Proof of evolution!
Bob Keeter
Well, maybe not HARD, INCONTROVERTABLE PROOF in an academically
supportable form, . . . . . . . . . . . . but a real strong suggestion
that natural selection is alive and well, even today and even in the
context of the human race!
ACTUALLY, just an attempt to inject some humor into what has been a
largely humorless arguement since Mr. Darwin's publication. . . . .
Enjoy!
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The 1999 Darwin Awards
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that
individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the
most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. We
proudly present the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:
5th RUNNER-UP: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he
hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down
the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead
at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the
Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends
apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some
yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the
Mammoth Lakes Police department. The pads are used to protect skiers
who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down
the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been
investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad
removed.
4th RUNNER-UP: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call
the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and
walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of
the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat
where it had choked him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a
stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed
instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP: "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia
party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet
to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into
his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the
blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl.
M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery
and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and
this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his
mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue
off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday
with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at
Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing
something like that" Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon
man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive
and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost
his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting
club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain
Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a
beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye.
Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a
major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died
instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University
Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of
brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow
managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had
Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have
killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had
been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about
this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district
attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of
the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica
concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but
having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to
"hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled
their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late)
Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the
fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late)
Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence.
Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree.
His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it
were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from
the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below
him. (Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed
his pocketknife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself
from the tree. Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE LATE) Mr.
Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his
ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly
branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse (?!), on
landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches. (The late)
Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony,
decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks of
the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly
driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck
into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and
killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its
driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from
massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John
under it, half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his
rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree
branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
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And I hope that you have enjoyed the little snippet as much as I did
when it was forwarded to me!
Regards
bk