Commander Etan Iljor & Ensign Lhandon Joseph Nilsen - Looking for Ihsehelm Part 2
Thomas Sanderson
((First Officer’s Office, Deck 2, USS ‘Oumuamua))
The conversation then returned to the mission from Nilsen's perspective.
Nilsen: We then picked up a distress call from the USS Nautilus. Maxwell and Promontory found out that the Nautilus went missing in action 20 years ago, I set a course and then we rendered aid, we transported the injured over to the Oumuamua and then you found us.
2nd Lieutenant Arturo Maxwell was another new face aboard the Oumuamua that Iljor heard good things about. He made a mental note to introduce himself.
Lhandon had continued to spoke in the ensign default setting of listing the tasks performed as if it was nothing more than ordering food from the replicator. Perhaps there was a comfort that ensigns got out of it.
Etan: I see. :: he said in a carefully neutral voice. ::
Nilsen: and erm you know the rest sir.
Etan: Indeed. :: he regarded the pilot for several seconds, scrutinising his distinctive features. Then he leant forward, placing his hands on the desk and intertwining his fingers. :: Take hindsight out of the equation for a moment. Strip events down to the bare facts: how do you feel you performed? :: he held up a finger, before Nilsen could reply. :: And don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. :: beat :: Tell me your unvarnished opinion as you see it.
All too often in Starfleet, junior officers were overlooked by their superiors. Their opinions were rarely sought. They were seen as being there to carry out orders and nothing else. Iljor, however, had never subscribed to that interpretation. So-called “Lower Deckers” often had unique perspectives and the First Officer wanted to hear them.
Nilsen: My opinion? My unvarnished opinion sir? I erm, I don’t know. You are the first to ask me that, since (beat) well you’re the first starfleet officer to ask me for my opinion on how I did…rather than being erm, told what I did…wrong.
Iljor leant back in chair and scrutinised the flustered curly haired pilot. A frisson of recognition crossed his thoughts and he suddenly found himself remembering another nervous newly commissioned ensign stood before their first officer, a self-described “hardass”. In that moment, he decided to be kind.
Etan: That’s alright. Why do you think that is?. :: he shifted in his chair. :: Take your time. :: he added. ::
Nilsen: Well I erm…they see me from a farming colony at the backend of the federation and well…sometimes humans from earth can be rather…erm yeah.
Lhandon looked down at his feet as if he was used to a certain position, a certain sense of being reminded of his place, being lower than others. But now, here was a Starfleet Officer not just asking for his opinion, but treating him as a human, an equal whose insight was both valued and invited. He struggled for his next words.
Nilsen: Erm, regarding my performance. I think I kept it together erm,even though I was nervous. I had been working to get to the bridge for a while, I just wasn’t expecting it to happen so suddenly, erm I erm, suspect someone is looking out for me and I am grateful for them.
Lhandon paused for thought, after he spoke and he looked beyond Etan to the wall behind.
Iljor did not reply. Instead, he placidly waited until Nilsen found his voice again.
Nilsen: I think I flew well, erm, she’s a very nice ship to fly, and I think she likes me back. I am happy that I was able to manage the erm, the pod beam out so the rest of the ops crew could focus on the Nautilus.
Lhandon then stopped talking, not knowing what to say next, and not having the practice of forming a reflection in a healthy way. Perhaps he wished he was back in ensign default mode.
The First Officer smiled and rose to his feet. He turned his back to Nilsen and stared out of the window. The great cosmos- the Prophet’s unknowable tapestry- stretched out before them, infinite and vast.
Etan: I think you don’t give yourself enough credit, Mr. Nilsen. :: he said, after a few seconds of reflection. :: On your first mission, you piloted a state-of-the-art Federation starship through a bizarre and indecipherable phenomenon, and maintained an open comm channel with a stricken Federation vessel, helped to coordinate rescue efforts- and managed to keep it together. :: he turned around. :: I read all the logs on the ship you see.
Nilsen: I mean, when you put it like sir. I erm suppose it wasn’t a standard mission we had there
A mirthless chuckle escaped Iljor’s lips.
Etan: Would you like to know what happened on my first mission as a newly commissioned officer, Ensign?
Nilsen: Of course sir?
Lhandon replied expecting a most mundane answer.
Etan: A terrorist put a hole in the side of the ship I was serving on at the time. While I was in the room. :: beat :: I almost joined The Prophets that day.
Nilsen: ::nodding with a mix of empathy and respect:: I think maybe you win for most erm non-standard first mission
Etan: I guess what I am trying to say is that we both faced stacked odds on our first trips out- and we both came through to the other side. :: he let a smile blossom across his face. :: I know you are going to thrive on this vessel, Mr. Nilsen. Trust me.
Nilsen: I…yeah ::Lhandon paused for a moment, perhaps only a few seconds but it felt like an eternity as he hanged on the last part of Etan’s response:: I think I can.
Lhandon’s shoulders dropped, as if he started to relax somewhat for the first time in however many years and let go of something.
Etan: I know you can. :: beat :: Like I said, trust me.
With that, another pause and an admission
Nilsen: yeah, I can (beat) I can trust you sir (beat) and I can trust the rest of you. I learned that one this mission quite quickly.
Etan: I’m glad to hear it. :: he replied with a smile. ::
Nilsen: There is something else.
Lhandon picked up his PADD and accessed his personal files to load up a letter.
Nilsen: Before Dr Kel came up with the inoculation for the (beat) emotional aspect of the nebula, I thought I came to a certain conclusion about my future. ::Lhandon paused for thought:: I was missing home and the academy wasn't (beat) a great experience for me...well I'm sure you've read the file.
Iljor bobbed his head. The ensign’s academy transcript had made for interesting reading.
Nilsen: So when I got this posting, I was surprised to say the least. So I thought I’d stick it out a little bit, see what I can get but then maybe leave, got to DS9 and either get a posting there and join my little brother, maybe on security or maintenance or something. Do a few more years there and then go home to the farm, perhaps start a restaurant. I don't know; have a simple life, maybe find someone, adopt a couple of kids you know, the simple stuff.
Perplexed, Iljor leaned forward, his forehead creasing into a frown.
Etan: I’m not following you, Ensign.
Nilsen: What I'm saying is I wrote this.
Lhandon sighed and handed his PADD over to Eten and the file displayed read *notice of resignation of commission: Ensign Lhandon Joseph Nilsen*
The First Officer read the brief missive, his eyebrows raising in surprise. He looked up from the palm-sized device.
Nilsen: As you said, you seem to know that I’m going to thrive on this Oumuamua, and I’m (beat) starting to believe it.
Trust, that was it.
Nilsen: Sir, would you join me in deleting that letter.
He didn’t reply immediately, his eyes travelling back to the PADD. After several seconds of contemplation, he looked back at Lhandon and finally spoke.
Etan: I’d be happy to. But one condition.
Nilsen: What’s that sir?.
Etan: If you ever feel this way again, :: he waggled the PADD :: You come to me and we sit down and talk it through, Ensign. :: beat :: I know what it’s like to not know where you belong, or to have doubts about what you are doing. But I also know that if I had of resigned in the spur of the moment, I would have regretted it for the rest of my days.
Nilsen: You have my word sir. (beat) You know, thinking back, maybe that’s why I was so, erm ::Lhandon searches for a word but is unsuccessful:: If you’d had seen me when I got called up, I think you might have said I was like a Gaultian Whippet, I pretty much launched myself onto the bridge
Lhandon let out a small laugh.
Etan: Go on.
Nilsen: And I didn’t realise that at the time, but part of me was looking for - I don’t know if you have a word for it on Bajor sir - something. Whatever that something is, I think I got it.
Iljor nodded his head.
Etan: Ihsehelm. :: beat :: It’s not an exact translation, but it pretty much describes that sensation.
Nilsen: Ihsehelm, I like that one, I’ll remember it.
Etan: I’m glad to hear it.
Nilsen: But now I’m here on this side. (beat) I like it here. I’m glad I didn’t follow through, yeah (beat) I would have regretted that.
Returning to his desk, Iljor slipped into his chair again, leaning on one armrest.
Etan: Remember, Ensign: my door is always open. :: beat :: I'm here if you need me.
Nilsen:I…I appreciate that sir. Thank you.
With that, the conversation came to an end. A few hours later, when he had had time to decompress, a handful of thoughts came to him, and for once, these were positive. Salo had told him that he should try to get out there and have more friends, but he had found himself wondering; he was social, he knew a lot of the crew, but perhaps he had been living in the past, concerned with what people might have said about the accident.
Most knew that there had been an accident in his past; some rumours had followed him, but he had tallied up the number of people who had known the details: Kessler, V’Airu, Toxin, Etan.
Kei'ran didn't know the details though. "How could I have not told Kei'ran?" Lhandon had a subspace call to make that night.
Another thought had also come to him: he had a place here, he knew that now. The Oumuamua was home. He went to seven-forward and ordered a prune juice and sat by the window on his own. Lhandon thought about the man he was and the man he wanted to become. He hadn't seen a place for himself for such a long time, and now, there was a crew that judged him not on his mistakes but on who he was now.
He thought about the male role models in his life. Of course, there was his father who was loved deeply, and his older brother Marcus, who had very much followed in his footsteps.
And then the list stopped. Not one lecturer or officer from the academy had made that list. The accident had wiped a lot out for Lhandon, and he had found another hidden cost of that crash.
Lhandon still tried to remember the moment Ukinix had pointed to his console and said, "This looks good," after looking at Lhandon's flight plan for a dive into Neptune. Perhaps if he had been assigned to work under Commander Wil Ukinix for more than just a training cruise on the holodeck, then perhaps, maybe he would have started to deal with this sooner.
But as he stared out of the window, he was refunded some part of that aforementioned cost. Unconsciously, a new name was added to that list: Commander Etan Ijor.
—
Ensign Lhandon Joseph Nilsen
HCO
USS Oumuamua
O240007LN1
He/Him/His (Both player and character)
&
Commander Etan Iljor
Executive Officer
USS ‘Oumuamua
NCC - 81226
C239203TW0