Good Morning all!

[Juliette]

This is one of these days that for some reason I woke up early. In a
way, I always wake up to see that my kids are leaving for school and
nobody got too attached to the bed that will miss classes, but I
continue sleeping a little bit more. Today I wasn't tired so I decided
to come to my computer for a bit. I don't eat breakfast because it
makes me sick. I just have a cup of coffee that is kind of a lie to my
body because it's just drops of coffee with a cup of hot water. The
doctor told me years ago that my heart needed a break, so I decided to
do it this way and I can drink many cups during the day and by the end
of the day I only drank less than a cup. Around one is when my body
allows me to eat something usually, but I love pineapple! you had an
awesome breakfast Michael! This year I had found several offers in
pineapples, not being more than $1,99 so I was able to eat lots during
the summer. I still have one unopened.
I had forgotten about the Green Miles...that is an awesome movie! I
think I saw it more than 20 times! All movies that are about healers
and healing I don't miss. I consider myself a light worker if anybody
knows something about it. I have my own point of view about Jesus and
his real messages to the world. Plus the other movies that you
mentioned I had also seen them. I loved Avatar, I'm so waiting for the
second part! and again I share the taste in music with you, because I
do hear movies music like these ones. I have tons of new age
preferences, it's just that Enigma is my favorite because each song is
different and touches my heart in a different way. I usually say that
in the list of songs that I hear from them, when I play it, I just
hear the appropriate song for the mood I have that day. The others are
as if they aren't in the list.
In these days I feel very out of focus, I can't have things done in
the way I need them to be. I have some bills to pay and I have things
to solve before December, yet everything gets postponed for the next
day. Is as if when I want to stand up and walk, something stops me in
my tracks and I can't go on. There are urgent matters and they are
getting piled up. I think that this one could be one of the reasons
that made me get up early. Anxiety. The sense of not accomplishment.
I"m stuck with money and that also makes me feel uneasy. But I forgive
myself because I had to take care of things that weren't in my agenda
and I have one more day to go until one issue that is very important
for me gets solved. After that I may be able to focus more, or
less...it depends on the outcome. I don't like to wait because I get
too anxious but there is nothing I can do at this time. So I will give
myself a break to let my mind wonder, write in this awesome group
sharing my thoughts when I can concentrate in words until tomorrow
comes. I can't play my games in facebook right now, I can't even
concentrate in those. It will help me a lot to be able to read some
more. I do hope that the other members of the group can come and share
their world with Michael and me. I'm pretty sure that you all are very
interesting people and who knows how much I can learn from all of you!
I'm very happy when new things come to my life because there is always
a mystery to unfold. And in this case I feel very comfortable because
I won't be in fear of being judged or stopped with what I want or need
to say. But it makes me a little uneasy to see the group as open as it
is, like if I leave the door open in my house and everybody can come
and go without me not knowing that they were here.
And yes, my doors are always open in my house. Everybody just comes
because I can't go to the door every time somebody comes and the
knocking makes my heart jump, so people come and go, but I always now
who it is because of the voices if I'm upstairs or if I'm in my
computer I can see them directly. I usually can distinguish voices or
noises. I always thought that in another life I must have been blind!
I have senses developed that shouldn't be there.
Now that I remember, I saw the Helen Keller movie long, long time ago
and I loved it. I admired her teacher, and her own courage to jump the
obstacles of her life. She was a great inspiration for me when I was a
child.
Strong women had always been an inspiration for me because I needed to
be strong. When I was little and a teenager I had no voice, I was
mute. All kids made fun of my feet and I felt isolated. I was always
an observer. I saw them playing, talking...but I was always alone
watching the world around me. My father was a scientist and sometimes
he had to travel. When his placements were for a long time, he would
take us with him. One of his placements was Dallas, Texas. In that
country I learned English when I was 9 years old. I was very welcomed,
nobody made fun of me and I swore at that time that one day I will
settle in there. I loved the language, people not caring about how I
dressed or what I did...nobody pointing at me. And I carried that
thought with me all the time. In my 20's I went back to study in a
College, but life brought me to Canada and I liked it better here.
Through time I taught myself to speak and to be less afraid, yet I can
do it through writing mostly. I'm a person that usually trusts
everybody and don't have a problem to unfold my life and thoughts. I'm
still uneasy when I see that people judge me without knowing me. I
think that that is unfair because I know that I'm special as every
human being is and that I have a good heart. I know that I'm not
gifted, yet I consider myself smart and I have huge knowledge that I
enjoy sharing, but I feel that the world is deaf. I have a profession
that it's not fully understood by everybody still and that I'm unable
to share with others. The other ODSP list made a huge damage to my
self esteem and made me feel more isolated. Nobody knew how strong I
had to be to be able to talk to others and how much damaged has been
done to me as an isolated child. I wonder if they realize that their
attitude can make a disabled person feel that bad inside.
It was a place in which I should had find support, to help me cope
with who I am, yet it was a cold and dark place. Many times tears run
through my cheeks, especially with that person that told me I would
have a friend forever and it was a lie. Just remembering brings tears
to my eyes again. I can't survive in a cold place. All my life I just
wanted love and acceptance from others. And yes, I do consider myself
special, and I do consider myself of value. But I'm highly sensitive
and just one word or no words can break my heart. That's why isolation
sometimes is my safe place because I know that nobody will make me
cry. Nothing that I said was welcomed. Sometimes I found news that
could have helped us all but nobody was interested. Or tips, or an
address...my disabilities were enhanced there.
It feels good to had found a safe port in here, but still I'm uneasy
about the openness. Maybe I need time to adjust. Maybe I'm stepping in
what it should be. Everything opened without shadows, the world would
be a better place to live. Yet I wonder, is the world prepared for
something like this? I know that is not yet prepared for who I am or
what I believe in. As a consolation I could say that many around the
world have awakened already so who knows, maybe the changes will come
sooner than I expect. For now I just share some thoughts so people
doesn't see me as a weired person and I'm able to come out of my shell
a little bit.
Today my heart is uneasy...I feel sadness and anxiety...I wish that
tomorrow would come fast.
But it's good for me to talk about it, it helps me recover my smile.
One of my kids is heartbroken because he had a girlfriend for two
years and they just broke up, so he has to see me happy and
supportive. I need my strength back. The kitchen is a mess and I have
to focus and have lunch ready for everybody.
Tomorrow I won't be here in the morning, I have a trip to a farm.
Potatoes, broccoli, cauliflower and maybe other vegetables will be
available. A friend will pick us up and I will be able to go and live
the extras in the food bank. I'm thrilled thinking that I will be able
to gift others with what we get. Food banks always have a smile and
are very welcoming when I bring something. And they help me when I
don't have. So I feel more comfortable to ask them when I need,
because I had given when I could.
I wish all of you were near me so I could share with you also.
I have to stop writing, my kitchen is yelling at me :) my kids will be
here soon and they only have some minutes before the last two classes,
they need to have something to eat.
So for now I will say goodbye and I hope that when I come back I will
see more people and lots of things to read :). I will throw my
thoughts to the Universe to make them come true :).
Good day for all of you! peace and light inside your hearts. Juliette.
(sorry if there are mistakes, I don't have time to read what I wrote)