I think you are getting it wrong.
Here's how the Grid works .
The Proxy is the Grid's way of representing a particular node. So the number of proxy objects that are instantiated [ they get instantiated with the node sends in a registration request to the Hub ] at the hub is directly equal to the number of actual node instances running.
So all you would need to do is within your node, you need to write the logic which determines : "When can a node be restarted". Since the current proxy instance is always going to represent a specific node, all you would need to do is send a "Shutdown instruction" to a servlet that is associated with the current node [ as represented by the current proxy instance ]
We built a full fledged Self Healing Grid environment that does exactly this, when we built SeLion [
http://selion.io ]
Hope that helps !