JP: LTJG Josh Herrick & LT Nesre Salo: Processing the Past

[Mark P]

((Counseling Offices, Deck Eight, USS ‘Oumuamua ))

Josh had stood out of the counsellor’s office, shifting his feet a bit uncomfortably. Salo and he had maintained weekly sessions to help counter the claustrophobia. It had only been a week since their last counselling session, but so much had happened between then and now.

He’d implemented some of the recommendations that each of them had come up with together. The counsellor was right that, at some points, it would feel like regression rather than progression. The hardest tactic was coming to terms and accepting that what had happened in that turbolift two decades ago was out of his control.

Now, with the brush encounter on Alpha Brenkelvi II with Caden Voss, he’d been brought face to face with his past. He was still processing how he felt about it, and then there was that literal brush with Eli. This meeting would be more ‘meatier’ than some of the last ones.

He pressed the chime.

((Salo’s Office, Deck Eight, USS ‘Oumuamua ))

Salo: Come in.  

The computer carried Nesre’s voice to the visitor, then parted the doors and allowed entry.  When Herrick entered, Nesre stood up and smiled in greeting, his arrival expected, and she already had tea at the ready.  

Salo: Please, have a seat.

One slender hand motioned to the available couch and armchair, both of which squatted across from another armchair which Nesre currently occupied. 

Herrick: Thank you, it’s good to see you again Lieutenant.

He had been so resistant to these conversations at the beginning, but under duress from Kel and Kovacs, he’d started them and now he was starting to enjoy the outcomes of the conversations with the emerald officer, even though the topics were difficult to work through.

Salo: How have you been?

He took the chair opposite her; he wondered why Starfleet hadn’t used these chairs throughout the ship — they were significantly comfier and perhaps elicited deeper sharing.

Herrick: ::rubbing his hands on his face:: Well… it’s been a week.

Taking her own position, Nesre set about preparing the tea in the fashion that Josh preferred.  His words opened up a door, and she was glad that he was willing to start off without hesitation.  

Salo: What happened? 

Herrick: Well, down on the planet, I came face to face with him. I mean, not really him, but him nonetheless, if that makes sense? Did you read the mission report?

Salo: I did. 

Nesre *always* read the mission reports.  It allowed her to know what had occurred during missions, which would only benefit those who sought her out.  However, she never relied solely on them, because reports were just that - reports.  They were flat, often impersonable, and offered little insight into the minds and hearts of those who were involved. 

Herrick: Well, essentially, these ‘spirits of the living dead’ decided to impersonate Voss. It was jarring at first, seeing him ‘for real’ versus in my dreams. But it wasn’t that he was there, it was more the fact that he wasn’t angry at me. Like, I expected him to be upset or frustrated or…

Josh paused for a moment, he realised he’d lost control of his breathing for a moment and was also just verbally spewing words at her. He looked up into her eye line, trying to see if she was following.  

She met his gaze without flinching, and leaned forward to pass along a hot cup of tea to the young man.  Her smile returned, gentle and encouraging, as she settled back into her seat. 

Salo: That must have been rather jarring. 

Commander Voss was the reason Josh was there.  The man had sacrificed his life to protect Herrick when a turbolift’s safeties were compromised and subsequently failed, sending them plunging.  Despite a lack of fault, the Ensign understandably struggled with guilt, and the event left a lasting scar, and likely did the same on Herrick’s sister who had also been in the lift.

Herrick: It was.

His mind was a maelstrom of words, the whirlwind was a bit overwhelming to get the right ones out.

Salo: Tell me more.  Did this spirit say anything?

Herrick: Not exactly.

He reflected back to his time at the temple.

Herrick: The same being was represented differently to each of us; so for me it looked like Voss but for the Commander, it looked at his Obaasan. They didn’t speak to me perse but Arlill interpreted their sign language and it was more about the beings precedence there.

Of course Nesre knew about the spirits and the reports listed several accounts from members of the team, but it was Josh’s that she was more focused on.  

Salo: Why did you think he would be upset or frustrated?

There was a long pause between the two of them while they looked at each other; it wasn’t an unusual occurrence in their counselling sessions. Josh was careful about his word choice, always trying to be precise as possible rather than letting words spill out of him.

Herrick: I think… I think that he would’ve been angry because of how much life he missed out on as a result. If he would have saved himself, he would’ve continued his career in the fleet, not left his wife a widow and been able to raise his son. But instead, by protecting me and Em, he lost out on all of that.

Her voice went soft as she responded to his admittance.  She knew guilt, knew how it felt, though hers stemmed from a different trauma than his.  Yet, in the end, it was similar.  At times, she still found herself falling into the blame trap, as if she had anything to do with what had happened.  

Salo: It wasn’t your fault.  

A bit of exasperation entered his voice, he’d had these same conversations with himself.

Herrick: I get it, I get that it’s a matter of circumstance, that he made the call, that I didn’t cause the lift to fail, but maybe it shouldn’t have been him.

Nesre inhaled deeply and let it out slowly as her hands laced together.  She tilted her head downward a little, perhaps to get a different perspective of the man across from her.

Salo: This is a common response to trauma like yours.  It’s referred to by a couple of names, usually Survivor’s Syndrome or Survivor’s Guilt.  

Strangely, having a name for the condition made the engineer feel marginally better.

Herrick: So what you're supposing is that this… Survivor’s Guilt… is the primary trigger for my claustrophobia?

Salo: Possibly.  Nightmares, things that trigger responses like that when faced with situations that mirror what you experienced before.   This is actually a symptom of a larger classification.  PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder.  

It was almost as if a click sound rang inside his head. They’d talked in previous sessions on how the episode with Kammus had retriggered this claustrophobia. Maybe it wasn’t claustrophobia at all, it was more about the increased risk of someone sacrificing themselves or getting hurt while in a confined space with Josh. Even if there was no one around during an episode, maybe it was the fact that it ‘could happen’ if they came to rescue him.

What did they call this, a breakthrough? His eyes had almost glossed over as the internal dialogue raced through his mind.

For a few minutes, Nesre didn’t say anything, for she could see the man’s mind working and she wanted to allow him the opportunity to process their conversation.  She gave him space, she gave him time, and only when she felt like he was returning and engaging fully once more did she speak. 

Salo: Having a name for it helps, doesn’t it? 

The question of why, the uncertainty of how to deal with something that returned over and over and over again.  Having a name didn’t take that away, it didn’t cure the problem, but it made the problem more tangible, and that maybe, just maybe, with the enemy now known, the battle could be fought and won. 

Herrick: (a bit unsure) Maybe?

He took a long drawn breath in. He knew the answer to the question that he was going to ask but asked on the off chance that, however infinitesimal, that he might be able to catch some sort of express train to solve this now that it was identified.

Herrick: And the treatment for it?

Salo: There’s no instant cure for this.  It’s going to take time and effort.  However, I’m here to help.  Brodie is here to help.  We’re all here to support and assist however you need, so that you can get stronger and find your way back.

Herrick stared at the tea cup in front of him, the sign of the familiarity that the two had with each other. That familiarity was evidence to Salo’s point; they’d been conversing for a while now, and it seemed like there was no end in sight.

The 27-year-old engineer picked up the filled tea cup and brought it to his lips. After being forgotten for so long during their conversation, it was warmer than he expected. He gingerly set it down on the table before making his next point. It did help to talk, and Josh really didn’t know this other Brodie guy. The thought at spilling his guts to yet another individual was not as frightening as it had been, he’d park that for further consideration.

Herrick: I get that… I do.

The last bit was more to convince himself than the Orion across from him. Nesre wasn’t so sure he did, but she refrained from telling him his own feelings.  She wasn’t him and it never did anyone any good to assume.  

Salo: How have things been lately?  

Herrick: Well, the promotion to acting chief engineer has been a good distraction.

He mentally chided himself, again with his imprecise use of language.

Herrick: What I mean is, it has been able to get me to focus my thoughts and attention elsewhere. I don’t seem to have… episodes… as often.

A lack of episodes was good.  However, that didn’t mean the reason for it was good.  From what he said, Nesre suspected a rather unhealthy habit.  

Salo: I’m going to be honest with you.  That sounds like you’re compartmentalising and using escapism to avoid dealing with it.  

Maybe she, and apparently his subconscious were right, he was putting it in a box again rather than confronting it head on. 

Herrick: Do you think talking to a holo of Voss, or going back to Alpha Brenkelvi would help?

Ironically, that sounded a little like exposure therapy, which Rivka had suggested, though Nesre knew she had done so without a full understanding of what that meant.  

Salo: It’s possible.  Is that something you would like to try?

Josh shifted a bit comfortably in his seat. Was it?

Herrick: (unsure) Maybe?

Salo: This is your journey, Josh, but I will walk it with you.  I’ll recommend steps, but ultimately, it’s you who makes the choices in which way you go. 

He nodded; it was good advice. It seemed like they’d reached an interim conclusion with next steps for the survivor’s guilt. But, there was one other topic that he wanted to talk about and hoped he could count on the counselor’s discretion.

Herrick: What’s your view on… relationships onboard?

That was not the first time Nesre had heard that question, but considering the topic of their conversation thus far, it came unexpectedly.  However, that surprise did not manifest even the slightest over her features.  

Salo: That’s an interesting question to ask. 

Josh noticed that she had avoided the answer. He wasn’t quite sure what that meant — did she disapprove, was she in one herself, was she trying to allude to keeping it under wraps. She pressed on.

Salo: Do you have someone you fancy? 

Herrick: I’m… not sure. There was a bit of an awkward encounter. I had quite strong feelings about them, but I’m not sure on the right label for them. I was angry at them, but now I’m feeling something equally as strong.

The engineer hadn’t had a relationship before, sure he had crushes but this felt different. He’d never put any energy into finding a mate; he knew he wouldn’t want anything superficial.

He wasn’t sure.  Such a response wasn’t actually all that unusual, especially when one wasn’t certain whether the other person reciprocated.  As for hate?  Honestly, it was the other side of the same coin as love, and she had seen how such animosity could turn into something not only more positive, but more powerful.  

Salo: Have you discussed it with him?  Does he feel the same way?

Herrick: ::shaking his head:: I don’t know what he thinks; we quite literally fell on top of each other during a heated exchange. Then, before either of us could say anything, I excused myself.

That sort of retreat was far better than continuing into a situation that would only make matters worse.  In that case, Nesre felt Herrick made the right decision, but that wasn’t what he had come to ask. 

Salo: Would you like to share his name? 

Herrick: Eli.

As soon as the words escaped his mouth, the truth resonated within the man.

Eli.  It was short enough that it could be the full name, a nickname, and without more information, there were far too many officers for her to pick out which one.  She could hazard a guess though.  

Salo: Kovacs? 

Herrick: ::nodding:: The one and the same; and, one of the engineer’s in my department.

So she had been right, not that Salo necessarily needed to know.  Had Herrick not wished to answer, she wouldn’t have pushed, for it was his right to keep such information to himself.  She felt honoured that he was willing to share that with her when he likely hadn’t done so with anyone else, even if he had sought her for counselling. 

Salo: Do you feel like you need permission to seek out something more with him? 

The word felt weird to Josh. Permission; was that what he was struggling with? 

Herrick: I just don’t want to misstep.

Salo: Why is that?

Herrick: Well, I mean, I’m his department chief. Even if it’s in an acting capacity, I supervise him. If something was to ever happen, I’m not sure I want to be that kind of boss. I mean, what would others think?

Nesre offered a small, pleasant smile and shifted a little, her legs switching, one down, then the other coming up and over the first.  

Salo: Well, if it helps, I have no problem with it as long as it doesn’t negatively affect the working relationship, or the working relationship doesn’t negatively affect the mundane one.  Have you thought about approaching him?

The Terran wondered if the counselor had a more liberated view than some of his shipmates. Her discipline was psychology, so interpersonal relationships had more significance. Would V’Airu or Etan feel the same way. He took another sip of the now stale tea, giving space to the conversation.

Herrick: I have…

There was more to be said… but was there more to be shared. Josh pinched the bridge of his nose. It helped talking about it, and it seemed like this wasn’t a concern enough for the officer opposite to take it to the captain.

Fear was the reason for many things.  Sometimes it was a catalyst for action.  At other times, it prevented action.  In this case, it was the latter. 

Salo: What’s holding you back?

Herrick: How do I know if he even feels the same way?

Nesre chuckled softly, then leaned forest, resting her arms over her knee.  

Salo: You don’t.  Unless you ask him. 

An amused smile crossed Josh’s face. Of course it was that simple, but what he lacked was courage.

Herrick: The last time we talked, we literally almost came to blows. I’m not trying to end up in Sickbay here.

Nesre could understand that.  Attraction was one thing, but that didn’t mean they meshed well.  

Salo: Perhaps you could start off with an apology.  It will help him become more open and set a positive foot forward. 

Herrick: (unsure) Maybe?

Just like going back to Alpha Brenkelvi II, the recommendation gave him pause. Stuck in analysis paralysis, he just needed a kick in the pants to get him moving.

Herrick: Maybe not in our own space… inviting him to my quarters might seem inappropriate. Going to his last time did not end well. Maybe the mess on an off hour?

Here he was, asking for advice on what might be a first date or nothing at all.

Nodding, Nesre agreed with his assessment.  Even if it wasn’t inappropriate, inviting Kovacs to his quarters felt like too much too fast.  Granted, she couldn’t really determine that for him or his interest, but in general, she recommended the more conservative approach.  

Salo: That sounds wise, I agree.  I think there’s a couple more things you might wish to consider before you do so. 

Josh had felt like they arrived somewhat at a decision; he was hoping to almost confront it and get over it one way or another. But, that would be too easy.

Herrick: Like what?

Salo: While I think interpersonal relationships can and do work, you need to make sure that your superior doesn’t have a problem with it. 

And while she knew of several on ship, none of the couples worked in the same department.

Of course he’d have to go over it with Etan, he realized and then mentally reprimanded himself. The engineer couldn’t just go around dating whomever he wanted; there was structure and hierarchy. He also wasn’t sure what kind of mood the first officer was going to be in after his JOPA prank; but, likely not generous.. 

Herrick: It makes sense. ::he nodded, as if he was writing down a to-do list::

Salo: The other thing is, if you approach him and you both decide to move forward, set boundaries for both of you, especially in regards to work versus off duty.  Having clear guidelines may seem odd, but I think you’ll find it beneficial. 

Herrick: That… also makes sense ::another head bob::

Keeping personal and professional separate was likely going to prove a challenge, given how their last two encounters had not gone smoothly. Would he be able to supervise Eli in the same way? He spent a minute chewing the thought.

Their time was rapidly coming to a close, but Nesre knew they would see each other soon. However, she wanted to circle back to the original purpose of his visit. 

Salo: I hope it goes well.  Our time is up, but think about what you want to do, and continue some of the grounding techniques. The more you do it, the more automatic they become, and the more they will help.  If you wish to explore exposure therapy, let me know that too.

The phrase exposure therapy reminded him of Brzezinski, at least that’s the term Josh had thought she used in that highly-awkward session. It made more sense in this context, particularly after encountering dead-being-impersonator aliens. She’d still be on his list for a while. 

Josh offered a smile and stood up.

Herrick: Thank you for the time today.

As he walked towards the doors, he hung for a moment inside and looked back at her, with an expression of genuine thanks.

Herrick: I truly value these sessions.

[End scene]

---

Lieutenant JG Josh Herrick

Acting Chief Engineer

USS ‘Oumuamua

O240005JH3

&

Lt. Nesre Salo

Counsellor

USS 'Oumuamua

M239008AD0