Here's the fruitbat-codes
Doug Sewell
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: And now further inanity.. The 'BatCode
Message-ID: <sent?Sun?Oct??7?17:51:34?GMT?1990?via?CS.TARDIS>
Date: 7 Oct 90 17:51:34 GMT
Sender: ne...@pyra.co.uk (News system)
Lines: 225
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The 'BatCode (Version 1.01) (c) Fruitbat (publicity) Inc. 1990
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Everybody knows about fruitbats. Those charming little creatures with
their soft fur, big dicks and hyperglycemia. Beloved by many, made
sticky by many, and annoying to many. Now, from the humble auspices of
The Fruitbats Bedroom (0.75 of a double bed, 1 inflatable bat, three
cups of cold tea), we bring you the 'BatCode. Just when you thought it
was safe to go back to Smurf City.
The Code is split into two sections. The first defines the amount of
fruitbat that an individual possesses, the second provides a few
refinements for fine tuning.
======================================================================
Fruitbat Rating. F0 is the least batlike, F9 the most.
0 - (Heterosexual). No self respecting fruitbat would admit to
having any truck with heterosexuals. Heterosexuals are all
nasty vicious screwed-up creatures that should be sent to
Basingstoke. An F0 rating is usually given to somebody by
an e++ (q.v.) fruitbat.
1 - (Ooman). Oomans are those curious people who live in
suburban housing estates, think that money is important,
and only have fun on alternate thursdays. Fruitbats find
oomans very silly, and stick their tongues out at them
when nobody is looking.
2 - (Politician/TV announcer). Anything as ludicrous as a
politician or TV announcer gets some approval. They are a
great source of entertainment to other fruitbats.
3 - (More mince than sainsburys). There is a definite wrist
action problem with fruitbats that make stir-frying an
arduous task. Ever had a funny turn because you just
*can't* find the Cayenne Pepper and this dish will be
*ruined* without it? Definite fruitbat leanings there.
4 - (Smurf). Anything as *cutely* *silly* as a *smurf* is
definitely fruitbat like. Smurf ideals are very dear to
fruitbats who want to stamp out seriousness. It is
rumoured that mating to produce a FruitSmurf or a SmurfBat
is not out of the question.
5 - (Wannabat). Wanders around, meeping and tries to look
studly. Batwings and a sock down the 501's isn't enough,
however. Imposters will be Found Out and not given any
mango for dinner. Brownie points for effort, though.
6 - (Batlet). A fruitbat in training. It may need to do dick
elongation exercises and practice winding itself up in the
duvet, but its well on the way.
7 - (Meepy Fruitbat). Cute, furry (or not). It's very
difficult to accurately define a fruitbat. If it meeps,
grins a lot and is prone to chocolate attacks in
supermarkets, then it's probably a fruitbat.
8 - (Fruitbat With Additions). Fruitbats never suffer from
delusions of modesty. They do, however, suffer all kinds
of other delusions. These fruitbats are more deluded than
most, but as is the nature of fruitbats, they're probably
justified.
9 - (Supreme High Queen Fruitbat). You'll only ever meet one
Supreme High Queen Fruitbat. They are very jealous
creatures, and will not tolerate attempts to usurp them
from their position. Be careful, these fruitbats are
*dangerous*.
====================================================================
Extended classifiers. Some of the things you just need to know.
d - Dick size. Possibly the most important thing to a
fruitbat, although they will never admit to being a Size
Queen.
d Meets BSO (bat standards organisation)
requirements for fruitbat dick size. May perform
tonsilectomy.
d+ Unaerodynamic. Falls out of trees when attempting
to fly.
d++ No quibbles about half inches here.. Pass the
metre rule.
d- Not exactly awe-inspiring, but fruitbats do have
high standards.
d-- Time for some inventive tricks with prosthetics.
d/ Dick of infinite extent. Lady fruitbats only.
m - Meeping. Yes, they do this a lot. This catagory denotes a
whole range of silly noises that aren't for the boring or
faint hearted.
m Trainee/wannabe meeper. More as a way to attract
other fruitbats than a way of life.
m+ Proficient meeping. At least 120 meeps a minute.
m++ Meeping continuously. A sign of severe fruitbat
tendencies / amorous intent towards a fruitbat.
m- Attempts to meep, but can't manage much more than
"skirting board".
m-- Vehement anti-meeping. Easily annoyed by m++ who
take great fun in doing so.
b - Affinity with mars Bars. Every fruitbat has a sweet tooth
to match their sweet nature. American cousin fruitbats
have to make do with milky ways.
b Doesn't have much preference for chocolate, but
eats it anyway.
b+ Eats the occasional mars bar / quite happy to
share one, particularly pre-chewed.
b++ Eats mars bars continually and knows the complete
genealogy of the Mars/m&m corporation worldwide.
b- Eats snickers.
b-- Runs away whenever a mars bar wrapper rustles.
r - Reluctance. All fruitbats exhibit reluctance to do things.
Getting a fruitbat out of bed is quite a feat.
r Grumpy in the mornings, but has time to dress,
wash and have sex before arriving on time to work.
r+ Can generally be seen running down the street
eating a breakfast mars bar as the bus whistles
past.
r++ Has flu / dickache / got fired yesterday. You get
the picture. Womanly wiles and complete
fabrication keep this fruitbat snoring in bed.
r- Doesn't need ten cups of coffee to get through the
morning.
r-- 6am jogger / computer programmer returning from a
late night sessions email.
s - Sluttiness. Fruitbats are particularly debauched. After a
week long relationship, they have a 50 year wedding
anniversary.
s Quite quiet and shy, doesn't get up to very much.
s+ Interested in playing about, but only with d+(+)..
s++ Meep, slurp, splut. Next...
s- Sex only at weekends or has a committed
relationship.
s-- Celibate / Only masturbation is good enough.
e - exaggeration. When it comes to historical accuracy, morals
go out of the window. No story would be complete without
completely overdoing it.
e Life is so exciting, there's no need to embroider
it. This is only usually claimed by those who are
e++.
e+ Needs lessons in the difference between inches and
centimetres.
e++ There's no such thing as a line between reality
and imagination here. Live the myth.
e- Coy and unassuming, but everybody knows who you
were having it off with last night, so just smirk.
e-- Not capable of exaggerating due to little or no
imagination. Gives life story with no sordid
details - there just aren't any.
h - Humo(u)r. Alas, there's little enough humour in this
world. Fruitbats dispense it with gay abandon in much the
same way as care bears dispense hallucinogens.
h Finds things funny, but is content with a
suppressed giggle when nobody is looking.
h+ Can be silly, but may act serious for job/ulcer
reasons.
h++ Only ever serious at their own funeral. Don't
expect sense from this one.
h- Has "individual" wit (that nobody else finds
funny).
h-- Mention humour, and you'll get a glacial smile and
a request for a dictionary.
c - Cuteness. Fruitbats aren't just cute, they know that
they're cute, and use this to unfair advantage.
c Cute enough to want to stick your tongue into, but
not cute enough to give up your day job for.
c+ Please leave your telephone number and dick size
after the tone. We'll get back to you.
c++ Sickeningly cute. The twink that comes in your
mouth and not in your hand. Pass the sickbag, but
can you resist it?
c- Cute in an individualistic sort of way. If you
like penises with a right angled bend, then this
one is for you. No money back on this one.
c-- Definitely not cute. Pass the sickbag again, but
this time as a cover.
f - Followers. No fruitbat would be complete without a horde
of screaming admirers. One of the down sides of
fruitbatness this, but at least it lets you be choosy.
f Only one follower, and you've been married to it
for fifteen years, no doubt. Very sweet in a staid
sort of way.
f+ Maybe not a horde, but you've got your next ten
lovers planned out.
f++ The beatles had nothing on this. Time to hire a
minder and somebody to answer the phone.
f- Lots of friends, but they don't seem to fall into
bed like cockroaches from the ceiling.
f-- Bubonic was it, Sir? Out through the door, gas
chamber on the right.
====================================================================
And not wishing to be *too* bitchy, I'll keep my list of 'batcodes to
myself <grin>.
But mine are ... F9 d+ b++ m++ r++ s- e++ h++ c++ f++
Hugs and not too serious meeps,
Fruitbat.
*** Please *DON'T* reply by email to this article - I can't read it.
***
Michael Portuesi
Funny enough, the fruitbat-codes work exceptionally well
for describing Toons too.
m.
--
Michael Portuesi Silicon Graphics, Inc. port...@sgi.com
fruitbat: F7 d+ m++ b- r+ s++ e- h+ c+ f PIG7/5