able to tell you how it relates to you, but I like to
>|think I've worked out pretty much how it relates to me, so if your anything
>|like me, I could send it to you, and maybe it would give your life purpose...
>|
>|Purpose? Lets forget the whole thang.
>|
>
>Life may have no meaning
>or, even worse,
>It may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
>
>-Ashleigh Brilliant
>
Dave K. Sprow
Sorry, I couldn't bear to delete these lines. At the risk of appearing
insenstive to some really amaing lines, these provided the best laugh I've
had in a while. It's hard to believe that anyone would say them. I'm
still wiping my eyes :-)
David S.
CatWoman
] "Can we drive separately?"
]
] By the way, that last line can be added to the "you know it's over when"
] list. The request to drive separate cars is one clue that the relationship
] is in a nosedive.
Well, depends on the circumstances. If we were both
supposedly planning to come back to the same place, and
not NEED the separate cars later, then I'd agree with
you.
But if we're going from my place to a party to his
place, and I need to get to work the next day - we
take two cars.
Diana
Dawn Hardin
It kinda reminds me of what a friend of my mother's said to her when she
went to her 25th high school reunion pregnant. "If you want to get into
the Guiness Book of World Records, wouldn't you rather do it for eating
the most bananas?"
Liz Loquacious
|> ten years and I was eight months pregnant. No joke. This really happened.
|> Right after the "I hate the way you do laundry" line. I defy anybody in net
|> land to top it -- it might cheer me up. On second thought, it probably won't.
|>
Well, maybe not worse but another variation...
Seven years of marriage, one eighteen month old toddler (now 3 yrs), two weeks
into post-divorce-decision therapy, my ex comes back grinning...
You were right, I never really did love you!
Thunk.
Liz Loquacious
Andreas Tovornik
>By the way, that last line can be added to the "you know it's over when"
>list. The request to drive separate cars is one clue that the relationship
>is in a nosedive.
Yeah, and one of mine ended on the day she bought a car and got in the
driver's seat. Strange how metaphors parallel real life situations.
dreas
Scott Probst
>In article <ler6ac...@news.bbn.com>, dha...@bbn.com (Dawn Hardin) writes:
>> >
>> >I had something similar said to me after being engaged for six months,
>> >
>> > "I never loved you, I was just lonely"
>>
>>
>> You think that's bad? My ex said that to me after we had been together for
>> ten years and I was eight months pregnant. No joke. This really happened.
>> Right after the "I hate the way you do laundry" line. I defy anybody in net
>> land to top it -- it might cheer me up. On second thought, it probably won't.
>
> "I never wanted you, I only gave birth to you because I was lonely"
>
okay, then there was my friend who was told by his father:
"the best part of you ran down my leg". true.
scott
Stef Jones
> "Can we drive separately?"
>By the way, that last line can be added to the "you know it's over when"
>list. The request to drive separate cars is one clue that the relationship
>is in a nosedive.
I understand why this was true in the case you described, but in some other
cases it could save a relationship. My SO is more extroverted than I am,
and I sometimes wear out at parties faster than he does. If we have to fight
over when to leave every time we go to a party together, that might put
additional tension on the relationship. If we drive separate cars, I can
leave earlier and it's no big deal.
--
Stef Carpe diem (fish for ten cents)
st...@apple.com --Usenet Oracle
james.j.dutton
so was she butt I was buying apples and she was buying oranges then
I think its pretty obvious that we'd need differnt cars. Possibly different
modes of operation maybe even modus operandi. Now if I was wearing
burlap boxers and she had on silk panties I think we could probably share
a bus w/o to much agitation butt I wouldn't want to share a VW.
Ya know what I mean?
Dawn Hardin
>> >
>Well in the interest of one-upmanship, My mother said to me:
> "I never wanted you, I only gave birth to you because I was lonely"
>
>NOT really, But true life can't get better (or worse) than that.
I had a friend who's mother told him that he had been conceived so his
father wouldn't have to go to Vietnam, and in retrospect, she wished that
she had let him go. I also have an ex-husband who's mother told him
that having him had ruined her life because it's impossible to do or
accomplish anything once you have a baby. I'd like to kill the bitch.
park...@med.wcc.govt.nz
>In article <thurlow....@convex.convex.com> thu...@convex.com (Robert Thurlow) writes:
>>
>>> "My mom/dad/best friend/dog doesn't love you any more" :)
>>How about, "God told me you're not the right man for me."
I must confess to trying all sorts of excuse with one SO about a year ago.
The real problem was he was just plain STUPID, I'm talking about brain-dead,
knuckle-dragging ape.
I couldn't tell him that though - he might develop a real paranoia about it and
be miserable for the rest of his life because if my careless words.
I preferred to use some other excuse and I hope he finds his intellectual equal
REAL SOON (he still calls and annoys me from time to time, in between telling
my friends to tell me I'm a bitch).
Rachel "Supergoof!"
- -
O O
>
\_/
park...@med.wcc.govt.nz
>ke...@clsi.COM (Kevin Cameron) writes:
>>In article <BwKrq...@andy.bgsu.edu>, pfr...@andy.bgsu.edu (Paul M. Frazier) writes:
>>> mlb...@husc10.harvard.edu (Matthew Bruce) writes:
>>> ... she finally starts to tell you about her boyfriend
>>> in another state. If she had a boyfriend, why the zark did she go out
>>> with me?
>>She was probably looking for someone better/closer - looks like you didn't cut
>>it :-)
>I would have thought the same thing if it had happened once, but it happened
>5 times in a row with 5 different women. I assume they weren't comparing
>notes, since they didn't know each other (to my knowledge).
Sorry, but it looks like a popular excuse to me.
Try changing/wearing your deodorant :-)
i'msorryicouldn'tresist!
H. Allisson Roome
>In article <1992Oct28.1...@b8.b8.ingr.com> la...@b8.b8.ingr.com (Larry Billings) writes:
>>In article <ler6ac...@news.bbn.com>, dha...@bbn.com (Dawn Hardin) writes:
>>> >
>>Well in the interest of one-upmanship, My mother said to me:
>> "I never wanted you, I only gave birth to you because I was lonely"
>>
>>NOT really, But true life can't get better (or worse) than that.
>
>I had a friend who's mother told him that he had been conceived so his
>father wouldn't have to go to Vietnam, and in retrospect, she wished that
>she had let him go. I also have an ex-husband who's mother told him
>that having him had ruined her life because it's impossible to do or
>accomplish anything once you have a baby. I'd like to kill the bitch.
How about telling an insecure 15 year old adopted child that, "She (the
mother) wished they could take you back where they got you from" along
with other comments about being more or less not really a part of the family.
Allisson
Bruce F. Gilsen
Thank you very much, but I'd like to decide that for myself.
Bruce m1b...@fed.frb.gov
Mark
One of the toughest things about being a parent must be controlling what you
say to your kids when you are angry. Something like the above could ruin the
relationship between child and parent for a very long time.
Mark
Dawn Hardin
No shit, Mark. My ex suggested that we have a baby when I told him he
had to go out and get a job. Cause and effect? I have no idea, I can't
read his mind and his understanding of his feelings is so poor that he's
incapable of being honest about them. But it comes into my mind sometimes,
especially when she's getting up at night and I go a few nights without
sleep, that she exists because her dad wanted an easy ride for eight
more months. It scares me to think that I might tell her that in anger
some time. I have to watch my mouth and my temper for the next eighteen
years. On second thought, I don't want to kill my mother-in-law. That
kind of mistake is too easy to make.
Kevin Barnes
a
Chris Garrigues
>say to your kids when you are angry. Something like the above could ruin the
>relationship between child and parent for a very long time.
>
Actually, you can ruin the relationship by saying the wrong thing even
when you aren't angry. Case in point:
My parents divorced when I was about 9 years old. I lived with my
mother, but both parents were in the same city, so I visited my father
fairly often. I also would frequently go to him when I had problems
with my mother or step-father. At about age 13 or so, my father and I
distanced oursevles considerably and it was just a year ago (age 29)
that he and I figured out what happened.
The key incident was triggered by an argument between myself, my
mother, and my step-father. I no longer remember what the issue was
or who took which side on that issue although I suspect that it was
both of them against me. I was very upset and went to my father for
support.
When I left his house, I thought I'd been told that he didn't want me
coming to him with my problems and wasn't interested in my life. He
thought that he'd wisely chosen not to get involved with a very
complex situation in the other home and that he'd simply enflame the
situation by getting into it.
Of course 16 years later, we can't reconstruct exactly what occured,
but the important thing is the delta between what he thought
afterwards and what I thought afterwards.
He was probably right in his motivation for what he said and did, but
somehow I left his house with a very different idea of the situation
and we've spent a decade and a half fixing the problems that developed
between us at that time.
Chris
[ coop.com (which I think is what this is going out as) may not work
yet due to a typo in the domain database. If not try
chr...@ccird.uucp%balkan.tnt.com ]
Ivan Reid
I've never said the same but thought it once or twice! :-)
--
Ivan Hans Mark Reid Management Information Systems Analyst
"Information is Power ..." Spider Systems Ltd
vox: (+44 31) 554 9424 Spider Park, Stanwell St
fax: (+44 31) 554 0649 Edinburgh EH6 5NG, SCOTLAND