Conflict Resolution
Robby Gordon
Our Conflict Resolution Institute provides professional speaking,
consulting, and training in this field. Enclosed are some basic ideas
about conflict resolution.
Conflict resolution should create a win-win situation. You do not always
have to feel that you are actually winning. Letting the other party win
will create in the long run a win-win situation for both of you.
When you give in on a point in the conflict or you let go of certain
requests that you had, do not do it with the expectation that the other
party will do the same. If you do it with that expectation, the other
party might feel that you are putting pressure on him or her. You have
to let go without any expectation.
Letting go and expecting the other party to do the same is like giving a
compliment and expecting the other party to do likewise. When I give a
compliment and immediately get one in return I feel that the other
compliment might have come out of obligation and it is not a sincere
one. I also feel that it invalidated my compliment. This is not always
true, but a lot of time it is true.
This does mean that you have to compromise your integrity. If you feel
that by letting the other party receive or get what they want, then you
will feel completely wiped out. Then and only then do not give in
because in such a situation you need too much energy to live with
yourself. However, this situation is usually rare, and a compromise will
help you and will create a real win-win situation for both of you.
Richard Carlson in his book said, "do not sweat the small stuff." Later
on he continues and says actually "everything is small stuff." When you
let the other party have the feeling that they are winning, they will be
ready to go more than half way towards you because they will want to
keep their position of winning.
You have to have a paradigm shift in which we don't think anymore of one
person winning and one person losing, but a complete win for both
sides. This paradigm shift will show the other party that you are happy
with your opponent getting what he wants. The old way was to show that
you are upset and not happy with the outcome, and the other party will
think that they have won. Actually what really happened is that you
started convincing yourself that you were not happy with the agreement
and started demanding for more and more and making the conflict bigger
rather than resolving it.
Ghandi once said that you can't aspire for good and justice in one part
of your life and then have a different aspiration in another part of
your life. You can't aspire to win in one situation and make the other
party lose, and not have other losses in your life.