Google Won the Contract to Run the US Military

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Jan 28, 2023, 10:38:14 PMJan 28
The US Air force has received orders to launch nuclear missiles from land based silos. Two airmen turn their keys simultaneously and... nothing happens.

One airman picks up a red phone and dials. A pleasant automated voice reports that "You have called when our lines are unusually busy. Please hold for the next nuclear launch assistant." After a few minutes, the line is answered and the airman is asked for his email address or phone number. The airman says, "This is an emergency...", but is cut off by the assistant, "Yes sir, I'm sure your problem is very important. But I need to validate your account. What is your email address or phone number?"

The airman fumbles around looking for the email address he is supposed to give, "That's Launch-Contro...@NORAD.COM". The assistant replies, "Good, I've verified your account. Now, what can I assist you with today, Mr. Private Benjamin?"

The airman reviews the steps taken, with the assistant, who replies, "I'm sorry your launch has been delayed today. If you check your emails, you will find we informed you last week of an important update to the launch computer operating system. For us to provide proper support, it is required that your system be updated to the most recent version of Android. Have you done this? You can check by touching the "Settings" icon on your phone's screen, opps, I mean nuclear launch console screen, and selecting "Update Nuclear Launch" software. What version do you see?"

The airman's voice is starting to break, either from the stress, or a slightly late change in pitch from completing puberty. He reads the version number and the assistant says, "Ok, the version seems to be up to date. Have you installed bug fix NLOPS0945 for "Nuclear Launch Operations"? "Yes, that was installed the last time we had this problem." the airman replies.

This goes on for about 30 minutes, until the call abruptly ends. The Google assistant assumes the airman hung up and notes the call as complete.

Much of the US is enveloped in a blinding, white flash as multiple nuclear warheads find their targets, including the Nuclear Launch Operations centers.

I don't think the Google support charge on next months credit card bill is going to be either paid or disputed.


Rick C.

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Jan Panteltje

Jan 29, 2023, 3:06:04 AMJan 29
On a sunny day (Sat, 28 Jan 2023 19:38:10 -0800 (PST)) it happened Ricky
<> wrote in
Yep, that is about it!

You left out: There are 10 people waiting before you, please hold on..
the expected wait time is 30 minutes.. BAD MUSIC
there are 9 people...

Fred Bloggs

Jan 29, 2023, 1:36:27 PMJan 29
They can get the pizza delivery guy to execute the launch while they're sitting back enjoying their joints.
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