Chemistry Humor
Andre Bindon
whatever, and I would welcome and appreciate any and all hints,
suggestions, or donations. For everyone that participates I will email
the compilation to you when I'm done collecting. Or if it really works
I will continue to mail sections as I compile them. Thanks and hope
you can help. Andre
Werner Haelg
(I've no copyright)
Chemist's fast prayer
---------------------
Dear Lord, if I mix sodium
with concentrated HNO3,
and add to it Plutonium,
would you take care on me?
A question for NMR-Freaks:
What is the meaning of the abreviation SPIN ?
S ociety for the
P rotection of
I nnocent
N uclei
Joachim Verhagen
You asked for it.
These are the chemistry jokes from the Science Jokes Collection.
If would love to get new jokes. Maybe we can cooperate.
The relation between the number of science jokes at the moment is
mathematics:physics:chemistry:biology = 8:4:2:1
Do something about it! Put chemistry on top!
=========================================================================
SCIENCE JOKES
ver 6.11.5 august 5, 1995
Collected by Joachim Verhagen (j.c.d.v...@fys.ruu.nl)
Includes collection by Lars Olofsson (la...@wmute.trillium.se) of april 1994
Includes math jokes collection by Michael Cook (m...@iberia.cca.rockwell.com)
of june 1994
Includes collection by Chris Bradfield (ph2...@bris.ac.uk) of oktober 1994
Includes collection by Richard D. LeBreton (S510...@nickel.laurentian.ca)
of februari 1995
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New or changed entry since last time posted (june 1995)
The latest version in now available from FTP, compliments
of Bernard J. Treves Brown (mcn...@fs4.in.umist.ac.uk)
Site: fs4.in.umist.ac.uk
Directory: /sys/users/anonymou/text
File: scijokes.txt or scijokes.gz
Send comments and contributions to:
j.c.d.v...@fys.ruu.nl (Joachim Verhagen)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=3. CHEMISTRY
C__________________________________________________________________________
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
C__________________________________________________________________________
All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
and all theoretical chemists know it. -- Richard P. Feynman
CP_________________________________________________________________________
Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
C__________________________________________________________________________
methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
-- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
C__________________________________________________________________________
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry
is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams
C__________________________________________________________________________
Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: tphi...@biosci.mbp.missouri.edu (Thomas E. Phillips)
Q:How many atoms in a guacamole?
A:Avocado's number.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: er...@jubal.mdli.com (Eric Desch)
Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: Chris Morton (mort...@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu) do it collection
Chemical engineers do it in packed beds.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chemists do it periodically on table.
Chemists do it reactively.
Chemists like to experiment.
Electrochemists have greater potential.
From: skr...@netcom.com (Veggie Boy = Sean K Reynolds)
Polymer chemists do it in chains.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: C...@msc.com
PhD
|
/ \
| |
\ /
|
PhD Para - Doc's (can draw ortho - doc's as well)
HiHoAg hi ho silver!!!
From: dan....@wdn.com (Dan Arico)
CH3- _ _ _ _ - CH3
/ \/ \/ \/ \
| | | | |
\ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/
/ \ / \ / \ / \
| | | | |
CH3- \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/- CH3
Tetramethylchickenwire
From: b...@christa.unh.edu (Brian K Dann)
o o o
H3C-CH2-CH2-O-/|\/|\/|\
| | |
/ \/ \/ \
A propyl people ether!
From: dan....@wdn.com (Dan Arico)
Fe - Fe
/ \
Fe Fe
\ /
Fe - Fe
Ferous Wheel
From: sp...@hippo.ru.ac.za (Peter Piacenza)
PhD
| PhD
/ \ /
| O |
\ /
Orthodox (ortho - Doc's)
--------
MD
I
/ \
| O | Metaphysicians
\ /\ --------------
MD
O O
---I---I-----O-C3H7 Propylpeople ether
I I ------------------
/\ /\
/ \ \
4
|
/ \
| O |__4
\ /
Metaphor (meta - 4)
From: nu...@netcom.com (Bill Newcomb)
O-R-NMe2
|
|
/ \ /\
/ \/ \
I O a 1-I-1-ORN-flying-propyl people ether
| (*stolen from A. Shusterman, with enhancements)
--|--
|
/ \
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: a4...@mindlink.bc.ca (J.D. Frazer)
What is this:
NaCl(aq) NaCl(aq)
C C C C C C C
Answer: (In a sing-song voice) "Saline, saline, over the seven C's"
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: to...@netcom.com (Tom Murray)
chemical formula:
HIJKLMNO
What is it? It's the formula for water.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: jay.fr...@pacsibm.org (Jay Freedman)
These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical
Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago:
It takes alkynes to make a world.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: jay.fr...@pacsibm.org (Jay Freedman)
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
From: bill.co...@execnet.com (BILL CONSIDINE) DeLuxe 1.1 #9385
Old chemists never die they just reach equilibrium
From: wm...@csupomona.edu (Walter Maya)
Old chemists never die, they just smell that way.
From: Tim.N...@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: bgn...@isca.uiowa.edu (Billy Gnosis)
What do you get when you cross buckminsterfullerene,
helicase, and ATP? Screwballs."
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: lozi...@csugrad.cs.vt.edu (Joe Cool)
Man - A Chemical Analysis
Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for Arsehole)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length,
though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer : Eve
Occurance : Found following duel element Wo, often in high
concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties : 1) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
2) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly
after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz).
3) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses
reactive nature.
4) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
5) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction
with polluted form of the Wo commom ore.
Chemical properties : 1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no
further reaction is possible.
2) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period
under extremely favorable conditions.
3) Usually willing to react with what ever is available.
4) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existant to
Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the
specimen bright red.
5) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm
and wet to violent/bloody.
Storage : Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate,
25-35 for favorable reaction style.
Uses : Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night,
free dinners for Wo...
Tests : Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted
specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution : Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with
reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable
under correct conditions.
Woman - A Chemical Analysis
Element : Woman
Symbol : WO
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurance : Copious quantities in all Urban areas,
with slighlty lower concentrations in
Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to
seasonal fluctuations.
Physical Properties : 1) Surface usually covered with
painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes
without reason.
3) Melts if given special
treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly.
Can cause headaches.
Handle with care!
5) Found in various states;
ranging from virgin metal to
common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to
correct points.
Chemical Properties : 1) Has great affinity for Gold,
Silver, Platinum and many of
the Precious Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of
expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if
left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but
there is increased activity
when saturated in alcohol
to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material.
Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing
agent known to Man.
Uses : Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests : Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered
in natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better
specimen.
Caution : 1) Highly dangerous except in experienced
hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one.
C__________________________________________________________________________
There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his
medicine and died of an overdose.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: pea...@wam.umd.edu (Doctor Soran)
Go skiing in Tellurium, Colorado
Stanley Cupric's "Full Metal Jacket"
The Uranium Songs:
"I Get a Kick out of U" (Cole Porter)
"I Can't Stay Away from U" (Gloria Estefan)
Movie:
"I Was a Teenage Werewolfram"
Miscellaneus:
The Baltic states of Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania along with the
Cobaltic States of Germany, Poland, Sweden, and Finland
June 6, 1944 was the radon Normandy.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: bgn...@isca.uiowa.edu (Billy Gnosis)
Q:What does what does the Lone Ranger say to his horse?
A:HIOAg, away!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: t...@uwasa.fi (Timo Salmi)
Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: kko...@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Keith J Kociba)
Chemists are the *cleanest* people you'll ever meet...
they wash their hands even *before* they go to the restroom!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: a94p...@ida.his.se (Peter Bengtsson)
Chemistry is really funny, there are even people
who laugh at Nitrogen(I)Oxide.
(You will have to know some chemistry to understand this :-)
From: cg...@se.alcbel.be (Chris Gray)
Or Nitrogen Triiodide???
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: wm...@jupiter.uucp (Woo Moon)
Q:What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?
A:You can't make a vitamin....
(take your time..)
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: "Lev A. Gorenstein" <l...@cv4.chem.purdue.edu>
Anyway, I think this is a good idea. Here's my contribution. These are
"crazy phrases" from some works on several Moscow city and regional
high-school chemistry olympiads (I've been a member of the Organizing
Committee for them for a number of years and I really miss this now). By
the way, if anybody knows about similar things here in the US (and
Indiana in particular) - I will be gratefull.
Unfortunately, all of these citations are in Russian (obviously ;-) and,
what is much worse, most of them are unexpected (for their authors) puns,
which are impossible (at least for me) to translate (some of these puns
were just great, all the Orginizing Committee was rolling on the floor
in tears ;-). I found only several phrases allowing translation (not
best pearls, unfortunately...):
[For the question: "Why H2S is a poison for us?"] :
"H2S reacts with the iron in hemoglobin, forming an insoluble FeS, thus
causing the oxygen deficiency" (there were some variants like Fe2S,
Fe2S3, Fe2S2... But - isn't it a good idea, especially taking into
account that it was in the work of a 13 years old guy?)
[for the question: "Why lead compounds are poisons for us?"] :
a) "Lead ions make sugar in the blood poisoned"
b) "After Pb2+ gets in the stomach, since there is the Cl- in the stomach
juice, the reaction Pb2+ + 2Cl- ---> PbCl2 (s) occurs, and the unsoluble
PbCl2 precipitates into the stomach, thus distorting food digestion"
"Also the produced hydrogen is a gas with nasty smell"
[At the end of the work] : "Damn, done!"
"When AgNO3 reacts with NH4Cl, there forms the precipitate kind of white
and Ag salt" (Everywhere I tried to translate it equivalently to it's
Russian prototype, saving the grammar mistakes and style ;-)
[For the problem "Find mistakes in the following procedure of preparation
of diluted H2SO4: .... "] :
a) For preparation of diluted (strictly - solution) sulfuric acid one
must not use concentrated H2SO4.
b) There is no such thing as "volumetric flask"
c) The mixture of ice and table salt DOESN'T EXIST!
"Ice and NaCl mixture? Crap! The ice would momentarily melt because of
NaCl!"
"To the sulfuric acid one must add water, but not water to sulfuric acid"
[The following was on the VERY weak work (it happened that the teacher
said to pupils : "You won't get a good grade unless you go to the
olympiads" and sometimes there was just a bunch of people who were not
interested in chemistry and had came only "to be marked good" in
teacher's eyes). They were starving there, because they were unable to
solve any problem, they couldn't leave because of a teacher, and they had
to entertain themselves. But how? Probably the oldest way to entertain
oneself is to write something nasty to somebody else (also proved by
recent anonymous posting about grad. schools ;-). Ok, enough theory,
I explained the joke, you may start laughing here :-) Okh, one more
explanation: "pud" is an old Russian wieght unit, equals 16 kg:
"Don't have enough sake to find the mass % without calculator. That is
why:
It's better eat a "pud" of shit,
Than solve your chemistry, damn it!"
(this was rhymed! We thought about making this verse an unofficial
slogan of our Committee ;-)
Will check in my books about any funny chem. experiments.
Regards to all, would like to see other responces.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: gar...@sun.lclark.edu (Gillian Gardner)
It's not original; I've seen them posted here before, but:
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: jpa...@mtu.edu (JAMES PAUER)
First law of Laboratorics: Hot glass and cold glass look alike!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: jp...@eis.calstate.edu (John Park)
From: fla...@rose-hulman.edu (Neil Flatter)
What does one do with a dead body? Barium
They should have seen the doctor first, he'd Curium.
Perhaps with a housplant, a Germanium.
And if they stole it, the police would Cesium.
Locked up for life, in Irons.
They would go crazy in jail, a Silicon.
Maybe their into plastic surgery.
What does the surgeon do for low cheeks, Lithium.
To large gashes? Sodium.
Tooth in water glass is a one molar soln.
Like BaNa2, name IOAg. I O Silver.
Rabbit like paired electrons on an ether, ether bunny.
And your aunt Ester and her husband Al K Hall.
From: nu...@netcom.com (Bill Newcomb)
With music by Al D. Hyde and the Ace Tones...
Where does one put the dishes? Zinc
What does one do if one can't zwim? Zinc
Name BaNa2. banana
Draw a 1,4 compound of benzene with two dice. Name it. Paradice
Also done w/ MD for paramedic
Done as 1,2 w/ DDS for orthodontist.
1,3 and physics, metaphysics.
Draw benzene with a Mercedes symbol single bonded to the uppermost
carbon. Name it. Mercedes benzene.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: bill.co...@execnet.com (BILL CONSIDINE) From C&E News (1/9/95 p.48):
What's a cation afraid of? A dogion!
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From: nai...@MCS.COM (Nathan Parker)
Remember that without t Chemistry, Nothing would exist!
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From: la...@inland.com
Q:What do you get when you combine [insert a person] with O2?
A:Oxymoron
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From: http://www.circus.com/~no_dhmo/
BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills
uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are
caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen
monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes
severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive
sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea,
vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become
dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid
rain.
* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
* may cause severe burns.
* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
automobile brakes.
* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every
stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is
global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In
the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property
damage.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
* as an industrial solvent and coolant.
* in nuclear power plants.
* in the production of styrofoam.
* as a fire retardant.
* in many forms of cruel animal research.
* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce
remains contaminated by this chemical.
* as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can
be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact
on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!
The American government has refused to ban the production,
distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance
to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other
military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and
designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it
during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities
receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground
distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this
dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others
throughout the world. Send email to no_...@circus.com, or a SASE to:
Coalition to Ban DHMO
211 Pearl St.
Santa Cruz CA, 95060
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: Brian McClain <bri...@ecst.csuchico.edu>
How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker?
None. That's what organic chemists are for!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: kab...@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu (Kevin Anthony Boudreaux)
It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked
in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue.
--quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: pke...@titan.oit.umass.edu (Patrick M Kenny)
Black Angus : Black Angus
Black Angus : Texas Longhorn
Black Angus : Brown Swiss
___________________________________________________
Homogeneous Catalyst : Heterogeneous Catalyst
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: Erin Leonard (not:Mariella Wells) Merit <wel...@hsdemo.merit.edu>
Cartoon:
(A man and a woman are sitting at a bar. One has a shirt saying 'Polar',
the other, 'Non-polar.') Man: Sorry babe, I just don't think the
chemistry is right.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: myke...@csu.murdoch.edu.au (Myke Stanbridge)
Q:What is the most chaste organic compound?
A:Why, hexanitrosobenzene of course!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: (fortunes)
Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
joules!"
"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
in my burette ... We must call a copper."
Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
of Lawrence Ium.
"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
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Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the negative
logaritm is linear with 1/T -- D.L. Bunker
*C_________________________________________________________________________
From: arpe...@math.uwaterloo.ca (Adrian Pepper)
An Ironman Triathlon consists of a 2.4mile swim, a 112mile bicycle ride,
and a full marathon run (26 miles, 385 yards).
A Half-Ironman Triathlon consists of a 1.2mile swim, a 56mile bicycle ride,
and a half marathon run (13 miles, 192 yards, one foot, six inches).
Since Iron has atomic number 26, and alumin[i]um atomic number 13,
would it be appropriate to describe Half-Ironman events as "Alumin[i]um
Man" events?
*C_________________________________________________________________________
From: mp...@kean.ucs.mun.ca (Murray)
Ok, here's one of my own...I ususally don't say anything quotable,
but a couple of my lab-mates thought this was pretty funny at the time...
Set up the quote: I am a synthetic inorganic chemistry student a Memorial
University of Newfoundland, St. John's, Newfoundland, Canada. Our research
group attempts to make interesting magnetic materials...not facile. After
a full week of null results at the bench, I had just found that my most
recent experiment had gone bust when a friend of mine walked in, finding
me scratching my head in bewilderment. With tinted bottles of solvents and
chemicals all around me, I just turned to him and said,
"All of these pretty little brown bottles surround me...and NOT A
SINGLE ONE OF THEM is filled with BEER."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=3.1 CHEMICAL POETRY
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David Smillie:
Little Willie was a chemist.
Little Willie is no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: hj...@nor.chevron.com Canonical List Of Holiday Humor
From: gran...@kits.sfu.ca (Gavin Lee Grandish)
Chemistry Christmas Carols
1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming To Town
2. I'm Dreaming Of A White Precipitate
3. Silent Labs
4. Deck The Labs
5. The Twelve Days Of Chemistry
6. Test Tubes Bubbling
7. O Little Melting Particle
8. We Wish You A Happy Halogen
9. Chemistry Wonderland
10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine
11. O Come All Ye Gases
12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are
13. Iron The Red Atom Molecule
14. Lab Reports
15. Silver nitrate
1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town
You better not weigh
You better not heat
You better not react
I'm telling you now
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.
He's collecting data
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out
The heat of melting ice
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.
He sees you when you're decanting
He knows when you titrate
He knows when you are safe or not
So wear goggles for goodness sake.
Oh, you better not filter
And drink your filtrate
You better not be careless and spill your precipitate.
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.
2. I'm Dreaming of a White Precipitate
I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
just like the ones I used to make
Where the colors are vivid
and the chemist is livid
to see impurities in the snow.
I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
with every chemistry test I write
May your equations be balanced and right
and may all your reactions be bright.
3. Silent Labs
Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Observations of colors and smells
Calculations and graph curves like bells
Memories of tests that have past
Oh, how long will chemistry last?
Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Lots of equations that need balancing
Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
Santa Chlorine's on his way
Oh, Please Santa bring me an 'A'.
4. Deck the Labs
Deck the labs with rubber tubing
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Use your funnel and your filter
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our goggles and aprons
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Before we go to our lab stations
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fill the beakers with solutions
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Mix solutions for reactions
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Watch we now for observations
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
So we can collect our data
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
5. The Twelve Days of Chemistry
On the first day of chemistry
My teacher gave to me
A candle from Chem Study.
(second day) two asbestos pads
(third day) three little beakers
(fourth day) four work sheets
(fifth day) five golden moles
(sixth day) six flaming test tubes
(seventh day) seven unknown samples
(eighth day) eight homework problems
(ninth day) nine grams of salt
(tenth day) a ten page test
(eleventh day) eleven molecules
(twelfth day) a twelve point quiz
6. Test Tubes Bubbling
(to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire")
Test tubes bubbling in a water bath
Strong smells nipping at ypur nose.
Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow
Will find it hard to be inert tonight.
They know that Chlorine's on its way
He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh
And every student's slide rule is on the sly
To see if the teacher really can multiply.
And so I offer you this simple phrase
To chemistry students in this room
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry molecules to you.
7. O Little Melting Particle
(to the tune of "O Little Town Of Bethlehem")
Para Dichloro Benzene
how do you melt so well?
The plateau of your cooling curve
is really something swell.
We think the heat of fusion
of water is so nice
Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole
and what you get is ice.
8. We Wish You a Happy Halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
To react with a metal.
Good acid we bring
to you and your base.
We wish you a merry molecule
and a happy halogen.
9. Chemistry Wonderland
Gases explode, are you listenin'
In your rest tube, silver glistens
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.
Gone away, is the buoyancy
Here to stay, is the density
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.
In the beaker we will make lead carbonate
and decide if what's left is nitrate
My partner asks "Do we measure it in moles or grams?"
and I'll say, "Does it matter in the end?"
Later on, as we calculate
the amount, of our nitrate
We'll face unafraid, the precipitates that we made
walking in a chemistry wonderland.
10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine
I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree last night
They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart
to take a peek
At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;
it was neat.
And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree so bright
Oh what a reaction there would have been
if the principal had walked in
With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.
11. O Come All Ye Gases
O Come all yea gases
diatomic wonders
O come yea, o come yea
calls Avogadro.
O come yea in moles
6 x 10 to the 23rd
O molar mass and molecules
O volume, pressure and temperature
O molar volume of gases at S.T.P.
12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are
We three students of chemistry are
taking tests that we think are hard
Stoichiometry, volumes and densities
worrying all the time.
O room of wonder
room of fright
Room of thermites
blinding light:
With your energies
please don't burn us
Help us get our labs all right.
13. Iron the Red Atom Molecule
(to the tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer")
There was Cobalt and Argon and Carbon and Fluorine
Silver and Boron and Neon and Bromine
But do you recall
the most famous element of all?
Iron the red atom molecule
had a very shiny orbital
And if you ever saw him
You'd enjoy his magnetic glow
All of the other molecules
used to laugh and call him Ferrum
They never let poor Iron
join in any reaction games.
Then one inert Chemistry eve
Santa came to say
Iron with your orbital so bright
won't you catalyze the reaction tonight?
Then how the atoms reacted
and combined in twos and threes
Iron the red atom molecule
you'll go down in Chemistry!
14. Lab Reports
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
Dashing through the lab
with a tan page lab report
Taking all those tests
and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a chemistry song tonight.
Oh, lab report, lab reports,
reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
for a chemistry test today, Hey!
Chemistry test, chemistry test
isn't it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
a chemistry test and pass.
15. Silver Nitrate
(to the tune of "Silver Bells")
Silver nitrate, silver nitrate
it's chemistry time in the lab
Ding-a-ling, with a copper ring
soon it will be chemistry day.
Take your nitrate, in solution
Add your copper with style
In the beaker there's a feeling of reactions
silver forming, blue solution
Bringing ooh's ah's and wows
now the data procesing begins.
Get the mass, change to moles
what is the ratio with copper?
Write an equation, balance it
we're glad it's Chemistry Day.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: awi...@ix.netcom.com (al willis) Orig. Al Willis
The professor talked much about Rhodium,
And then he expounded on Sodium.
His arms he did flail,
Until he turned pale,
And then he fell off of the podium.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=3.2 QUOTES
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: kab...@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu (Kevin Anthony Boudreaux)
It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked
in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue.
--quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=5. THE MATHEMATICIAN, THE PHYSICIST AND THE ENGINEER (AND OTHER PROFESSIONS)
MPCE_______________________________________________________________________
A lecturer tells some students to learn the phone-book by heart.
The mathematicians are baffled: `By heart? You kidding?'
The physics-students ask: `Why?'
The engineers sigh: `Do we have to?'
The chemistry-students ask: `Till next Monday?'
The accounting-students (scribbling): `Till tomorrow?'
The laws-students answer: `We already have.'
The medicine-students ask: `Should we start on the Yellow Pages?'
EC_________________________________________________________________________
Four men were sitting one day discussing how smart their dog's were.
The first man was an Engineer, who said his dog could do math. His dog
was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square,
a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
The Accountant said that his dog was better. His dog, Slide Rule, was
told to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into
piles of 3, which Slide Rule did with no problem.
The Chemist said his dog was smarter, his dog named Measure, was told to
get a quart of milk, and pour 7 ounces into a 10 ounce glass. The dog
did this with no trouble at all, and all three men agreed that their
dog's were equally smart.
Then they turned to the Union Member and asked, what can your dog do?
The Union Member called his dog, who was named Coffee Break, and said,
"Show the fellows what you can do".
Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the
paper, fucked the other dogs, and claimed he injured his back while
doing so, filed a grievence report for unsafe working conditions, put in
for Workmens Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.
MPCB_______________________________________________________________________
The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the
dairy industry.
So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant
DNA technicians to build them a better cow. They assembled this team
of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding. They requested
rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there
was a horrible typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years
later, they came back with the "new, improved cow." It had a milk
production improvement of 2% over the original.
They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around.
They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical
equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they
were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they
got a 5% improvement in milk output.
The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were
subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output.
Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians. The
foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the
problem. Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they
could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem.
In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper
with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow.
The plans began:
"A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines:
Consider a spherical cow......"
&MPCE______________________________________________________________________
An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the
following question:
"What is 2 * 2 ?"
The chemist says immediately circa 10 to the power 1.
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it
back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem
on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the
world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell
you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully,
then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?"
Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer.
From: Tony Quinn <tony...@sixpints.demon.co.uk>
Stress engineer: Well I know it's 4, but let's call it 50 anyway.......
PCE________________________________________________________________________
From: chemi...@aol.com (ChemistRWB)
A chemist, a physicist and an Engineer went on a camping trip, accompanied
by a guide. The were brought to a cabin in the deep Canadian wilderness.
Inside the cabin was a wood-burning stove, but it was set up on bricks
about 60 cm above the floor of the cabin. The three scientists speculated
about the function of the high placement of the stove. The chemist said,
"Obviously, the guide has anticipated the convection currents of the heat
an placed the stove in a raised position to maximize the heat flow in the
semi-adiabatic system." The Physicist believed, "No, it's far simpler
than that, the guide placed the stove higher so movement from the
countertops to the stove would be minimized and energy conserved." The
engineer believed he had the true answer, "Obviously, you fellows don't do
much camping. The stove is place higher so we can bring in wood and put
it under the stove to dry." The guide soon returned and all three
scientists were eager to find out who was right. The guide replied,
"Well, we was bringin' the dang thing up the river and part of the chimney
pipe fell off the boat, so we had to put it up for the pipe to reach the
ceiling."
PS: If you know all the words in this essay, your English is better than
99% of native Americans.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=6. MISCELLANY
MPCBE______________________________________________________________________
From: re...@indiana.edu (Frank Reid)
Technicians think they are engineers.
Engineers think they are physicists.
Physicists think they are mathematicians.
Mathematicians think they are philosophers.
Philosophers think they are technicians. (Local philosophy prof
sprayed WD-40 in his VCR.)
OR:
From: cy...@josaiah.sewanee.edu (Cyrus)
Biologists think they're biochemists.
Biochemists think they're chemists.
Chemists think the're physical chemists.
Physical Chemists think they're physicists.
Physicists think they're God.
God thinks he is a mathematician.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=8. MNEMONICS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=8.5 CHEMISTRY
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: law...@pax.llnl.gov (William S. Lawson)
From: DPi...@world.std.com (Richard D Pierce)
How about Feynman's mnemonic for the third period of the periodic table:
"NeNa, M'gAl, SiPS Chlorine"?
H H He
Li Be B C N O F Ne
Na Mg Al Si P S Cl Ar
From: cumm...@u.washington.edu (Mike Cummings)
Let me offer this one, see if it's any better. A High School teacher
taught me, "H! HeLiBebCNOFNeNaMgAlSiPSiCl!" Not much help, huh? Here's a
pronunciation key:
"H!" (Just make a loud H, then pause, looking as if you're about to pounce.
Nice dramatic effect that gets the listener's attention.)
"Heh-Lee-Beb-K'Noff-" (Easy so far)
"N'Nahm" (That's N(schwa) - Nahm[rhymes with bomb])
"Gall-Sip-Sickle"
From: mj...@mrao.cam.ac.uk (Martin Hardcastle)
OK, _my_ high school teacher had the following:
"Hell! Here're Little Beatniks Brandishing Countless Numbers Of Flick kNives."
H He Li Be B C N O F er, Ne
"Naughty Maggie Always Sips Pure Sweet Claret"
N Mg Al Si P S Cl
He couldn't remember any more after that, so nor can I.
From: kirr...@union3.su.swin.edu.au (Kirrily Robert - SINN Editor)
"Hi Helen, Little Betty Boron Can Not Often Find
Neddy. Naughty Meg Always SiPS Chlorine in <thinko - no idea what this is>
Kenny's Car"
From: har...@kauri.vuw.ac.nz (John Harper)
And in chemistry we eventually learnt to pronounce the following, though
each line seems harder than the one before:
HHeLiBeBCNOF
NeNaMgAlSiPSCl
AKCaScTiVCrMnFeCoNiCuZnGaGeAsSeBr
(this was before they changed it to ArKCa...)
KrRbSrYZrNbMoTcRuRhPdAgCdInSnSbTeI
but I must admit I didn't find the rare earths memorable this way.
From: d...@torfree.net (Doug Forkes)
Harry HElped LIttle BEnny Balmer Carry Neat Oysters From Neptune's
NAtural MenaGerie ALways SInging Polite Sonnets CLearly ARf Key CAsually.
(First 20 elements of the periodic table)
C__________________________________________________________________________
We got german, french and russian in this thread. Time for a dutch one.
The electro-negativity of Metals:
Karolientje NAaktgeboren MaG ALleen op ZoN en FEestdagen SNoepen.
Caroline nakedborn may only on sun- and Holliday eat sweets.
(=real dutch family name)
ProBeer Haar te Kussen(=Cu) achter(Ag) de Platina AUto.
Try her to kiss behind the platina car.
From: mat...@tadtec.co.uk (Matthew Sweet)
But in english:
Please Send Little Charlie McKie A Zebra If The
Horse
Can't Munch Sweet Green Plants
Potassium, Sodium, Lithium, Calcium, Magnesium, Aluminium, Zinc, Iron, ?Tin?
Hydrogen
Copper, ?Mercury?, Silver, Gold, Platinum
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: ke...@resptk.bhp.com.au (Ian P Kemp)
Oil Rig !
(oxidation is loss, reduction ois gain ) (of electrons)
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: ke...@resptk.bhp.com.au (Ian P Kemp)
Scandinavian television corrupts many french coalmen's neices and cousins
Sc Ti V Cr Mn Fe Co Ni Cu Zn
(1st row of transition metals)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=9. PRANKS
C__________________________________________________________________________
by Alan Meiss, ame...@gn.ecn.purdue.edu
Wherein the author relates the Tale of the Exploding Pen.
Everyone who's taken high school chemistry probably has some
entertaining stories of experiments not included in the syllabus,
myself included. A friend and I did a great deal of spontaneous
research in our class involving myriad flame tests and chemical
combinations "Mother Nature never intended." I recall one time
when the teacher left the room, and my friend dashed into the
storeroom in the back to see what he could filch. He returned
with a heaping handful of silver nitrate powder, which isn't
exactly recommended handling procedure for this chemical. When
rapid discomfort made him dispose of this material, the rest of
us observed to our amazement that his entire hand had turned
silver. By the end of the day it had turned purple. But all
this, of course, is peripheral to the Tale of the Exploding Pen.
One day in Chemistry class we were using calcium metal,
which reacts with water to give off hydrogen gas and heat. This
was definitely Nifty, and I saved several pieces. It became a
source of amusement to drop it in a puddle of water and watch it
bubble and sputter, then quickly hand it to someone during a
quiet class to provoke an alarmed bellow (the stuff got pretty
hot). By the afternoon I had one piece left, which I, based on
thought processes that now entirely elude me, stored, along with
some water, in my pen, one of those Bic Biros with the large
white barrel and detachable endcap. It soon slipped my mind that
I'd done this, and I went on my way to Biology class. Midway
through class, we were wrapping up an experiment, with the
teacher giving a lecture and the class taking notes. I was
standing in the back of the room, writing down final data from
our petri dishes of E. Coli, when my pen exploded. It was very
loud, louder than a firecracker, and I looked up to see every
face in the class staring at me and the remnant of my pen with
great alarm. The resulting silence was finally broken when
someone muttered "his pen exploded!" I tried to play it cool,
giving my pen as cursory an inspection as possible, as if this
were a frequent occurence of little concern, and returned to an
extroadinarily studious job of note-taking. The teacher just
smiled and continued the lecture in a bit; I guess he was used to
this sort of thing.
We had some other interesting experiences in this biology
course, including the development of Live Chicken Bowling, and the
concealment of chickens in people's personal belongings. In one
class I remember, one of the kids wadded up paper towels into a
foot-wide ball, and for reasons I don't fathom arrived at the
decision to set it on fire when the teacher left the room. Too
late it occcurred to him that a large ball of fire is fairly
conspicuous in a classroom setting, so he stuffed it into the lab
drawer beside his desk just before the teacher returned. The
sudden earnest interest in the lecture he tried to demonstrate
was not enough to distract from the smoke rising from his desk,
however, and he got in a significant amount of trouble.
But let me return once again to Chemistry class. In all, it
was a fairly boring class, and we even had to pursue non-
flammable entertainment. I programmed a Blackjack game on my
pocket computer, and we would pass it around the class for all to
play. A lively betting pool would sometimes start when the score
got high. One day we managed to play a full game of Risk in the
back of the room during lecture. Some of us would spend a half
an hour at a stretch duplicating Muppet noises from Sesame Street
episodes: "Tiiiick Tooooock BrrrrrrrRING! Yupyupyupyup". Others
would interupt any rare quiet moments by yanking leg hairs from
other guys wearing shorts. None of this infantilism, however,
can compare to the mayhem related to me by one of my roommates
that went on in his own high school chemistry class.
He had a particularly anarchic chem class that seemed to
involve an impressive amount of pyrotechnics. On one occassion,
someone threw a fist-sized chunk of potassium metal in a sink
full of water, which destroyed it (both sink and water) with a
great shower of sparks. Another time his classmates covered an
entire desktop with infamous nitrogren tri-iodide, an unstable
compound made from ammonia and iodine that explodes when touched,
leaving purple stains. They detonated it by throwing a paper
airplane, blowing the top off the desk. In an act of tremendous
stupidity, they filled an entire liter beaker with the gray
incendiary material from sparklers, and when some fool tossed in
a match, the resulting column of fire burned holes in both the
table and ceiling. In an extra-curriculur adventure, they piled
a mound of thermite they'd prepared in class on a particularly
despised person's driveway. When ignited, it blasted a foot wide
hole through the concrete and down to the dirt. Their most
notable "achievement", however, was placing in someone's locker
in a dish of water a large chunk of some unknown material that
gives off noxious odors when moist. He said that the resulting
nauseating stench spread through the entire school. One girl
barfed in mid-sprint to the bathroom, and the school had to
evacuate the building and cancel classes for the rest of the day.
In an entire semester of Chemistry class, his only remotely
educational experience was learning to make soap, and he had to
repeat the subject here at Purdue, minus the pyrotechnics.
PCB________________________________________________________________________
From: ju...@bu.edu (June Peckingham)
I recall those days of high school science pranks well.
(although our chem teacher was much to smart to ever
leave sodium of potassium where we could find it).
-Earth Science - learning to burn skin with a magnifying
glass. Also learned that chalk, when heated with
a magnifying glass, will explode.
-Biology - Actively participated in an experiment to
kill the mutant fish that lived in the aquarium.
We tried everything - soda, windex, acid. These
guys were tough. The other high point of bio
was having a frog pee down my friend's arm, cool.
-Chemistry - In a neighboring school one of the hooligans
superglued everything in the classroom. The
teacher was infuriated. When he went to sit down
he found that his chair was also stuck in place.
He did succeed in moving it, only by removing the
four floor tiles it was glued to. My high school
chem teacher was too scary to try anything fun on.
I did manage to light a table on fire though.
-Physics - Our physics teacher was cool. He let us form
a line into the hall and use the power of the Van
de Graph generator to shock passers by. hehe. We
also got to chop a large block of wood off his
stomach to demonstrate inertia. He taught us the
'to every force there is an equal and opposite..'
by throwing himself against a wall while wearing
roller skates.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: ari...@edb.tih.no (Arild Jensen)
A friend of mine got a hold of a large chunck of potassium metal which
he brought to a party. He managed to dare another guy to make it
explode. The other guy wasn't of the brightest type, and he didn't
believe it would explode in contact with water. Anyhow, stupid as
he was, he went to the bathroom and thew it into the toilet. Nothing
happened, so he went back out again, saying to my friend "Hey, nothing
happe...." BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!! The whole bathroom was covered with smoke,
and the toilet-seat was completely ruined, cracked and everything.
The guy who held the party had to use the neighbors bathroom the
following week, until his own one got repaired.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: pku...@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (Peter Kukla)
When I was in High School, one of my classmates was having a serious
problem with people stealing his lunch. Every day it disappeared from
his locker (don't recall whether his lock was broken off or what.)
Complaining to the principal did no good, so he went to his father, a
pharmacist.
His father gave him some substance (Silver Nitrate) which didn't discolor
the food, but which turned your skin black or purple when you came in
contact with it.
This guy liberally coated his food with it, and waited. I was fortunate
enough to see the results.
Another classmate, who had ostensibly gone to the bathroom, returned to
the math class, hiding his hands and face as best he could. It didn't
work - his dyed skin was obvious. A cohort of his didn't even bother to
return to class, he just fled the school for the day.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: mey...@scooby.beloit.edu (Arden Meyer)
When I was in High School, my chemistry teacher had the privilege of
scaring most of the freshman chem class. He had a wooden cutting block set
out on the bench at the front of the class, with a large butcher's knife.
After everyone took their seats, he produced an apple, two 200 mL beakers
containing clear fluid, an empty 500 mL beaker, and an eye dropper. He
proceeded to cut the apple in half, and then place the knife back in a
locked drawer (he didn't trust us!). With the dropper, he squirted some of
liquid A onto one half of the apple, and we all saw it eat away at the apple
rather quickly. Then, after rinsing the dropper, he squirted some of liquid
B onto the remaining half of the apple, which also ate it away. He then
poured liquid A and liquid B into the 500 mL beaker, and swirled the mixture
for a few moments (about twenty seconds). He then downed the whole thing in
one big swallow!
As it turned out, liquid A was hydrocloric acid, and liquid B was sodium
hydroxide. They were both of the same molarity, and so when mixed, they
produced salt water. The most interesting happening of this was the next
year, when a young lady passed out as the teacher swallowed his drink...
## if you have the stupidity to try this, make sure you know alot about
chemistry and that you get the concentrations right!!! ##
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: gl...@marie.seas.ucla.edu (George Lyle (233789))
Not quite a prank, but dang funny:
While I was in a high school chem class, the teacher was
showing how to properly heat a test tube with a Bunsen
burner. He said "never point the mouth of the tube
toward you like this (pointing tube at his head)" Always
point the test tube away from your body (turns test tube
away). At that instant, the alcohol/acid solution in the
tube shot out and ignited, flaming a 5 foot periodic
table on the wall. Half of class broke out laughing while
other half was frozen in seats. Teacher grabs fire bottle
and puts out fire. Teacher never gave that demo in the
same way again!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: tomc...@soda.berkeley.edu (Thomas T. Cheng)
We must have had the same chem teacher or something. The exact same
thing happened in our class, except it was our homework that caught on fire.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: mic...@beaufort.sfu.ca (Strider Coyle)
This happened to me, except the *bottom* of the tube blew off
and lit my binder on fire.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: Trish or CJ <TBC...@psuvm.psu.edu>
When I was in high school I pulled off this particular prank. This one guy
in the class was always pissing me off, so I conspired to make a fool of him
in front of the class. The next day during chem lab, we were informed that
we would be using concentrated sulfuric acid, which is clear. Anyway,
during the lab, I took the beaker full of sulfuric acid (and this is the
kind of stuff that burns through flesh) and hid it behind a desk. I then
filled an identical beaker full of steaming-hot, but not burning-hot water.
I used a wax pencil to write on the outside. 'Concentrated Sulfuric Acid'.
Then I walked over to this guy that was pissing me off and got his
attention. I took a medicine dropper, filled it with the stuff (which he
thought was acid) and shot it all over his face. It was hot water, so he
thought he was burning! He started screaming, 'Cj threw acid on me!!!' And
promptly began thrashing and shrieking. Everyone stared at me. Then I held
the beaker aloft, threw my head back and drank the whole thing. The teacher
nearly dropped dead on the spot. The rest you can just imagine. --CJ Calo
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: rcou...@malibu.sfu.ca (Ryan John Cousineau)
My High School science courses were similarly interesting.
We had a Science 10 teacher who wasn't usually much for science. As a
demonstration, he dropped a blob of sodium into a pan of water. Very
impressive. Especially when, with a "pop" the sodium exploded in front
of the teacher. He did the demo for the next block with a much smaller
piece of sodium...
Another good one was our Chem 12 teacher, who left some disgusting,
viscous black mixture on his lab table at the front of the class. We
were all busy at our desks, when all of a sudden there was a huge,
loud "POP!" and the sucker exploded! Blew black goo up to the ceiling,
over the front desks, down to the floor. The stuff on the ceiling
never did come off, and some of the students would no longer sit in
the front row.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: gan...@gibeah.connected.com (Gandalf the Grey)
Ammonium tri-iodide is an extremely fun chemical. But you have to be
careful. My chem prof played a really cool joke on this really annoying
bastard in my class. Real pop-off, and he deserved it. You simply fix
iodine crystals (expensive) and ammonia (roughtly as much as the crystals
can dissolve into). While it is liquid, it's reasonably safe. Don't use
more than a drop on anything, since it will explode once it's dry, and
can be dangerous.
However, when placed on a countertop in a very small amount, the first
person to touch it gets quite a surprise and a stain on their skin and
doesn't come off easily. Hilarious actually. I've only made it once,
though.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: eap...@rigel.oac.uci.edu (Mr. Wizard)
I know that this doesn't really count as a "prank", but once in high
school chem we were doing potassium experiments, and there were 36
students (so there were 37 people including the teacher). Each student
has 20 test tubes full of water and into each one he or she places a small
amount of potassium (the experiment was supposed to test the production
of hydrogen.) After the experiment, each person puts the test tubes into
a central trash can (for those of you slow in math, that's 740 test tubes
EACH ONE of which is pumping out hydrogen.) Later on we were doing tests
with glowing splints, and the teacher said "don't put a burning splint into
the trash can" (for obvious reasons) Well, one girl thought that a glowing
splint (not burning) would be ok. All I can say is that the column of
red flame was more spectacular than any movie nuclear blast! In fact,
to this day (6 years later), there is still a very large burn mark on
the ceiling of that classroom.
Another one with the same teacher was another potassium mishap. Since
potassium cannot be stored in water, it is stored in a sort of oil. Well,
he took a golf-ball size chunk and held it in is hand as he cut it. Un-
fortunately, the oil was slippery and the chunk fell into the beaker.
Well, what happened was that the beaker EXPLODED and impaled the teacher
with several bits of glass (he was in hospital for a day or two) and the
desk was strewn with a hundred or so pock-marks.
However, one real prank was with the SAME teacher was in order to keep
sanity and good behaviour in class, he would keep 2 squirt guns with
him. One with water, and the other with SILVER NITRATE SOLUTION. (this
stuff looks just like water but it turns skin BLACK on contact) He shot
about 4 people during the year, but only one girl (the same one with the
hydrogen) got the silver nitrate (on the FACE!!!).
Finally, this was one I did in college. My first year in the dorms,
I would keep a bottle of root beer which someone would continually drink
without my knowing. After I couldn't stand it anymore, I went to a
friend in the chem dept. and asked him for an acid/base indicator that
turns base pink (I forget what the indicator was), and put a bit in my
root beer bottle. The plan was that human urine is somewhat base, so
when the culprit drank my root beer, he began to pee pink. Needless
to say, about 12 hours later, this guy thought he was gonna die!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: da...@bcars201.bnr.ca (Dau Do)
Yeah, these stories remind me about my science teacher. He's used to wear
a prescripted sunglass so that no one knew that he's sleeping while students
were writing test. Anyway, after one of the experiments that used acids, one
guy in my class pour the acid on his desk. He didn't know and took off his
glass put on the wet spot. When he put it on again, his skin burned left a
red circular around his eyes ...
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: lwr...@MFS04.cc.monash.edu.au (LUKE RICHARDS)
My Yr 12 chemistry teacher (young guy, had only been teaching for
about three or four years) told us about the time when he was at College
doing his dip ed, and he was working with sodium. He was pouring the kerosine
off the oil and down the sink, and there was one chip of sodium left at the
bottom of the tin he was emptying (unfortunately for him). Well, it fell out,
and because someone had been using the sink before him there was water in
there. The sodium ignited, flared and set the kerosine on fire which then
raced along the length of the sink and down the plughole with one almighty
explosion.
He said he had to have a haircut that night because he lost his
fringe and both his eyebrows.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: gap...@cent.gla.ac.uk (Brian Ewins)
Yet another exploding light metal story....
A friend of mine was recently doing a PhD in Chemistry in
the building next door to where I am writing this... anyway,
his project seemed to involve increasingly more dangerous
chemicals for no good reason.
Normally, you sign out all chemicals, and they're all
accounted for at the end of the day. But, towards the end of
his PhD, he opened one of his cupboards to discover a jar
of Sodium that he'd got, never used, and the paperwork (it
turned out) for it had since been lost.
This was *2 Kg* of sodium in a big lump.
Sodiums not very dense, that's a big f**ker.
Anyhow, the fate of this lost lump was to accompany
some of the students out to a lake in the park, where they
threw it...still in its jar (that they managed to get this
far at all is kinda surprising because they were all completely
blootered at the time).
And then, in a masterpiece of forward planning, they
got out the airgun :o) ... 'cos they were all drunk, and the jar
(now floating on the lake) was fairly thick, it took quite a few
shots to break.
Surprisingly, the thing didn't explode...it just sat there
burning. (obviously only the surface of the lump was reacting, but
even so...) So they all sat down, cracked open some more beers,
and watched the sodium light up the night. Cool.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: <NE...@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>
What follows is not an invented joke, but a true story, although I may have
embellished it a little over many years of telling. "Sister Karen" was a nun
and a Chemistry teacher who had come to work on her Master's degree with my now
retired colleague Prof Herbert Meislich , who happens to be Jewish. Her first
task was to monobrominate a ketone. She added her Br2, and started the stirrer
as instructed....nothing happened ..... STILL no decolorisation...... after
some time she is getting worried, and asks another student, who told her -
"See that man over there - that's Prof McKelvie, ask him" A slightly out of
breath nun comes up to me - "Prof McKelvie? My reaction won't work !" My evil
mind was thinking WHICH of her reactions was not working, but that's another st
story. ) Anyway, I could have told her that bromination is dependent on making
the enol, and this is promoted ny acid, so that the HBr produced will aid
enolisation and all will be well. BUT - that morning I'd found on the floor a
Star of David that had fallen off some Jewish girl's neck, and I'd been looking
for the owner... INSPIRATION! - the problem is that you've had the wrong
theoretical training ! Just a moment ....I tied the Star of David around her
apparatus, added a few drops of hydrochloric acid just to help things along,
and announced that NOW it would work in five minutes ! It took four minutes
and 50 seconds by my watch. "SEE?!" She had the brains and a good Irish sense
of humour to realise she was being "had", and I explained that it was her
Organic Chemistry that was being deficient, not theology......
(Aftermath - two Jewish girls came down from upstairs and wanted to borrow the
gold chain so that THEIR reactions would work better........) Neil McKelvie
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: <U58...@uicvm.uic.edu>
"Back when I was taking Chemistry 101, my instructor did a little demonstration
" [this is the proper start for this Urban Legend]
"He pointed to a large beaker on the table full of yellow liquid. He said:
The first thing a chemist must learn is not to be disgusted by anything. This
is a beaker of horse urine. The simplest way to determine if the horse is
diabetic (dipping his finger in the beaker) has always been to simply taste for
sugar! (licking his finger!)"
"Is there anyone here willing to demonstrate?" and a big guy from a fraternity
came up with a grin on his face to taste the "urine", knowing it was a gag.
He dipped his finger in the "urine" and licked it dry --- and from the
expression on his face, it really was urine!
"The second thing a chemist must learn is to be observant! (Holding up his
hand, the professor demonstrates.) I dipped the _other_ finger!!!"
--
Joachim Verhagen Email:J.C.D.V...@fys.ruu.nl
Department of molecular biofysics, University of Utrecht
Utrecht, The Netherlands.
Homepage: http://www.fys.ruu.nl/~verhagen
wa4...@vnet.ibm.com
> Hi. I am collecting Chemistry humor. Lines, gags, Cartoons,
>whatever, and I would welcome and appreciate any and all hints,
>suggestions, or donations. For everyone that participates I will email
>the compilation to you when I'm done collecting. Or if it really works
>I will continue to mail sections as I compile them. Thanks and hope
>you can help. Andre
the first day was allocated to a talk about chemistry (what it is, why
it's important, how it affects our lives, blah, blah, blah). To illustrate
this talk, Doc carried in two beakers filled with clear liquids. As he
progressed through the talk, he would ocassionally pick up one of the
beakers and swirl it (Thus confirming that it really was filled with a
liquid). Toward the end of the talk, he would pick up both beakers
and swirl them. Next, he would start pouring the liquids from one
beaker into the other repeatedly (Thus really proving that they
contained liquids). Finally, he would walk around the podium, while
still swirling the beaker containing both sets of contents, and stop in
front of some glazed-eyed student. As he finished his lecture with the
statement 'This is why chemistry is important to you.', he would slosh the
beaker toward the student, who never failed to dive for cover. Of course,
the chemicals had reacted and formed a gelatin which stuck to the bottom
of the beaker. Therefore nothing came out.
Well, at least, that's the way it was supposed to work. The next year,
one of the graduate students intercepted Doc on the way to the class, and
switched beakers with him, replacing one of the chemicals with water.
I'm not sure who was more surprised that year, the student who ended up
with a lap full of chemicals, or Doc.
Dave
P.S. He should have known something was up, what with all of the
graduate students clustered outside of the classroom door...
P.P.S. I actually witnessed the 'dry' version of the trick, but I wasn't lucky
enough to have witnessed the 'wet' version, although I did hear about it
from several (many) credible witnesses.
Caleb B.
1) Got mole problems? Call Advogadro at 602-1023.
2) What's this: NaCl + H20
NaCl + H20
------------
CCCCCCC
answer: Saline, Saline, over the seven c's... <sung to sailing, sailing, over the
seven seas....>
Please let me know what you come up with :)
-Caleb
ProChem2
stopped to use the chalkboard, just rattled off the complicated equations,
etc. One of the students approached him and suggested that the class
would really appreciate his using the chalkboard during lectures. Sure
enough, during the next class the prof was his usual self. Suddenly, in
the middle of a complicated derivation (all verbal, of course) he suddenly
remembered the student's request and turned to the board and wrote as he
said "...and that should be as simple as
2 + 2 + 4.
Then, having satisfied himself that he had complied with the request, he
turned from the board and returned to his normal lecture style.
John Carmody ProC...@aol.com
Sandy Moore
Andre Bindon <abi...@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca> wrote:
> Hi. I am collecting Chemistry humor. Lines, gags, Cartoons,
>whatever, and I would welcome and appreciate any and all hints,
>suggestions, or donations. For everyone that participates I will email
>the compilation to you when I'm done collecting. Or if it really works
>I will continue to mail sections as I compile them. Thanks and hope
>you can help. Andre
Johnny was a chemist,
But he is no more.
What he thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.
-Not original, source unknown. I heard it 10-15 years ago.
John Park
From: Sandy Moore, moo...@alum01.its.rpi.edu
Date: 14 Aug 1995 22:59:03 GMT
In article <40okfn$r...@usenet.rpi.edu> Sandy Moore,
moo...@alum01.its.rpi.edu writes:
>In article <40da9i$18...@rover.ucs.ualberta.ca>,
>Andre Bindon <abi...@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca> wrote:
>> Hi. I am collecting Chemistry humor. Lines, gags, Cartoons,
>>whatever, and I would welcome and appreciate any and all hints,
>>suggestions, or donations. For everyone that participates I will email
>>the compilation to you when I'm done collecting. Or if it really works
>>I will continue to mail sections as I compile them. Thanks and hope
>>you can help. Andre
Why do chemists like nitrates? Because they are cheaper than day rates.
What is zinc? That is what you do when you can't zwim.
What is zinc? That is where you put the dirty dishes.
What is barium? That is waht you do with dead people.
What is BaNa2? Banana
What is HIJKLMNO? H2O
OK, OK. I'll shut up!!
John Park
jp...@cello.gina.calstate.edu
Ma...@scri.sari.ac.uk
>From: moo...@alum01.its.rpi.edu (Sandy Moore)
>Subject: Re: Chemistry Humor
>Date: 14 Aug 1995 22:59:03 GMT
>In article <40da9i$18...@rover.ucs.ualberta.ca>,
>Andre Bindon <abi...@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca> wrote:
>> Hi. I am collecting Chemistry humor. Lines, gags, Cartoons,
>>whatever, and I would welcome and appreciate any and all hints,
>>suggestions, or donations. For everyone that participates I will email
>>the compilation to you when I'm done collecting. Or if it really works
>>I will continue to mail sections as I compile them. Thanks and hope
>>you can help. Andre
> Johnny was a chemist,
> But he is no more.
> What he thought was H2O,
> Was H2SO4.
>-Not original, source unknown. I heard it 10-15 years ago.
I also heard a version of this...
Poor old Brown is dead and gone
His face you'll see no more
For what he thought was H2O
was H2SO4.
Bullwinkle
>>In article <40da9i$18...@rover.ucs.ualberta.ca>,
>>Andre Bindon <abi...@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca> wrote:
>
>> Johnny was a chemist,
>> But he is no more.
>> What he thought was H2O,
>> Was H2SO4.
The one my Dad told me went:
Johnny was a chemist,
But Johnny ain't no more,
'Cause what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4
Maybe a lurking poet could tell why that one sounds
better to me.
K. Murray
Martin Ystenes
> Johnny was a chemist,
> But he is no more.
> What he thought was H2O,
> Was H2SO4.
This rminds me of a story of two students who wanted to celebrate the
long and light summer evening by fishing in their boat in the Norwegian
fjord. But first they went to the lab, grabbed a bottle with the
magic label 96%, and set off. After some time, the one said to
the other:
- I am afraid we have done something wrong. This is not ethanol,
it is sulphuric acid.
- I know. I have just peed a hole in he boat.
I have also a poen on H2SO4, but it is in Norwegian and absolutely
impossible to translate. I´m sorry!
Martin Ystenes
John Moran
: >Andre Bindon <abi...@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca> wrote:
: >> Hi. I am collecting Chemistry humor. Lines, gags, Cartoons,
: >>suggestions, or donations. For everyone that participates I will email
: >>the compilation to you when I'm done collecting. Or if it really works
: >>I will continue to mail sections as I compile them. Thanks and hope
: >>you can help. Andre
John Moran P.O. Box 309 Laveen, Az 85285
Hello:
Please don't consider me a pest.
I just want to work with the best.
Your company is on my list
its not just a place to lurk
but a fine place to work
I'd like a job in your lab
one that's really fab
by usp, fda & epa I can Test
When everything's done, then I'll rest
Oh, got a problem with a computer
don't worry, I'll be your tutor
I can work the help desk.
I'm not one who knows it all
When I've got a problem, The First place I look
is in the manual or book.
If the answer's not there, I know who to call.
Oh I ks you with a smile that
will last a long while...
--------------------------
JOHN/PHX (jam...@analon.com) computing & making good Chemistry!
Colin Douthwaite
: Johnny was a chemist,
: But he is no more.
: What he thought was H2O,
: Was H2SO4.
:
: -Not original, source unknown. I heard it 10-15 years ago.
Hmm...I think you will find this quite original:
/|\\
/ | \\
/ | \\
|| | |
|| | |
|| / \ |
\/ \//
\ //
\ //
or
,o*^|*`?.
,8 | ?
8 | 8
8 / \ 8
`8 / \ d
`?._ _.o'
| -r...@rivendel.com-
======
/ \
/ \
\\ //
\\____//
mercedes benzine??
Lu Yili
: In article <40da9i$18...@rover.ucs.ualberta.ca>,
: Andre Bindon <abi...@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca> wrote:
: > Hi. I am collecting Chemistry humor. Lines, gags, Cartoons,
: >whatever, and I would welcome and appreciate any and all hints,
: >suggestions, or donations. For everyone that participates I will email
: >the compilation to you when I'm done collecting. Or if it really works
: >I will continue to mail sections as I compile them. Thanks and hope
: >you can help. Andre
one lawer, one doctor and one chemist were talking about whether is a
lover better or a wife better.
the lawer said: the lover should be better, because she would not ask for
money when you left her.
the doctor said: the wife should be better, because she would be more
clean and you would be saver.
the chemist said: why do we have to choose one? I think when I have both
that would be better, because when the lover think I am
with my wife, and my wife think I am with my lover, I
can go to my lab and continue my experiments.
Lu yili
--
~{0WTFIz4&SPHK<R!#~}
Richard Rateick, Jr.
>In article <40da9i$18...@rover.ucs.ualberta.ca>,
>Andre Bindon <abi...@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca> wrote:
>> Hi. I am collecting Chemistry humor. Lines, gags, Cartoons,
>>whatever, and I would welcome and appreciate any and all hints,
>>suggestions, or donations. For everyone that participates I will email
>>the compilation to you when I'm done collecting. Or if it really works
>>I will continue to mail sections as I compile them. Thanks and hope
>>you can help. Andre
I missed the first part of this thread, so my appologies if the following
has already been stated.
I had a brand new beaker once
its gone beyond recall
for all the glass and pieces are
embeded in the wall.
-- Frey (sp?) Scientific Catalogue, ca. 1978.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Richard G. Rateick, Jr., P.E. |The information given here is for
Materials and Metallurgical Engineer |reference only, and must not be
pp00...@interramp.com |considered a professional opinon.
Rose Shlachtman
Two sodium atoms walking down the street. Suddenly, one begins to
look around frantically and says, "I've lost my electron, I've lost
my electron!"
The other says, "You sure?"
The first says," I'm positive."
Or how about:
A mosquito was heard to complain
That a chemist had poisoned his brain
The cause of his sorrow
Was paradichloro
Diphenyltrichloroethane.
-STA...@aol.com
(Pleeeeeze send me a compilation...I've really enjoyed reading these
messages!)
John I Osborne
writes:
> References: <40okfn$r...@usenet.rpi.edu>
> 17 Aug 95 17:04:05 GMT
>
There was a second verse to "Johnny was a chemist":
His father, who was an MD
Gave him CaCO3.
The acid's neutralised, it's true
But Johnny's full of CO2
(as far as I know, public domain)
There was another bit of shaggy science doggerel floating about in my younger days:
Little Willy from the mirror
Licked the mercury right off,
Thinking, in his childish error
It would cure a nasty cough.
At the funeral willy's mother
Sadly said to Mrs Brown
'twas a chilly day for Willy
When the mercury went down.
(Possibly from the Penguin Book of Comic & Curious Verse)
As spotty schoolkids, we also made up "equations" -- of which I can only remember
2Co + teacher = CoConut and the ingenious alchemy of Co + Al = CoAl
Also, by D J Koshland Jr (in "Science" 1989, 244, 1529)
"All breathing generates oxygen radicals, which are the main sources of mutation in DNA,
leading to cancer, birth defects and very peculiarly shaped molecules in the urine. Breathing
has been observed 3 minutes before death in 100% of all fatalities. We urge everyone to stop
breathing until the proper research has been carried out. The EPA has been told about this
relation and has failed to act on it, a scandalous display of irresponsibilty."
--
John Osborne Moonlight Scientist || " ...we try to fix it ..."
and Freelance Pauper || Thomas Carlyle
@ Castle Despair UK || (1795 - 1881)