The Yiddishkeit Code [Humor]
rkaiser1
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*The Yiddishkeit Code* Version 9/15/99
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by Robert D. Kaiser kai...@biosys.net
(Formerly known as "The Hebrew Geek Code")
Communicate volumes of information about yourself with just a
few letters! Give information to those in the know! Don't limit
yourself to one word descriptions like 'Reform' or 'Orthodox'. Create
your own Yiddishkeit code - it will really tell people who and what
you are all about. Just place your own code in your .sig file, and
it can then appear on all your e-mail messages.
Permission is granted to forward this document as long as credit
is given. E-mail me any additions that you think would be good. They
might end up in the next version. Here is an example Yiddishkeit Code,
which would be typically located in one's email signature file:
S+ Fa1 TM ng+ M K+ T tL AT++ SY+=/SY+++ Te+ SC P+ FO++= D+
Tz++ L- Am JE++
The above code translates to:
S+ Shabbat: Conservative, will drive to shul
Fa1 Family: Not married - Single
TM Taharat Mishpacha: Lenient observance. Abstain while
the women is niddah, but don't follow Talmudic chumrot
of waiting an extra week.
Ng+ Conservative N'giah -- only touch a consenting partner
I love and plan to marry.
M Messiah: Could be real!
K+ Kashrut: Conservative. Kashrut fully observed. Two sets
of dishes, etc.
T Talmud: Studied in Hebrew school / Hebrew High School
tL Tribe: Levi
AT++ Attendance: I go regularly on most Shabbats.
SY+ Synagogue: Conservative (egalitarian)
Te+ Tefillin: Sure, sometimes. Irregularly.
SC Shabbat Candles: Been there, done that.
P+ Pesach: Even the pet eats tuna and matzah-brei for a week
FO++ Festival Observance: Full Observance - Conservative
D+ I also know the Sh'ma and Kaddish by heart, and can
somehow make it through most of the rest.
Tz++ Tzedakah: Repeat donor to UJA, JNF, or SPCA
L- Lashon Hara: I never speak Lashon Hora, but I'll tell you
someone who does!
JE++ Jewish day school/Yeshiva , up to Bar/Bat mitzvah.
As you can see, in just a line or two of the Yiddishkeit Code, you
can say quite a lot about yourself.
This code is in many ways similar to Robert Hayden's "Geek Code", but it
is in no way related. They are separate works. For more information on the
Geek Code, see: http://www.geekcode.com/
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Qualifiers: A&B Means A and B
A/B Means ranging from A to B
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Shabbat Observance
S--- I stone Jews who are walking to shul on Shabbat
S-- I observe the Sabbath...every Sunday!
S- Shabbat - What's that?
S Reform
S+ Most Conservative, will drive to shul
S++ Some Conservative, Orthodox. No driving on Shabbat
S+++ I stone cars on Shabbat
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Shabbat Candles
SC- I don't use matches. Only you can prevent forest fires.
SC Been there, done that. On occasion.
SC+ Every Shabbat.
SC:( I blow them out afterwards so that they last longer.
SC++ I have been arrested for arson.
SC+++ I have been convicted for arson.
Add a 'W' for "My wife does that". Example: SCW+
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Mishpacha (Family status)
Fa- Intermarried - the children won't be raised Jewish.
Fa Intermarried - but the children will be raised Jewish.
Fa1 Not married . Can be modified with ,l or , nl
,l ...but still looking!
,nl ...and not looking.
Fa+ I married a Jew.
Fa++ I have more than one wife.
Only applicable for Yemenite Jews. Sorry :)
Fa++rc I have more than one husband. Only applicable
for Yemenite Reconstructionists. :)
Add a modifier to tell us how many children you have ,c=#
The # represents the number of children. Default = 0.
Examples: Fa1 Fa+ Fa+,c=1 Fa++,c=5
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Taharot Mishpacha (Laws and customs pertaining to Family Purity,
i.e. sexual relations, the mikva, etc.)
TM--- I married a sheep, so this doesn't apply.
TM-- I married a non-Jew, so this doesn't apply.
TM- I married a Jew, and these laws don't apply anymore.
(Apparently the standard American practice)
TM... I really would, but my spouse isn't into it.
TM Conservative observance. Abstain during period of
niddah, plus one day - but don't wait an extra week.
TM+ Orthodox / Traditional Conservative observance.
TM++ My wife and I have separate houses
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N'giah (Laws regarding touching a member of the opposite sex )
Ng--- I touch a member of the opposite sex as much as
possible. Yeee-haaa!.
Ng:( I try to observe it as much as possible, but I'm in
the same cell as the arsonist. (see the Shabbat
candles category).
Ng- I am Shomer N'giah, but not by choice. :(
Ng Liberal N'giah -- only touch a consenting partner
Ng+ Traditional N'giah -- only touch a consenting partner
I love and plan to marry. Also: NYC Modern Orthodox
N'giah: Pre-martial sex, but only when no one knows
about it. Bring those tefillin on a date.... ;)
Ng++ Orthodox N'giah -- Only touch my spouse.
Ng+++ I plan to have children by artificial inseminantion.
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Moshiach [Jews traditionally believe that there will be a messiah
(moshiach), who will be a normal human, unlike the Chrisitian concept,
and bring in a messianic era for humanity.]
M--- *ding dong*. Want a copy of Watchtower magazine?
M-- He's already come. Haven't you heard the Good Word?
M- Don't believe in it.
M Could be
M+ Ani ma'ammim (I believe with perfect faith)
M++ We want Moshiach now!
M+++ Shabbatai Tzvi is Moshiach.
M++++ I am Moshiach.
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Kashrut (Laws pertaining to what food Jews can eat.)
K-- I only eat at McDonald's. Also: What's kashrut?
K- Jewish in identity, not in practice. Likely to eat ham
and cheese, but will say a bracha afterwards
Kv- Keeping kosher solely by viture of the fact that I'm a
vegetarian.
Kv+ I'm a vegetaraian, and I like the fact that this means
my kitchen is kosher. :)
K Liberal kosher. Won't eat meat of any Torah forbidden species,
won't mix milk and meat. Will eat eat meat of a permitted
animal, even it not properly slaughtered.
K+ Conservative. Kashrut fully observed. Two sets of
dishes, etc. Add appropriate strictures as necessary.
If no codes are added, lenient options are default for K+
K++ Orthodox kashrut. Same as Conservative, but unless codes
are added, the stricter options are assumed for K++
K+++ Meshugge kosher. Even my vegetables are glatt!
ch+ Will only eat Kosher cheese.
ch Will eat cheese without a hechsher.
me+ Will only eat Glatt meat.
me Glatt not necessary.
mi+ Will only drink Chalav Yisrael milk.
mi Will drink regular FDA approved milk.
ge+ Won't eat gelatin, diglycerides, etc. unless
with an Orthodox hechsher.
ge Will eat gelatin, diglycerides, etc.
Considered pareve.
wi+ Will only drink kosher wine.
wi Will drink without a hechsher.
Examples: K+ K++ K++,mi k+,ch+
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Ivrit (Hebrew)
H-- Is 'Jewish' a language?
H- Can't speak a word of it.
H I went to Hebrew school. Shalom!
H+ I even took it in college.
H++ I'm not made fun of too badly by Israelis.
H+++ Ani midaber Ivrit tov me'od, nu?
Substitute Yid for H to denote Yiddish familiarity.
Substitue Lad for H to denote Ladino familiarity.
Substitute Ara for H to denote Aramaic familiarity.
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Tribe [All Jews are descended from one of the original twelve tribes,
except for converts and their descendents.]
tI Israel
tL Levi
tC Cohen
tCG Next in line to be the Cohen Gadol
t? Not sure (be real - this is a lot of us!)
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Attendance at Shul (Synagogue)
AT-- Religion is for dweebs!
AT- Only for other people's weddings and bar/bat mitzvahs.
AT Regularly - Well, every Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur,
and I also had a Bar/Bat Mitzvah!
AT+ High holidays, Shalosh Regalim (Three festivals), and
occasional Shabbats.
AT++ I go regularly on most Shabbats.
AT+++ I even daven at shul on weekdays.
AT++++ The Rabbi wants to institute a restraining order
to keep me away!
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What type of shul do I got to?
SY--- First Church of Cthulhu, Friends of the Elder Gods, etc.
SY-- Jesus loves me, yes he does...
SY- Allah'hu Akbar!
-SY I don't go to shul
SYrc Reconstructionist
SY Reform
SY+ Conservative (egalitarian)
SY++ Non-egal Conservative or Union for Traditional Judaism
SY+++ Orthodox
SY+++M Modern/Centrist Orthodox
SY+++Y Yeshivish, Litvak, right wing, Agudath Yisroel
SY+++C Chassidic
You can add the appropriate Nusach code shown in the next section.
If you don't put a code after the shul type, the default assumption
is Ashkenazi.
You can add ",ch" to any of the above codes to indicate that you go to
a chavura instead of a shul or synagogue. Example: SY+,ch
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Nusach (liturgical and legal tradition)
A Ashkenazic (East European, German, Russian). The most common
nusach in North America. Conservative and Reform customs and
liturgies are based on this.
SE Sephardic (European)
S Sephardic (North African & Middle Eastern)
HA Nusach HaAri. Also called Nusach Sepharad. A Chassidic
nusach, developed from Ashkenazic and Sephardic traditions
with Kabbalistic innovations.)
Y Yemenite. Similar to middle-eastern Separdic, but with its
own unique variations.
SI B'nai Yisrael / Indian Jews
ET Beta Yisrael / Ethiopian Jews
Examples: SY+ SY+++,S SY++,A SY+++,HA
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Tefillin (Phylacteries) [Leather boxes with long leather straps
that contain biblical excerpts; Worn during morning prayers.]
Te- What's that? Are they good to eat?
Te I don't wear animal products, dude.
Te+ Sure, sometimes. Irregularly.
Te++ Every day, or almost every day. I'm so frum! :)
Te+++ The doctors say if I don't taken them off soon,
they'll have to amputate.
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Pesach (Passover)
P--- Happy Easter!
P-- Mohammed says to celebrate Moses's birthday !
P- I refrain from bacon double cheeseburgers on Pesach.
No bread at all! My parents are sooo proud!
P Yeah, I think I follow most of the rules. Mostly.
PC Everything except for the part about "Pour out thy wrath"
P+ Normative Orthodox/Conservative/Traditional observance.
P++ Even the pet eats tuna and matzah-brei for a week!
I start cleaning right after Hanukkah !
P+++ Blowtorch the kitchen, buy new dishes every Spring
P++++ Blowtorch the house, move every Spring. This relates to
the arson category of Shabbos candles. :)
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Festival Observance:
FO---- Sacrifices to Cthulhu, Nylarthotep, any Elder Gods, etc.
FO--- Christmas Tree and Easter Eggs
FO-- Chanukka Bush and Passover Candy Basket
FO- Secular home
FO Somewhat Traditional - add appropriate qualifiers
s Go to a seder
m Light the menorah.
p Go to shul; drink on Purim.
t Dance at shul on Simchat Torah
su Eat in a Sukka on Sukkot.
sh Use luvav and etrog on Shavuot
co Count the Omer
hh Go to High Holiday services.
FO+ Full Observance - Reform
FO++= Full Observance - Conservative, egalitarian
FO++ Same as above, but non-egalitarian.
FO+++ Orthodox observance
FO+++:( Celebrate all festivals but not new ones like Israel
Independence Day, and Yom Yerushalayim since Moshiach
is not yet here.
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Davening (praying) ability, and knowledge of the siddur.
D--- Ia, Shub Nigurath! Cthulhu Fthagan Rylea!
(Don't worry, if you don't get this that's a good thing.)
D-- I daven the Gospel of our Lord and Saviour, JC...
D- What's davening?
D I know when to stand, sit and bow, etc.
D+ I also know the Sh'ma and Kaddish, and can somehow make it
through most or all of the rest of the service.
D++ I can lead services. I know most/all of the liturgy.
D+++ I can also read some/all Torah, Haftarah and Megillot
D++++ and they'll invite me back a second time :)
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Tzedakah (Charity)
Tz- I'm a professional shnorrer. Got a dollar?
Tz I give a few bucks - but not if it hurts! :(
Tz+ I give enough, relative to my income, to actually make
a difference
Tz++ Repeat donor to UJA, JNF, or SPCA, anything but the PLO.
Tz+++ Give till it hurts. A mensch. :)
Tz++++ I'm a Rothschild. Or Ted Turner. Whatever.
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Egalitarian philosophy
E- If a man heard a woman's voice, he'd be so overcome with
lustful thoughts he wouldn't be able to concentrate on his
prayers! And don't let women near the Kotel with a Torah!
E Women can wear tefillin and have women's prayer groups. But
they don't count in a minyan, and a mechitza is necessary.
E+ Women who have obligated themselves to follow positive time
bound mitzvot can read Torah, be a shaliach tzibur, count in a
minyan, and be a rabbi or cantor.
E++ Any women, even without taking on the obligations, can do most
or all of the above.
E+++ I only like feminist services; or I only like women rabbis;
or I am a woman Rabbi; or I married a woman Rabbi.
E++++ I'm an ultraliberal lesbian Reconstructionist Rabbi who has
realized that everyone else on the planet is a racist, sexist,
misogynist homophobe. But I say that out of Ahavat Yisrael!
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Lashon Hora (Evil or hateful speech, gossip, slander)
L----- I am Ricki Lake or Jerry Springer.
L---- I am a talk show host.
L--- I have appeared on a talk show and acted like
a true weenie in front of millions of people.
L-- I write for check-out counter tabloids.
L- I never speak Lashon Hora, but I'll tell you
someone who does!
L If you don't have something nice to say, than don't say it.
L+ I can recite parts of Rabbi Pliskin's "Guard Your tounge".
A pretty decent guy, if I must say so myself.
L++ The Chofetz Chaim is my inspiration. I have his books,
his commentaries, and the new interactive CD-ROM.
L+++ I even refrained from criticising Intel's Pentium debacle.
A tzaddik.
L++++ Refrain from criticising Microsoft. A Lamed Vavnik
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Tzin'out (Often pronounced tzinous or snious)
Laws and customs pertaining to wearing modest clothing.
(for women)
Aw---I love my bikini, I wear it everywhere.
Aw-- ...except in Syngaogue.
Aw- I don't wear mini skirts if they are "Shatnez"
Aw Conventional American dress.
Aw+ Modest Orthodox apparel. I wear long sleeves, only
dresses (no pants) and my hair is covered in public.
Am++ Real Haredi or Chassidic style dress.
Aw+++ Even my husband doesn't know what I look like.
(for men)
Am---I love my thong. I wear it everywhere.
Am-- ...except in Synagogue.
Am- Sure I wear leather and studs sometimes - after all, its
not Shatnez!
Am Conventional American dress.
Am+ Hat (usually black) and dark suit.
Am++ Real Haredi or Chassidic style dress.
Am+++I dress like a Cohen Gadol. You know, just like that
Vulcan High Priestess in the beginning of Star Trek: The
Motion Picture. (Really! Leonard Nimoy had that based
on the dress of a Cohen Gadol. B'emet!)
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Head Covering
Male
hc--- Say it loud, I'm a skinhead and I'm proud!
hc-- Bareheaded even when in shul
hc- Reform Jewish/Protestant Christian clergy head gear
hc I wear a kipa (yarmulka) in shul, and at religous
events, and when studying Torah, etc.
hc+ I normally wear a kipa sruga all day. (Those
crocheted, knit kipas. Worn by Modern Orthdodox,
Conservative and some Reform Jews.)
hc++ Black power! (Black hatters unite)
Also, big Litvak style yarmulkes/kipot.
hc+++ You're nor a real Chasid unil you have a big fur hat!
hc++++ Big fruity Carmen Miranda hat. Wear God's bounty
on your head. Birkat haMazon all day long!
Female
hc--- Say it loud, I'm a skinhead and I'm proud!
hc-- Bareheaded even in shul
hc- Reform Jewish/Protestant Christian clergy head gear
hc I wear a hat or doily in shul only.
hc+ I normally wear a kipa sruga (crocheted, knit kipas.
hc++ I wear a scarf or hat when going outside the home.
hc+++ Wigging out!
hc++++ Big fruity Carmen Miranda hat. Wear God's bounty
on your head. Birkat haMazon all day long!
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Eretz Yisrael (The Land of Israel)
I--- Proud to be Hezbollah! Proud to be Hamas!
I-- Neturei Karta, or any similar ultra-Orthodox anti-Zionist
sect. Or, a fan of Noam Chomsky or Pat Buchanan.
I- What's the big deal about such a little country?
I Planted a tree, donated to the JNF, think its a nice place.
I+ I visited and davened at the Kotel. Or recognize religious
legitimacy of the new Israeli holidats.
I++ Israel is my second home. I go there often.
I+++ I made aliyah (moved to Israel).
I++++ I'll be at the Golden Gate in Jerusalem when the Moshiach
comes through it. Should be any minute now..
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Halakha (Jewish law)
Ha--- One of the last Frankists! Care to break a few mitzvot?
Ha-- The law? Didn't Jesus abolish all that?
Ha- Karaite. Sure, the Torah is authoritative, but we'll
have none of the Talmud/Oral law nonsense around here.
Ha0 Secular. Isn't halakha for fanatics?
Ha Reform or Reconstructionist. Jewish law? That's not really
binding any more, but I'll consult it for its opinion.
Ha+ Conservative. Yup, Jewish law is normative, yet I the
rabbis of our generation still have flexibility.
Ha++ Modern Orthodox. Jewish law is normative, but change in
the law really is usually nearly impossible.
Ha+++ Ultra-Orthodox. Change? The law never changed! In fact,
Moses wrote the tractate regarding driving on Shabbat!
Ha++++ Meshuggedox. Everyone else is a heretic, especially the
Modern Orthodox - they're the worst! But just to show
that we're still friends, I'll accept their donations for
our Yeshivas...
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Shaving one's facial hair. [Using razors on the face and head
is prohibted by the Torah]
FH-- I use a straight razor with boar's hair brush and foam to
shave every day. The Neo-Canaanite look is in...
FH- I use a disposable razor, but no shaving cream, so as to
make sure not to cut too close to the skin. No cutting
above bone on peyot (upper sideburn area).
FH I use an electric lift and cut razor. These work by a
scissor principle, so they technically don't fall into the
prohibition against shaving with a razor. But I never
asked a rabbi if my razor model is O.k. Will occassionally
cut peyot above reccomended area, but will magic marker them
in for date with a rich Orthodox Jewish girl from Boro Park
who prefers FH+ or FH++
FH+ I use an electric razor model that has an o.k. by a local posek.
Keep peyot at bottom of ear lobes; no shaving during Chol Hamoed.
FH++ I will shave, but I have Litvak style peyot behind the ear.
No shaving during Sefirah and the Three Weeks (before Tisha
B'Av), so I can work in chinuch, for 47th St. Photo or for
Leshkowitz and Co. if an accountant
FH+++ I have a full beard. Don't trim. Long peyot in an ultra-
Orthodox style. Will occasionally tuck under my beard
ends or trim them when interviewing for a well paying
prestigious rabbinical position or if elected Chief Rabbi
of Israel. Have been offered position with Z-Z-Top.
FH++++ I have taken a full Nazirite vow.
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Israeli Politics
R for right-wing , L for left-wing
IPR+++++ Nuke the Arabs until their sand dunes become glass!
IPR++++ I live with my wife and kids in Hebron. Kahane Chai!
IPR+++ I live (or would like to live) in a small settlement
in the Shomron (Samaria). Supporter of Zo Artzenu.
IPR++ I live (or would like to live) in a Gush Emunim town.
IPR+ Likud die-hard.
IPR Just right of center. Might have voted for Rabin, but
never for Peres.
IP My wife and I split our vote between Labor & Likud.
IPL I'm usually left wing, but Bibi's much cuter than Shimon,
so he got my wife's vote.
IPL+ Go to all the Peace Now rallies.
IPL++ The Oslo Accords are as sacred as the Torah.
IPL+++ Member of Aviv Geffen fan club. All Israeli youth
should emigrate!
IPL++++ Meretz is right wing! Shulamit Aloni is a goddess!
IPL+++++ See I-- or UN resolution stating that "Zionism is
racism." I only live in Israel since I can't afford
to get out!
IP- I am apolitical. This negates all other Yiddishkeit
codes since it is impossible to be Jewish and apolitical.
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Talmud study [The Talmud is the most important sourcebook of Jewish
law, legend, history and ethics.]
T--- I burn them whenever I get the chance. (Note: This
category is especially useful for apostates.)
T-- I'm a Karaite / Samaritan
T- I've read a little bit, mostly or all in English.
T Studied in Hebrew school / Hebrew High School
T+ Studied in college or yeshiva; Competent to argue.
T++ Talmud Chochem
T+++ Adin Steinsaltz's chevruta (study partner).
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Jewish Education
JE-- None
JE- Sunday school for a few years. Majored in paper
airplanes. But who can remember?
JE Went to Hebrew school 3 days a week. Dropped out after
Bar/Bat mitzvah. "Graduated" from Judaism...
JE+ ...and continued my education past age 13; Went to an afterschool
Jewish program; or had somewhat extensive self-education.
Or spent time in synagogue or Hillel adult education programs.
JE++ Jewish day school or Yeshiva , up to Bar/Bat mitzvah.
JE+++ Jewish day school or Yeshiva even after Bar/Bat mitzvah
JE++++ Jewish study after high school in Yeshiva or kollel.
JEug Jewish related undergrad degree (BA, teaching degree,
or a minor in Jewish studies)
JEgrad Jewish-related graduate degree (M.A., Ph.D.)
JErab Rabbinical or cantorial education in seminary/yeshiva.
,c plus Jewish summer camp
,c+ ...where I actually got meaningful Jewish education
,c- ...that was really no different from other camps
Note for Jews by choice (converts): Choose a JE level that is
comparable to the amount of education that you got before and
during, and after your conversion to Judaism studies. A typical
Conservative conversion might be JE+
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By Robert D. Kaiser
kai...@biosys.net , kai...@physiology.pnb.sunysb.edu
with contributions from
Michael Turniansky mt0...@epfl2.epflbalto.org
Jonathan and Woody Anna Dresner dre...@ccy.yamaguchi-u.ac.jp
Wendy Morrison HMT...@aol.com
John Riehl
Yatzliakh Yisrael Abrahami Ya...@intxtdoc.demon.co.uk
Aaron Gross a...@pobox.com
Rachel Marans msma...@pluto.mscc.huji.ac.il
Joeseph W. Grayson jw...@columbia.edu
Leif Knutsen leif.k...@ac.com
David Joseph Grabiner grab...@math.lsa.umich.edu
Eric Brown er...@saugus.net
Shoshana Boublil tora...@mail.netvision.net.il
Avraham Husarsky ho...@pobox.com
Aliza R. Panitz Bug...@ability.net