thank you very much for your words of advice, vallor. i'm just don't think i can do it much anymore. i've lost all hope. he never comes, and always gives me the run around, and keeps leading me on, like i'm a donkey following a carrot. it's bullsh*t. my teacher said there is a connection with kabbalah and schizophrenia. i think it's all a trick. i know i'm not hallucinating or whatnot.
it's causing me such heartache and turmoil, seething rage, etc...
i can't tell ANYBODY what is going on, and i imagine trying to talk to someone, and i want to fucking tear out my hair, b/c i'll just get disbelief again, it's like i'm being used, and trying to tell ME i'm delusional. nobody in my physical life (not including cyber) believes it. it makes me want to kill myself. it's a terribly cruel, inhumane thing to do to a human being.