I'm being really... amazed.
Sarah
Some of you have been hearing this story for two years. I want to
thank you.
Here's the latest installment.
A week before Wolf was scheduled to visit the Working Lady, I was so
stressed that we started fighting.
This is an amazingly rare thing for us to do. Generally, we talk
instead when we have a problem, but this time we didn;t ever have a
pretend problem. We just lay in bed together being mean to one
another. Really politely. I don;t know if you;ve experienced anything
like this yourself, but it was new for me, and very very odd an
unpleasant.
After a while, I looked at him and said "We're fighting. We've both
had really shit days and now we're FIGHTING." By the end of the second
sentence I was sooking like a hungry, frightened baby and we'd started
really talking again.
I think I probably cried for an hour, and we talked, hugged, laughed
and cried a lot.
During some part of it I said that the idea of his touching someone
else, kissing them, being inside them, made me want to scream, and
cry, and kick things... I didn't mean to say any of that, but I said
it, and it's true.
We had a hell of a lot of talk, and we both had moments of
realisation. It was very good.
I told him, once we were calm again, that I believed he should still
go through with it, because it was important to him, and he said he
would think about it.
And we talked about it a bit, but not too much, over the week, and we
spent our week away together at the beach, and on the Wednesday he
didn;t go to visit a WL. And on the Thursday he said he didn't regret
it, and that at this point in our relationship we were monogamous, and
that we could make decisions about changing that at another time. We
just enjoyed being together. It was wonderful.
Now here's the amazed bit.
Since then, I've noticed the huge amount of baggage I have been
carrying around with me for two years, since Wolf's relationship with
Rocket (some of you know about it, some of you don;t' I will happily
blab all about it if you ask me). I've noticed it because it's
suddenly not there.
I'm flabberghasted.
Since Wolf and Rocket, my sexual desires have become very violent and
submissive. I've craved humiliation, verbal and physical. I wanted my
nipples pinched, not kissed. I wanted my face pushed into a pillow. Or
underwater. I wanted to be done roughly up the arse with no
preparation. I wanted to be choked.
Gentle lovemaking didn't work. Only nasty, dirty, mean fucking worked.
And while I've been very orgasmic, I realise now that I have spent the
last two years almost totally unaroused. I still wanted (craved,
required) frequent sex from Wolf, but I wasn't actually horny. I was
going from nothing to coming and back to nothing really ready quickly.
And it's just... gone.
It not that the idea of nasty, dirty mean sex is now unattractive to
me. It's that it feels as though it's not -necessary- now - that some
parts of it will be fun to use again, but that it's not all of what
sex has to be for me anymore.
And another thing, which makes me feel really confused. I find myself
thinking now that when/if Wolf does have another sex partner (as long
as it is within the parameters I have always asked for - purely
sexual, not romantic, as little relationship between them as possible)
that I will deal with it FAR FAR better than I would have thought
possible a month ago.
I obviously never let go of the relationship with Rocket - which did
go far outside those parameters - and I let it change my relationship,
my sexuality, my personality...
The inside of my brain is still mostly very very quiet. Thoughts
quietly bubble out of the bottom of it like gas from the bottom of a
pond when you step on it. Just sort of ..... "BLUB. Gosh, there's
another one!"
He chose me, and I healed. Or something.
I'm so totally amazed at everything.
And I am horny again, which is marvelous.
I've run out of time and thoughts right now.
But I wanted you to know where I am.
<3
Sarah_C
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toramjero
Sometimes I think that the internet is a wonderful thing. Or that
human beings are wonderful things, I don't know. Take care, and be
careful with nipples, pillows and water.
Only time will tell.
Serene Vannoy
> He chose me, and I healed. Or something.
>
> I'm so totally amazed at everything.
>
> And I am horny again, which is marvelous.
>
> I've run out of time and thoughts right now.
>
> But I wanted you to know where I am.
I confess to being a little bewildered by the turn of events, but I'm
extremely happy for you. Thanks for sharing.
Serene
--
"I am an agnostic only to the extent that I am agnostic about fairies at
the bottom of the garden." -- Richard Dawkins
Sarah
>I confess to being a little bewildered by the turn of events, but I'm
>extremely happy for you.
That sums up those of my feelings I have been able to reach as yet
quite nicely.
Thank you for replying.
Gordon
> Hi there, folk.
>
> Some of you have been hearing this story for two years. I want to
> thank you.
>
> Here's the latest installment.
So you throw us *all* in at the deep end now? May I ask why?
Sarah
Xorra
> Sarah wrote:
>
>> He chose me, and I healed. Or something.
>>
>> I'm so totally amazed at everything.
>>
>> And I am horny again, which is marvelous.
>>
>> I've run out of time and thoughts right now.
>>
>> But I wanted you to know where I am.
>
> I confess to being a little bewildered by the turn of events, but I'm
> extremely happy for you. Thanks for sharing.
Well, I'm not. And I know I'm going to anger some people, probably
including Sarah, but I feel like I need to say this....
Sarah, I get that you love Wolf and want to make him happy. But you go too
far. You go so far as to completely subjugage your needs to his desires.
And that is simply not healthy for you!
I am open to the idea that someone might be well adjusted and still enjoy
the kind of rough sex you described, but the way you talked, you were not
one of them. You started craving violence and humiliation when he started
craving other women. And when he didn't go to the WL and said that at this
point you guys were monogamous, you stopped "needing" it. You were
obviously punishing yourself. Making him do to you physically what it felt
like he was doing to you emotionally.
For his part, he's either clueless or abusive. From what you've said here,
he clearly knows that his obsession hurts you, and has chosen for all this
time to pursue it anyway. On the other hand, you haven't apparently told
him flat out that it really makes you sick and insecure and you don't want
him to do it. So maybe he's both insensitive and clueless.
But now you are soooo happy. He didn't go through with it! He said he'd be
monogamous!!! Well, for now anyway.... But maybe he didn't go through with
it for himself. Maybe the idea of being with a prostitute was more than he
could handle. From what you said before, he'd have gone through with it
with the girl from the party, or the woman he was texting. Maybe his
fantasy isn't just sex, but sex and emotion too.
The fact of the matter is that trying to accomodate his wishes has caused
you pain and torment for two years now, or more. Sarah, you need to tell
him that you have done everything you can to be "okay" with his desire, but
that you cannot do it, and it's likely that you will never be okay with it!
For God's sake woman! You have been killing yourself over this!
And you know? I know this group values openess and honesty above all, but
this is a case for a clandestine fling if I ever saw one. If he could have
his little fling, and you didn't have to go through the torment, everyone
would be happy.
toramjero
> Serene Vannoy wrote:
> > Sarah wrote:
>
> >> He chose me, and I healed. Or something.
>
> >> I'm so totally amazed at everything.
>
> >> And I am horny again, which is marvelous.
>
> >> I've run out of time and thoughts right now.
>
> >> But I wanted you to know where I am.
>
> > I confess to being a little bewildered by the turn of events, but I'm
> > extremely happy for you. Thanks for sharing.
>
> Well, I'm not. And I know I'm going to anger some people, probably
> including Sarah, but I feel like I need to say this....
>
> Sarah, I get that you love Wolf and want to make him happy. But you go too
> far. You go so far as to completely subjugage your needs to his desires.
> And that is simply not healthy for you!
>
> I am open to the idea that someone might be well adjusted and still enjoy
> the kind of rough sex you described, but the way you talked, you were not
> one of them. You started craving violence and humiliation when he started
> craving other women. And when he didn't go to the WL and said that at this
> point you guys were monogamous, you stopped "needing" it. You were
> obviously punishing yourself. Making him do to you physically what it felt
> like he was doing to you emotionally.
>
> For his part, he's either clueless or abusive.
But we don't have enough information to find out. You should not
forget that Wolf has *no* experience with other women, so Sarah's
behaviour may seem normal to him. As you may know, I am in the same
situation as Wolf. If my wife would have craved abuse (which is not
something I enjoy, BTW), I would have assumed that it was just her.
The only thing that is clear is that Sarah is scared silly that she
might lose Wolf. Everything points in that direction. Now, fear makes
people do very undesirable things, and that is a problem in a
relationship. The main problem here being that Sarah is trying to
control Wolf (understandably) (*), which will have the opposite effect
to what is intended. I don't like talking about my wife on a public
forum she does not use, but we had a rather similar problem (albeit
less intense). And yes, it did bring lots of undesirable consequences.
I strongly suggest to Sarah to seek professional help. It is the best
course of action (and yes, I talk from experience). Depending on her
needs, a doctor could try to have her realise what the source of her
fears are, may arrange a solution acceptable to both parties (I read a
book where one of the examples was exactly the same situation, I
suppose it is rather common), or may use anxiolitics (which were
instrumental in helping my wife realise her problem was fear). A
newsgroup is not a substitute for professional help. I would even say
that what Sarah tries to do here is imprudent.
> From what you've said here,
> he clearly knows that his obsession hurts you, and has chosen for all this
> time to pursue it anyway. On the other hand, you haven't apparently told
> him flat out that it really makes you sick and insecure and you don't want
> him to do it. So maybe he's both insensitive and clueless.
>
> But now you are soooo happy. He didn't go through with it! He said he'd be
> monogamous!!! Well, for now anyway.... But maybe he didn't go through with
> it for himself. Maybe the idea of being with a prostitute was more than he
> could handle. From what you said before, he'd have gone through with it
> with the girl from the party, or the woman he was texting. Maybe his
> fantasy isn't just sex, but sex and emotion too.
>
> The fact of the matter is that trying to accomodate his wishes has caused
> you pain and torment for two years now, or more. Sarah, you need to tell
> him that you have done everything you can to be "okay" with his desire, but
> that you cannot do it, and it's likely that you will never be okay with it!
> For God's sake woman! You have been killing yourself over this!
>
> And you know? I know this group values openess and honesty above all, but
> this is a case for a clandestine fling if I ever saw one. If he could have
> his little fling, and you didn't have to go through the torment, everyone
> would be happy.
(*) I don't think that Sarah's policy of "no secret - no lies" is
entirely innocent.