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Explore the foundation
When couples come to me for pre-marital counseling, I sometimes ask:
"Why do you want to get married?" They always seem to give
me the big reason; and the big reason is always the same. What do
they say? "We love each other." Then I ask a very unfair
question: "Tell me, What do you mean by that?" There is
silence. Then, one will say, "Oh... you know!"
I guess maybe I do know. I think they are talking about a euphoric
emotion that makes them oblivious to reality. They are the happiest
they have ever been. What they don't know is that the euphoric
feelings will last for two years and then they must find another
foundation for marriage. Wouldn't it be better to explore that
foundation before they get married?
What is
love?
One definition says, "Love is the feeling that you feel when you
feel a feeling like you've never felt before." If that is your
definition of love, I can tell you, that kind of love will never lead
you to a life-long marriage. The euphoric feels are temporary. It is
interesting that in Eph. 5:25 husbands are commanded to love their
wives. If the intense feelings of love were permanent, why would God
command a husband to love his wife?
The fact is, they are not permanent and love is not a feeling, but an
attitude, with appropriate behavior. Love is the attitude which says,
"I'm married to you, so what can I do to help you? Love is
choosing to be kind, and supportive. Is that your attitude?
Love as a
way of life
Most people get married based on love. However their concept of love
often focuses on feelings. I read one definition which said,
"Love is a four-letter word composed of two consonants, L and V;
two vowels, O and E; and two fools, you and me." There is some
truth to that, and fools often make poor decisions.
In the Bible, love is not a euphoric feeling, but a way of life. In
Titus chapter two the older women are instructed to teach the young
wives to love their husbands. This implies that love can be learned.
It is not something that happens to you. It is something you choose.
Once you choose to love, then you look for appropriate ways to
express it. This kind of love will lead you to a life-long productive
marriage.
Learning to
love
"I don't love her anymore." How many times have I heard
that in my office! What is that supposed to mean? Usually, it means
that he has lost the euphoric feelings he had for her when they got
married. And that their differences have emerged and ended in
arguments. The fact is, everyone loses the euphoric feelings. They
usually last for only two years.
Then, we must learn to love. We must choose to treat each other with
respect. We must listen to differences of opinion and try to find a
solution. We must learn to work together as a team; using our
differences for the benefit of the team. This attitude is commanded
by God.
Love that
makes marriage enjoyable
Would you like to know what love looks like in a marriage? Then, turn
to I Corinthians chapter 13. Listen to these words: "Love is
patient and kind; is not arrogant or rude; It does not insist on it's
own way; it is not resentful; Love does not bring up past failures,
but chooses to forgive." Does this describe your attitude and
treatment of your spouse?
This is the kind of love that makes for happy marriages. Love focuses
on meeting the needs of the spouse; helping them succeed; listening
to their thoughts and feelings. In short, it is giving your
life away for your spouse. That is precisely what Christ did for us,
and it is what husbands are instructed to do for their wives. Love is
powerful.
Share your questions, thoughts, insights, or comments:
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