Brother-"Sister" Relationships in Nepal
sall...@my-deja.com
I am a Western woman married to a Nepali man. I would like some
advice about relationships between Nepali men and their female
friends. My husband has been receiving very loving e-mails from a
girl he grew up with from his village. She uses phrases like "sweet
kisses", "warm hugs", "sweet remember" and signs herself as "your heart
beat" etc etc. She also signs her initials with my husband's at the
bottom of the e-mails. When I first saw these e-mails it shook me,
and I immediately began to think that my husband was in love with
someone else. But he says it's normal and there's nothing wrong with
it. Is she trying to make trouble, or is this really how brother-
"sister" relationships are in Nepal? She also sends him letters with
heart stickers all over them, pointing them out (rather unnecessarily)
in English as "heart stickers". I have spoken about this to my
English friends, and they are also shocked, but I am willing to keep an
open mind. I would like some advice from Nepalis please!
Sally
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Share what you know. Learn what you don't.
ashu...@post.harvard.edu
"didi" or "bahini" (sister) all the time.
In a restaurant in Nepal, for example, it's perfectly OK to say
to your waiter: "Yay, bhai, euta beer lyau ta" (Translation: "Hey,
brother, fetch me a beer" even though you and your waiter both know
that he is no brother of yours. These greetings exist as
social lubricants -- and that's all.)
So, in this sense, your husband is culturally justified in calling
her his "sister" -- not his real sister, of course, but just a
"sister" in some vague sense. That vague sense of "sister" covers
the spectrum ranging from her ending up as your husband's
lover ("premika") to her ending up as your husband's just platonic
female friend to her ending up as your husband's unrelated sister who
may even even do "bhai tika" or perform "raakhi" to her 'adopted', as it
were, brother (i.e. your husband).
But in this case, the lady's actions, well, tell a different story.
It's obvious that she's quite, as the British say, besotted with your
husband, and it's quite possible that your husband, assuming he's
a faithful guy, does not know how to handle this new-found attention
from afar.
Your husband may simply be amusing himself through her actions and
thus welcoming contacts with her as a mere epistolary diversion.
My advice [and take this with a grain of salt for I am no
relationship expert :-): Work on your marriage by every means
necessary. Be concerned about this 'sister thing', but at the same time
don't worry too much about someone who's half the
planet away.
Hope this helps.
oohi
ashu
NOT a marriage counselor nor a relationship expert, though I've
played one in some friends' lives with mixed success. :-)
In article <7ruoth$6c0$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>,
sud...@hotmail.com
completely with the response of Ashutosh. He seems to be of more optimistic
about things. Let me get things straight. It is rather unusual, and most
unlikely for any Neplaese girls to call sweet names and give hugs and
kisses and show such kind of strong emotional expression which gives some
sort of indication of fantasy. Who ever you are Sally, here is my sincere
opinion. Nepalese girls are the next conservative girls to Muslim girls. It
is not usual for any girl to call some one who is friend with such names.
You say that the girl is from village. Well...that really tells the story.
There is a lot of time gap between the city and villages. One would expect
the girls from villages to be really conservative and not open minded to
counter sex. You have the every right to suspect if your relation is going
well. If your husband tells that this sort of thing is common in Nepal, he
is definately lying you. I am just writing you to let you know the truth. I
just hope your married life goes well...:)
S. M. Sainju
Sweet Kisses .. and .yada yada yada.. are all total padantic rubbish (in
your case) and it in no way justifies just a relationship between a brother
and a sister. I can sense that it is a total flirt. Like Autosh said, we
have a very unique culture. You can call a total stranger a brother and vice
versa and this is merely a way of dealing with people. I totally agree with
sudeep. Keep also in mind that we also have a tradition of calling each
other brother and sister even when we have some good feelings (love ) for
each other. A young man flirts with a young woman and vice versa and they
still call each other brother and sister. In good old days, we used to have
"RODI" where so called brothers and sisters used to go and sing and dance
and even get married.
I don't know how severe your situtation is but you should not be just
accepting it or be reluctant in rebuking him.Talk it over with him
seriously. if he cares about you and married life, he would listen to you
and understand your feelings. i wish you all the best.
s. m. sainju
(virginia)
sall...@my-deja.com wrote in message <7ruoth$6c0$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>...
Ang Pasang Sherpa
SanICL
Nerapa
>>advice about relationships between Nepali men and their female
If your husband's letter is full of love words then she is not definetly his
sister.
aw...@my-deja.com
cc1.aol.com>,
san...@aol.com (SanICL) wrote:
> S.M. Sainju is right..... brother-sister
relationship is just a hoax.. hehehehh
>
I SECOND YOUR STATEMENT
aw...@my-deja.com
sall...@my-deja.com
I would like to thank you all for your advice and suggestions. Most
of it was very helpful.
After much prompting from me, my husband contacted his sister to clear
up this matter. Apparently she herself knows very little English and
was getting some assistance from a fellow student from her English
school. This guy thought it would be amusing to stir up trouble by
writing these things. Well I truly believe in karma....
He has obviously been watching too many Hindi films!
Sally
Shikharni
predicament? please clarify.
christian carpenter
Ang Pasang Sherpa
I am not making light of her predicament, insted giving her a hint that
there
should be something more than a brother and sister relation.
Sorry for beeing vague.
Shikharni wrote in message <19990922170723...@ng-fl1.aol.com>...
anonymous
I truly hope that this is the case. However, it still seems somewhat
fishy. Regardless of her english skill, heart shapes stickers denote
romance even in Nepal. The same goes for signing her initials next to
your husbands.
I'm not suggesting you be mistrustfull, but do be wise about this
situation. As a Nepali woman who has been in the west for some time, I
have seen many western women naively beleive things they should not
about Nepalis and Nepal. We are an honorable people, but the flaws of
human nature appear in all cultures.
Antu Didi
sall...@my-deja.com
Thank you for your comments. I have to say that the heart stickers on
the letter this sister sent still do trouble me slightly, and it is
nice to have someone support my thinking, so that I know I am not being
totally neurotic. I would like to add that I am sure my husband loves
me. Firstly, this sister of his is his "meet" sister - from what I
understand, this means that my husband's father and the sister's father
pledged a special bond of friendship, but I am not entirely sure of the
implications this has for the relationship between a "meet" brother and
sister. If someone could clarify this "meet" relationship for me, I
would be most grateful.
Secondly, I know my husband can be a real charmer, and as most men do,
especially young ones, likes the attention from other girls, because it
boosts his ego. I have seen this behaviour, and while it bothered me
at first, it doesn't now, because he is the same with everyone - ie not
one girl is singled out for this special treatment. But I know that
some girls may be more susceptible to his manner, and may take things
the wrong way, believing that my husband has emotions for them that he
doesn't. I am not so old as to forget how vunerable one can be as a
young girl to a man's charming manner.
Thirdly, this meet sister has a husband (whom my husband apparently
knows) and a young daughter. Her husband, like a lot of Nepali
husbands seem to, works abroad.
Lastly, I would like to know if "jiban sathi" can simply mean "life
friend" or does it always imply a romantic relationship, in which case
I think this girl is seriously deluded.
Any comments appreciated!
Sally
In article <37EAC69E...@110.net>,
anonymous <rajm...@110.net> wrote:
>
> I truly hope that this is the case. However, it still seems somewhat
> fishy. Regardless of her english skill, heart shapes stickers denote
> romance even in Nepal. The same goes for signing her initials next to
> your husbands.
>
> I'm not suggesting you be mistrustfull, but do be wise about this
> situation. As a Nepali woman who has been in the west for some time, I
> have seen many western women naively beleive things they should not
> about Nepalis and Nepal. We are an honorable people, but the flaws of
> human nature appear in all cultures.
> Antu Didi
>
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Nerapa
>would be most grateful.
>
Hey Sally, wake up and smell the coffee, don't you get it your husband is
cheating on you. It is the way Nepali husbands are they shows a lot of love and
confuse their wifes.
GP
teenage to help their mother do house work. The boys
when finish schooling, SLC exam, leave village and
illeterate teenaged wife. Enjoy nice life in KTM
and abroad, while the wife is in hell (for a young
wife in Nepal under mother-in-law's rules and
regulations, I guess, its a hell especially when
husband is away). Such husbands when they find
nice western styled girls in KTM and abroad, start
telling their friends they are alone: SINGLE and
never married before. Remember in villages there
is no marriage registration system/practice.
So, the husband will marry second well educated,
and lavish wife either in Nepal or abroad wherever
he gets chances. My university room partner
never told me that he was married, and he used
to try to find nice girls^girlfriend, in his
20s pretending as if single. After returning to
Nepal, peoples came to know that he was married
with kids. There are many examples you can find.
Polygamy is not problem to Nepalis, and wife
hardly restrain in case husband finds another
wife. Therefore, many well educated, but, married
in village at their teenage have married second
wife in KTM, and are living lavish life while
leaving first wife as assistant to their mother.
I have even heard a case, a guy asked
his Hali (plough-man) to enter his wife's room
and rape her and called Panchas to declare
she is no more the wife of former husband. Thus,
the husband got rid of illeterate wife, and she
went to hell, and he got married with another girl
, daughter of Secretary of a Ministry. Believe it.
The guy was graduated from an American University.
Similarly, there are many guys who left their kids
and wife in hell (under mother0in-law's rule) and
now live in USA. If you want there can be many
exampls I can give you. They tell American wife,
they single and ...blah blah.... and finally settle
in USA. So, I am wondering whether the girl is
his wife married in village and now they have made
a treaty (understanding) to exchange messages as
the way you witnessed. It might be a chance. So,
check where your husband was in his teenage life and
his home-----mother-and-surrondings....
I am sorry for making you more confused. But, you should
not be worried the way Mishra jee suggests. Even if he
was married before, she is no threat to you. She might
be putting his photograph and praying him as god living
in USA. Probably, you can help her (if the case is
true), by some means, and you can have good relation:
friendly, thought she is SOUTA and is supposed to
have throat cutting war if lived together. She have no
other option than to spend whole life waiting the
husband to meet after her death and she is probably
thinking her PREVIOUS LIFE was bad and she is getting
the punishment of that bad work...... blah blah.....
Keep on watching your husband's movements and you
can confirm whether the stories mentioned above
applies in Nepal and ... to him too (indirectly:spy).
Hawa nachali pat chaldaina.
GP
--
"If you can't return a favor, pass it on." - A.
L. Brown
sud...@hotmail.com
Initially, I thought it was a bit mischief on the part of your husband. But
I can't decline that now you are being bit fussy while having trust in
your husband. To put it straight, I think you are blowing things out of
proportion and just getting some sort of scandal out here in this society
page (same as your husband is doing to you in real life). I dont mean to be
harsh....but sure the best person would be your husband to talk to. If you
just go on listening to all the thoughts of ppl here, I'm sure you will go
crazy. Sit with your husband and have a good chat. Obviously, to get along a
married life well you got to sit down and talk seriously. Still I don't see
what this heck is gonna effect you and your husband so far away from the
so called "priyasi" your husband seem to have. I had a belief that western
girls were much more frank and treated these things as petty. If I have a
complete belief that my wife is being faithful to me, I wont mind if some
one does that to my wife (when I have one ofcourse). So why this crap thing
is bothering you?? Just relax and dont get too tense...cheers :)