As big as Los Angeles is, there are those guys out there that everyone has hooked up with in some sense. And for the record, I hate the phrases “hooked up” or “hooking up” – it sounds odd to me, like I’m some sort of electronic device that needs plugging in. But anyway, here are some guys that everyone has “hooked up” with in LA.
The Desperate Actor.
Los Angeles really is a sea of actors; you could throw a sandwich from your window and hit one (but I don’t know why you’d want to throw a sandwich). The Desperate Actor is one we’ve all succumbed to; he’s desperate to make it and doesn’t care who knows it. He uses his headshot as his Facebook photo. He always has a Kickstarter project to promote. He will let all of the Internet know when he has two lines in Community. He’s confident that this is going to be his big break (yet again). So why did you hook up with him in the first place? He was really cute, in a puppy sort of way. Your bad.
The Fauxhemian Artist.
The Fauxhemian Artist probably lives in Downtown Los Angeles and is probably covered with tattoos. If not covered, then there’s definitely one on his wrist/arm. He doesn’t have a job — he has many jobs, all of which have vaguely something to do with his “craft” (painting, photography, video production, etc). If you’re lucky, he has a crappy car; if you’re unlucky, he relies on his bicycle. He’ll text you at 12 AM asking, “Hey, what’s up?”
The Westside Hustler.
This guy lives in Brentwood, Westwood, or Santa Monica. He’s working his way up in a talent agency, or in music production. He’s looking to be a talent manager/agent or producer of some kind. He sticks to the Westside like he’s legally bound there, except for when he has to go to work-related parties in Hollywood, and he always does valet. He’ll give you his business card in the same breath that you’re introduced. He’s really good at spinning certain situations; for example, he doesn’t work in the mail room, he’s a “communications manager.”
The Borderline Famous Musician.
This guy isn’t any ole musician — he was either 1. once famous, 2. on his way to being famous, 3. plays backup for someone famous. Don’t be surprised if the tour van is his regular car. He has a show about every night, all at venues that have horrendous parking. He’ll start out coming on strong with texts. That’s not gonna last.
The Startup Guy.
The Startup Guy went to a very impressive, Ivy League school and likely has family money, so he’s jumping into the startup game. He’s got an app, or a website, and has a Mark Zuckerberg look, but because this is LA, he’s like the movie version of Mark Zuckerberg. He seems very East Coast even if he isn’t. He’s gonna be just fine, even if his venture crumbles. He’ll pay for your Uber.
The I Heart NY Guy.
This guy made the, in his mind, absolutely unfixable horrendous mistake of moving to Los Angeles from New York and regrets it every day, while letting everyone within 3 feet of him know. He hates LA, but can offer no solid reason for moving back to New York (“Like it’s that easy,” he’ll say. “I have a huge bookshelf, I can’t just leave that.”) Any nice thing you’ll say about LA, he’ll counter with a reason why New York is better. He probably has facial hair.
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