PNPC Akani Xira - Living In A Lonely World
Renaie Shortrith
((Sickbay Ward 2, Deck 16, USS Blackheart))
Akani: What am I supposed to do with that?
Captain Niac leaned forward, his voice barely a whisper.
Niac: Well that's the secret...the burden can become your greatest strength. But only after you embrace it...only after you've allowed yourself to feel it entirely. And that'll take a long time...and a lot of hard work. You'll have bad days...and long nights. But you can make it through this.
Xira's body shook, half from exhaustion and half from tearless sobbing, as she tried to sit up, trying to make her brown eyes meet the blue-green ones of the captain.
Akani: How do you know that?
Xira's eyes filled with tears as the captain placed a hand on her left shoulder and leaned in, speaking solely to her.
Niac: Because I did...and from where I sit you look a hell of a lot tougher than me.
It was those last words that made the tears burst the floodgates of her tearducts. She tried to speak, but her voice constantly broke and her body shook again with sobs. She felt the captain's hand, still firm, and that somewhat grounded her enough to be able to speak again.
Akani: How? How could someone like me be tougher than you? ::whispering to herself, unintentionally loud enough for Niac to hear:: How could I, Ensign Akani Xira, ever be tougher than a starship captain?
She raised her left hand to rub her nose ridges, a tactile but futile attempt at self-soothing.
Niac: Because I wasn't born a starship captain...and Ensign Karrod Morrahn lost some friends and damn near got himself thrown out of Starfleet over it. I got angry and bitter and started lashing out at people who were trying to help me. But I never admitted I was hurting. Never allowed myself to feel what you're feeling now because I was afraid of it.
oO Reminds me of myself. But with more anger and bitterness. Oo
Xira tried to bring her knees up to her chest so she could rest her head on them, but she accidentally flopped forward, her head softly landing on the captain's shoulder. Embarrassed, she struggled to sit back up, but in time she succeeded…
…just to flop back onto her biobed.
Akani: ::Quietly:: I'm sorry, Sir…
She tried to wipe the streaming tears off her face as the captain spoke.
Niac: No apologies necessary Ensign...I'll make that an order if it helps. You're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing.
Akani: What do you mean?
Niac: All of this gear...all the specialists and trained medical professionals in the quadrant don't mean a thing if you don't let yourself heal. That starts by doing what you're doing...by accepting the loss you've suffered. By facing the pain it's causing you. It'll be hard...and it'll be hard for a long time. People will help...but it'll be on you to work through it. You were tough enough to survive what happened on the Rose. I'm confident you're tough enough to survive what comes next.
Xira squeezed her eyes shut for a moment before talking again.
Akani: Captain… I'm only 23. I can't be tougher than you, you have more life experience.
oO I can't be as strong as anyone. Oo
The captain chuckled and gestured to his abdomen, to where Xira assumed his symbiont was residing.
Niac: Well you're right on one count...technically I've got five lives worth of experience...well, six if you count...::He tried to summarize how he'd ended up with Alyndra's impression within Niac and shook his head::...long story, doesn't matter. Point is...I didn't have this idiot with me when I went through the worst of what my career has thrown at me. I was a young officer, just like you, and I had to learn to live in a world my friends were no longer a part of. And it was hard...one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I decided something then that has kept me going ever since.
Xira listened intently, mildly confused at the sixth lifetime, her attention remaining on the captain as he spoke.
Akani: What did you decide?
Niac: I decided to be a stubborn ass. If the universe was out to get me I wasn't going to help it finish the job. So I got myself back on duty and took the tough missions. I volunteered for the difficult assignments. I forced myself to stare a hostile universe in the face until I could make it blink. And...::he gestured to himself::...here I stand, a few broken bones and phaser burns later, but still in mostly one piece. So believe me when I tell you...if I could do it with weaponized stubbornness, you can make it through this Ensign. I promise.
Akani: So essentially you pushed through on pure spite?
Niac: Response
Akani: I…I guess so… it's just…
Xira paused and tried to rub her nose ridges again, trying to fight the flow of tears from bursting the floodgates once again.
Tears burned like pinpricks in her eyes. She wanted to get up, go do something, be anywhere but stuck in the blasted intensive care.
Her body couldn't handle it.
Niac: Response
Tears started to make their way past the floodgates once again, and she nervously glanced at the captain before trying to speak.
Akani: ::voice breaking:: I'm not used to being so alone. I… I know that there are lots of people on this ship, but… I don't think I've felt this alone before.
Niac: Response
[Tags/TBC]