JP Meidra Sirin & Yogan Yalu — One's only rival is one's own potentialities, Part 2

[Meidra Sirin]

(( Counselor’s Office, Deck 2, USS Resolution ))

Yalu:  For whatever reason, ever since we took Excalibur to Bajor, I’ve been– ::beat, deep breath:: preoccupied by the memories of one host.  To the near-exclusion of the other six.

Sirin:  Has it been Eira? She was a most accomplished woman. I could see why she’d want to take part in a Gratitude Festival.

Yogan smiled, recalling the memory of Meidra embodying the fiery and principled Trill senator, his seventh host, Eira.  The experience marked a turning point in their friendship, as well as his understanding of the woman who had shared her existence with Yalu immediately before Yogan himself.

Yalu:  ::chuckles::  No, I wish.  If it had been Eira, I might have enjoyed my time on Bajor much more.  Unfortunately, she’s been a blur to me.  And so have Zedro, Edanne, Omed, Keroga, and Benim.  The only one I’ve been getting recently is Auzell.

Sirin:  I apologize, which host was that?

Yalu:  My sixth host, just before Eira.  She was, coincidentally for my current situation, a Starfleet officer.  Tactical.  Served aboard the USS Valley Forge during the Dominion War.

If Yogan recalled correctly, Meidra had been in her mid-twenties during the Dominion War.  The galactic conflict had affected billions of lives, and he wondered what the younger Meidra had been up to then; whether or to what extent it might have altered the trajectory of her life.  Yogan was only 11 years old when the war broke out, and his memories were largely tangential; it affected him little.  Auzell’s, however.  Well, that was the whole reason why he was so torn up.

Meidra thought back on what she knew of that time. She hadn’t been anywhere near Federation space during the war, helping her brother heal from his injuries and trying to start a new life together had sent them on paths best not spoken of now that she was with Starfleet. She coughed, getting back to the matter at hand.

Sirin:  Was her life so different from your own?

Yalu:  That’s the thing.  My life is paralleling hers in a lot of ways right now, and it’s– ::beat, laughs frustratedly:: it’s difficult to have her so loud and at the forefront of all my thoughts.  I mean, getting promoted to Lieutenant Commander, and then Genkos asking me to be his first officer while the captain and Commander MacKenzie are away.

Yogan turned his eyes toward an indeterminate spot on the ceiling and stared into the distance for several seconds, trying to will his overwhelm away.  He took a slow, deep breath before continuing.

Yalu:  Auzell was a competent, professional, dedicated officer.  But she was also impatient and risk-prone.  She had little room in her life for doing things by-the-book.  I’m worried that her influence will interfere with my responsibilities to Genkos, the ship, and the crew.

Sirin:  Do you think that you will become reckless?

Yogan kept his eyes fixed on that spot on the ceiling.  It was a difficult question, because in his estimation, he already had.

Yalu: Trill Initiates spend years learning how to safeguard themselves against memories that scare them, or threaten to overwhelm their personality.  I don’t think I’m losing myself– ::beat:: I mean, I don’t think I’m losing Yogan.  But my ability to maintain that balance, to remain the host— I feel like that is compromised.

The counselor glanced at whatever spot Yogan was staring at, trying to find answers to questions that hadn’t been thought of yet. This was new territory for both of them, and she wanted to be certain that she understood what was happening before giving an opinion. He was the most level headed person she had ever met, and it was disconcerting that he was having these feelings. 

Sirin: You say she was competent, but not really one for rules. Do you find yourself leaning towards more...risky behavior lately? Is she controlling your thought patterns to act, well, less like Yogan and more like Auzell?

Yogan shook his head, then stood up.  The office was small, not much room for a person his size to pace anxiously, but he did his best.  Two, three steps were all he could manage from bulkhead to bulkhead, which probably made him appear more frantic than he actually was.

Yalu: No, that’s not it.  ::crosses arms, leans against the bulkhead::  I don’t feel controlled.  It’s more like I feel–– ::beat:: her influence.  Her emotions and her memories are so strong.  It’s hard to remember that they’re not mine.  They’re not Yogan’s.

Sirin: This may be a strange question, but have you tried talking with her? Find out why she’s the loudest? Perhaps she has something to teach you that she couldn’t while the other voices were equally heard.

Yalu: ::resumes pacing, scoffs:: That’s ridiculous.  ::beat::  Sorry.  She’s been a part of me for years, just like the rest of them.  What could I learn from her that I don’t already know?

Sirin: Maybe a warning, maybe just telling you to eat better. ::winks to lighten the mood:: Whatever it is, she definitely seems to have something to say.

If he were himself–whatever that meant anymore–Yogan would probably have chuckled at Meidra’s levity, and even added a quip of his own to break the tension.  Instead, he re-crossed his arms and looked back at the ceiling.

Yalu: ::sharply:: She’s dead.

Meidra sighed inwardly. Rationally, she knew that he was not attacking her with his tone of voice, and chose to keep her next words as calm as possible. He should never feel that negative emotions could not be shared with her in the safety of her office. Or anywhere, really.

Sirin:  That didn’t stop you from speaking to her during your zhian’tara. ::pause:: I understand the circumstances are different, but that doesn’t mean that she is lost to you now. Tell me more of her, please.

Yogan sat back down, elbows resting on knees, and cradled his head in his hands.  Despite the omnipresence of Auzell’s memories in his mind, recounting them was still difficult.  And exhausting.

Yalu:  ::quietly::  The captain and first officer had been lost.  Auzell was in command.  Valley Forge was all but destroyed.  She stayed behind to keep the shields functioning as long as possible.  A power relay exploded behind her, and she was pinned between two sections of bulkhead.  ::beat::  Some ensign–whose name Auzell never learned–carried her to an escape pod.  She survived long enough to be rescued by another ship.  They managed to save the symbiont.

Yogan didn’t need to explain the rest.  “They managed to save the symbiont” meant only one thing: that nothing could be done for the host, and the symbiont was removed before they both died.

Meidra could not stop the small gasp that escaped. She might not fully understand the bond of a Joined Trill, but she empathized with the sense of loss her friend carried inside him from each death remembered.

Sirin:  I know you have said that she is not leading you into actions you would not willingly follow on your own, but I still wonder if something about her frightens you. 

Yalu:  It’s not the influence of Auzell’s personality, or her attitude, or even her actions that I’m afraid of, Meidra.  It’s the life she never got to have.  Her unfinished business.  I feel this overwhelming–– ::beat::  obligation, to continue what she started.

The counselor nodded, putting the pieces together slowly. He wasn’t losing himself as much as trying to help another find their way. 

Sirin:  You...want to complete some goal that she had before she died? ::sits back:: Well. That seems admirable in a way. Every life deserves to have its legacy preserved. ::takes a sip of her drink:: You feel you have to follow through on whatever it is that she left undone.

Yalu:  Not exactly.  ::beat::  But close enough, I guess.  And that’s why this promotion and new position on Resolution really couldn’t have come at a worse time.

Sirin: Explain, please.

The late hour and the dredging up of unpleasant memories had caught up with Yogan, hitting him like a slipstream freighter.  He felt suddenly fatigued, as if he could fall asleep sitting upright in his chair.  He spoke slowly, his eyelids growing heavier with each word.

Yalu:  Auzell Yalu does not serve on this ship.  Yogan Yalu does.  I have to remember that.  This is not the time for heroics, or misguided ambition, or trying to live out a dead woman’s fantasy.  Even though all we’re doing is babysitting some insignificant corner of the galaxy, I have to remember that.  ::long pause, to himself::  I have to remember that.

End scene.

Lt Meidra Sirin
Counseling Officer
USS Resolution
R239707MS0

and

Lt. Commander Yogan Yalu
Helm Officer
USS Resolution NCC-78145
Justin D238804DS0