In love with woman with intercultural baby! HELP
Thierryqt
situation, especially from those of you who have or are experiencieng what I am
going through.
I am a french male, 29 and has been living in the US for about 8 years now. I
am college educated with advanced business degrees and married to an American
woman for 4 years now. I have no family in the US except my wife.
My wife and I have been going through some tough times together but have always
managed to deal with anything coming our way, After a couple of years of
marriage, things started to change, she would not be as interested in me as she
used to, would put on extra weight, stop being feminine..pretty much took
everything for granted. I talked to her about it, hoping that she would change.
Nothing has changed and I would say the marriage has worsened in many ways. I
started to go to chatrooms and talked to some women (both single and married).
Over the last few years, I have met a few in person for a drink but it never
went further. I realized what i was doing was wrong and focused even more on my
wife, who I felt did not commit at all to the relationship. I did not go online
for almost 1 year.
About 2 months ago, I went in a chatroom and started to a woman who lives in my
city. We seemed to have a lot of common and were both very honest and upfront
about our current situations. She is 25, single with a 3-year-old child. We
kept seeing each other more and more and we quickly fell in love with each
other. About 2 weeks ago, there was a possibility that she might be pregnant
but it turned out she is not. She told me she is madly in love with me and I
feel the same way about her.
I am about to leave my wife for this woman as I feel I now have the guts to
tell her I don't want to stay in a relationship where I am not happy. My wife,
I believe, thinks almost everything is fine between us, even though we have not
had sex for 2+ months. She keeps pressuring me on having a baby with her but I
don't want to have a baby with someone I don't love and stay with her just
because of the baby.
I found out today that the "other woman"'s baby is mixed as the father is
African-American. She is very white and the kid mixed. She has full custody of
the kid with the father totally out of the picture.
I want to be with her so much but at the same time still care about my wife and
don't want to hurt her.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated
Thanks for your help.
Roger Jackson
relationship. I have plenty of experience with the latter, but none with the
former. This is a matter for your conscience.
Roger
Thierryqt wrote:
--
Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing
that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming. -John
Wooden, basketball coach, UCLA (1948-75)
Rose Sonenthal
have been unfaithful too. What about her feelings? As a married woman, I
feel it's in bad taste to you to portray yourself as the victim. You cheated
on her!!! You really should have been honest with your wife, if you were
unhappy. I hope she takes you for all you're worth!!
Rose
BTW, you did ask for "my" opinion
Thierryqt <thie...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:19990922235308...@ng-fp1.aol.com...
CBMan
thie...@aol.com (Thierryqt) wrote:
> Let me start by saying that I would appreciate anyone's opinion on my
> situation, especially from those of you who have or are experiencieng
what I am
> going through.
<snip self-centered sob-story>
In my opinion you should have divorced your wife before you started
sleeping around. What does your gf's kid's skin color have to do with
anything?
--
Checkerboard Man
I don't define "my own" the way you want me to.
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Share what you know. Learn what you don't.
Fabulana
>
> First of all, you have nerve to ask for advice about leaving a wife you
> have been unfaithful too. What about her feelings? As a married woman, I
> feel it's in bad taste to you to portray yourself as the victim. You cheated
> on her!!! You really should have been honest with your wife, if you were
> unhappy. I hope she takes you for all you're worth!!
>
> Rose
Good call, Rose. Cheating has nothing to do with intercultural
relationships. This guy is a weasel with the nerve to whine about it.
Notice how he blames the deterioration of the relationship on her lack
of "femininity".
I'm sure Date #2 (pregnant from another lover!) would make a great mate.
You get right on it, Thierry. You're a man of taste. Good luck.
-Fabulana
> BTW, you did ask for "my" opinion
> Thierryqt <thie...@aol.com> wrote in message
> news:19990922235308...@ng-fp1.aol.com...
> > Let me start by saying that I would appreciate anyone's opinion on my
> > situation, especially from those of you who have or are experiencieng what
> I am
> > going through.
> >
Freddy Engels
do with "identity questions." Just be a good father to your step-son.
Freddy Engels
Freddy Engels
It's standard fair on this newsgroup. They're pissed because
your new partner had a baby from a black guy.
Freddy Engels
Fabulana wrote:
> Rose Sonenthal wrote:
> >
> > First of all, you have nerve to ask for advice about leaving a wife you
> > have been unfaithful too. What about her feelings? As a married woman, I
> > feel it's in bad taste to you to portray yourself as the victim. You cheated
> > on her!!! You really should have been honest with your wife, if you were
> > unhappy. I hope she takes you for all you're worth!!
> >
> > Rose
>
> Good call, Rose. Cheating has nothing to do with intercultural
> relationships. This guy is a weasel with the nerve to whine about it.
> Notice how he blames the deterioration of the relationship on her lack
> of "femininity".
>
> I'm sure Date #2 (pregnant from another lover!) would make a great mate.
> You get right on it, Thierry. You're a man of taste. Good luck.
>
> -Fabulana
>
> > BTW, you did ask for "my" opinion
> > Thierryqt <thie...@aol.com> wrote in message
> > news:19990922235308...@ng-fp1.aol.com...
Roger Jackson
You're missing the point, babe. The bi-racial baby has nothing to do with this.
This guy wants us to validate his cheating on his wife. He never asked anything
aboiut how the baby would be raised, what the implications of fatherhood would be
... nothing. I suggested he examine his conscience, because he has to come to terms
with the fact that he's a cheater, pure and simple.
Roger
Freddy Engels wrote:
--
Paul Little
your own making, as my dear mother would say you reap what you sow.
Remember if you can cheat on your wife, your gf can cheat on you. Love has
nothing to do with it, Respect has every thing to do with it. RESPECT
RESPECT RESPECT.
Thierryqt wrote in message <19990922235308...@ng-fp1.aol.com>...
Rose Sonenthal
"Black" woman would never be so desperate as to EVEN consider a guy like you
to spit clean her shoes...and btw, where is your wife? As for Black
guys...love them...why should I be upset that she has a baby for one?
Honestly Freddy, your overwhelming ignorance is showing again...
Rose
Freddy Engels <eng...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:37EA6CE7...@hotmail.com...
Steph
Guys - everyone - this IS INTERCULTURAL indeed. I have to tell you all that
there is probably more difference between WHITE FRENCH FOLK and WHITE
AMERICAN FOLK than between WHITE and BLACK AMERICANS. Culturally speaking
only , but unfortunately for too many people on this planet colour offers
the ultimate answer to so many questions...
Actually, the problem is contextual in nature.
OK guys let me introduce you all to a thing called CULTURE and ETHICS. Now,
that thing differs from a country to a country, one environment to another,
one family to another, one person to another.
You've all started throwing stones at this guy, no matter how dumb a thing
he did, just because he got a slightly differently orientated newsgroup and
his views on this world differ from yours, except for that Engels guy who
started throwing rocks on the black women instead. What an intellectual
start to a conversation...
Now, why don't we let the dr. Culture try to dwelve deep into the
complicated set of circumstances surrounding this lovely but unhappy case
in the Hollywood sense (and it is great great wonderful for counseling, but
the restofya folks are just not uptoit or willing, apparently).
Sorry Thierry if I make any stereotypized assumptions and that sort of
thing, it is for your own good in this case, even if not provable in its
entirety.
> Let me start by saying that I would appreciate anyone's opinion on my
> situation, especially from those of you who have or are experiencieng
what I am
> going through.
This is not a common situation, I don't think you'll get many "I know how
you feel" responses.
> I am a french male,
French = more statistically promiscuous than american. This is a fact. It
is cultural, and normal for that environment. This woman should have known
it.
29 and has been living in the US for about 8 years now.
You are mostly french allright. A personality and one's sense of ethics is
mostly formed by the age of 21, when you came to the States.
I
> am college educated with advanced business degrees
Advanced business grad. Hmmm. I am a business grad too. This is not a good
sign. The last thing they teach you in a business school is ethics and
morality. Those are hardly considered issues there. And human suffering
isn't one either.
> and married to an American
> woman for 4 years now.
Four years is a relatively long time.
> My wife and I have been going through some tough times together but have
always
> managed to deal with anything coming our way.
This didn't sound good. Too early for this sort of thing.
> After a couple of years of
> marriage, things started to change, she would not be as interested in me
as she
> used to, would put on extra weight, stop being feminine
Ah, this is European honesty down to level 0. I love it like that. Thierry,
you put the dot on I. In an urban french environment, it is a known fact
that the chances of a hubby (or a wife) having an EM affair are pretty damn
high even if the partner keeps a bloody good care of themselves. And in
America, this is much less of an issue. Furthermore, the percentage of
obeisity in Europe, especially those "figure sensitive" environments, such
as France, Italy etc is much much lower than in the USA. Married women and
men just tend to put more weight on faster, coz they feel comfortable like
that, and they watch more TV. Europe is much less tolerant towards this, as
unfair as it is. She was not feminine anymore, that is exactly what
happened IN YOUR EYES.
..pretty much took
> everything for granted. I talked to her about it, hoping that she would
change.
> Nothing has changed
This is the point where you should have been open and honest to her, and
told her that life (especially with a weight-discriminating euro boy) is
not an Oprah episode, the weight and figure just DO count for some people,
e.g. yourself.
> and I would say the marriage has worsened in many ways. I
> started to go to chatrooms and talked to some women (both single and
married).
> Over the last few years, I have met a few in person for a drink but it
never
> went further. I realized what i was doing was wrong and focused even more
on my
> wife, who I felt did not commit at all to the relationship.
From what I am hearing, neither of you were that fanatical about trying to
repair the things in any serious way.
I did not go online
> for almost 1 year.
>
> About 2 months ago, I went in a chatroom and started to a woman who lives
in my
> city. We seemed to have a lot of common and were both very honest and
upfront
> about our current situations. She is 25, single with a 3-year-old child.
She is apparently not that clever either. Going for an adulterous man
leaves little assurance that he wouldn't do it again, this time behind HER
back.
> We
> kept seeing each other more and more and we quickly fell in love with
each
> other. About 2 weeks ago, there was a possibility that she might be
pregnant
> but it turned out she is not. She told me she is madly in love with me
and I
> feel the same way about her.
>
> I am about to leave my wife for this woman as I feel I now have the guts
to
> tell her I don't want to stay in a relationship where I am not happy.
You should have done it before. I bet it aint that easy now. But, right,
lets see...
My wife,
> I believe, thinks almost everything is fine between us, even though we
have not
> had sex for 2+ months.
If you are telling the truth, this marriage was lost indeed.
> She keeps pressuring me on having a baby with her but I
> don't want to have a baby with someone I don't love and stay with her
just
> because of the baby.
You are right. Don't you think she can feel she is losing her man? I think
your wife still loves you. She sounds like a good woman, and you don't
sound like a man who could have understood her. Women react to adversity
differently from what we'd expect, and different women react in different
ways. Sometimes they express their insecurity by various forms of
defaitism, escape and by being intimidated by the whole thing rather then
by investing more effort, what u might have expected. I have an intuitive
feeling that she was not the only one to blame for the cooling down of the
emotional interaction btwn the 2 of U. But she certainly wasn't able to
understand you either. I also wonder how you ended up together in the first
place.
> I found out today that the "other woman"'s baby is mixed as the father is
> African-American. She is very white and the kid mixed. She has full
custody of
> the kid with the father totally out of the picture.
The complexion of the kid really has nothing to do with it all. Are you
saying you think it does?
> I want to be with her so much but at the same time still care about my
wife and
> don't want to hurt her.
I don't think there is an escape from it now. If you cared for your wife
enough, you wouldn't do what you did. And if she cared about you enough,
she would have probably put more effort in listening to what you were
saying, provided that what you said here was all correct. In any case, it
looks to me like the marriage is coming to its end. Every night you spend
cheating on your wife now is completely degrading to both of you. There
will definitely be some hurting, but it is your duty, as the guy who has
cheated on her (lets face it), to get your s*it together and put it in some
presentable form as not to make her want to look for the hanging rope the
minute you pack up your things and go. And I would definitely not advise
any last minute decisions to try make a comeback by introducing a kid into
the fading marriage. This would be a sentence to the unborn child, I hope
you will not let yourslf fall that low.
Be kind to your wife. Tell her that you are scum and that you never
deserved her in the first place. Tell her that you know she has some
qualities you would never be able to apreciate. Degrade yourself to
facelessness, because even without it you will hurt her terribly, and that
is not what she deserved. Make her feel like a victim.
Then tell her that you have done a terrible thing. Tell her that you have
cheated on her. Tell her you even managed to fall in love with that other
lady, the cheap bastard that you are. Tell her that she didn't deserve
this, and that it was all YOUR fault ONLY. Tell her also that you feel that
after all of this there would be no point in trying to recover anything
from the ruins that your anxieties laid. Ask her for forgiveness, many
times, but tell her that you don't feel you have any good remaining after
all of this to share it with her. Tell her that she deserves a man better
than you.
She will hate your guts. The more she hates you the less she will hate
herself. Please make her hate you as much as possible. That will hopefully
give her the strength to get over this without a major breakdown.
> Any advice will be greatly appreciated
>
> Thanks for your help.
no problems.
Stef
And one more thing, please. If the thing with this new girl really works
out, try to communicate a bit more and perhaps differently. And if you have
any problems with black people in general, please break the relationship as
soon as possible. No one deserves a bad stepfather either.
MetaPhyzx
<ukr...@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
> First of all, you have nerve to ask for advice about leaving a wife you
> have been unfaithful too. What about her feelings? As a married woman, I
> feel it's in bad taste to you to portray yourself as the victim. You cheated
> on her!!! You really should have been honest with your wife, if you were
> unhappy. I hope she takes you for all you're worth!!
>
> Rose
>
Not nice, rose.. ours is really not to pass judgement, but to provide a
solution. And if we can't do that, then we're no better than people who
condemn intercultural relationships..
--
MetaPhyzx
E-mail: aphr...@apk.net
WWW: http://junior.apk.net/~tehen
"Macrocosmic, Micromaster..."