Nigger Owner's Manual
Michelle Obama
handled properly, your apeman will give years of valuable, if
reluctant, service.
INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER.
You should install your nigger differently according to whether
you have purchased the field or house model. Field niggers work
best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain
your nigger to another nigger immediately after unpacking it,
and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many
niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This
habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud.
House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be
hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this
stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the
same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too
much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-
You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective
names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it
should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call
their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory
are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go
straight over your nigger's head, by the way.
CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER.
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a
tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only a few
basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the
most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping
noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably
call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-
tongued your nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't
hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing
interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their
niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not
the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a
mystery why this is not done on the boat
HOUSING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars.
Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces
of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per
square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger
cage can accommodate two hundred niggers. You can site a nigger
cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your
nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood
and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers
never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now.
In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt
escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is
living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck
niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same
cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
FEEDING YOUR NIGGER.
Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You
should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy
ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on
porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement
its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers,
etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices
through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a
treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has
been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports
that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal
something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he
doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as
a result. You should never allow your nigger meal breaks while
at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it
will need to be retrained. You'd be surprised how long it takes
to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee
beans? Don't even ask.
MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK.
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's
most prominent anatomical feature, after all, its oversized
buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for
your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire
life. Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to
sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work
heading their way. The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger
into working. After installation, encourage it towards the
cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball
bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a
white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your nigger will
then frantically compete with the other field niggers to steal
as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns.
At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and laugh
at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day
indefinitely. Your nigger comes equipped with the standard
nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this
trick overnight. Niggers can start work at around 5 am. You
should then return to bed and come back at around 10 am. Your
niggers can then work through until around 10 pm or whenever the
light fades.
ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play
with it regularly. A happy smiling nigger works best. Games
niggers enjoy include:
1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your nigger's pants
down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other
niggers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nigger will signal
its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing.
2) Lynch the nigger: niggers are cheap
and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now
and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nigger.
Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree,
and niggers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special.
Make your other niggers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll
work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another
one).
You can also lynch your nigger out in the fields, thus saving
work time. Niggers enjoy this game best when played with a man
in a tall white hood.
3) Nigger dragging: Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar
on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at
approximately 50 mph. Your nigger's shrieks of enjoyment will be
heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong
the fun for the nigger, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his
head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nigger, but
spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the
speed limit.
4) Hunt the nigger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played
outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans
bite a nigger, as they are highly toxic.
DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS.
Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40
years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their
niggers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license
number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nigger.
The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.
COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS
MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESSIVE.
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger?
What are we, short of niggers or something?
MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN.
They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it can't reach
them, and arm heavily any White women who go near it.
WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not
likely. If niggers successfully overthrew their owners, they'd
have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nigger
uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).
MY NIGGER BITCHES ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND �RACISM.�
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR
A NIGGER?
A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown
color you can see is the
shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models of nigger
are sold as "The Shitskin".
MY NIGGER ACTS LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd.
IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact,
one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger
in a cage with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon
find it stops acting like a nigger. However, leave it in the
cage and let the niggers dispose of it. The best thing for any
wigger is a dose of TNB (Typical Nigger Behavior.)
MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD.
And you were expecting what?
WHERE SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIGGER?
When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nigger
storage"? That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.
WHERE CAN I BUY A BETTER QUALITY OF NIGGER?
I don�t really understand the question, (�better quality of
nigger��? WTF?)
Werner
> Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new nigger! If
> handled properly, your apeman will give years of valuable, if
> reluctant, service.
>
> INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER.
It's unfortunate, but I guess every society is plagued with jerks like
you.
ne...@millions.com
wrote:
If this bit were read during night club act in the balck community, it
might a tad funny. But it sure would bring tears to the eyes of those
who have experienced somone being dead serious.
I frankly find nothing in piece that even conjurs up a chuckle or a
smile. It's just crap.
Nobody Cares What You Think
"Harry Farkas" <hfa...@wowway.com> wrote in message
news:KdSBm.11780$6q1....@newsfe17.iad...
>
> "Nathan Bedford Forrest" <N...@HOTMAIL.COM> wrote in message
> news:eabfd51cb5o9hp0co...@4ax.com...
>> On Wed, 14 Oct 2009 19:36:10 -0400, "Harry Farkas"
>> <hfa...@wowway.com> wrote:
>>
>>>I hope you choke on your own vomit.
>>
>>
>> You object to him exposing your relatives ?
>
> Well yeah, I don't want my relatives exposed to overtly offensive racist
> bullshit passing as humor.
>
> --
> Harry Farkas
> ***************
Those same relatives probably don't want to claim a stick up the ass like
you either.