Ready to Die
Bob Culmer
>
> I understand somewhat the idea of being ready to die. I
> don't want my friend to suffer, particularly with no real prospect
> of getting better.
Perhaps it will help to keep the idea in mind that it is the end of
suffering without prospect of improvement, as you said above. But
also, we all die, and even after a long life people only seem "ready
to die" when the pain or struggle to go on is too great and the
prospects of improvement too remote. This in no way makes the death
less important or painful or tragic; but if he has reached a point
where HE feels that way, that has to be the best he can have at this
point - it must feel better than dying before one feels ready. That
has been what my friends (now departed) have told me.
> down. I also have powerful ambivalence about the suggestion a friend
> made that I should go for a visit soon -- this weekend if I can. I
> feel like it would be almost a hollow gesture, since he'd probably only
> have the energy to see me for a couple of minutes, we wouldn't be able
> to say anything meaninful -- just small talk, it would be depressing
> for me, and it might not make him feel any better. It's not as though
> he has no visitors: he has quite a few friends, deaf and hearing, gay
> and non-gay, and his family is very supportive. At some level I feel
> like I ought to make the gesture just because it might make him feel
> better and because I might regret NOT doing it, but on other levels I
> feel like, why depress myself for no good reason?
>
My first AIDS death was a long time friend who was in much the same
position. Many of our visits were just small talk, and he had
supportive family and other friends who came. I thought I might just
be tiring him out needlessly. Then one visit we were sharing an odd
moment of humor about some story in the news, and he said "Of all the
people who come to visit, you're the only one who makes me laugh.
Thanks, I needed that" Don't underestimate the value of the small
things that might be big things to your friend. Then there is the
matter of how you will feel. The depression of seeing my friend so
weak, so sick was "nothing" compared to the guilt and "conflicted
grief" I see in his friends who did not come to visit.
> I guess, getting back a bit to the issue of closure, I do feel like
> there are things I want to say that are as yet unsaid, but I don't know
> that I think I'll have any opportunity to say them. I want to tell him
> that I will miss him and that I am glad I know him and that I care about
> him, but that I understand that he may really be ready to die and I want
> him to decide on what's best for him, not to stay alive in agony just
> because other people will be grieved by his death.
>
Carl and I had an almost identical conversation about not staying past
when he was ready for the sake of others. The closure helped
immeasurably with my own grief, see above "conflicted grief".
I must also tell you that even if he cannot answer you at length, even
if he appears unconscious for most of your visit - there is still
value in being there. The gentle touch of a hand has eased much pain
in my experience.
> But how can I say that? It seems cliched and a little morbid to say
> it in so many words,
>
How about just as you did? It didn't seem cold to me, and not nearly
so as the omission of saying anything might seem.
--
Bob Culmer - Dallas | "Hearts will never be practical until
Somewhere over the rainbow | they can be made unbreakable." - Wizard
...in the Land of OZ | "But I still want one." - Tin Man
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