Super Fun: Russia's 2006 Report Card
Vladimir Makarenko
not for education just for fun:
http://www.exile.ru/2006-December-29/the_year_russia_schooled_the_west.html
2006: The Year Russia Schooled The West
Russia's Report Card For The 2006 Academic Year
By eXile Staff
This past year was a watershed both for Russia and for Russia's
detractors alike. As they used to say after 9/11, "everything's
changed." Although not exactly how the West imagined it.
For the first time since Mikhail Gorbachev launched his doomed
Perestroika reforms, Russia returned to its rightful place as the White
World's Bogeyman, annoying the living shit out of every self-righteous,
sexually-frustrated Western missionary with its mixture of menace and
mo'. Playing up its new role as something like a cross between Bugs
Bunny, the Tasmanian Devil, and P Diddy, Russia is now officially
"confident," the biggest sin a country could possibly commit if said
country attained its confidence while mooning the West.
In this end-of-the-year issue of The eXile, we look back at 2006: The
Year Russia Schooled The West. And looking back at each major event as
if it was a university course, we issue Russia its bestest, and
most-annoyingest, report card ever.
Below is Russia's report card in each subject in which it competed with
The West. We at the eXile hope that by reprinting this report card in an
open and transparent manner, that the lessons learned will assist all of
us in the New Year.
SUBJECT: Fingerpainting 121
Course Description: Remember all those so-called "Color Revolutions"
which were sweeping the former East Bloc and Soviet countries, turning
them from supposedly backwards, Russia-dominated failed states into
happy, pro-Western "orange" or "yellow" or "rose"-colored nations? Welp,
2006 was the year that Russia decided to "Paint It Black." That's right,
in 2006, Russia's Near Abroad overthrew all those bright, ditzy
pro-Western colors to return to its natural, serious, Russia-friendly
gray. Here is a sample of the color mixing chart:
*Ukrainian Orange. In the 2006 elections, "yesterday's" candidate Viktor
Yanukovich ate the pro-Western faction for lunch, winning the largest
bloc in the Rada, and eventually taking over the government, revealing
every neo-liberal's pock-marked hero Viktor Yuschenko for the spineless,
corrupt fool that he is;
*Kyrgyzstan Yellow. Last year's "Tulip Revolution" started looking bad
from the moment the savages from Osh overpowered Western-backed NGO-er
types. But this is the year that the yellow faded to gray. President
Bakayev's tilt towards Russia has turned into a stampede, with demands
that the US pay increasingly more for its Manas Airfield base, and now,
demands that the US hand over the jughead who smoked a Kyrgyz truck
driver. Bakayev is also moving Kyrgyzstan enthusiastically into the
anti-Western Shanghai Cooperation Agreement alliance, joining up with...
*Uzbekistan. This hearty li'l Central Asian country's near-revolution
never even had time to acquire a color before Uzbek President Karimov
colored everything first a very deep crimson red (with chunks of pink),
and then, after the bloodbath, a very pro-Russian gray. Indeed, Karimov,
who until last year was America's bestest buddy in the whole
authoritarian world, has since closed down America's base, thrown out
all the special forces and spies and NGO's, and joined up with the
Shanghai Five. What's funny about this artistic switcheroo is that even
after last year's massacre in Andizhan, the Bush Administration tried to
sweep it under the carpet and make it seem as if nothing all that bad
really happened. But Karimov sniffed a hint of color, and that was it:
later, West!
*Georgia. This country ain't smelling like roses anymore, ever since
Russia shipped back all of the Georgian gasterbeiters, banned its wines
and mineral water, and shored up the breakaway republics of South
Ossetia and Abkhazia, ensuring that those conflicts remain frozen 'n
gray for a long time to come. The result? No NATO, no EU, and in fact,
no nuthin'.
Schooling Grade: A-. Russia swiped three countries in its Near Abroad
from the West, and bitch-slapped a fourth.
SUBJECT: Geology 2a
Course Description: 'Twas a time when the West thought it could sucker
Russia into handing over its rich natural resources on-the-cheap in the
name of (take your pick): "free markets"; "breaking up monopolies";
"Western know-how"; "free trade"; "increasing efficiency";
"transparency"; "NAME-OF-CURRENTLY-FASHIONABLE-SCAM HERE." Somehow, the
Russians got wise and decided not only to keep as much of their shit as
possible, but this year, they even did the once-unthinkable: they
started booting Western oil companies out of choice deals like
Sakhalin-2, turning Russia into Suckalin-Infinity for notorious
blood-stained oil exploiters like Shell (which pays death squads to
protect its fields in Nigeria), British Petroleum (which is destroying
Alaska), Total (which is French), Exxon (which already destroyed Alaska)
and others. Mwah-hah-hah.
Schooling Grade: A. Russia took back billions of dollars worth of oil
assets from the greediest, nastiest companies in the world, simply by
being nastier and greedier...and armed-ier.
SUBJECT: Legal Studies 201
Course Description: When the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991, one of the
main goals of the crusading Western missionaries was to introduce
something like "ethics" into Russia's savage culture. After all, the
West was transparent, legalistic, and essentially free of corruption,
whereas Russia was barbarically corrupt in ways we poor Westerners could
never understand...or become. That fiction is now officially over. Won't
you please give a big "Willkommen!" to Herr Gerhardt Schroeder, the
former German Prime Minister who this year (well, it was announced last
year, but for the purposes of this class, we'll say it happened this
year) officially got himself bought. What happened was when Schroeder
was PM, he approved building a $5 billion gas pipeline bypassing pesky
Poland; then when Schroeder was booted out of office, he accepted a
high-paying position to head the pipeline consortium. Proving that in
fact, it was Russia which would teach the West how to be corrupt in an
unhypocritical way, which is very difficult for us.
Schooling Grade: A-. If Schroeder could sum up this lesson using only
German pornstar words, he would bellow, "Das ist fantastische, ja!"
SUBJECT: Finance 10
Course Description: In the 1990s, the West tried training Russia on the
rules of capital markets. Then Russia collapsed in 1998, and the West
said the consequences would be dire and they'd never get their money
again. A couple of years later, Western funds were pouring into oil
juggernaut Yukos...only to have the entire company destroyed and its
assets stolen by the state. The West said that the consequences would be
dire. So then Russia took the assets that they stole from the West,
repackaged those stolen assets as Rosneft, and...ta-da! Rosneft turned
out to be the largest IPOs ever for an energy major, raising over $10
billion in its listing on the London Stock Exchange, giving the company
an $80 billion value.
Schooling Grade: A+. The lesson learned is that the West will buy
literally anything from Russia, including their own stolen bicycles.
SUBJECT: Physics 30A
Course Description: For the last 20 years, Russian arms have suffered
the twin indignity of being considered a). a joke, and b). pushed out of
its natural markets by a selectively-moralizing West which doesn't like
competition, and so imposes sanctions on countries whose arms markets
are closed off, naming them "rogue nations." Over the past few years,
Russia stopped caring about which countries the West didn't want it to
send arms to. Russian arms exports soared to $6 billion this past year,
while at least another $18 billion in future contracts have been signed,
including with such rogue states as Venezuela and, reportedly, Iran.
Moreover, in the proxy war between Hezbollah and Israel, Russian RPG-29
anti-tank grenades and other anti-tank weapons schooled American-backed
Israel all the way to the surrender-yard.
Schooling Grade: A+. The lesson learned is that if Russia doesn't listen
to the West and sells its arms to whomever, its arms will get sold, and
the West will do nothing about it.
SUBJECT: Civics 55
Course Description: Remember all those Western-backed NGOs that popped
up in this part of the world as soon as the Soviet Union fell? You know,
because they were designed to give Russia "non-biased" and "non-profit"
advice to gently guide it along a path to a democratic society by
providing a non-partisan counterbalance to red-Soviet/Stalinist inbred
ways? The same NGOs which formed the backbone of every "Color
Revolution" (see "Fingerpainting 121" above) are now consigned to the
bone yard. Russia is and has always been the undefeated
intelligence-gathering/disinformation champion of the world. Do they
think that disguising Western spy nests with harmless sounding names and
giving them democratic-sounding missions, like Amnesty International or
the British Council, can fool the ever-vigilant Russian intelligence
services? Unfazed at being labeled "increasingly authoritarian," Russia
enacted legislation giving it the power to shut down foreign-funded NGOs
at will. And shut 'em down they will! Federal Security Service chief
Nikolai Patrushev said it straight: "Foreign NGO's are being used to spy
on Russia." And just to rub it in, Russia humiliated the MI6 by publicly
broadcasting surveillance footage of a British diplomat kicking an
electronic "rock." What were you guys thinking?
Schooling Grade: A+. Russia wasn't fooled by the West's trickery. You
done been schooled, beeyatches!
SUBJECT: Physical Ed 233
Course Description: Back in the glory days of the Soviet Union, Russians
who emigrated abroad knew that they still had to show respect for their
country, or else... Defectors knew that no matter where they go or what
they do, if they fucked with Mother Russia, she would fuck them back a
thousand fold. But ever since Gorbachev turned Russia into a giant
frozen pussy, Russian defectors seeking refuge seemed to forget about
those times... This year, Russia reversed a 16-year-old trend. Just to
make sure everyone noticed, they done went 'n whacked a former KGB
officer, Putin critic and recent British citizen Litvinenko. They didn't
have to do it. It wasn't like Litvinenko was a threat. But they did it
anyway, just because they could. What's really cool is that it wasn't
just a boring bullet-in -- the -- head whack-job, but what everyone is
fearfully calling the first instance of "nuclear terrorism." How fucking
bad-ass is that?! And just so no one gets any ideas, Russia pimp-slapped
US authorities into briefly detaining Leonid Nevzlin, the former CEO of
Yukos, on an Interpol warrant.
Schooling Grade: A. Russia rediscovered that fear equals respect.
SUBJECT: Military History 1
Course Description: Let's take two examples. Example #1: After four
wretched, failed years of war, America, bleeding its strength to the
breaking point, is considering adding yet another 20,000 troops into the
Iraq quagmire, with no hope of success. Meanwhile, 2006 is the year NATO
lost Afghanistan to the Taliban. Now take Example #2: After successfully
pacifying a region once considered the most dangerous, unpacifiable
region in the world, Chechnya in 2006 announced that it's getting ready
for...get this!... tourist season! Yeah, that's right. Chechnya's Prime
Minister Ramzan Kadyrov is laying out plans to build hotels and
campgrounds linked by bus route countries such as Germany and Belgium.
Schooling Grade: A+. Putin showed the world that a few years of focused
genocide combined with a ruthless semi-puppet strongman equals
stability, peace, and calm. For now, at least. How long will it take the
West to learn this bitter, unpleasant lesson? As long as it takes the
West to get over its denial about itself as an imperial power.
SUBJECT: Political Science 301 (Seminar)
Course Description: As Chirac, Blair and Bush see the lowest ratings of
their long political careers and face the harshest criticism ever in the
twilight years of their political service, President Vladimir
Vladimirovich Putin stands in stark contrast, with over a 70% approval
rating. Yes, Pootie-Poot is still the undisputed political hero of
Russia. Bush should stop looking into his soul, and instead look into
his political playbook. You know what he'd find? That he doesn't
understand a single fucking word. Indeed, Putin's high ratings seem to
rise with the level of criticism he gets from the West for being
undemocratic.
Schooling Grade: A+. This is one lesson the West can't possibly learn.
It's called "giving the people what they want. No matter how savage."
SUBJECT: Urban Studies 32A
Course Description: In the West, illegal immigration and the changing
face of white countries has caused all sorts of backlash, including
"English-only" hot dog stands and city council ordinances, racist
"Minutemen" militia units fake-patrolling the Arizona border, and a few
Congressmen losing their seats. Or in Europe, it's taken the form of the
odd sexually-ambiguous "far-right" party taking another seat or two in a
local city council election. So how does Russia deal with illegal
immigrants? Easy: it deported the entire Georgian population in a week
and shut down all their markets. And once in awhile, it had a pogrom.
That's how you take care of illegal immigrants. If you're not a
bitch-nation, that is.
Schooling Grade: A-. Um...is this particular joke even funny? Oh, right,
yeah. Of course it is. Heh-heh.
SUBJECT: Economics 101
Course Description: For decades, every Russian longed for "valyuti,"
hard currency. They wiped their ass with the ruble, which constantly
sank in value compared to the dollar. And then 2006 came around. That's
George W. Bush's sixth year in office. Which meant, of course, that the
dollar has replaced the ruble as the sick currency of the world. This
year, the ruble rose to its highest level in seven years. Meanwhile, the
Russian economy is posting yet another banner year of growth compared to
America and the EU, and its stock market continues to soar.
Schooling Grade: A. Are we ready yet to admit that we Western expats are
economic refugees living in an increasingly-wealthy Russia?
Note: The report card above was entirely the work of The Exile
Foundation, a non-profit think-tank which only takes funds from private
Moscow strip clubs, as well as any of Doug's great restaurants. However,
that's not to say that we aren't willing to take Kremlin money in return
for promoting Russia. We are. So if anyone from the Kremlin is reading
this article, and they would like us to re-print this "report card" sans
the mordant irony, then please wire the appropriate "gift" to our
off-shore bank accounts in Jersey, and believe us you, there won't be a
shred of irony in the entire newspaper. We're sure you already know our
offshore bank account numbers. So come on, just do it. We await your
recovery from the January zapoi...na zdarove!
TheEnigmaMachine
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/6310883.stm
Yabloko banned...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/6308511.stm
Casinos banned...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/6303223.stm
Looks like Russia is more of a shit hole now than in Soviet times.
Alcoholism, racism, corruption, drugs, tuberculosis, AIDS, eco-terrorism,
hazing, mafia (yes vlad, mafia IS a Russian word)..it's all here in the new
Russia.
"Vladimir Makarenko" <maka...@popmail.med.nyu.edu> wrote in message
news:45BE3EA2...@popmail.med.nyu.edu...
Vladimir Makarenko
Brookski,
Knowing from Iraq war experience your ability to analyze, characterize
and predict -
as long as you are not in Kremlin whispering advice in a grateful ear of
the Gate Keeper, - Russia is OK.
What about Iran Brookskie? Joe Scarborough says that Dick determined not
to leave office without this war.
So you better check your neocon mentors for party line on it.
VM.
TheEnigmaMachine
"Vladimir Makarenko" <maka...@popmail.med.nyu.edu> wrote in message
news:45BE4AAC...@popmail.med.nyu.edu...
>
> Brookski,
>
> Knowing from Iraq war experience your ability to analyze, characterize
> and predict -
> as long as you are not in Kremlin whispering advice in a grateful ear of
> the Gate Keeper, - Russia is OK.
>
> What about Iran Brookskie? Joe Scarborough says that Dick determined not
> to leave office without this war.
> So you better check your neocon mentors for party line on it.
>
> VM.
>
>
Take a pickle and a glass of vodka and call me in the morning.
- Dr. Enigma
P.S. I wish you all the luck with your L.A. porn shop.
Vladimir Makarenko
TheEnigmaMachine wrote:
>
> Speak English. Only MTRP can understand spacealienish.
Brookskie, you should have said: "What the f*** is Iraq? I don't know
what you are talking about!" Last year or so you somehow stopped not
only to explain the imminent victory, but even mentioning the place.
Why don't you sign for National Guard - look, first you'll get a free
trip abroad, and second, the NG insurance will cover your stay in mental
institution afterwards?
VM.
TheEnigmaMachine
>
>
> TheEnigmaMachine wrote:
>>
>> Speak English. Only MTRP can understand spacealienish.
>
> Brookskie, you should have said: "What the f*** is Iraq? I don't know
> what you are talking about!" Last year or so you somehow stopped not
> only to explain the imminent victory, but even mentioning the place.
> Why don't you sign for National Guard - look, first you'll get a free
> trip abroad, and second, the NG insurance will cover your stay in mental
> institution afterwards?
>
> VM.
>
>
No thanks. I heard that you snore.
Vladimir Makarenko
You were lied. Change your bedmate: Go to next trailer.
VM.
TheEnigmaMachine
Why? Your stained bedsheets are there too.
Vladimir Makarenko
TheEnigmaMachine wrote:
>
> "Vladimir Makarenko" <maka...@popmail.med.nyu.edu> wrote in message
> news:45BE6BDE...@popmail.med.nyu.edu...
> >
> >
> > TheEnigmaMachine wrote:
> >>
> >> "Vladimir Makarenko" <maka...@popmail.med.nyu.edu> wrote in message
> >> news:45BE5D52...@popmail.med.nyu.edu...
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > TheEnigmaMachine wrote:
> >> >>
> >> >> Speak English. Only MTRP can understand spacealienish.
> >> >
> >> > Brookskie, you should have said: "What the f*** is Iraq? I don't know
> >> > what you are talking about!" Last year or so you somehow stopped not
> >> > only to explain the imminent victory, but even mentioning the place.
> >> > Why don't you sign for National Guard - look, first you'll get a free
> >> > trip abroad, and second, the NG insurance will cover your stay in
> >> > mental
> >> > institution afterwards?
> >> >
> >> > VM.
> >> >
> >> >
> >>
> >> No thanks. I heard that you snore.
> >
> > You were lied. Change your bedmate: Go to next trailer.
> >
> > VM.
>
> Why? Your stained bedsheets are there too.
Well, just do your usual - use a lavatory as a Laundromat.
VM.
captain.
ex: "Playing up its new role as something like a cross between Bugs Bunny,
the Tasmanian Devil, and P Diddy..."
two cartoon characters and a retard? is that a good thing?
"Vladimir Makarenko" <maka...@popmail.med.nyu.edu> wrote in message
news:45BE3EA2...@popmail.med.nyu.edu...
captain.
they want to. it's their country and none of our business as long as noone
gets hurt...
...but at the same time i also think that the following quote shows what a
f'kn retard luzhkov is:
"The mayor also blamed groups which he said were receiving grants from the
West for spreading what he dismissively referred to as "this kind of
enlightenment" in Russia..."
it's discouraging to see such a high ranking public official spouting such
nonsense. the west is trying to turn all of russia into a bunch of homos.
lol.
"TheEnigmaMachine" <YouCanCa...@WoHochtDieBus.de> wrote in message
news:1trvh.27$wT1...@newsfe09.lga...
captain.
>
> Brookski,
>
> Knowing from Iraq war experience your ability to analyze, characterize
> and predict -
> as long as you are not in Kremlin whispering advice in a grateful ear of
> the Gate Keeper, - Russia is OK.
>
> What about Iran Brookskie? Joe Scarborough says that Dick determined not
> to leave office without this war.
> So you better check your neocon mentors for party line on it.
>
> VM.
>
now iran wants into the action (non-covertly).
http://www.rferl.org/featuresarticle/2007/01/CD6C79B0-2B5B-4655-814E-F040432D1456.html
TheEnigmaMachine
"captain." <spammer...@now.net> wrote in message
news:kHFvh.18608$Fd.7799@edtnps90...
> read this one a while ago. seems kinda silly.
>
> ex: "Playing up its new role as something like a cross between Bugs Bunny,
> the Tasmanian Devil, and P Diddy..."
>
> two cartoon characters and a retard? is that a good thing?
>
>
You mean Karlamov, Makarenko and MTRP?
captain.
"TheEnigmaMachine" <YouCanCa...@WoHochtDieBus.de> wrote in message
hey , what are you doing up so early easterner?
Vladimir Makarenko
> read this one a while ago. seems kinda silly.
>
> ex: "Playing up its new role as something like a cross between Bugs Bunny,
> the Tasmanian Devil, and P Diddy..."
>
> two cartoon characters and a retard? is that a good thing?
P Diddy a retard? Sorry captain, this retard proved to be as good with
managing business and making money as he is with guns.
VM.
TheEnigmaMachine
> captain. wrote:
>
>> read this one a while ago. seems kinda silly.
>>
>> ex: "Playing up its new role as something like a cross between Bugs
>> Bunny, the Tasmanian Devil, and P Diddy..."
>>
>> two cartoon characters and a retard? is that a good thing?
>
> P Diddy a retard? Sorry captain, this retard proved to be as good with
> managing business and making money as he is with guns.
>
> VM.
>
>
Now if you could only manage to lift the toilet seat and not make a mess
?!?!
Vladimir Makarenko
Why would I care - you are cleaning.
VM.
Vladimir Makarenko
> okay, first of all, i do support the right of russians to ban gay parades if
> they want to. it's their country and none of our business as long as noone
> gets hurt...
>
> ...but at the same time i also think that the following quote shows what a
> f'kn retard luzhkov is:
>
> "The mayor also blamed groups which he said were receiving grants from the
> West for spreading what he dismissively referred to as "this kind of
> enlightenment" in Russia..."
>
> it's discouraging to see such a high ranking public official spouting such
> nonsense. the west is trying to turn all of russia into a bunch of homos.
> lol.
It's discouraging because Luzhkov is something new for you. Back there
nobody gives a damn - Luzhkov is a big mouth red neck and when he speaks
people's reaction is "whatever, grandpa, whatever you say" and move on.
He is OK as long as he takes care of the city, everything else just a
pub talk.
VM.
captain.
> captain. wrote:
>
>> okay, first of all, i do support the right of russians to ban gay parades
>> if they want to. it's their country and none of our business as long as
>> noone gets hurt...
>>
>> ...but at the same time i also think that the following quote shows what
>> a f'kn retard luzhkov is:
>>
>> "The mayor also blamed groups which he said were receiving grants from
>> the West for spreading what he dismissively referred to as "this kind of
>> enlightenment" in Russia..."
>>
>> it's discouraging to see such a high ranking public official spouting
>> such nonsense. the west is trying to turn all of russia into a bunch of
>> homos. lol.
>
> It's discouraging because Luzhkov is something new for you. Back there
> nobody gives a damn - Luzhkov is a big mouth red neck and when he speaks
> people's reaction is "whatever, grandpa, whatever you say" and move on. He
> is OK as long as he takes care of the city, everything else just a pub
> talk.
>
> VM.
>
he is the most powerful mayor in russia. certainly more than just a
dedushka.
captain.
> captain. wrote:
>
>> read this one a while ago. seems kinda silly.
>>
>> ex: "Playing up its new role as something like a cross between Bugs
>> Bunny, the Tasmanian Devil, and P Diddy..."
>>
>> two cartoon characters and a retard? is that a good thing?
>
> P Diddy a retard? Sorry captain, this retard proved to be as good with
> managing business and making money as he is with guns.
>
> VM.
>
i'm being totally honest here: if you admire p-diddy, i don't admire you. :)