NEW PARTICLE DISCOVERED

[Gregg E Economou]

Background: There seems to be an awful lot of goofy things out there.
Threory: There is a fundamental force in the Universe associated with
this stupidity.
And voila:

the newest particle, the ridiculon.
The ridiculon is the carrier particle of the force of Ridiculosity.
Ridiculous things emit them at a rate linearly related to how
ridiculous or stupid they are, and they interact with matter in the course
of the universal ridiculosity thermalization whereby stupidity seeks
to spread through the universe until it reaches an even distribution.
Ridiculons themselves are the means by which ridiculosity spreads through
the Universe.
Things which are more ridiculous emit more of them, and thinsg which have
experienced nonscattering collisions with ridiculons become more ridiculous
every time such a collision occurs. While the ridiculon itself is massless
at rest, while in transit it has a nominal mass, which is why things get
more and more dense as they get stupider. A material which has interacted
with too many ridiculons will become very dense, and loses its quality
as hadron or lepton, and instead becomes a new family of particle in itself,
which I discovered in the course of my research and named a Moron.
Morons decay, because this overconcentration of stupidity cannot be stable
for long, and they begin spontaneously emitting large quantities of ridiculons
and many people around can detect the increased ridiculon emission and
observe that the Moron is very ridiculous or stupid.

Ridiculons travel faster than the speed of light- this explains two things.
One, this can explain how a stupid idea can propagate throughout an entire
country in less than it takes to see the blank impression it leaves on
poeples faces, and two, it fits nicely with the theory in general:
Ridiculons, by definition the pure essence of Ridiculosity and Sutpidity,
are ridiculous things, and it is fitting that they travel faster than light.
Ridiculous logic? Right on, because any theory that concerns itself centrally
with ridiculons embroils itself in far too many ridiculons to remain sane
for long!

I have observed other properties of these unique particles through experiments
in my Ridiculous Particle Accellerator, at the National Laboratory for
Improbable Science Grants in Pittsburgh, PA, as well.
For instance, it seems that ridiculons are not conserved. While the
conservation of matter and energy are not violated by ridiculons, it seems
that a ridiculous thing can emit ridiculons aplenty without becoming any
less ridiculous itself.

Also, ridiculons have a terrific concentration in humans, so much that
almost anythign they touch or make is ridiculous to an extreme! This has been
verified by the vast quantity of human artifacts which exhibit the re-emission
of previously absorbed ridiculons from humans, items such as Diet Cola,
Cordless toothbrushes, Perpetual motion machines, soap operas, and polyester
clothes.

By accelerating particles to ridiculous speeds in my Ridiculous Particle
Accellerator, I was able to get them to emit ridiculons as well. This was
measured by placing our log books next to the target chamber and running
several tests: Afetr a while, our our logged results looked downright
ridiculous- proof that ridiculons had done their work!

This is an exciting time in physics, and this new particle will explain much
about why so many things are so ridiculous!

It is also postulated by myself that the ridiculon can help solve many of the
world's great physics problems.
For exmaple, Cold Fusion has failed until now. Why?
Because ridiculons have been interfering with the cariers of the nuclear forces.
Ridiculons will turn a perfectly functional device into putty or lime jello
wihtout a second thought. They also keep cold fusion devices from working.
Here's my Lab's audit of the situation:
i. Cold Fusion device created.
ii. It begins emitting ridiculons.
iii. When device is activated, muons that would normally be carrying
the nuclear forces expereicne inetrctions with ridiculons.
iv. Because the ridiculon has mass while in motion, this collision
changes the course of the muon.
v. Not very long after this, the ridiculon-muon pair will become a moron.
vi. No longer carrying the forces requisite for attraction of nuclei for fusion,
no fusion occurs.

The problem is inherent in cold fusion devices, because no matter what is done,
there will be sufficient ridiculon emission to prevent fusion from occurring
- the true heart of the problem is that cold fusion is ridiculous.

Also, there is the issue of spin. Ridiculons are unique in that they are
never quite the same. They possess an imaginary spin, that is to say a spin
whic is an imaginary number (I imagined it!), and this is because such
a spin is truly ridiculous and this helps illustrate the property of stupid
things such that if you start with an ordinay item, make it ridiculous,
and then apply the operation again to it, no matter _how_ many times you
apply the operation, even fractional applications, you will neither succeed
in making sense out of the thing again or seeing the exact same ridiculosity
you started out seeing. It will just remain ridiculous.

Also, ridiculons do not obey general relativity. This is illustrated well by
the following example:
picture a railcar moving down a straight track.
A ridiculon emitter is placed on the car.
To an observer moving with the car, the ridiculon emitter emits ridiculons
at a rate directly proportional to how ridiculous it is.
For every unit distance the train travels, a ridiculon is emitted.
To an observer stationary, only a few of these ridiculons should strike
the general vicinity and the item will to said observer appear marginally
ridiculous or not ridiculous at all, if the train is moving fast enough.
However, in observations, it is apparent that the ridiculosity of the item
is immediately apparent regardless of the speed of the train and that it
is measured to be fully as ridiculous as it is at rest- and multiple detectors
will measure the same full ridiculosity despite the apparent violation of the
distribution of ridiculon emissions over time.
Ridiculons do not share relative motion with their emitters. Things are just
as stupid when moving quickly as they are when stationary, and moving them
quickly will not stretch their stupidity out and make them appear less
stupid at any given point.

More to follow later on this exciting discovery as soon as I get my research
grant approved by the NSF!

Lord Isildur

[I think you've discovered the basis of the Spaceballs "Ludicrous Speed"
drive...
--JoSH]