The Declaration of Independence in Ebonics

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Thomas Jefferson

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Jan 2, 1997, 3:00:00 AM1/2/97
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The Declaration of Independence in Ebonics

(with apologies to H.L. Mencken)

When things get so fucked up dat de homeboys of a country gots to cut
loose from some other country, and go it on dere own hook, without
askin’ no permission from nobody, exceptin’ maybe God Almighty, den dey
oughtta let eberybody know why dey do it, so dat everybody can see dey
ain’t tryin’ to put nuttin’ over on nobody.
All we gots to say on dis proposition is dis: first, me and you is as
good as anybody else, and maybe a damn sight better; second, nobody
ain’t gots no right to take away none o’ our rights; third, ebery
homeboy has gots a right to live, to come and go as he please, and to
hab a good time whicheber way he like, so long as he don’t interfere
with nobody else. Dat any gubmint dat don’t gib a homeboy dem rights
ain’t worth a fuck; also, homeboys oughts to choose the kind of gubmint
dey want demself, and nobody else ought to hab no say in de matter. Dat
wheneber any gubmint don’t do this, den de homeboys hab got a right to
gib it the bum’s rush and put in one dat will take care ob dere
interests. Ob course, dat don’t mean habin’ a rebolution every day like
dem South American motherfuckers, or ebry time some jobholder goes to
work and does somethin’ he ain’t gots no bidness to do. It is better to
stand a little graft, etc., den to hab rebolutions all de time, like any
homeboy dat wasn’t an anarchist or one of dem I.W.W.’s would say de
same. But when things gets so bad dat a homeboy ain’t hardly got no
rights at all no mo’, but you might almost call him a slave, den
everybody oughts to get together and throw de motherfuckers out, and put
in new ones who won’t carry on so high and steal so much, and den watch
dem. Dis is de proposition de people of dese Colonies is up against, and
dey hab gots tired of it, and won’t stand it no mo’. De administration
of de present King, George III, been rotten from de start, and when
anybody kick about it he always try to get away with it by strong-arm
work. Here be some of de shit he pull:
He veto bills in de Legislature dat everybody was fo’, and hardly
nobody was against.
He wouldn’t allow no law to be pass without it was first put up to
him, and den he stick it in his pocket and let on he forget about it,
and didn’t pay attention to no kicks.
When homeboys went to work and gone to him and ask him to put through
a law about dis or dat, he give them dere choice: either dey has to shut
down de Legislature and let him pass it all by hisself, or dey couldn’t
hab it at all.
He make de Legislature meet at one-horse tank-towns, so dat hardly
nobody could get dere and most ob the leaders would stay home and let
him go to work and do things like he wanted.
He give the Legislature de air, and sent de members home ebery time
dey stood up to him and gib him a call-down or bawl him out.
When a Legislature was busted up he wouldn’t allow no new one to be
elected, so dat dere wasn’t nobody left to run things, but anybody could
walk in and do whatever dey please.
He try to scare people outen movin’ into dese States, and make it so
hard for a wop or one of dese here kikes to get his papers dat he would
rather stay home and not try it, and den, when he come in, he wouldn’t
let him hab no land, and so he either go home again or neber come.
He monkey with de courts, and didn’t hire enough judges to do de work,
and so a man had to wait so long for his case to come up dat he got sick
ob waiting, and went home, and so neber got what be comin’ to him.
He get de judges under his thumb by turning dem out when dey done
anything he didn’t like, or by holdin’ up dey salaries, so dat dey had
to knuckle down or not gets no money.
He make a lot o’ new jobs, and gib dem to motherfuckers dat nobody
know nothin’ about, and de poor people had to pay de bill, whether they
could or not.
Without no war goin’ on, he keep an army loafin’ around de country, no
matter how much homeboys kicked about it.
He let de army run things to suit theyself and never pay no attention
whatsoever to nobody which didn’t wear no uniform.
He let motherfuckers run loose, from God know where, and gib dem de
say in eberything, and let dem put ober such things as de following:
Making po’ homeboys board and lodge a lot of soldiers dey ain’t gots
no use fo’, and don’t wan’t to see loafing around.
When de soldiers kill a homeboy, framing it up so dat dey would get
off.
Interfering with bidness.
Makin’ us pay taxes without askin’ us whether we thought de things we
had to pay taxes fo’ was somethin’ dat was worth payin’ taxes fo’ or
not.
When a homeboy be arrested and ask for a jury trial, not lettin’ him
hab no jury trial.
Chasin’ homeboys out of de country, without bein’ guilty of nothin’,
and tryin’ dem somewheres else for what dey done here.
In countries dat border us, he put in bum gubmints, and den tried to
spread dem out, so dat by and by dey would take in dis country too, or
make our own gubmint as bum as they was.
He never pay no attention whatever to the Constitution, but he go to
work and repeal laws dat everybody be satisfied with and hardly nobody
be against, and try to fix the gubmint so dat he could do whatever he
please.
He bust up de Legislatures and let on he could do all the work better
by hisself.
Now he wash his hands ob us and eben go to work and declare war on us,
so we don’t owe him shit, and whateber authority he ever hab he ain’t
gots no mo’.
He burn down towns, shoot down homeboys like dogs, and raise hell
against us out on de ocean.
He hire whole regiments of Dutch, etc., to fight us, and told dem dey
could hab anything dey wanted if dey could take it away from us, and
sicked dese Dutch, etc., on us.
He grab our own people when he find dem in ships on de ocean, and
shove guns into dey hands, and make dem fight against us, no matter how
much dey didn’t want to.
He stir up de Indians, and give dem arms and ammunition, and told dem
to go to it, and dey have killed men, women, and children, and don’t
care which.
Ebery time he has went to work and pulled any of dese things, we have
went to work and put in a kick, but ebery time we hab went to work and
put in a kick he has went to work and did it again. When a homeboy keep
on handing out such bullshit all de time, all you can say is dat he
ain’t got no class and ain’t fitten to hab no authority ober homeboys
who hab got any rights, and he ought to be kicked out.
When we complain to the English we didn’t get no mo’ satisfaction.
Almost every day we gives dem plenty o’ warnin’ dat de politicians over
dere was doin’ things to us dat dey didn’t hab no right to do. We kept
on remindin’ dem who we was, and what we was doin’ here, and how we come
to come here. We ask them to get us a square deal, and tell dem dat if
dis thing keep on we’d have to do somethin’ about it and maybe dey
wouldn’t like it. But de more we talk, de more dey didn’t pay no
attention to us. Derefore, if dey ain’t fo’ us dey must be agin us, and
we be ready to gib dem de fight o’ dere lives, or to shake hands when it
be over.
Therefore be it resolved, That we, de representatives of de homeboys
of de United States of America, in Congress assembled, hereby declare as
follows: Dat de United States, which be de United Colonies in former
times, be now a free country, and ought to be; dat we have throwed out
de English King and don’t wan’t to hab nothin’ to do with him no mo’,
and ain’t takin’ no mo’ English orders no mo’; and dat, being as we be
now a free country, we can do anything dat free countries can do,
especially declare war, make peace, sign treaties, go into business,
etc., And we swear on de Bible on dis proposition, one and all, and
agree to stick to it no matter what happen, whether we win or we lose,
and whether we get away with it or get de worst ob it, no matter whether
we lose all our property by it or eben get hung fo’ it.

Arthur Clemons

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Jan 2, 1997, 3:00:00 AM1/2/97
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Thomas Jefferson <thom...@earthlink.net> wrote in article
<32CC90...@earthlink.net>...
snipped irrelvant indication that olde Unca' Thom is bout half way to being
a wit.

For Kenny Crudup, you know, AOL's newsreader does have one advantage over
others like the MSIE news reader, in that it actually shows the path of the
folks who post. Of course that could be confusing too.


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