One Liners
Duck
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting
Idiot".
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months
a year.
I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're
on.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll
never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around
the sun.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it
back in.
If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.
In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody
else's dog around.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?"
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.
I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?
They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
.
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met
everybody.
All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and
that's all you feed him.
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners
depressed?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Ex_OWM
you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and
you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN.... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the
garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of
by
the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any
fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking
lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
Salahoona
> One of the classic forms of humour.
>
> I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
>
> I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
>
> Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
>
> Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
Ha!
>
> Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
>
> If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
>
> I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
>
> I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
>
> It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
>
> There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting
> Idiot".
>
> A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
And a closed mind.
>
> A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
>
> Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
Obama selling hope.
>
> Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
>
> Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Ha!
>
> Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
>
> George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months
> a year.
>
> I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
>
> Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
That's an awful thing to say.
>
> Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
No comment.
>
> All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
>
> How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're
> on.
>
> Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll
> never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
>
> Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
>
> Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
>
> Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around
> the sun.
>
> Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
> own pants.
You don't know where you are until you get there, believe me.
>
> Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
>
> Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it
> back in.
Ha!
>
> If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
> then to make sure it's still there.
If you lead from behind, you eventually lead from the front.
>
> In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says
> after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
> If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody
> else's dog around.
That is no problem at all - do it all the time - dogs admire courage.
>
> I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
> "Implants?"
>
> You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
>
> Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.
>
> I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
>
> If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?
>
> They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
>
> A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
Agreed
>
> When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
>
> Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Thanks for the advice.
> .
> Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Depending on your interpretation
>
> I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.
>
> Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Hmmm..
>
> If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met
> everybody.
Took me half a century to learn that one.
>
> All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
>
> Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
>
> Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
>
> To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
>
> If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Try something else or change the rules.
>
> Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
>
> I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.
>
> You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be
> misquoted, then used against you.
>
> Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
>
> Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
>
> The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
>
> Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
Hmmm
>
> I intend to live forever - so far so good.
>
> Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
>
> Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
>
> To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
> research.
>
> To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
> principles.
>
> Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
>
> The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
>
> A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Or an excellent one.
>
> Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
>
> Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
>
> Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
>
> Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and
> that's all you feed him.
>
> When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your
> two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
>
> When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
>
> Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.
>
> If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
> that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
> deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners
> depressed?
>
> Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
>
> If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Because you are still an ape..
I add on e of my own:
This is a gun in my pocket; are you glad to see me?
Donal