Haukea-Willow: How Can I Keep From Singing?
Aly Drolet
((Starbase 118, Command Center, Deck 7, Commanding Officer’s Ready Room))
While deck 8 of the command tower did include access to a chief security office, the chief - presently - felt more inclined to initiate the conversation within Gogigobo Fairhug’s domain, which in a sense was the commanding officer’s ready room. The conversation, in and of itself, was an intimate one - designed for divulging and expressing vulnerable emotions and actions previously undertaken during the mission.
Likewise, the chief, Haukea, had never before experienced sensations of an instinctual nature, mixed with anger, confusion and powerlessness, uncommon on Risa or among the Risian people. Further, her early conversation with Corey Wethern, and subsequent suspicions of Metet, along with McLaren’s own play acting, had left her considerably disoriented.
Certainly, in an alternate reality, as a thought experiment, McLaren would have followed through on her initial act, being sincere in her intentions to eject Metet from the airlock. Haukea found difficulty in imagining what her own reactions would have been to such a situation. What the report would have ascertained. Likewise, the fact she was more than willing to sacrifice herself, to save a fellow officer repercussions, despite knowing full well the choice, and subsequent consequences, belonged solely to them, irritated her in some respect.
And now, as was her wish, perhaps Gogigobo, as an experienced officer, in full command of an entire space station, having to consider difficult decisions daily, had a modicum of advice at his disposal.
Though realistically Haukea expected to not enter into the conversation too formally. She wanted advice from her commanding officer, though mostly from an individual she considered a friend. While most would recommend a counselor, such was not necessary at this time.
Therefore, they sat casually within the seating arrangements provided in the room. Her face was uncharacteristically hidden in her hands, uniform jacket removed for ease of comfortability.
Willow: How do you deal with it all?
Gogigobo Fairhug, who was positioned opposite to Haukea, had one leg situated across the other. Despite her own position, hands continuing to obscure her vision, she had an innate sense he was directly placing his eyes on her.
Fairhug: In our line of work, we don't have a lot of choice, do we?
Haukea had to forcibly collect her thoughts before providing any string of words resembling the all too necessary explanation. And while she would never, in all her life, forcibly lie, she could if the situation required, otherwise, as was typical, she merely left out the information, lying by omission. Though in this case, having the desire to explain, she made an attempt at elaborating on her initial question, providing context and relevant experience.
Willow: Ever since…Well there was one time I saw Corey Wethern almost bleed out and die. And while I’m a protective type of person, I’m troubling myself far more with general wellbeing than before. I think I lost control of the situation.
Fairhug: In the previous mission? How so?
Willow: McLaren had some play-acting and Metet had already irritated me. I got what I can only imagine was angry. Far too angry. I was willing, if it came to it, to have some rather dangerously impulsive reactions.
Truthfully Corey’s near death experience while entrapped on the holodeck with failing safety measures continued to haunt her. Having encountered a small, yet brief spark, of that original fear, she had confronted it with a difficultly disguised professional conversation. To which Corey had reassured her in no less than typical fashion through humor.
Yet, when McLaren, and subsequently Metet, by extension, became involved, the Risian found an unused anger rising to the surface. In some respects the emotion could be considered justifiable, given Metet’s perfectly provided deception. However, Solaris’s own play-acting had prompted a set of reactions that directly went against what appeared biologically possible.
Fairhug: Anger is a natural reaction, Haukea. Especially for someone who has been under a lot of stress.
Willow: Gogigobo, I’m a Risian. Such intense negative emotions are not normal for us. We aren’t naturally genetically predisposed.
She had once explained it thus: emotions were a fact of biology - linked with evolution that - for Risians’ meant their genes were not predisposed to develop mental illness - depression, chronic anxiety, bipolar etc. Still, a Risian could experience the more typical classification of negative emotions - anger, sadness, guilt, grief etc - at a reduced intensity.
Though Vulcans might dispute the comparison, it was there. Risians did not purge emotion, but like Vulcans seemed to avoid strong attachment to them, though with a more limited negative set. Positive emotions - happiness, calm, excitement, curiosity - were often overly experienced and understood.
Yet, to circle back on the negative emotions - connected with mental health conditions - they were in a sense extremely rare as to go unacknowledged among the Risian people. Few Risian medical practices existed for such occurrences.
What this ultimately meant, for Haukea, was that despite her Starfleet education, she had little cultural understanding or guidance for how to compartmentalize.
Fairhug: Maybe not, under normal circumstances, but what we have been through and what we continually put ourselves through is not normal. Not for any race. It's extreme. We do it out of a sense of duty, but really, it's often more than anyone should bear on their own. ::smiling softly:: Which is why I'm glad you came to me. The question is: do you think these negative emotions are impacting on your ability to do your job.
Willow: I can deal. I can do my job. I just want to know how you manage it all.
Stress, as a distinct emotional experience, mentioned by Gogigobo, emerged as a sensation applied to herself. However when considering the application of its numerous connotations -
Noun:
Pressure or tension exerted on a material object.
A state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances.
Particular emphasis or importance.
Verb:
Give particular emphasis or importance to (a point, statement, or idea) made in speech or writing.
Subject to pressure or tension.
Cause mental or emotional strain or tension in.
- Haukea simply could not fathom, or in fact, comprehend. Though, when applying the emotion and its experiences to a subsequent individual, Haukea fully acknowledged their meaning, if only by study of the definitions themselves. She simply had no preexisting personal references. Her parents, siblings, nor cousins, on either side of the family, all being Risian, likewise, would have equally found themselves at a loss.
To put simply, when hammered into thousands of minute individual pieces, Haukea, once again, had no direct cultural practices to rely upon. Furthermore, the verbiage provided to describe emotions was exceedingly limited within the Risian language. Yes, such words existed, however their connotations were vastly varied, slanting to a meaning a great deal of species would not initially understand. Therefore, more often than the chief realized, using her limited understanding, and word choice, she spoke of such disconcerting, indescribable emotions through the lens of Federation Standard.
And despite such an apparent lack of expertise in the matter, where a counselor might have described it as alexithymia, Haukea considered herself an exceptional officer, exemplified throughout her time with Metet. Yet, when she imaged her experiences as those of a sincerely angry individual, though could not say for certain, the security chief had continued to perform at what managed to be Starfleet standard. Although she was not necessarily proud of those actions. Still one could wonder when, eventually, she would be unable to.
Gogigobo himself merely blew out his cheeks, marginally arching his back.
Fairhug: Honestly?
Willow: Yes.
Fairhug: ::sighing:: I don't know. ::pause:: I just…keep going. Sometimes things are crazy…well, most of the time things are crazy. I don't have time to think. If I don't keep going, time isn't going to stop for me so that I can catch up.
Haukea’s eyes, still encased behind her hands, went wide. Despite herself having continued on through the anger, it practically felt unreasonable for an individual to continually place themselves within a similar situation, where they automatically went about their life. To her the indescribable, harshly intolerable sensations could not feasibly be reckoned with - without pause.
Willow: But what allows you to keep going?
Gogigobo frowned, attempting to explain.
Fairhug: I guess…it's a combination. A combination of duty, belief and support.
Willow: Duty, belief and support? I don’t understand.
While Haukea, as a Risian, had been a member of their police system, security force to equate it to Starfleet, she went without some grand notion that most appeared to have. Joining Starfleet had been similar. She merely joined. No ‘emotional’ backing to explain why. Regardless, Haukea did understand the importance of duty, to following orders, to a sense of compounded protection. However, that seemed vastly different from Gogigobo’s perspective on the matter; to which she found synonyms inside duty and belief.
Again, pondering with his explanation, Gogigobo let his legs fall apart, sitting forwards with arms on his thighs, hands clasped together.
Fairhug: Well, we've spoken about duty already. That's why we're all here, right? Through some sense of duty to try to make the galaxy a better place.
Willow: I’m just here Gogi. Maybe if you asked me at a different point, I’d have an explanation. But belief…
Fairhug: Belief…that's what really keeps me going. Belief that, eventually, things will get better. That eventually, we will get it right. You know, all of us. Bardeezans, ::gesturing to her:: Risians, ::raising his eyebrows:: Romulans! Everyone. We've got to believe that, haven't we?...Otherwise…what's the point?
That was it. She had no concept of the point. She merely had a nostalgia for something that never could be and never was. What she was feeling, why she was here, she did not think she would ever know. Yes, she had previous experience with difficult emotions, emesising due to witness of catastrophic hemorrhaging, the fear, sitting in close proximity of assimilating crew - singing Risian lullabies - rage because of insufferable Romulans. Nevertheless, until now, the prominence of such emotional sensation was not as acutely experienced. She was unable to provide reason or logic towards it.
Now, finally, her head escaping her hands, Haukea fixed her eyes on Gogigobo, who would have likely been aware of a shine to her eyes, her cheeks; tears.
Willow: I am unsure what ‘the point’ is Gogi. I experienced those emotions so strongly that I appeared to have left logic and reasoning behind. I’ve become so protective of this crew, the mere thought of harm coming to them makes me sick.
Haukea swallowed harshly, not directly gaging at the reduced space of her throat.
Fairhug: Response
Willow: I nearly lost one crew member in an experience that I was not prepared for being dangerous. If he actually had, or someone else had, I don’t know how I would possibly cope. This past mission, I very possibly, almost, allowed that instinct to win.
Fairhug: Response
Haukea swallowed, sagging, hunched, gasping for breath. Clinically, and by her own standards, it was not the symptoms of panic. She was simply permitting herself to be vulnerable in the presence of one of those many individuals she was exceedingly protective towards.
Willow: I am a security officer. Should I not be protective with the crew?
Fairhug: Response
Willow: Personal safety and agency. I find them to be extremely important. Not mutually exclusive. But I can’t help but think a line could be crossed if I’m not careful. If I suddenly can’t keep going.
Fairhug: Response
Willow: What then?
Fairhug: Response
Lt. Haukea-Willow
Chief of Security - Crisis Response
Starbase 118 Ops
M239512BG0
Ad Astra Per Aspera/To The Stars With Difficulty - Una Chin-Riley
