Lt JG Taj'el - Reflect Personal Log
Taj'el
(( Taj’el's Personal Quarter, Deck 5, USS Thor ))
Medical Officer’s Personal Log, Stardate 240323.01 - Time 2312
Taj’el: Since joining Starfleet, and now assignment to the Thor, my social obligations have increased to a demanding degree. Nevertheless, such challenges have yielded intellectually compelling discoveries, including the Bio phenomenon and the Rannieh encountered on Seda. I continue to experience measured apprehension regarding my relationship with Starfleet; however, current evidence supports the conclusion that this path was logically chosen.
That stated, death, the irreversible cessation of the biological processes that sustain a living organism, was a known and unavoidable outcome of my transition from the Sciences to the Medical division. Even so, this event marked my first experience as primary caregiver to a patient for whom no medical intervention was viable. Correction: the patient was under the primary care of Doctor Ay; my role was that of an assisting medical. Despite this distinction, the outcome remains unchanged.
Pause recording…
They exhaled slowly while pacing the perimeter of their quarters, then made a deliberate decision. Candles were lit with measured precision, and they seated themselves on the floor. Regulating their breathing, they closed their eyes and initiated a meditative state.
Taj’el: Resume recording…
By my own standards, and within my established framework of success versus failure, this event may be classified as my first failure. In the practice of medicine, outcomes are binary: one either preserves life or one does not. Logically, when the Lieutenant was brought to us, there existed little to no viable intervention. Nevertheless… ::they paused:: Residual emotional response persists.
It appears further meditation is required. Death is the natural order of existence, and given that no action available to us could have altered the outcome, I—
Pause recording…
They opened their eyes and attempted to focus on the candle flames. They were not so unaware as to overlook the profound impact the death had on the other doctor. In the moment, it had been paradoxically easier to serve as a stabilizing presence for their crumbling crewmate; however, now in solitude, they found articulation difficult, and processing even more so.
It had felt disrespectful to categorize Kovacs’ death as a failure, yet the physical manifestations of regret had begun to weigh heavily upon their body. At least Doctor Ay’s emotional turmoil had appeared more genuine and less self-focused. They had not known Kovacs personally, but to witness their passing had nonetheless invoked frustration, fear, sadness, confusion, and guilt, all of which surfaced within the Vulcan.
When a Vulcan experienced emotion, it was often in excess, nearly as physical pain. Their efforts to center themself through regulated breathing had been met with both physical and emotional resistance; yet, as with all challenges, they believed such struggles could be overcome with time and discipline.
Taj’el: Resume recording…
It was accurate to conclude that the loss of life in one so young, and so abundant with unrealized potential, was unfortunate. Such a loss extended to those who had known them, as well as to those who would never have the opportunity to do so. It was logical… to experience absence, and to acknowledge sadness for what might have been.
They expressed hope that Doctor Ay would, in time, find peace—or at minimum, a measure of understanding. As for myself, I wish for greater knowledge. I wish I could have done more. However, logic dictated that I had fulfilled what was asked of me, and that all viable efforts had been made.
Therefore, the appropriate course is to continue striving for improvement.
::As they were about to end the log and return to a more composed state of meditation, they paused once more.::
I expressed hope that the Lieutenant’s loved ones would receive their final letter. It is regrettable how clarity and honesty often emerge only in such moments.
oO Maybe I should reach out to S’Terak Oo
End personal log.
As they finished their log, their PADD illuminated with an invitation. They noted, with a slight lift of an eyebrow, that it was from Commander Saa, requesting her presence on the observation deck. They considered what purpose such a meeting might serve at so late an hour, and whether it was connected to the earlier events.
