Jewish Humor - The Yiddishkeit Code
Robert D. Kaiser
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*The Yiddishkeit Code* Version 9/30/96
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by Robert D. Kaiser kai...@pofvax.pnb.sunysb.edu
Formally known as "The Hebrew Geek Code"
Amaze your friends and family! Communicate volumes of information
about yourself with just a few letters! Give information to those in the
know! Don't limit yourself to uselss one word descriptions - Create your
own Yiddishkeit code, which you then can put in your .sig file. Have
fun. Permission is granted to spread this everywhere, as long as credit
is given. E-mail me any additions that you think would be good. They
might end up in the next version.
Here is an example Yiddishkeit Code, which would be typically located
in one's email signature file: S+ Fa1 TM ng+ M K+ T tL AT++ SY+=/SY+++
Te+ SC P+ FO++= D+ Tz++ E+ L- Am hc I+ IPL
The above code translates to:
S+ Shabbat: Conservative, will drive to shul
Fa1 Family: Not married - Single
TM Taharat Mishpacha: Lenient observance. Abstain while
the women is niddah, but don't follow Talmudic chumrot
of waiting an extra week.
Ng+ Conservative N'giah -- only touch a consenting partner
I love and plan to marry.
M Messiah: Could be moshiach
K+ Kashrut: Conservative. Kashrut fully observed. Two sets of
dishes, etc. Add appropriate strictures as necessary.
If no codes are added, lenient options are default for K+
T Talmud: Studied in Hebrew school / Hebrew High School
tL Tribe: Levi
AT++ Attendance: I go regularly on most Shabbats.
SY+ Synagogue: Conservative (egalitarian) to SY+++ Orthodox
Te+ Tefillin: Sure, sometimes. Irregularly.
SC Shabbat Candles: Been there, done that.
P+ Pesach: Even the pet eats tuna and matzah-brei for a week
FO++= Festival Observance: Full Observance - Conservative, egalitarian
D+ I also know the Sh'ma and Kaddish by heart, and can
somehow make it through most of the rest.
Tz++ Tzedakah: Repeat donor to UJA, JNF, or SPCA
E+ Egalitarianism: Women (who REALLY have taken on the
obligations of tefila Tallit and Tefillin) can read Torah
and count in minyans.
L- Lashon Hara: I never speak Lashon Hora, but I'll tell you
someone who does!
Am Attire: Conventional American dress.
hc Head covering: I wear a kipa (yarmulka) in shul, and
at religous events, and when studying Torah, etc.
I+ Israel: I visited and davened at the Kotel
IPL Israeli Politics: I'm usually left wing, but Bibi's
much cuter than Shimon, so he got my wife's vote.
As you can see, in just a line or two of the Yiddishkeit Code, you can say
quite a lot about yourself without wasting precious Internet bandwidth!!
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Qualifiers: A&B Means A and B
A/B Means ranging from A to B
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Shabbat Observance
S--- I stone people walking to shul on Shabbat
S-- Of course. Every Sunday!
S- Not at all, or, "Shabbat - What's that?"
S Reform
S+ Conservative, will drive to shul
S++ Traditional, Orthodox
S+++ I stone cars on Shabbat
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Shabbat Candles
SC- I don't use matches. Only you can prevent forest fires.
SC Been there, done that.
SC+ Every Shabbat.
SC:( I blow them out afterwards so that they last longer.
SC++ I have been arrested for arson.
SC+++ I have been convicted for arson.
Add a 'W' for "My wife does that". Example: SCW+
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Mishpacha (Family status)
Fa-- Intermarried - the children won't be raised Jewish.
Fa- Intermarried - but the children will be raised Jewish
Fa.n/a Not applicable. Don't you know? Gay people do not
get married!
Fa.gm Of course its applicable. Don't you know? Gay
people do get married!
Fa1 Not married - Single
Fa+ I married a Jew.
Fa++ I have more than one wife.
Only applicable for Yemenite Jews. Sorry :)
Fa++rc I have more than one husband. Only applicable
for Yemenite Reconstructionists. :)
,c=# Where # represents the number of
children you have. Default = 0.
Default: Preseumed heterosexual. So sue me. :)
Examples: Fa1 Fa+ Fa+,c=1 Fa++,c=5
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Tohorot Mishpacha (Laws and customs pertaining to Family Purity, i.e.
sexual relations, the mikva, etc.)
TM--- I married a sheep, so this doesn't apply.
TM-- I married a non-Jew, so this doesn't apply.
TM- I married a Jew, but I don't abstain. I'm a pagan. :)
(Standard American practice)
TM... Well...I would but my spouse isn't into it.
TM Lenient observance. Abstain while the women is niddah,
but don't follow Talmudic chumrot of waiting an extra
week.
TM+ Traditional / Orthodox
TM++ My wife and I have separate houses
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N'giah (Laws regarding touching a member of the opposite sex )
Ng--- I touch a member of the opposite sex as much as possible
Ng-- I try to observe it as much as possible, but I'm in the same
cell as the arsonist. (see the Shabbat candles category).
Ng- I am Shomer N'giah, but not by choice.
Ng Liberal N'giah -- only touch a consenting partner
Ng+ Conservative N'giah -- only touch a consenting partner
I love and plan to marry.
Ng++ Orthodox N'giah -- Only touch my wife
Ng+++ I plan to have children by artificial inseminantion.
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Moshiach [Jews traditionally believe that there will be a messiah
(moshiach), who will be a normal human, unlike the Chrisitian concept,
and bring in a messianic era for humanity.]
M--- *ding dong*. Would you like a copy of Watchtower magazine?
M-- He's already come. Haven't you heard the Good Word?
M- Don't believe in it.
M Could be
M+ Ani ma'ammim (I believe with perfect faith)
M++ We want Moshiach now!
M+++ Shabbatai Tzvi is Moshiach.
M++++ I am Moshiach.
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Kashrut (Laws pertaining to what food Jews can eat.)
K-- I only eat at McDonald's. Also: What's kashrut?
K- Jewish in identity, not in practice. Likely to eat ham
and cheese, but will say a bracha afterwards
K Very liberal kosher. Won't eat any Torah forbidden
species, won't mix milk and meat. Will eat eat meat of
a permitted animal, even it not proeprly slaughtered.
K+ Conservative. Kashrut fully observed. Two sets of
dishes, etc. Add appropriate strictures as necessary.
If no codes are added, lenient options are default for K+
K++ Orthodox kashrut. Same as Conservative, but unless codes
are added, the stricter options are assumed for K++
K+++ Meshugge kosher. Even my vegetables are glatt!
ch+ Will only eat Kosher cheese.
ch Will eat cheese without a hechsher.
me+ Will only eat Glatt meat.
me Glatt not necessary.
mi+ Will only drink Chalav Yisrael milk.
mi Will drink regular FDA approved milk.
ge+ Won't eat gelatin, diglycerides, etc. unless
with an Orthodox hechsher.
ge Will eat gelatin, diglycerides, etc.
Considered pareve.
wi+ Will only drink kosher wine.
wi Will drink without a hechsher.
Examples: K+ K++ K++,mi k+,ch+
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Ivrit (Hebrew)
H-- Is 'Jewish' a language?
H- Can't speak a word of it.
H I went to Hebrew school. Shalom!
H+ I even took it in college.
H++ I'm not made fun of too badly by Israelis.
H+++ Ani midaber Ivrit tov me'od, nu?
Substitute Yid for H to denote Yiddish familiarity.
Substitue Lad for H to denote Ladino familiarity.
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Talmud study [The Talmud is the most important sourcebook of Jewish
law, legend, history and ethics.]
T--- I burn them whenever I get the chance. (Note: This
category is especially useful for apostates.)
T-- I'm a Karaite / Samaritan
T Studied in Hebrew school / Hebrew High School
T+ Studied in college or yeshiva; Competent to argue.
T++ Talmud Chochem
T+++ Adin Steinsaltz's chevruta (study partner).
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Tribe [All Jews are descended from one of the original 12 twelve
tribes.]
tI Israel
tL Levi
tC Cohen
tCG Next in line to be the Cohen Gadol
t? Not sure (be real - this is a lot of us!)
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Attendance at Shul (Synagogue)
AT-- Religion is for dweebs!
AT- Only for other people's weddings and bar/bat mitzvahs.
AT Regularly - Well, every Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur,
and I also had a Bar/Bat Mitzvah!
AT+ High holidays, Shalosh Regalim (Three festivals), and
occasional Shabbats.
AT++ I go regularly on most Shabbats.
AT+++ I even daven at shul on weekdays.
AT++++ The Rabbi wants to institute a restraining order to
keep me away!
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What type of shul do I got to?
SY--- First Church of Cthulhu, Friends of the Elder Gods, etc.
SY-- Jesus loves me, yes he does...
SY- Allah'hu Akbar!
-SY I don't go to shul
SYrc Reconstructionist
SY Reform
SY+ Conservative (egalitarian)
SY++ Non-egal Conservative or Union for Traditional Judaism
SY+++ Orthodox
SY+++M Modern/Centrist Orthodox
SY+++Y Yeshivish, Litvak, right wing, Agudath Yisroel
SY+++C Chassidic
You can add the appropriate Nusach code shown in the next section. If
you go to a shul that is different that your background, then code. If
you don't put a code after the shul type, the default is Ashkenazi.
You can add ",ch" to any of the above codes to indicate that you go to a
chavura inbstead of a shul or synagogue. Example: SY+,ch
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Nusach (liturgical and legal tradition)
A Ashkenazi (East European)
S Sephardic (North African, Middle Eastern)
Az Nusach HaAri (This is a Ashkenazi Chassidic nusach, which is
really a Sephardi nusach as modifed by Rav Shneur Zalman.)
SE Sephardic (European)
SY Sephardic (Yementite)
SI B'nai Yisrael (India)
ET Beta Yisrael (Ethiopian)
Examples: SY+ SY+/A SY+/A,SE SY+,SE
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Tefillin (Phylacteries) [Leather boxes with long leather straps that
contain biblical excerpts; Worn during morning prayers.]
Te- What's that? Is it good to eat?
Te I don't wear animal products, dude.
Te+ Sure, sometimes. Irregularly.
Te++ Every day, or almost every day. I'm a mensch! :)
Te+++ The doctors say if I don't taken them off soon,
they'll have to amputate.
Te.n/a Not applicable, I'm a woman.
Te!a Of COURSE Teffilin is applicable for women! Rashi's
daughters wore them! (Add appropriate + or - )
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Pesach (Passover)
P--- Happy Easter!
P-- Mohammed says to celebrate Moses's birthday !
P- I refrain from bacon double cheeseburgers on Pesach.
No bread at all! My parents are sooo proud!
P Yeah, I think I follow most of the rules. Mostly.
PC Everything except for the part about "Pour out thy wrath"
P+ Even the pet eats tuna and matzah-brei for a week
P++ I start cleaning right after Hanukkah !
P+++ Blowtorch the kitchen, buy new dishes every Spring
P++++ Blowtorch the house, move every Spring (This ties in
with that arson category of Shabbos candles).
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Festival Observance:
FO---- Sacrifices to Cthulhu, Nylarthotep, any Elder Gods, etc.
FO--- Christmas Tree and Easter Eggs
FO-- Chanukka Bush and Passover Candy Basket
FO- Secular home
FO Somewhat Traditional - add the following qualifiers
as you find appropriate:
s Go to a seder
m Light the menorah.
p Make noise and drink on Purim.
t Dance on Simchat Torah
su Eat in a Sukka on Sukkot.
sL Can LEAD a Seder :)
co Count the Omer
hh Go to High Holiday services.
FO+ Full Observance - Reform
FO++= Full Observance - Conservative, egalitarian
FO++ Same as above, but non-egalitarian.
FO+++ Orthodox observance
FO+++:( Celebrate all festivals but not new ones like Israel
Independence Day, and Yom Yerushalayim since Moshiach is
not yet here.
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Davening (praying) ability
D--- Ia, Shub Nigurath! Cthulhu Fthagan Rylea!
D-- I daven Gospel.
D- What's davening?
D I know when to stand, sit and bow.
D+ I also know the Sh'ma and Kaddish by heart, and can
somehow make it through most of the rest.
D++ I can lead services
D+++ I can also read some/all Torah, Haftarah and Megillot
D++++ and they'll invite me back a second time :)
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Tzedakah (Charity)
Tz- I'm a professional shnorrer. Got a dollar?
Tz I give a few bucks - but not if it hurts! :(
Tz+ I actually notice when I give.
Tz++ Repeat donor to UJA, JNF, or SPCA, anything but the PLO.
Tz+++ Give till it hurts. A mensch. :)
Tz++++ I'm a Rothschild
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Egalitarianism Factor
E- If a man heard a woman's voice, he'd be so overcome with
lustful thoughts he wouldn't be able to concentrate on his
prayers...
E Women can wear tefillin and have women's prayer groups. But
they don't count in a minyan. Mechitza necessary.
E+ Women (who REALLY have taken on the obligations of tefila
Tallit and Tefillin) can read Torah and count in minyans.
E++ Any women (even without taking on the obligations) can
count in a minyan.
E+++ I only like women rabbis/ I AM a woman Rabbi /
I married a woman Rabbi.
E++++ I'm an ultraliberal lesbian Reconstructionist Rabbi.
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Lashon Hora (Evil or hateful speech, gossip, slander)
L----- I am Ricki Lake; Lashon Hora is my job.
L---- I am a talk show host.
L--- I have appeared on a talk show and acted like
a true weenie in front of millions of people.
L-- I write for check-out counter tabloids.
L- I never speak Lashon Hora, but I'll tell you
someone who does!
L If you don't have something nice to say, than don't say
it.
L+ I can recite parts of Rabbi Pliskin's "Guard Your tounge".
A true mensch.
L++ The Chofetz Chaim is my inspiration. I have his books,
his commentaries, and the new interactive CD-ROM.
L+++ I even refrained from criticising Intel's Pentium
debacle. A tzaddik.
(Note: People who choose this last option are
high on morals, but possibly low on modesty)
L++++ Refrained from criticising Microsoft - Lamed Vavnik
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Tzin'out (Often pronounced Tzinous or Snious)
Laws and customs pertaining to wearing modest clothing.
(for women)
Aw---I love my bikini, I wear it everywhere.
Aw-- ...except in Syngaogue.
Aw- I don't wear mini skirts if they are "Shatnez"
Aw Conventional American dress.
Aw+ Modest Orthodox apparel. I wear long sleeves, only
dresses (no pants) and my hair is covered in public.
Am++ Real Haredi or Chassidic style dress.
Aw+++ Even my husband doesn't know what I look like.
(for men)
Am---I love my thong. I wear it everywhere.
Am-- ...except in Synagogue.
Am- Sure I wear leather and studs sometimes - after all, its
not Shatnez!
Am Conventional American dress.
Am+ Hat (usually black) and dark suit.
Am++ Real Haredi or Chassidic style dress.
Am+++I dress like a Cohen Gadol. You know, just like that
Vulcan High Priestess in the beginning of Star Trek: The
Motion Picture. (Really! Leonard Nimoy had that based
on the dress of a Cohen Gadol. B'emet!)
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Eretz Yisroel (The Land of Israel)
I--- Proud to be Hezbollah!
I-- I belong to the Neturai Karta
(Satmar anti-Zionist splinter group)
I-- (Alternative) Member of the Noam Chomsky fan club
I- What's the big deal about such a little country?
I I've planted a tree and donated to the JNF
I+ I visited and davened at the Kotel
I++ It's my second home
I+++ I made aliyah
I++++ I'll be at the Golden Gate (in Jerusalem) when
Mashiach comes through it.
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Head Covering
Male
hc--- Say it loud, I'm a skinhead and I'm proud!
hc-- Bareheaded even when in shul
hc- Reform Jewish/Protestant Christian clergy head gear
hc I wear a kipa (yarmulka) in shul, and at religous
events, and when studying Torah, etc.
hc+ I normally wear a kipa sruga all day. (Those
crotched, knit kipas. Worn by Modern Orthdodox,
Conservative and now some Reform Jews.)
hc++ Black power! (Black hatters unite)
Also, big Litvak style kipot.
hc+++ You're nor a *real* chasid unil you have a big FUR hat!
hc++++ Big fruity Carmen Miranda hat. Wear God's bounty
on your head. Birkat haMazon all day long!
Female
hc--- Say it loud, I'm a skinhead and I'm proud!
hc-- Bareheaded even in shul
hc- Reform Jewish/Protestant Christian clergy head gear
hc I wear a hat or doily in shul only.
hc+ I normally wear a kipa sruga (those crotched, knit
kipas. Worn by some Conservative and Reform Jews.)
hc++ I wear a scarf or hat when going outside the home.
hc+++ Wigging out!
hc++++ Big fruity Carmen Miranda hat. Wear God's bounty
on your head. Birkat haMazon all day long!
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Israeli Politics
R for right-wing , L for left-wing
IPR+++++ Nuke the Arabs until their sand dunes become glass!
IPR++++ I live with my wife and kids in Hebron. Kahane Chai!
IPR+++ I live (or would like to live) in a small settlement
in the Shomron (Samaria). Supporter of Zo Artzenu.
IPR++ I live (or would like to live) in a Gush Emunim town.
IPR+ Likud die-hard.
IPR Just right of center. Might have voted for Rabin, but
never for Peres.
IP My wife and I split our vote between Labor & Likud.
IPL I'm usually left wing, but Bibi's much cuter than Shimon,
so he got my wife's vote.
IPL+ Go to all the Peace Now rallies.
IPL++ The Oslo Accords are as sacred as the Torah.
IPL+++ Member of Aviv Geffen fan club. All Israeli youth
should emigrate!
IPL++++ Meretz is right wing! Shulamit Aloni is a goddess!
IPL+++++ See I-- or UN resolution stating that "Zionism is racism."
I only live in Israel since I can't afford to get out!
IP- I am apolitical. This negates all other Yiddishkeit
codes since it is impossible to be Jewish and apolitical!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
By Robert D. Kaiser kai...@pofvax.pnb.sunysb.edu
with contributions from
Michael Turniansky mt0...@epfl2.epflbalto.org
Jonathan and Woody Anna Dresner dre...@ccy.yamaguchi-u.ac.jp
Wendy Morrison HMT...@aol.com
John Riehl
Yatzliakh Yisrael Abrahami Ya...@intxtdoc.demon.co.uk
Aaron Gross a...@pobox.com
Rachel Marans msma...@pluto.mscc.huji.ac.il
Joeseph W. Grayson jw...@columbia.edu
Leif Knutsen leif.k...@ac.com
David Joseph Grabiner grab...@math.huji.ac.il
Eric Brown ebr...@hpanix.an.hp.com
Shoshana Boublil tora...@mail.netvision.net.il
Carolina Reb
>
>
> Amaze your friends and family!
http://news.yahoo.com/lawmakers-demand-swastikas-removed-california-house-184318248.html
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F O R T H E J E W
"Omnes relinquite spes, o vos intrantes!"
http://www.joblo.com/images_arrownews/brazenbulllogo.jpg
Walt Hampton
news:1e7c802b-0100-4a30...@googlegroups.com...
>Right! Whine like the Yid bitches that you are:
>
>
>
>
snot-faced wailing Yid:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-laitman/the-simple-and-unwelcome-_b_6687030.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592