Rules for the Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps Football Tournament
MKSheppard
Times'
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Contrary to it's public image, the Pentagon does have a sense
of humor. Unofficially, that is. E-mail has accelerated the U.S.
military's ability to blow off steam and make fun of itself.
While the authors are unknown, here is a compilation of
several similar messages that have been circulated worldwide recently:
Recently the Pentagon announced new rules for the fall 1998
Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps football tournament.
It is now known that the gender-integrated teams will take to
the gridiron only after negotiating the following.
1. Only flag football will be played. The Joint Chiefs of
Staff deemed tackle and touch football too dangerous. First, because
of the CNN factor, the public will no longer tolerate even one field
casualty. Second, touching another player today -- even the
congratulatory pat on the behind -- is court-martial bait.
2. The phrase "making a pass" will be changed to the less
ambiguous "throwing the ball." And the Army, Navy and Marines will be
blocked from throws beyond 5 yards because of Air Force protests that
it alone owns the long-range air attack mission.
3. The Marine Corps may run with the ball, but no more than 25
yards per quarter, the Pentagon ruled. It was prompted by Army
objections to long-range naval ground operations.
4. The Navy may not use tailbacks. The term is too sensitive
and should be avoided.
5. To promote interservice cooperation, all teams were ordered
to use the same game plan, after receiving suggestions from all four
services.
The Army's plan, called "The Game After Next," called for
handoffs of a digitized football to the fullback, up the middle, on
every play. The Army's plan's last chapter, titled "Exit Strategy,"
was oddly blank, which would leave players with no choice but to set
up bunkers and temporary housing on the 50-yard line.
The Navy's "Forward...From the Bench" plan called for players
-- each called a ball "carrier" -- to be surrounded by other Navy
football players in a pack called "carrier groups." These units would
establish a roaming "presence" all over the playing field. Less
important than crossing the goal line is the Navy strategy of being
able to protect the carrier group wherever it patrols the gridiron. So
threatening are these carriers, the Navy strategy goes, that no one
would be foolish enough to even mount a defense.
The Marines' "Three-Yard War" plan was predictable: Seize
ground, every down, no matter how, regardless of the price, preferably
while on the playing field. The linchpin of the Marine game plan
called for packing the audience with members of Congress to ensure
that the Marines' performance did not go unrecognized.
The Air Force's "Fieldwide Enagement" plan kept calling for
very long, accurate throws on every down, during huddles, timeouts,
halftime, between games, in the parking lot and even in the showers.
So fast and accurate would these throws be, went the Air Force
strategy, no other team should even bother to take the field.
After examining each team's playbook, the Secretary of Defense
ruled that none could be used, and that each service was left to it's
own devices.
The Navy decided victory could be had by not taking the field.
Instead, it's players patrolled up and down the sidelines, in
breathtaking formation, hoping that would sufficiently deter the other
teams from leaving their benches.
Likewise, the Army decided against taking the field, at least
until several conditions were met: one, that vital U.S. national
interests were at stake; two, the conditions for victory were concrete
and easily defined; and, three, the President would activate 550,000
Reserve and National Guard Army football players if the game actually
were to be played.
The Air Force felt victory could be achieved also by not
showing up. Secret plans were later leaked to the press that the Air
Force had spent $39.7 billion on a system able to fire the football
into the end zone from space.
Bolstered by congressional resolution to be the "most ready
football team when others are the least," the Marines stormed the
playing field and declared themselves the winners.
And there was joy in Mudville.
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"Most Russians don't care whether they are ruled by fascists or communists or
even Martians as long as they can buy six kinds of sausage in the store and
lots of cheap vodka." --Aleksander Lebed, who I hope wins in 2000