[[BACKSIM]] Lt JG Tess Evinrude - Contemplations on Empathy
Tess Evinrude
((Poolside Dining, The Farm, Endicronimas V))
Evinrude: I know, I know…it’s a very standard “first date” thing to ask. But it occurred to me that, even though I feel as if I know you…from working in close quarters, through life-or-death situations… ::He smiled, realizing the unusual romantic circumstance they found themselves in, trying to have a relationship in Starfleet.:: …there are many things I don’t know about you.
It seemed to Tess that she took a moment to think. He listened to the soft chatter of other restaurant patrons, accompanied by the undercurrent of wavebreak and nighttime fauna. He watched her face as the ethereal glow of her cocktail’s light faded away in synchronicity with the sunset over the waters of Endicronimas V.
T’Fearne: What moment in your career so far has changed you the most?
Evinrude: Oh. That’s a great one. ::Another sip.:: Let me think on that…
oO What moment? Oo
His first mission. Bajor, time travel, powerful temporal intervention by a god-like race. Seeing death for the first time, up close and ugly.
Less than a year later, the infected USS Compass Rose. More death than he could bear to count, though he didn’t witness it firsthand.
oO These moments…have certainly changed me. Oo
He panicked a little internally, hesitant to kill the mood, but also not wanting to lie. Then again, were those moments the moment?
Before any of these thoughts could really take root, he felt her hand again, fingers curling softly around his. A grounding gesture that, whether it was intentional or not, was appreciated.
An idea struck him.
Evinrude: Aboard the runabout Strauss, I was nicked, here… ::He said, tilting his head to point at his external jugular vein:: …by some shrapnel. I was bleeding out…but I knew that my crewmates would be there for me. I also knew that we would prevent that cargo car from de-orbiting. We saved worlds that day, and I put my life in the hands of others to do so.
T’Fearne: ::tilting her head slightly:: I remember that mission. ::deep breath:: I was worried for you, and Alyndra and Sybil. Things turned out as well as they could, but that does sound like a moment that clarified things for you.
Tess wondered, at first, what she meant by that.
oO I suppose it was…a defining moment. I’d never so plainly trusted someone else with my life before. Oo
When he looked back up she was studying his expression, but then smiled.
T’Fearne: Did it?
He smiled back.
Evinrude: I feel that I made the right choice, by following through and seeking an officer’s commission. ::He gave her hand a squeeze.:: It’s worth it.
He had started thinking of a question to ask her in return, expecting a back-and-forth style first date question game, but he noticed that she had more to say. He took a sip of his drink, enjoying the warmth and the company.
oO Note to self, ask about her dating customs! Oo
T’Fearne: From the moment we met, I’ve seen you fixing things, stepping up, taking the initiative, jumping into action when others need you. You act decisively and before anyone thinks to ask. I can see why you’re a starfleet officer. Why you might have been drawn to this life of duty. I’ve come to know you as a fiercely competent operations officer…someone who sings & plays guitar, makes drinks for everyone at the bar…someone who will walk into strange and dangerous places without hesitation to help a friend. I admire that about you. But that isn’t all you are. When you're not being the person others rely on…who are you, Tess?
During that entire monologue, her dark liquid eyes captured his complete attention. She watched him intently and, though he didn’t look away, his pulse had quickened.
Complex emotions manifested as color in his cheeks. It wasn’t unpleasant, and her words were both welcome and deeply flattering. But he was struck by a thought, and it brought a curious mixture of pride, vulnerability, and a touch of guilt.
oO Does she really see me that way? Oo
Did he see himself that way?
Evinrude: T’Fearne, you’re one of the most impressive people I’ve ever worked with. In Starfleet, or otherwise. For someone like you to notice all that… ::Unable to help himself, he added a little humor, accompanied by another squeeze of her hand..:: …though I think you might be a bit biased…I feel, frankly, honored.
He took a breath, head faintly swimming from the sudden, intense turn of conversation. Was it always like this, dating an empath? Or perhaps unabashed, direct, earnestness was a defining personality trait of the woman sitting here with him, holding his hand.
T’Fearne: Response
Evinrude: Am I stalling while I think of a way to answer your question? Maybe. ::A beat, as a smile crinkled the corners of his eyes.:: I spent my childhood working very hard to behave in a way that others would praise. School, extracurriculars, model behavior as a kid on a starship. Mostly model, anyway. Then, I went to the academy.
His gaze finally diverted, the product of careful word choice. Some of this was being put together in Tess’ mind in real-time, a new pattern of thought.
Evinrude: I learned how rewarding it was to uplift others, and that - to be blunt - helping others to achieve their goals often resulted in achieving one’s own. Mutually assured victory. ::Another beat.:: But, I sometimes struggle with…when there’s no one to work alongside, no one to help or mentor, no one to take orders from or give orders to. I used to write fiction as a way to…distill my thoughts and experiences. ::He met her eyes again.:: I’m rambling, aren’t I?
T’Fearne: Response
Evinrude: I’d like to try. I think that, maybe, my future depends on it. And I mean more than just career, though I certainly don’t want to be a fifty-year-old lieutenant junior grade. To be a good partner, a good friend, a good father…maybe…someday. ::He laughed, and rolled his eyes a little.:: I go back and forth on that last one, but…anyway, to be my best self I think I need to more confidently reach for things that I want.
The emphasis in his last sentence was placed on the word “I.”
T’Fearne: Response
Perfectly timed to a slight pause in conversation, a server arrived with a tray of food and a small folding stand. They were accompanied by a rich, savory aroma that seemed to meet the approval of Evinrude’s stomach, as it let out a quiet growl.
Evinrude: ::To the server.:: Thank you, this looks wonderful!
T’Fearne: Response
[Tags/TBC]