Do's and Don'ts for Thwarting Stalkers ~ Flossie

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From: Flossie♥ (Original Message) Sent: 7/21/2008 9:36 AM
Do's and Don'ts for Thwarting Stalkers
By Jane E. Brody

Though stalking is often glamorized in movies and sitcoms, in real
life it is anything but. For most victims, it is a waking nightmare
characterized by constant fear and hypervigilance that triggers
lasting emotional distress and sometimes results in bodily injury or
even death.

Since one in 20 women can expect to be stalked at some time during
their lives, usually by men they once dated or married, it pays to
know what to do if it should happen to you. Sometimes, men who have
been rejected by women stalk to get revenge.

These men, along with those who think "if I can't have her, no one
else will," can be especially dangerous. BE FIRM Experts say that in
an effort to be kind and gentle, too many women give their stalkers
mixed signals, leaving them with the belief that if they keep at it
they will eventually win the women they desire.

In his book "The Gift of Fear" (Little, Brown, $22.95, paperback),
Gavin de Becker says that "a rejection based on any condition, say,
that she wants to move to another city, just gives him something to
challenge." He suggests that women should "never explain why they
don't want a relationship, but simply make clear that they have
thought it over, that this is their decision and that they expect the
man to respect it."

Dr. Doris M. Hall, who questioned 145 victims of stalkers (83 percent
of them women), also recommends firmness: "Once and only once, tell
the person you want nothing to do with him.

Don't try to be nice; it can only work against you."

Hall, an expert on criminology at California State University at
Bakersfield, emphasizes the importance of taking any stalking behavior
seriously and dealing with it aggressively from the outset.

"If someone's behavior seems out of line, if it is making you
uncomfortable, something's up," she said. "You have a better chance of
putting a stop to it if you don't give it a chance to accelerate."

CUT OFF ALL CONTACT Hall compared stalkers to "naughty third
graders."

"They don't care what kind of attention they get," she said, "as long
as it's attention." Any kind of response on the part of the victim, no
matter how negative, can be construed by the stalker as a sign that
she is really interested and is trying to keep a relationship going.

de Becker, an expert on predicting violent behavior who advises
stalking victims, wrote, "When a woman communicates again with someone
she has explicitly rejected, her actions don't match her words."

He said that when an unwanted pursuer starts making persistent phone
calls, sending messages, showing up uninvited at a woman's job, school
or home, following her or trying to get her friends or family to help
his cause, "it is very important that no further detectable response
be given."

de Becker added: "He views any response as progress. If you call the
pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note or have somebody
warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit."

Hall warns stalking victims to "never, ever meet with a stalker," even
if he says it is only to say a final goodbye or to return the victim's
belongings. It is most likely a lie and may escalate the problem.

Nor is sending the police to warn him off likely to do any good, Mr.
de Becker says.

Unless the pursuer has committed a crime that warrants his arrest, the
police can do little more than talk, which may further embolden the
stalker.

Even obtaining a restraining order can sometimes backfire. Court
actions infuriate some stalkers and may provoke violent behavior. de
Becker has found that court orders that are introduced early carry
less risk than those introduced after the stalker has made a
significant emotional investment or introduced threats and other
sinister behavior. "A stalker who has been at it for years and who has
already ignored warnings and interventions" is not likely to be
deterred by a court order, he said.

PROTECT YOURSELF Under the auspices of the University of California at
San Diego, the Privacy Rights Clearinghouse has developed a list of
tips for self-protection against stalkers. While specific legal advice
is likely to vary from state to state, the clearinghouse's practical
advice can apply anywhere. Among the most important tips are these:

Keep your address private. Use a postal box (obtained through a mail
box service or the post office) instead of a residential address on
everything, including your driver's license and government documents.
File a change-of-address card with the post office. Give your street
address only to your most trusted friends and tell them not to give it
to anyone else. Do not have anything mailed or shipped to your home
address. Have your name removed from any "reverse" directories that
list people numerically by phone number or address.

Do not give out your telephone number. Get an unpublished and unlisted
phone number. Never print your number on checks. If asked for a phone
number, give your work number.

Get an answering machine that records messages on a microcassette and
allows you to screen all calls. If your state has caller ID, order
complete blocking on your number. If you are bothered by harassing
calls, put a beep tone on your line to make callers think you are
taping the call. You might even add a warning on your outgoing
message, telling callers they may be taped. Also, consider getting a
cellular phone and keeping it with you at all times.

Keep a diary. Record every stalking incident and the names, dates and
times of every contact with the authorities. Save the tapes of phone
messages and anything sent by the stalker in the mail or left at your
home or workplace. Do not accept packages you did not order.

Secure your home. Trim the bushes around your house. Install a loud
exterior alarm and motion-sensitive lights high enough so they cannot
be removed by a person standing on the ground. Always lock your doors
with dead-bolt locks. Also use window locks on basement and ground-
floor windows. If you have sliding glass doors or windows, secure them
with safety bars.

Put locks on your fuse or circuit breaker boxes.

And your car, van or truck. Always keep your garage door and car doors
locked and look carefully inside before entering. Do not use parking
lots where you must surrender the keys; if you must, leave only the
ignition key. Get a locking gas cap and a hood-locking device that is
controlled from inside. Know the locations of the police and fire
departments and busy shopping centers; if you think you are being
followed, head directly to one of these. When you arrive, stay in the
car and blow the horn to attract attention. When traveling to and from
work, vary your schedule and your route. Never stop to help a motorist
in distress -- phone for help.

From the New York Times August 25, 1998.




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From: Flossie♥ Sent: 7/21/2008 9:37 AM
Here is an article showing the possible end results from being
stalked by a disordered individual....I pray that she is still alive.
Thanks for the info Lanes.

Flossie

http://www.lcsun-news.com/news/ci_9936603


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From: Flossie♥ Sent: 7/21/2008 12:08 PM
Missing woman has been found alive!!!!

EL PASO -- Pfc. Jeneesa Marie Lewis, a Fort Bliss soldier who
disappeared from her apartment Friday and was the object of national
attention, was found alive Sunday, police said.

Family members said Lewis, a mother of three, was beaten and stabbed
twice but they were happy she was alive.

http://www.lcsun-news.com/news/ci_9948193