This is a bit disturbing, but expression is a giant healer, so here it goes...
I was seeing shadow people running around. I was renting a room in someone's apartment. I thought the shadows were intruders, and they were, but not from this dimension. I chased them with a weapon. They ran way too fast. I cornered one, but it was hiding behind a door. I aimed and got ready for confrontation. "Who's there?" I asked.
"It's me, Anonymous." It was one of the people I was living with in the apartment. Dread hit me, I'm not a violent person, I was chasing an intruder, and it turned into someone I lived with. This was a real problem. I had to stop my brain before I do some damage. I knew what I had to do, I had this plan.
I was sad from that because I was confused, I didn't want to die. I had been screaming multiple times in my sleep for a month, and then I was chasing things that weren't there. I had to go out to buy as much wine as I could so I could go through with this. Fortunately, I was a happy drunk. I went out and bout 3 liters of wine, and took a few hours to drink it all the next day.
I wasn't drunk enough to go through with it, so I decided to buy more wine. I didn't like the taste of the other stuff. When I turned on my car, I thought, hmm, if I drink and drive, I'll probably hurt someone. The goal is to stop my brain, I'm a peaceful man. Then I had a bright idea, 'I'll get high off the exhaust fumes, and I'll die at the same time." So I went to start inhale carbon monoxide. Little did I know, I'd black out before it hits me too hard. I can't remember anything after I blacked out. Someone told me after I returned from the mental institution that there was a crowd watching. She said I was singing on top of my car, "I don't want to die, I don't want to die, but I have to." I made a song out of it?
She said I was ambulanced to the hospital after that. I could barely think. The carbon monoxide killed a lot of brain cells. Decades after the incident, I still haven't recovered much, but thanks to peer services, especially One Mind Restoration, I learned how to start thinking.
I want to share with One Mind Restoration that I had little help to recover from the carbon monoxide. The fact that I thought I had to die wasn't there anymore. The region of my brain that was producing the shadows and the shocks in my sleep went dormant for the next few years. During that time, I built up my faith to know how to deal with them once they returned. Meanwhile, I was cutting and burning, but nothing serious. There needs to be more peer services, I didn't discover them soon enough, and for 8 years after the incident, they weren't available. I was tortured with Pharmaceutical psych medication.
I realized why I've been like this, I was lonely. Everyone needs the right kond of people to be around for wellness. I'm not codependent, I can do without their aid, but every now and then, I do need their support. I suppose this is true with anyone, we're all interdependent.