science jokes (1/8)
Joachim Verhagen
ver 6.10 april 22, 1995
Collected by Joachim Verhagen (verh...@fys.ruu.nl)
Includes collection by Lars Olofsson (la...@wmute.trillium.se) of april 1994
Includes math jokes collection by Michael Cook (m...@iberia.cca.rockwell.com)
of june 1994
Includes collection by Chris Bradfield (ph2...@bris.ac.uk) of oktober 1994
Includes collection by Richard D. LeBreton (S510...@nickel.laurentian.ca)
of februari 1995
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New or changed entry
I am still collecting, so if you know any jokes, post or e-mail them to me.
Especially biology jokes are welcome, as I have only a few of those.
Contents
=1. The mathematician, the physicist and the engineer (and others)
=2. Mathematics
=2.1 proofs
=2.2 statistics and statisticans
=2.3 mathematicians
=2.4 poetry
=2.5 quotes
=3. physics
=3.1 poetry
=3.2 quotes
=4. chemistry
=4.1 poetry
=4.2 quotes
=5. miscellany
=5.1 rules for research
=5.2 rules for writing an article
=5.3 poetry
=5.4 quotes
=6. anecdotes about scientists
=7. mnemonics
=7.1 mnemonics
=7.2 mathematics
=7.3 computer science
=7.4 physics
=7.5 chemistry
=7.6 biology and medicine
=7.7 miscellany
=8. pranks
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=1. THE MATHEMATICIAN, THE PHYSICIST AND THE ENGINEER (AND OTHER PROFESSIONS)
MPE________________________________________________________________________
jw...@jwest.ecen.okstate.edu:
A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber
ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured
the diamaeter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a
beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total
displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in
his red-rubber-ball table.
If it was my company: The engineer tried to look up the model and serial
numbers, couldn't find them, so told his manager that it's just not going
to work.
MP_________________________________________________________________________
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every
five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its
current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks
at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through
this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms
out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the
physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes
light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused.
"Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles
and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical
purposes!"
MP_________________________________________________________________________
Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you
guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and
stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need
is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better,
like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."
MPE________________________________________________________________________
An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a
problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The
engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and
puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures
a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the
fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The
mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he
goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg.
Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The
engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates
carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician
lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the
previous problem."
PEA________________________________________________________________________
From: pas...@tid.es (Pascual de Juan Nuqez)
Three men, a physican, a engineer and a computer scientist, are
travelling in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops.
The three atonished men try to solve the problem:
- Physican says: This is obviously a classic problem of torque.
It has been overloaded the elasticity limit of
the main axis.
- Engineer says : Let's be serious! The matter is that it has been
burned the spark of the connecting rod to the dynamo
of the radiator. I can easily repair it by hammering.
- Computer scientist says : What if we get off the car, wait a minute,
and then get in and try again?
MEA________________________________________________________________________
An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer programmer are driving
down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The engineer
says that they should buy a new car. The mathematician says they
should sell the old tire and buy a new one. The computer programmer
says they should drive the car around the block and see if the tire
fixes itself.
MPEA_______________________________________________________________________
Several students were asked the following problem:
Prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime.
Well, the first student to try to do this was a math student. Hey
says "Hmmm... Well, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and by
induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime."
Of course, there are some jeers from some of his friends. The physics
student then said, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I
think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well,
3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an
experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that
you're right."
The third student to try it was the engineering student, who
responded, "Well, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
see... 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is
..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...
Well, it does seem right."
Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'd end up taking too
long doing it. I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove
it..." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading
the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime,
1 is prime...."
Computer scientist using Unix: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime,
segmentation fault
Software tech support operator: Well, we haven't had any reports of
composite odd numbers... do you have the latest version of ZFC?
Logician:
Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime
Proof:
1) If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true
2) The proof exists; you're reading it now.
From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime
From: chri...@ucdmath.ucdavis.edu (Mark Chrisman)
Confused undergraduate: Yes, it's true. Proof: Let p be any prime
number larger than 2. Then p is not divisible by 2, so p is odd. QED
From: ch...@labtam.labtam.oz.au (Chris Taylor)
Wouldn't a modern physicist employ something like renormalization?
3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ...
9/3 is prime
11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is ...
15/3 is prime
17 is prime, 19 is prime, 21 is ...
21/3 is prime
Quantum Physics: All numbers are equally prime and non-prime until observed.
From: ba...@numetrix.com (Barry Fruitman)
English Major:
1 is prime, 2 is prime, 3 is prime, 4 is prime...
Any fool could prove that the above is wrong...
After all, no English major can count that high! ;-)
P.S. And I should know...I've done^H^H^H^H spent time in the English army!
biologist or accountant or doctor or ...
Duh, what's a prime ?
MBA________________________________________________________________________
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are
on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their
jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle:
a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!"
The statistician:
"It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra"
The mathematician:
"Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side"
The computer scientist:
"Oh no! A special case!"
MPA________________________________________________________________________
A philosopher, a physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist were
travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the
window of the train.
"Aha," says the philosopher, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are
black."
"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least
one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is
black!"
"Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were travelling on the same train
when they passed the same field full of sheep.
"Look at that solitary black sheep among all those white ones" said
Watson to Holmes.
"Yes Watson, the ratio of black sheep to white in that field is
one black to three hundred and seventeen white" replied Holmes.
"But how can you be so precise" said Watson, flabbergasted.
"Elementary, my dear Watson" replied Holmes, "I counted all of the
legs and divided by four!"
MEA________________________________________________________________________
The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get
results.
The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
problems in order to get results.
The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy
problems in order to get results.
ME_________________________________________________________________________
From: levd@alien (Lev Desmarais)
The difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician :
The Engineer walks in her office and finds her trash can on fire. She
gets the fire extinguisher and puts out the fire.
The Mathematician walks in his office and finds his trash can on fire.
He gets the fire extinguisher and puts out the fire.
The following day :
The Engineer walks in her office and finds the trash can on fire on
top of her desk. She gets the fire extinguisher and put out the fire.
The Mathematician walks in his office and finds the trash can on fire
on top of his desk. He takes the trash can and puts it on the floor.
He has reduced the problem to a previously solved state. Too solve it
again would be redundant.
MP_________________________________________________________________________
A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge.
Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a
bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and
puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same
lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the
mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the
physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three
adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel.
First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity.
He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window,
and goes back to sleep.
Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees
that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to
himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the
temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning
material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying
water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall,
turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.
The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the
window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the
bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately
sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and
goes back to sleep.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
From: dh...@onramp.net
An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician all go the same
Conference. University budgets being what they are, they all stay in
the same cheap hotel. Each room has the same floor plan, has the same
cheap TV, the same cheap bed, and a small bathroom. Instead of
a sprinkler system, the hotel has opted for Fire Buckets.
The Engineer, Physicist, and Mathematician are all asleep in bed. At
about 2AM, the Engineer wakes up because he smells smoke. He looks in
the corner of the room and sees that the TV set is on fire! He dashes
into the bathroom, fills the Fire Bucket to overflowing with water, and
drenches the TV set. The fire goes out, and the Engineer goes back to
sleep.
A little while later, the Physicist wakes because he smells smoke. He
looks in the corner and sees that the TV set is on fire. He grabs a
handy envelope, estimates the BTU output of the fire, scribbles a quick
calculation, then dashes into the bathroom and fills the Fire Bucket
with just enough water to douse the flames. He puts the fire out and
goes back to sleep.
In a little while, the Mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoke.
He looks in the corner and sees the TV on fire. He looks into the
bathroom and sees the Fire Bucket. Having determined that a solution
exists, he goes back to sleep.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel
sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms.
The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled
out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics
equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got
a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a
precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing
it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.
The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned
on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment,
which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.
The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk,
began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you -name-it,
and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and
exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!"
He then went back to sleep.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are being interviewed for a
job. In each case, the interview goes along famously until the last
question is asked: "How much is one plus one?"
Each of them suspects a trap, and is hesitant to answer.
The mathematician thinks for a moment, and says "I'm not sure, but
I think it converges".
THe physicist says "I'm not sure, but I think it's on the order of one"
THe engineer gets up, closes the door to the office, and says "How much
do you want it to be?".
MP_________________________________________________________________________
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and
a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
the fire.
Then they were asked this question:
Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to
a hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire,
reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician and a statistician are taken ,
one at a time, into a room to undergo a psychological test. In the
room is a table (upon which is a
pad and pencil), a chair, a bucket of water, and a waste basket rigged so
that it can be set ablaze from an adjacent room in which the psychologists
watch.
THe engineer is first, and the basket is set ablaze. The engineer
immediately jumps up, grabs the bucket of water and dashes the entire
thing onto the fire, flooding the entire room and extinguishing the fire.
THe physicist is next. THe basket ignites, the physicist quickly
calculates exactly how much water is required to extinguish the flames
and pours exactly that amount, neatly extinguishing the flames.
THe mathematician next. THe basket blazes up, the mathematician calculates
exactly how much water is required to put out the fire, and then walks
out of the room.
THe statistician is last. THe basket is ignited. He grabs the bucket, pours
half on one side, half on the other, and announces "it's out".
E__________________________________________________________________________
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with
that?"
MPCE_______________________________________________________________________
A lecturer tells some students to learn the phone-book by heart.
The mathematicians are baffled: `By heart? You kidding?'
The physics-students ask: `Why?'
The engineers sigh: `Do we have to?'
The chemistry-students ask: `Till next Monday?'
The accounting-students (scribbling): `Till tomorrow?'
The laws-students answer: `We already have.'
The medicine-students ask: `Should we start on the Yellow Pages?'
MPE________________________________________________________________________
The engineer thinks of his equations as an approximation to reality.
The physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations.
The mathematician doesn't care.
MPB________________________________________________________________________
Three men with degrees in mathmatics, physics and biology are locked
up in dark rooms for research reasons.
A week later the researchers open the a door, the biologist steps out
and reports: `Well, I sat around until I started to get bored, then
I searched the room and found a tin which I smashed on the floor.
There was food in it which I ate when I got hungry. That's it.'
Then they free the man with the degree in physics and he says:
`I walked along the walls to get an image of the room's geometry, then
I searched it. There was a metal cylinder at five feet into the room
and two feet left of the door. It felt like a tin and I threw it at
the left wall at the right angle and velocity for it to crack open.'
Finally, the researchers open the third door and hear a faint voice
out of the darkness: `Let C be an open can.'
M__________________________________________________________________________
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative
merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife
and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so
that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress
thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.
MPB________________________________________________________________________
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side
of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be
empty again."
ME_________________________________________________________________________
There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They
went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem
solving skills.
He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a
room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said
"Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove
and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a
room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again,
he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and
turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer,
because he could solve each problem individually. The second man
moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from
the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told
him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a
previously solved problem.
E__________________________________________________________________________
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
MPE________________________________________________________________________
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture
with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest
possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep
into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A
circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of
infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around
the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around
the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little
thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I
define myself to be on the outside!"
MPE________________________________________________________________________
One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician
and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least
amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and
proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made
a long, straight line and proclaimed 'We can assume the length is
infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was
certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Mathematician just
laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said 'I
declare myself to be on the outside.'
EC_________________________________________________________________________
Four men were sitting one day discussing how smart their dog's were.
The first man was an Engineer, who said his dog could do math. His dog
was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square,
a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
The Accountant said that his dog was better. His dog, Slide Rule, was
told to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into
piles of 3, which Slide Rule did with no problem.
The Chemist said his dog was smarter, his dog named Measure, was told to
get a quart of milk, and pour 7 ounces into a 10 ounce glass. The dog
did this with no trouble at all, and all three men agreed that their
dog's were equally smart.
Then they turned to the Union Member and asked, what can your dog do?
The Union Member called his dog, who was named Coffee Break, and said,
"Show the fellows what you can do".
Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the
paper, fucked the other dogs, and claimed he injured his back while
doing so, filed a grievence report for unsafe working conditions, put in
for Workmens Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.
MP_________________________________________________________________________
A mathematician and a physicist are given the task of describing a room.
They both go in, and spend hours meticulously writing down every detail,
each turning in nearly a ream of paper. The next day, the room is changed,
and they are again given the task. The physicist spends the better part
of the day, but the mathematician, amazingly enough, leaves within a
minute. he hands in a single sheet of paper with the following
description:
Put picture back on wall to return to previously solved state.
ME_________________________________________________________________________
To tell a difference between a mathematician and an engineer, perform
this experiment. Put an empty kettle in the middle of the kitchen
floor and tell your subjects to boil some water.
The engineer will fill the kettle with water, put it on the stove, and
turn the flame on. The mathematician will do the same thing.
Next, put the kettle already filled with water on the stove, and ask
the subjects to boil the water. The engineer will turn the flame on.
The mathematician will empty the kettle and put it in the middle of
the kitchen floor... thereby reducing the problem to one that has
already been solved!
MPE________________________________________________________________________
So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting
together. They spy a deer(*) in the woods.
The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of
gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the
bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards,
but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio.
"Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an
ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special
deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a
sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which
don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet
passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and
vanishes for good.
"Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either."
"What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of
you, that was a perfect shot!"
(*) How they knew it was a deer:
The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it
must be a deer.
The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it
to a previously solved problem.
The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a
Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical
processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even
higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E
is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end
the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the
wonderful lecture. The E says "How do you understand this stuff?"
M: "I just visualize the process."
E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in
9-dimensional space?"
M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."
MPE________________________________________________________________________
What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
circumference of a circle and its diameter.
Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005
Engineer: Pi is about 3.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:
A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.
A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.
An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
There was a mad scientist ( a mad ...social... scientist ) who
kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a
mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty
of canned food and water but no can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can
opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to
make an explosive, and escaped.
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off
the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a
good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped
calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: assume the opposite...
MPCB_______________________________________________________________________
The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the
dairy industry.
So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant
DNA technicians to build them a better cow. They assembled this team
of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding. They requested
rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there
was a horrible typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years
later, they came back with the "new, improved cow." It had a milk
production improvement of 2% over the original.
They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around.
They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical
equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they
were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they
got a 5% improvement in milk output.
The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were
subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output.
Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians. The
foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the
problem. Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they
could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem.
In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper
with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow.
The plans began:
"A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines:
Consider a spherical cow......"
MPCE_______________________________________________________________________
An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the
following question:
"What is 2 * 2 ?"
The chemist says immediately circa 10 to the power 1.
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it
back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem
on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the
world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell
you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully,
then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?"
Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer.
MP_________________________________________________________________________
From: MARTIN...@HEIDEBOX.HEIDE.DE (Translation to blame on Joachim)
A mathematician, a physicist and a doctor were posed the questin 2*2.
The physicist takes a notebook and starts scribbling. After 3 days of the
most complex calculations he finds with use of the Earth radius, the
gravitation constant : "Somewhere between pi and 2 times the square root
of 3."
The mathematican comes back after a week with dark rings under his eyes
and proclaims: "Colleges, their is a solution."
The doctor says simple :"4"
The others answer: "Oh well you memorized it."
MPA________________________________________________________________________
Philosopher: "Resolution of the continuum hypothesis will have
profound implications to all of science."
Physicist: "Not quite. Physics is well on its way without those
mythical `foundations'. Just give us serviceable mathematics."
Computer Scientist:
"Who cares? Everything in this Universe seems to be finite
anyway. Besides, I'm too busy debugging my Pascal programs."
Mathematician:
"Forget all that! Just make your formulae as aesthetically
pleasing as possible!"
PE_________________________________________________________________________
From: "F. Ted Tschang" <ft...@andrew.cmu.edu>
An economist, an engineer, and a physicist are marooned on a deserted
island. One day they find a can of food washed up on the beach and
contrive to open it. The engineer said: "let's hammer the can open
between these rocks". The physicist said: "that's pretty crude. We can
just use the force of gravity by dropping a rock on the can from that
tall tree over there". The economist is somewhat disgusted at these
deliberations, and says: "I've got a much more elegant solution. All we
have to do is assume a can-opener."
E__________________________________________________________________________
In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are
about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block,
they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's
been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go. The lawyer
is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the
blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime
and he is set free too. They
grab the engineer and shove his head into the
guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait
a minute, I see your problem......"
MP_________________________________________________________________________
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is
not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We
are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share
the room with others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is
Pete). Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is
no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete leads him to the dorm.
They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present
inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of
180!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.
"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where to you think interest
rates are headed?"
MPE________________________________________________________________________
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one
Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after
the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my
money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and
mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."
The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual
variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their
previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest
probability of winning..."
"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But
before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and
they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a
man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his
secret.
"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the
horses were identical and spherical..."
MPE________________________________________________________________________
A group of scientists were doing an investigation into problem-solving
techniques, and constructed an experiment involving a physicist, an
engineer, and a mathematician.
The experimental apparatus consisted of a water spigot and two identical
pails, one of which was fastened to the ground ten feet from the spigot.
Each of the subjects was given the second pail, empty, and told to fill the
pail on the ground.
The physicist was the first subject: he carried his pail to the spigot,
filled it there, carried it full of water to the pail on the ground, and
poured the water into it. Standing back, he declared, "There: I have
solved the problem."
The engineer and the mathematician each approached the problem similarly.
Upon finishing, the engineer noted that the solution was exact, since the
volumes of the pails were equal. The mathematician merely noted that he
had proven that a solution exists.
Now, the experimenters altered the parameters of the task a bit: the pail
on the ground was still empty, but the subjects were presented with a pail
that was already half-filled with water.
The physicist immediately carried his pail over to the one on the ground,
emptied the water into it, went back to the spigot, *filled* the pail, and
finally emptied the entire contents into the pail on the ground,
overflowing it and spilling some of the water. Upon finishing, he
commented that the problem should have been better stated.
The engineer, in turn, thought for some time before going into action. He
then took his half-filled pail to the spigot, filled it to the brim, and
filled the pail on the ground from it. Again he noted that the problem had
an exact solution, which of course he had found.
The mathematician thought for a long time before stirring. At last he
stood up, emptied his pail onto the ground, and declared, "The problem has
been reduced to one already solved."
A__________________________________________________________________________
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
MPBE_______________________________________________________________________
From: mstu...@pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben)
The biologist says "I study the principles of life."
The psychologist says "You are controlled by the principles of life."
The businessman says "My business can use its force to control the economy."
The economist says "The forces of the economy will control your business."
The engineer says: "My equations are a model of the universe."
The physicist says: "The universe is a model of my equations."
The mathematician says: "I don't care."
PCE________________________________________________________________________
From: chemi...@aol.com (ChemistRWB)
A chemist, a physicist and an Engineer went on a camping trip, accompanied
by a guide. The were brought to a cabin in the deep Canadian wilderness.
Inside the cabin was a wood-burning stove, but it was set up on bricks
about 60 cm above the floor of the cabin. The three scientists speculated
about the function of the high placement of the stove. The chemist said,
"Obviously, the guide has anticipated the convection currents of the heat
an placed the stove in a raised position to maximize the heat flow in the
semi-adiabatic system." The Physicist believed, "No, it's far simpler
than that, the guide placed the stove higher so movement from the
countertops to the stove would be minimized and energy conserved." The
engineer believed he had the true answer, "Obviously, you fellows don't do
much camping. The stove is place higher so we can bring in wood and put
it under the stove to dry." The guide soon returned and all three
scientists were eager to find out who was right. The guide replied,
"Well, we was bringin' the dang thing up the river and part of the chimney
pipe fell off the boat, so we had to put it up for the pipe to reach the
ceiling."
PS: If you know all the words in this essay, your English is better than
99% of native Americans.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
From: gr...@is.dal.ca (James D. Gray)
An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were
each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly
how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The Physics
student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings,
a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball
bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time
it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with
the sidewalk.
The Math student waited until the sun was going down, then she
took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad,
measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof
made from the ground, and used trignometry to figure out the height of
the building.
These two students bumped into the Engineering student the next
day, who was nursing a really bad hangover. When asked what he did to
find the height of the building he replied:
"Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him
how tall the hotel was, and hit the bar inside for happy hour!"
*MP________________________________________________________________________
From: ark...@sun.lclark.edu (Gary Arkoff)
A math student and a physics student are camping. The physics students takes
his turn to do the cooking first. He makes a tasty stew, but in so doing,
uses up all the water.
The next day, it is the math student's turn to do the cooking. The physics
student watches him go to the creek to fetch the water. He puts the water
into the pot and then stops and goes off to do something else.
Puzzled, the physics student asks the math student when he is going to
finish making dinner. The math student tells him that there is nothing
left to do as now it has been reduced to a problem which has already been
solved.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no
doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations
the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few
minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself
happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.
This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed
right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite
rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers
this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let
alone funny.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
--
Joachim Verhagen Email:J.C.D.V...@fys.ruu.nl
Department of molecular biofysics, University of Utrecht
Utrecht, The Netherlands.
david petry
Verhagen) writes:
>
>SCIENCE JOKES
What we need now is to have these jokes organized and numbered so
that when we want to tell a joke on the Usenet, we can just refer
to the number rather than having to waste bandwidth telling the
whole joke.
Which reminds me of a joke:
Three scientists met at a convention, and decided to tell jokes.
But being efficient guys, they decided to save time by merely
giving the number of the joke as listed in the joke FAQ rather
than telling the whole joke.
So one scientist would blurt out "167", and all of them would
laugh. Then another would say "233", and they'd all laugh. Then
one scientist said "199", and they all laughed. But then one
of the scientists just kept laughing and the other two couldn't
get him to quit.
So they asked him why he keeps laughing. He said, "I've never
heard that joke before."
Sorry for wasting bandwidth. I should have just said "368".
Roy Lakin
>In <verhagen....@ruunat.fys.ruu.nl> verh...@fys.ruu.nl (Joachim
>Verhagen) writes:
>>
>>SCIENCE JOKES
>
>
>What we need now is to have these jokes organized and numbered so
>that when we want to tell a joke on the Usenet, we can just refer
>to the number rather than having to waste bandwidth telling the
>whole joke.
>
>Which reminds me of a joke:
>
>Three scientists met at a convention, and decided to tell jokes.
>But being efficient guys, they decided to save time by merely
>giving the number of the joke as listed in the joke FAQ rather
>than telling the whole joke.
>
Which reminds me of another:
A newbie scientist joins the group which is laughing heartily at one of
their number. He is bemused, until he is told the meaning of all
the numbers.
In a lull, he stands up and gives a list of the numbers in the joke
FAQ, but no-one laughs.
He asks why, when another gives the same list, everyone laughs, but not
when _he_ does it.
"It's the way he tells 'em," he is told.
{369}
roy
David Dwiggins
>
>Which reminds me of a joke:
>
>Three scientists met at a convention, and decided to tell jokes.
>But being efficient guys, they decided to save time by merely
>giving the number of the joke as listed in the joke FAQ rather
>than telling the whole joke.
>
>laugh. Then another would say "233", and they'd all laugh. Then
>one scientist said "199", and they all laughed. But then one
>of the scientists just kept laughing and the other two couldn't
>get him to quit.
>
>So they asked him why he keeps laughing. He said, "I've never
>heard that joke before."
>
>
>Sorry for wasting bandwidth. I should have just said "368".
>
He stood up and said "137", and no one laughed at all.
One person muttered to his colleague,
"Some guys just don't know how to tell a joke."
Carsten Saager
In article <3ngrod$4...@ixnews3.ix.netcom.com>, pe...@ix.netcom.com (david petry) writes:
|> In <verhagen....@ruunat.fys.ruu.nl> verh...@fys.ruu.nl (Joachim
|> Verhagen) writes:
|> >
|> >SCIENCE JOKES
|>
|>
|> What we need now is to have these jokes organized and numbered so
|> that when we want to tell a joke on the Usenet, we can just refer
|> to the number rather than having to waste bandwidth telling the
|> whole joke.
|>
|>
|> Three scientists met at a convention, and decided to tell jokes.
|> But being efficient guys, they decided to save time by merely
|> giving the number of the joke as listed in the joke FAQ rather
|> than telling the whole joke.
|>
|> So one scientist would blurt out "167", and all of them would
|> laugh. Then another would say "233", and they'd all laugh. Then
|> one scientist said "199", and they all laughed. But then one
|> of the scientists just kept laughing and the other two couldn't
|> get him to quit.
|>
|> So they asked him why he keeps laughing. He said, "I've never
|> heard that joke before."
|>
|>
|> Sorry for wasting bandwidth. I should have just said "368".
|>
That reminds me of book by Stanislaw Lem "Der erste futurologische
Kongress" (don't know the english title, must be something like
'The First Futurological Convention'). I lay ROTFL reading it.
Carsten
Jason Etheridge
|>
|> What we need now is to have these jokes organized and numbered so
|> that when we want to tell a joke on the Usenet, we can just refer
|> to the number rather than having to waste bandwidth telling the
|> whole joke.
|>
|> Which reminds me of a joke:
|>
|> Three scientists met at a convention, and decided to tell jokes.
|> But being efficient guys, they decided to save time by merely
|> giving the number of the joke as listed in the joke FAQ rather
|> than telling the whole joke.
|>
|> So one scientist would blurt out "167", and all of them would
|> laugh. Then another would say "233", and they'd all laugh. Then
|> one scientist said "199", and they all laughed. But then one
|> of the scientists just kept laughing and the other two couldn't
|> get him to quit.
|>
|> So they asked him why he keeps laughing. He said, "I've never
|> heard that joke before."
|>
|>
|> Sorry for wasting bandwidth. I should have just said "368".
|>
they would all laugh. Another would yell "135" and mirth would fill
the room. Then one scientist said "453" and there was silence. A
friend tried to console him and said, "Son, it's not the joke that's
important, it's the delivery." :)
___ ___ ___
Jason Etheridge, aka Phase FX ooo <o o><o o><o o> ooo
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Finger/Talk: ethe...@porsche.psc.scarolina.edu
Web: http://umbc8.umbc.edu/~akhatt1/phase.html#Phase
"Love is but a fantasy. Just so happens I am a dreamer." - a loser
Tim Hollebeek
David Dwiggins <dwig...@ceri.memphis.edu> wrote:
>pe...@ix.netcom.com (david petry) wrote:
>>
>>Which reminds me of a joke:
>>
>>Three scientists met at a convention, and decided to tell jokes.
>>But being efficient guys, they decided to save time by merely
>>giving the number of the joke as listed in the joke FAQ rather
>>than telling the whole joke.
>>
>>So one scientist would blurt out "167", and all of them would
>>laugh. Then another would say "233", and they'd all laugh. Then
>>one scientist said "199", and they all laughed. But then one
>>of the scientists just kept laughing and the other two couldn't
>>get him to quit.
>>
>>So they asked him why he keeps laughing. He said, "I've never
>>heard that joke before."
>>
>>
>>Sorry for wasting bandwidth. I should have just said "368".
>>
>He stood up and said "137", and no one laughed at all.
>One person muttered to his colleague,
>"Some guys just don't know how to tell a joke."
>
415
--
---
Tim Hollebeek 'There will be a better sig when I have time'
Jeffrey N Woodford
: In article <1995Apr26.1...@msuvx2.memphis.edu>,
: 415
Heh :) That's a good one! But what about 298? :-)
-Jeff
--
Jeffrey N. Woodford | "All the world's indeed a stage, And we are merely
jwoo...@unlinfo.unl.edu | players, Performers and portrayers..." -- Rush
Physical Chemistry Graduate Student, University of Nebraska - Lincoln
Chris Thompson
|>
["jokes by numbers" joke omitted]
|>
|> That reminds me of book by Stanislaw Lem "Der erste futurologische
|> Kongress" (don't know the english title, must be something like
|> 'The First Futurological Convention'). I lay ROTFL reading it.
The English translation (by Michael Kandel) is "The Futurological Congress"
(subtitled: "from the memoirs of Ijon Tichy"). First published by Secker &
Warburg in 1975, and then in paperback by Futura (Orbit) in 1977, and no
doubt republished many times since then.
The original Polish title (1971) is "Ze wspomnie\'n Ijona Tichego. Kongres
Futurologiczny in Bezsenno\'s\'c".
Followup-To set to rec.arts.sf.written.
Chris Thompson
Internet: ce...@cus.cam.ac.uk
JANET: ce...@uk.ac.cam.cus
% To help expedite the proceedings, all reports had to be distributed and
% studied beforehand, while the lecturer would speak only in numerals,
% calling attention in this fashion to the salient paragraphs of his work.
% [...] Stan Hazelton of the U.S. delegation immediately threw the hall
% into a flurry by emphatically repeating: 4, 6, 11, and therefore 22;
% 5, 9, thence 22; 3, 7, 2, 11, from which it followed that 22 and only 22!!
% Someone jumped up, saying yes, but 5, and what about 6, 18, or 4 for that
% matter; Hazelton countered this objection with the crushing retort that,
% either way, 22. I turned to the number key in his paper and discovered
% that 22 meant the end of the world.
[from the Futura printing, page 20]
Scott Brown
>But then another scientist decided to give it a try.
>He stood up and said "137", and no one laughed at all.
>One person muttered to his colleague,
>"Some guys just don't know how to tell a joke."
At lunch one day, three of the scientists were sitting
around when one of them said "Three hundred and elev...".
His voiced trailed off as his colleagues watched expectantly.
He cleared his throat, and started again: "Three hundred
and elev...". "Damn, Jim," said one of the others, "don't
start telling 'em if you can't remember the punch lines!"
Scott
Lev Gorenstein
> Tim Hollebeek (t...@debusy.Princeton.EDU) wrote:
> : In article <1995Apr26.1...@msuvx2.memphis.edu>,
> : David Dwiggins <dwig...@ceri.memphis.edu> wrote:
> : >
> : >But then another scientist decided to give it a try.
> : >He stood up and said "137", and no one laughed at all.
> : >One person muttered to his colleague,
> : >"Some guys just don't know how to tell a joke."
> : >
>
> : 415
>
> Heh :) That's a good one! But what about 298? :-)
>
> -Jeff
Oh, Jeff!! How bad of you! We don't tell jokes like 298 when there are
ladies and kids around! ;-)
Actually I used the exact idea of one of the anecdotes about numbered
jokes (the new guy enters the club, does't know the numbers, so decides
to pick up random number, and unexpectedly gets beaten up... He whines
"But why???" and gets the above reply).
Regards,
Lev.
__________________________________________________________________________
Lev Gorenstein
Dept. of Chemistry, Purdue University *~~~~ ____ |~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
W.Lafayette, IN 47907, USA Y_,___|[]| | Go Boilers! |
(317)494-9150; Fax (317)494-0239 {|_|_|_|PU|_,_|_____________|
l...@chem.purdue.edu //oo---OO=OO OOO OOO
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
David M. Stoner
>: >But then another scientist decided to give it a try.
>: >He stood up and said "137", and no one laughed at all.
>: >One person muttered to his colleague,
>: >"Some guys just don't know how to tell a joke."
>: >
>: 415
>Heh :) That's a good one! But what about 298? :-)
For those who might be offended, the following is in Rot13 format:
783.
-David
Pertsel Vladimir
|> But being efficient guys, they decided to save time by merely
|> giving the number of the joke as listed in the joke FAQ rather
|> than telling the whole joke.
|>
|> So one scientist would blurt out "167", and all of them would
|> laugh. Then another would say "233", and they'd all laugh. Then
... The fourth one didn't know what was happening, just looked
at them and then decided to try:
- 123.
Nobody laughed. The first came closely to the fourth and
confidentially whispered:
==== variant A ====
- You know, old fellow, some people have a skill to
tell this joke. Sorry, but You can't.
==== variant B ====
- This is not a proper place to tell offensive jokes.
==== variant C ====
- You see, it's too damn old one.
--
/\ /\ Vladimir A. Pertsel
((ovo)) Tel:(972) 03-5600253 (res.) 08-344303 (bus.)
():::() URL ftp://ftp.wisdom.weizmann.ac.il/pub/voldemar/pertsel.html
PVA E-mail: vold...@wisdom.weizmann.ac.il
tab...@vms.huji.ac.il
fugitive from justice, that's why I'm in Israel. I'm
out on bail. Before they let me out, I had been taken
to a third tier cell block in one of those ugly prisons,
like in the movies. I have people going by this time.
Then I tell them about being thrown in a cell, about
how somebody down the cell block yells out a number
and everybody laughed. Then I try it...
-dennis turner
In article <Pine.SGI.3.91.950501...@cv4.chem.purdue.edu>, Lev Gorenstein <l...@chem.purdue.edu> writes:
> On 30 Apr 1995, Jeffrey N Woodford wrote:
>
>> Tim Hollebeek (t...@debusy.Princeton.EDU) wrote:
>> : In article <1995Apr26.1...@msuvx2.memphis.edu>,
>> : David Dwiggins <dwig...@ceri.memphis.edu> wrote:
>> : >
>> : >But then another scientist decided to give it a try.
>> : >He stood up and said "137", and no one laughed at all.
>> : >One person muttered to his colleague,
>> : >"Some guys just don't know how to tell a joke."
>> : >
>>
>> : 415
>>
>> Heh :) That's a good one! But what about 298? :-)
>>
eva dacouri
convention. While he's waiting to collect his baggage, an american colleague
of his is talking loudly to his own shoulder. The italian, amazed, goes up
to the american and says: "What on earth are you doing, talking to your
shoulder like that?" The american says "Oh, that's a new prototype mobile
phone: you see here's the micro receiver on my shoulder, and there's a micro-
set in my ear". The Italian scratches his chin in bewilderment and as he
walks away from the american he almost bumps into a Japanese guy who's wearing
really big and totally dark glasses and moves all ten of his fingers up and
down frantically. "What on earth are YOU doing?" the Italian asks. The Jap
explains "Well, japanese comms technology has evolved, you know. This is
a prototype modem system. See here, all my fingers are attached to microchips
which send data without a wire into my pocket-modem over here, and I can
see everything that happens in my nano-monitor which is here in my glasses.
Simple really." The Italian, puzzled and feeling very inferior goes back to
get his baggage. As he bends down to grab his suitcase he leaves a pompous
and noisy fart; everyone 's looking at him with disgust. And he says: "What
are you looking at?! I just sent a fax".
--
eva dacouri
over the globe report their research findings. The American stands up
and reports with pride: "Gentlemen, we are proud to announce that we've
managed to magnify a regular penis to the size of a well-grown cucumber,
with the use of hormones." The croud claps, hurray, yes, bravo bravo. The
French cut in and say "With no offence to our american colleagues, we have
made a miracle and created a penis the size of three tomatoes one on top
of the other, no hormones involved." As the croud goes berserk rejoicing,
the greek delegation butts in and says "Excuse me, but all this is bull.
We greeks have managed to reach amazing penis proportions, creating an
organ the size of a big water melon. There's one problem though: we can't
really achieve the correct flavor".
--
D.Farrow
>
>
> In article <3ngrod$4...@ixnews3.ix.netcom.com>, pe...@ix.netcom.com (david petry) writes:
> |> Three scientists met at a convention, and decided to tell jokes.
> |> But being efficient guys, they decided to save time by merely
> |> giving the number of the joke as listed in the joke FAQ rather
> |> than telling the whole joke.
> |>
> |> So one scientist would blurt out "167", and all of them would
> |> laugh. Then another would say "233", and they'd all laugh. Then
> |> one scientist said "199", and they all laughed....
>
> at them and then decided to try:
> - 123.
> Nobody laughed. The first came closely to the fourth and
> confidentially whispered:
> ==== variant A ====
> - You know, old fellow, some people have a skill to
> tell this joke. Sorry, but You can't.
> ==== variant B ====
> - This is not a proper place to tell offensive jokes.
> ==== variant C ====
> - You see, it's too damn old one.
>
The forth person, who doesn't follow the goings on, calls
out "533!" so see what happens. The people around him crack
up like never before, laughing their heads off. Completely
bemused by this, he eventually asks what's so funny. He is
told that they haven't heard that one before.
DF
Norm Heske
Here's couple other variations:
The fourth person yells out "267". The room is quiet, they look at each
other and A says " I don't get it"
Or:
The third person says "123". The second says: "Is that the only joke
you know?"
Norm
Wesley F Wright
It gets real quiet. Finally someone (I think her name was Debbie) says,
"Hey, we don't like Oklahoma City Bombing jokes around here."
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** Wes Wright wfwr...@corp.hp.com **
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