Fucking Apple

[Jared Keever]

I have always relied on Jeff to shake me from my Luddite tendencies so maybe he can shake some sense into me today…

Because I just watched the 2 hour orgy of Capitalism that was the latest Apple event, and I just don’t get it anymore.

Here are some highlights:

1. A roughly $1,000 iPad that is bigger and heavier and louder than their last ‘breakthrough.’ 

2. To take advantage of the device’s full capabilities customers are encouraged to buy a $169 keyboard/cover seemingly modeled after the keyboard of Microsoft’s hermaphroditic tablet, the Surface.

2a. To take advantage of the device’s full capabilities customers are also encouraged to buy a $99 battery-operated stylus dubbed the “Apple Pencil”. Inexplicably it is only offered in one color. 

3. There are now three sizes of iPads, in five different configurations, in four colors-I think-but who the fuck is counting at this point? 

4. There are more watch bands to go with the watch that no one cares about.

4a. But it (the watch) helped a guy lose 30 pounds.

5. Because the $2000 gold-plated Apple Watch, offered by Silicon Valley billionaires, apparently came off as  tone-deaf  to a world economy on the brink of collapse, they now offer leather watchbands designed by a designer — or something — no one cares about. 

5. There are some doctor gadgets things that all Apple devices do. Because Apple cares.

6. A guy from Microsoft spoke. 

6a. A guy from Adobe spoke. 

7. Those appearances were likely calculated attempts to make more money but it is unclear exactly how. 

7a. Speaking of making more money the Apple TV has been updated. It costs $70 more than the device did when I bought it 2 years ago. But it has a swipey remote control.

7b. The swipey remote lets people who aren’t busy losing 30 lbs with their Apple Watch buy things-like video games, TVshows, and dresses-while sitting in front of their televisions. 

7c. Because Tim Cook believes the future of TV is buying things … I mean “apps.”

8. Someone should tell that Eddie guy that if you are the fattest executive at Apple you shouldn’t wear the brightest shirt at the event. 

10. The top end of the new iPhone (which I might buy) costs $500. But so did the last one. But now you can finance them. Or you can agree to give Apple $32 per month in perpetuity and they will give you a new phone once a year. Because Apple cares.

11. There are now three sizes of iPhones in four colors-I think-but who the fuck is counting at this point?

12. Because a 16gb iPhone is basically non-functional (I have one) entry-level pricing is irrelevant. Which means iPhones are expensive. Apple knows this so … “On an installment plan any iPhone is pretty affordable.” Because Apple cares. 

Alright, look, I never really bought into the whole Steve Jobs as visionary bullshit. But, damn, whatever happened to the near zen-like, scaled down offering of very functional, simple and easy to use products, that I had come to love. I guess the simple answer is “pancreatic cancer.”

But without being glib, who the fuck really needs a near-$1300 iPadPro (that’s what it would cost with the stylus and keyboard)?  How is that changing the world? How is five configurations of iPads in four colors helpful? And has anybody noticed that iOS is 10 times buggier than it ever was? 

There are some that would call me an Apple fanboy, but I never really believed I was. What I appreciated about Apple was that I didn’t have 200 options to choose from when buying (or using) their products. It was as if Apple said to me “We have put a lot of thought into this and we think this device is the best way you can go about doing the things you need to do. It costs more, sure, but it is simple, easy to use, it is well-built, and it never breakdown” I fell in love with that and wished other companies would put as much effort into their products. They weren’t so I was buying Apple products.

I never believed Apple did it out of the goodness of their heart. I knew it was about making money. But it is damn hard to view what I just watched as anything other than one giant money grab disguised as  an offering of increasingly mediocre products developed by corporate stooges who say things like “totally epic” —really, one of those fucking assholes really said that today. 

So there. Tell me I am wrong. 

Crank Boy