JP- Lt. Cmdr. Ian O'Connor and Lt. Vailani Zoyara- Friends Are Like Stars
rob mahardy
((Ian O’Connor’s Quarters -Room 0402, Deck 7, USS Ronin, in orbit around Endicronimas V, “The Farm”))
Ian woke up screaming and drenched in sweat…again. He had no idea what time it was as he’d not been able to manage much of a regular sleep pattern over the last few days. Only an hour here, an hour there. Caf and sonic showers had kept him functioning (barely). Both are what he went for now.
He slammed down a cup of high-test from the replicator and jumped into the shower. The sonics stung as he’d been scrubbing himself raw for days. It didn’t help. No matter how many times he washed, he could still feel the stickiness of …
oO No stop. God stop. Oo
He couldn’t make it go away. He dropped to his knees and rubbed at his hands desperately trying to clean off the slime that wasn’t there anymore.
oO No, No, No, It’s not slime…God, It’s Zellu…No Oo
He braced himself against the wall as his stomach contents emptied themselves onto the floor of the shower.
His vision blurred and everything went dark.
…
Ian didn’t know how long he was in the fetal position on the shower floor as he wasn’t aware of dropping there to begin with.
Only the chime of the doorbell made him aware of his surroundings again.
He took a long slow breath and pulled himself back up as the chime resounded.
Wiping the tears from his eyes as the bell chimed yet again, he grabbed his bathrobe and made his way hastily to the door as whoever it was didn’t seem to be going away.
((Corridor Outside Ian O'Connor’s Quarters - USS Ronin))
It was strange being back onboard the Ronin. A surprising turn of events that saw her having to go to The Farm for work purposes of course. She would never agree to go to such a place willingly.
Relaxation. Meditation. Spas.
It's worse than Risa! Sounds like it would be more stressful than it is worse. Of course Captain Niac would take the crew here. It seemed that the standards were slipping since she had left. Perhaps she should drop in on Niac and Raga and provide them with the list of regulation breaches she'd noticed on her short walk from the transporter room to Ian’s quarters.
Or maybe that was what was making her cranky.
She stopped outside his quarters. She hadn't left things with him in the greatest manner, and he had been a good friend to her. Maybe more than that … if she had let it… but that was the past and after Gila's betrayal she needed at least one friend in the galaxy that wasn't a deceiving, rotten vole.
She chimed the door once. Then twice. Then three times.
When Ian opened the door, he was in nothing but a bathrobe and she frowned and then spun around.
Vailani: Oh my! :: whispers in shock :: Prophets save me.
Then it occurred to her that he thought that she was someone else. A friend that was more than a friend?
Vailani: I'm sorry. This - No. I'll come back later. When you're not -
O'Connor: Zoya? What are you.., No, wait. Wait. Sorry, I was just in the shower. Uhh, ya know washing…uh..come in or wait a minute here… whichever you want…but don’t…don’t go. I’ll, I’ll be right back.
He hastily retreated through the common room to his sleeping area, leaving her in the doorway and not giving her the chance to say she’d come back later. In his room he fumbled around getting quickly dressed into a duty uniform. He tried to rush and was still zipping his tunic as he emerged from the bedroom.
Slightly out of breath, he smiled at her still standing in the doorway.
Zoyara carefully turned her head to see if he was clothed, and once she was satisfied she turned to face him.
O’Connor: I’m so glad you’re still here. I thought maybe I was hallucinating for a minute. Which…wouldn’t be the strangest thing to happen this week.
Vailani: Well, I'm not a hallucination but then again if I was wouldn't I likely say that :: shrugs :: Maybe I am.
Zoyara pinched herself and smiled at Ian.
Vailani: :: nervous :: I thought you might be happy to see me? I know I kind of left … in a hurry.
oO it would be nice … just once … for someone to actually enjoy my presence Oo
O’Connor: Of course I’m happy to see you. I am. More than I could ever express, I am ::pauses to wipe a tear from his eyes::…but why are you? Here, I mean. What are you…The Artemis isn’t here, is it? Is this professional or…::His pause lingered a bit, awkwardly long:: or personal? Either way is good. I’m always here if you need me…for something. ::he smirked::
Vailani: The Artemis is in orbit of Ferenginar. I volunteered to fly the shuttle for some personnel movements, and a slight detour and I'm here. The Farm :: eye rolls :: I will not be checking in.
As if to emphasize her point, she placed her hands on her hips in defiance.
O’Connor:The universe works in some crazy mysterious ways. Gods know, I could use an old friend right now so I’m grateful for your detour.
She frowned, then eyebrows raised in a question.
Vailani: Rough mission?
She relaxed her arms slightly.
O’Connor: Understatement.
He looked around as if just realizing that they were still standing in the doorway, and used it as an excuse to change the subject.
O’Connor: Please come in. Have a seat :: he gestured to a couple of chairs and a couch in the living area, he turned and moved over toward the replicator:: Can I get you something to drink or eat?
Zoyara realised just then that she'd never been in his quarters. She'd never been in anybody's personal quarters for non-work related activities. She gave Ian a thin smile, wrapped her arms tightly around herself and took the offered seat.
Vailani: I'm fine, maybe just sparkling water.
As he handled that, Zoyara took the opportunity to review his quarters. It was fairly spartan with only a small table, a couch and two cushioned chairs in the living area. A small desk sat behind them that was extremely cluttered with padds. The table was somewhat of a mess as well with a half eaten dinner and a few semi full glasses. Ian quickly scooped these out of the way giving her a slightly embarrassed look before sliding toward the small kitchenette nook.
He programmed the replicator so that two glasses appeared. He brought her over the clear slightly bubbly beverage also carrying the other glass for himself. He smiled again before taking the chair closest to where she sat and pulled the table a bit closer between them.
Vailani: :: awkward :: What did you get?
It was a stupid question, more to hide her nervousness. It was strange both seeing Ian again and being back on the Ronin. It was more difficult than she had thought it would be.
O’Connor: ::lifts the glass:: Just water. It’s about all I can stomach right now. Anyway, what’s going on with you? Things on the Artemis ok?
Vailani: :: Avoidant :: They're fine :: change subject :: What happened? :: curious :: Surely it can't be any worse than spiderbots and Sencha Waves? Or time travelling occultists that want to destroy your homeworld :: shakes head :: I still have dreams about that.
O’Connor: Yeah no doubt. You had a lot you were still processing when you left…::he almost said “me”:: left Ronin. I meant to…meant to reach out more. Ya know, other than the quick “hi” messages…but I didn’t want to pry. Please don’t think I didn’t care, I just wanted you to have whatever space you needed…to deal however you needed to deal. You lived a whole life in the past. I never wanted to press on that.
Vailani: I … It's been an adjustment. I moved to a mission specialist role, again. I'm helping the new Chief of Ops transition. A friend of mine … well, she turned out not to be a friend actually :: dismissive :: Such is this life that we live.
O’Connor: But are you truly living this life? Are you happy? ‘Cause you deserve that, ya know.
Vailani: I'm doing well. If I wanted a counselling session I'd have visited that awful Ferengi that hangs around this ship like a bad smell.
He smirked and again shifted the focus back on her.
O’Connor: Sorry, not trying to go too deep, I just was wondering how things are going… So how’s things with your dad?
She dipped her eyes, as she remembered the conversation where she had indicated her father's disapproval of Ian. Or the disapproval she suspected existed. She had made no official records of her involvement with Ian but she knew that he would have got a whiff of something. Vailani Tovan had eyes and ears in all corners. Especially when it came to his children.
Vailani: He's still on Starbase One. I think they want him to retire or take a desk job :: shrugs :: He'll never do that. He thinks I only got the job on the Artemis because of Frontier Day.
O’Connor: I’m sure he knows you are here….and I doubt he’d be thrilled…But you got the job on Artemis because you earned it. Don’t doubt that.
She didn't doubt the truth in Ian's words but something inside of her resented them anyway. Her father may not show his love in ways that were considered conventional but then again he had never had a conventional life. She wondered how many parents of Starfleet officers cared enough about their children to monitor them.
oO he loved her … in his way Oo
Vailani: Enough about me and especially my father. I came here to find out about you.
O’Connor: Yeah, sorry. Kinda obvious I’m avoiding that, huh? ::closes his eyes::This… This last mission…It was horror. The disease we encountered. ::repens his eyes, which are now filled with fright just to talk about it:: the way it killed them. Melted…melted in my arms. She…
He got up and turned away from her struggling to compose himself.
Vailani: That sounds awful… Ian…
She stood up and approached him, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder. She knew what it felt like to lose someone …
O’Connor: She…Zellu… was a friend from the Academy. We weren’t super close but…just one of those never was but could have been things, ya know.
She didn't know. She had no friends at the academy and no one that wanted to be her friend to even consider a ‘could have been’.
Maybe Ian could have been…
Vailani: :: unsure of what to say :: It wasn't your fault.
The words felt hollow, and performative. She applied pressure to her hand and urged him to turn to face her.
Vailani: Ian, losing someone is like losing a part of yourself along with them. It dies inside of you but it doesn't really go away, it's there. In you.
Tears had filled his eyes when he turned back around. He held a fist up to his mouth and exhaled into it as he tried to steel himself.
O’Connor: I’m struggling. It’s so raw right now. I don’t have a clue how to process this. Bury my head, scream and cry, run away, punch something and probably break my hand... I tried to be normal for the last couple days. Do stuff. Get the mind off it…but I can’t. This place, The Farm, I don’t know. Part of me doesn’t want to relax and take it easy. Too much time to think. It’s always there. Haunting…
Vailani: You could do all those things. After Clara :: beat :: Well, after that and everything that happened with Wrath I airlocked my d’ja pagh. A family heirloom that had been passed to me from my mother. I was angry at the Prophets, I thought they had abandoned me and I lashed out. I'll never get that back. All of that, it nearly destroyed me. I reached out to the Captain and others. They helped me heal. Is there anyone on the Ronin you could speak to?
O’Connor: I don’t know. I know I’m going to have nightmares. I know that this is going to take time. I know I don’t want to be alone but at the same time I’m afraid to be around anyone. I know I’m no good to anybody else until I fix myself. I’m not sure how to do it though. I’m not even sure Ronin or Starfleet is the place to do it.
Vailani: You being serious, Ian? It might not be the best decision to change your life like this. I can't believe I'm about to say this but maybe you should use the facilities on The Farm?
O’Connor: No, I know no rash decisions. Despite being the impulsive pilot, I get it. Shortrith, our new counselor, has offered to listen but I think maybe I should get help from someone I don’t know, have no connection with. Someone I’m not afraid I’ll lose.
Zoyara placed a hand on his and squeezed gently.
Vailani: I think that's a good idea.
O’Connor: Hey, I do have my occasional moments of wisdom. There aren’t many but…
He went to return the hand squeeze and quickly pulled back. His eyes met hers apologizing for his action.
O’Connor: Zoya, sorry, that wasn’t you. I’m scared. I’m scared to touch you. :: his hands trembled:: That my hands will sink in. That you’ll melt into…into…
He turned away, tears welling up.
Zoyara hesitated, she felt inadequate for this conversation. She was a fool for coming here and thinking that somehow she could be a friend to anyone.
Words. They failed her. She failed Ian.
She failed Gila.
She failed Luxa.
She failed Clara.
Vailani: I'm sorry… I shouldn't be here Ian. I'm just making things worse. It's
She pushed her hair away, and turned from him. She couldn't look at him. His face, contorted in pain. The type of pain that a hypo spray couldn't fix. It lived deep in your soul. She looked out the window of his quarters.
Vailani: Why do horrible things have to happen?
As they stood at the window and gazed out at the stars Ian remembered something Zoya had mentioned what now seemed like forever ago.
O’Connor: A wise woman once told me that the stars can help with bad news and she liked looking at them when she felt sad.
Only then did he realize that this time he was the one who’d taken her hand. It felt solid and supportive.
He was still scared deep inside but when he turned his head and looked deep into her green eyes things seemed a little bit brighter.
She smiled, in a moment all of the horror seemed to wash away. The anxiety dissolved with the gentle squeeze of a hand. Connection.
Vailani: Friends can be like stars, too. I think a wise woman would say something like that.
_______________________________
LT Vailani Zoyara
Mission Specialist
USS Artemis-A
As written by
Cdr. Ava Munro
First Officer
USS Artemis-A
A240004LL2
AND
Lieutenant Commander Ian O’Connor
HCO
USS Ronin NCC-34523
R240009IO4