Critique my essay
Daniel Ng Kheng Hiong
Hi,
I am a student in Singapore, hoping to apply to the States this year. It
is important for me to have someone from America to read my essay. Take a
look and tell me what you think. Please igore the UK English spelling.
Thanks
Daniel.
The Joys of a Wedding in the Block
The beating of drums announced the arrival of the bridegroom. A group of
teenagers, dressed in traditional Malay costumes, holding a drum (known as
a kompang) each in their hands, beat the drums to different rhythms and
different pitches, slowly singing a Malay chant. Flanking the bridegroom,
dressed in a gold-coloured shirt and a shiny green sarong (imagine a longer
version of the Scottish kilt, reaching down to one's ankles), were two
girls, each holding a pole with a pineapple stuck on top. Stuck into each
pineapple were long sticks of colourful thistle. No pineapple had ever
looked better. However, by the end of the day, they can expect to be bald,
their trimmings having been taken by children for use as fencing sticks.
For a short moment of about five minutes, my entire apartment block was
filled with the voices of the young Malay children in the wedding
procession. My Malay neighbour, who lived on the first floor, is having a
wedding. His daughter was getting married. After days of preparations, the
bridegroom has finally arrived. Even in modern Singapore, Malay weddings
retain their traditional aspects. Unlike the Chinese majority who prefer to
bundle into air-conditioned restaurants, and settle the entire affair with
a grand ten-course Chinese dinner, Malays prefer to hold their wedding
banquets at home and cook for their own guests.
It is hard for the residents of the block not to be involved in the
wedding. A gigantic tent was set up right beside the block, where the
wedding banquet is to be held. My neighbour did all their cooking at home.
Right in front of my mailbox on the first floor was a big pot of chilli
paste. When I left the block for a jog yesterday, a Malay woman was frying
something over an open stove on the steps of my block. Opposite her, seated
around a bench were another four Malay woman, slowly peeling onions while
they chatted. By the time I got back, the onions were already done, but the
woman was still frying over her stove. By then, the oil has already turned
black.
One wonders where all these middle aged Malay women come from. They are
actually relatives of my neighbour. For these two days, his entire extended
family has descended upon his apartment, cooking, washing, planning,
talking etc. The children dominated the playground downstairs, playing
until about 11 o'clock at night.
Everything is done on a grand scale. Curry is left to simmer overnight in
huge pots about 80cm in diameter. There were stacks and stacks of egg
trays. The cooking was done outdoors, so the smell of the food eventually
floated upstairs to my tenth floor apartment. A man grilled satay, Malay
meat kebabs, over an open air charcoal stove non-stop for almost three
hours. From my kitchen window, I stared down at brigades of relatives
washing huge basins of utensils. Huge baskets of unadorned pineapples laid
on the grass, waiting to be chopped up and boiled into a puree.
Despite the organisation behind it, the wedding banquet itself was a
terribly disorganised affair. The guests arrived as and when they liked.
This meant the newly wedded couple had to sit on decorative chairs in the
wedding tent for the entire afternoon, trying to look as fresh and as
beautiful as they were in the morning. As they arrive, the guests would be
served with the food. There were no waiters or waitresses, the cousins of
the bride served the role. Others cleaned the utensils, welcomed the
guests, and gave out souvenirs, a nicely packaged hard boiled egg.
Wedding entertainment came in the form of a live band, playing the top
hits of Malay pop. For the entire afternoon, residents of my block,
including my family, were treated with a live surround sound concert. Of
course we tolerated the entire affair. Malay weddings, despite their scale
and noise, provide a colourful spectacle for residents on a Sunday
afternoon. When this incongruous mix of the traditional and modern is over,
the only sign that there was a wedding would the burnt patches of grass
where the pots of curry once simmered two nights ago. If you are lucky you
might just find two very bruised and battered pineapples which had fallen
from grace.
Steve Gordon
In article <01bce7a1$a78fc7a0$4cb215a5@yrjqyhia>, "Daniel Ng Kheng Hiong"
<nkh...@mbox3.singnet.com.sg> wrote:
> Hi,
> I am a student in Singapore, hoping to apply to the States this
year. It
> is important for me to have someone from America to read my essay. Take a
> look and tell me what you think. Please igore the UK English spelling.
> Thanks
> Daniel.
> The Joys of a Wedding in the Block
>
> The beating of drums announced the arrival of the bridegroom. A group of
> teenagers, dressed in traditional Malay costumes, holding a drum (known as
> a kompang) each in their hands, beat the drums to different rhythms and
> different pitches, slowly singing a Malay chant. Flanking the bridegroom,
> dressed in a gold-coloured shirt and a shiny green sarong (imagine a longer
> version of the Scottish kilt, reaching down to one's ankles), were two
> girls, each holding a pole with a pineapple stuck on top.
(most essay deleted)
U.S. college admnissions committees generally expect an applicant's essay
to describe and reveal the applicant's personal aspirations, character,
and background (in addition to demonstrating English writing ability). The
college wants to know what an applicant would contribute to the learning
and social atmosphere on campus. Your essay is a cultural description of
your observations but as a person you're almost invisible. Admissions
readers would learn very little about you personally and thus the essay
seems very inappropriate for application purposes.
Philistin9
A beautiful account, to be sure, but although I know much about Malay weddings
now, I still don't have a clearer picture of this Daniel Ng character.
Tara
Daniel, how can we criticise your essay if you don't tell us what the
question was, and which university you're applying to?
Daniel Ng Kheng Hiong <nkh...@mbox3.singnet.com.sg> wrote in article
<01bce7a1$a78fc7a0$4cb215a5@yrjqyhia>...
Macabre79
>Whenever a wedding occurs, a myriad of activities takes place, which
>is open to anyone and everyone.
A stylistic piece of advice--avoid usage of the word "myriad" or "plethora". I
showed an admissions officer from Whitman my essay, and he pointed out
"myriad" in my essay and said that it is primarily used by students who wish
to impress officers by thinking up fancy ways to say "many" or "a lot."
Song Yee Jiun
I think it speaks little of yourself.
A.n.G.i.E.
Well Daniel, you are totally wrong. Whether there is a specific
quesition or not, it all boils down to one thing. The college
wants to know more about YOU, what makes you so special and
unique that will help them to distinguish you among many
qualified applicants.
Daniel Ng Kheng Hiong wrote:
> There is no specific question except to write on anything that
> springs from
> the imagination.
