Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to
drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say
anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share
critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in
time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the
flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on
her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of
the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking
to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it
and a Genie comes
out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me
first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care I n the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me
next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach
with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral
of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped
on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing
nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and
found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Sh1t might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there...
Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the ground
into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1)
Not everyone who sh1ts on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh1t is your friend.(3) And when you're in deep sh1t, it's best to
keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
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