Lieutenant JG Amelia Semara - The Right Words

[Max]

(( Peach Garden, Museum of Pomology and Orcharding, Dangan Prime, Alpha Isles ))

Being miserable was a very rare thing for Amelia.  In fact, even in the aftermath of a panic attack (certainly a low point), it was an adjective her mood didn't really live up to.  With her head on her knees, Talia's hand on her back, and a fuzzy bat whose nose she could boop at will when she wasn't too busy hiding in her tea, she frankly felt cared for in a way that had been a while despite everything.

Not that it was anyone's fault but her own that it all came out in one big vomit of cortisol.  She'd clutched one too many things next to her heart for too long: her own story of transferring to intelligence had gotten mixed up with the story about meeting Ras in the sauna, which somehow intersected with Alix and Shayne, and the whole thing had a little Tram-shaped bow around it.  Her emotions felt like one of those sand-art kits kids got, with all the different colors spilled over and starting to mush together into a dull, gross brown.  Now she was having to pick it all apart, and was having trouble separating which grains belonged to which story.

Semara: When Ras left...  I kept realizin' I was feelin' around for him before I remembered he wasn't there.  I already know what it's like when he's gone, and that was before...  And I think he knows even less about Betazoid women than he does women as a whole... :: An almost-grin that slipped away. :: I don't know how to do this.  I don't want to hurt him, but I already have.  You of all people know I ain't always good with my words...  There's too many ways for me to just... Make it all so much worse.

Talia shifted herself front-and-center.  Amelia took another sip, then set the mug down, clasping the hands that took hers.  The care and affection from Talia felt like a warm, weighted compress on Amelia's inflamed, aching feelings.

Ohnari: Amelia, first of all, Shayne and Alix's prejudices were not your responsibility to fix or explain away. You know as well as I, likely more so, how the unknown can scare and unnerve a lot of logical minded people. That being said, ::she leaned forward holding eye contact:: I am not going anywhere. Ever. You are my magical, wonderful friend and there is not a thing "wrong" or "weird" about you. 

Amelia's lips pivoted around various points for a moment, trying to decide whether or not to believe Talia.  It wasn't Amelia's natural state to leave an uncomfortable relationship alone.  She wanted to help.  To connect.  To make others feel comfortable and respected and valued.  Yet, somehow that had been confused with instead simply hiding an important part of herself to make others more comfortable.  She thought it was working, but...  Maybe it was.  Perhaps a little too well.  And it wasn't working for her own sake.

Still, there was at least one point of contention she could factually make.

Semara: The other day I baked an apple pie for a man I never met before. Then when another man got a little upset and saw that pie, I baked a second one for that person...  You sure that ain't a little weird?

Ohnari: ::snorting:: Ok, touche. But it's the best kind of weird. Which...leads me to Ras. Hurt though he may be, are you sure he is hurting for the reason you think he is...?

That was one thing she was relatively certain of.

Semara: He expressed interest in me pretty clearly.  The way he closed up when I didn't follow through... It felt like rejection to him, I think.

Ohnari: ::smirking:: First, give me exactly four seconds to process Ras El'Heem not being an asexual being I've always pegged him for...::she paused, closed her eyes and shimmied her shoulders:: Ok, got it. Still weird, but got it. ::her eyes opened:: He opened a proverbial door, and it sounds like, to him, it may have been slammed in his face...have you tried talking to him?

Frankly, that whole realization took Amelia a moment too.  Was there something that made Amelia a little proud and a little flush that she'd garnered the attention of a formerly-confirmed bachelor?  She'd never tell.  But she had to frown at that last question.

Semara: Are you kiddin'?!  I could barely get a single word out when I realized what was happenin'.  I still ain't got a clue what to say!

That, apparently, made Talia laugh.

Ohnari: Ah yes. The tried and true "panic option". Strict avoidance and praying for a lobotomy to forget the whole thing. ::smirking:: I may or may not have done that myself...

Amelia huffed half-amused in response, finally feeling Talia got it.  It was pretty ridiculous hearing her own nonsense come back at her from someone else.

Semara: I did say it's dumb, didn't I? :: A half chuckle, shaking her head. :: But I don't get it.  I've never panicked like that before.

The scary thing?  Saying that out loud only made Amelia realize just how important this was to her.

Ohnari: ::smirking:: Alright little Ms. Intel, ::she winked, indicating it was loving:: Let's do some investigating: Was the advance unwelcome? Or just unexpected?

Amelia's body finally started to unball, legs flattening out and feet flopping outward.

Semara: Well it was definitely unexpected...  We were just sittin' there in the sauna naked in the heat, talkin'...

A strange beast made some sort of noise, cutting her off.  No, wait - that was just Talia staring back at her at full attention...

Ohnari: ::holding up her palms:: Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean you were both naked?!? ::laughing:: Oh by the Gods Amelia...

Amelia stared blankly for a mute moment.

Semara: ...Ain't you supposed to be naked in a sauna?

Ohnari: Response

Semara: :: Dumbly :: Oh.

Goddesses, she used to be quicker with these things before so much headspace was taken up by a boy.  Her own realization finally bubbled up, and soon enough she was taken by fits of giggles with Talia's infectious laugh.

Semara: I didn't know he was there until I saw him.  I even hugged him straight away without thinkin'...  :: Grin growing. ::  Should'a seen his face...

Ohnari: Response

Amelia just nodded, cheeks yanking her lips upwards as the giggles turned into a full-on giddy laugh brought on by enjoying the mischief well after the fact.

Semara: He was so embarrassed, so I just teased him so he'd relax and I didn't think anything of it.  If he wanted somethin', I should'a known at that point, right? :: A leftover chuckle. :: We started talkin' about Tori.  He was part a' her life.  I imagined he was like her weird uncle or somethin'...  But it got me wonderin' how he was the person in my life who helped raisin' a child.  :: Beat :: You ever notice the way Ras tries movin' his face to look like human emotion?

Ohnari: Response

Semara: Well, I was thinkin' part a' the reason the three of us made sense was cuz...  I don't need that.  I thought he'd like not havin' to put on some little play for me.  But he didn't quite take the question that way, and I guess he started wonderin' why he wasn't more than a weird uncle to Tori...  And me.  Maybe talk a' family got him thinkin'?  I don't know.  I was totally unprepared.

Her shoulders slumped.  She'd said... what?  Maybe a dozen total words after his intent dawned on her and before she let him go?  Out of all the brief romances and little dalliances in her life, never once had someone surprised her so.  She always knew what the other person wanted almost even before they did.  She always knew what she wanted to do about it.  It was unfamiliar territory to not have some time flirting and figuring things out, playing with feelings to see what made sense and what sounded fun.

But it wasn't like that with Ras.  Well, he was fun.  He was the guy she built a still with.  The guy who she joined forces with to tease Richard over his lab hygiene.  But he was also the guy who helped her raise a daughter in another future, and the one to make sure she was okay after meeting that daughter in the present.  That was a lot of completely new information and feelings.  No wonder she couldn't make sense of herself or him.

Ohnari: Response

Semara: I like him - a lot - but...  He seemed just as surprised 'bout his feelin's as me, and I've got every advantage - empathy, experience...  After Tori, I wanna be sure this ain't just me lookin' for comfort and just makin' use a' him, y'know?  :: A little smile. ::  I really care about him.  I couldn't forgive myself if I hurt him even more...  :: Halting, lips pinching in hesitation, mustering courage. ::  I ain't sure I know how to show him how I feel, and help him understand all the little shades of what I like about him with just words.  This ain't even the first time I've made a mess by sayin' the wrong thing.  But I've been busy helpin' people - even Ras - forget I'm a telepath, cuz I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.  I feel... :: Beat :: Stuck.  I can't get the right words come out, but I gotta find a way to use 'em if I ever wanna share that piece a' myself with the people I love.

And to think... If she couldn't do it with Talia or Ras, how would she ever seek the permission of a sworn enemy to try forming a telepathic understanding?  There was undoubtedly a certain silliness to all of it, perhaps, but she'd spent so long fussing over the topic now it was all messy and bruised from bouncing around her head.  It was scabbed over from picking at it, and none of it really made sense in her head anymore.  It just plain hurt.

Ohnari: Response

Tag / TBC...

---------- ○● ----------

Lieutenant Junior Grade Amelia Magnolia Semara

Science Officer - Special Projects

USS Khitomer - NCC-62400

A239710MA0