Keep or dispose
MikeMldvn
male (early 80s; not me) who will need to make difficult personal decisions
soon because of new circumstances that will radically alter his lifestyle. The
decision cited in the posting, quite likely merely one of the many to be made
in the aged man's situation, is whether to keep or to dispose of possessions
that he considers to be personal *treasures.* Although not stating so directly,
the way the message was written led me to think that implementing the "dispose"
decisions might profoundly affect the aged/ailing man's "attitude toward life,"
a phrase in the message that I interpreted to mean the "will to live."
The message writer (not the owner of the possessions who would make the
decisions) sought opinions, so I tried to be responsive. My thinking about the
problem didn't end with my reply; I've worked some additional material into
this follow on.)
The "keep-dispose" dilemma is not an unusual complication for the ailing aged
and their families who are probably already concerned about the situation.
Also, since the "keep-dispose" phenomenon among the aged is a problem that
rises in almost all families in the course of a lifetime, the subject deserves
the widest possible discussion. (I write this as an elderly lay person.)
An aging person, I think, usually wants to hold on to, for as long as possible,
the familiar things of her or his life, be the things objects, artifacts,
skills, social activities, friends and all else that is companionable and
intimate, even though they might be junk or passe to others, including members
of the same family. Either way, deciding to keep or to dispose of one's
treasured possessions, especially under circumstances that press for an
early conclusion, may raise anxiety about one's pending fate, trigger
involuntary and fearful reminiscence and, perhaps, cause or intensify
depression. The decision-making process, applied thusly, may indeed influence
one's "attitude toward life."
"Keep" is usually passive, like *...just leave the thing alone for now and
eventually someone else will assume responsibility for it -- by default.*
An inclination to keep a material thing, however, needs to take into account
the availability of physical space in which the "kept" thing is to be stored;
so reality might reverse the "keep" decision. Empty-nesters who confront a
move into smaller living quarters are often faced with such problems;
merely another one of the many imposed on the elderly by events and subsequent
radically altered circumstances. There are no easy answers, and, often the
middle-years progeny of aged parents do not have the family and cultural
history and tradition, and the patience, to deal with what are "...treasures to
you but junk to me..." along with their own grim battles for survival.
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Re: Keep or dispose
A year or so ago I 'saved' the following two postings from a geriatrics mailing
list and, as I recall, posted them to various relevant Internet message boards.
They are appropriate to the context of this discussion, and speak for
themselves. The writers, as I understand, teach in the health care
professions:
1. One of the techniques I used when teaching CNAs (Certified Nurse
Assistants) during their certification program was to have them each make a
list of the 10 most important things in their lives. Once the list was
completed, I had them "give up" half of the list by crossing them out to
demonstrate how difficult it is for the institutionalized elderly to "give up"
things of value to them upon admission.
Once the first five were crossed out, I had them cross out three more. I
distinctly remember a few actually crying as they worked on this project. I
never asked to see their lists, but encouraged discussion of their thought
processes and emotions while completing this exercise. We also discussed
things of value to the elderly person and what they have to give up as a result
of aging as well as of institutionalization, such as: my pet, my garden, the
ability to drive, handle finances, go to church, independent movement within
the community, being able to do for oneself, etc.
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2. I'm the coordinator for a psychogeriatric program at a large CMHC
(Community Mental Health Center). I recently gave an in-service to fellow
therapists who seldom, if ever work with elderly individuals, groups, or their
families. In the presentation, I used a particular "hands on" excercise which
examines the attitudes of health care professionals toward the eldery and the
process of aging, hoping to challenge the myth of aging as decline.
I was disturbed, yet not surprised, at the number of health care
professionals who afterwards admitted that they'd never thought of the process
of aging as anything other than a continuous sequence of loss and decline; at
the same time, I was gratified at the number of folks who said that they would
"keep in mind" the reality of positive aging in their future work. As an idea
for a seminar topic, I found it very useful.
As an additional part of the presentation, I tried to emphasize the
extreme importance of professionals' attitudes toward their OWN aging, and
suggested a series of basic questions we all may want to ask ourselves as we
continue to experience the aging process.