LtCmdr Connor Dewitt - Leading Nowhere

[Tim]

((Near Nolen’s office, USS Khitomer))

He was supposed to be leading. Setting an example. But Connor Dewitt had never felt less like a leader in his life. Since the moment the briefing had ended, he had not gone back to main engineering. He had not even really gone anywhere with purpose. He had just walked. Long, winding loops through the corridors of the Khitomer, like a ghost pacing a starship. Not to think, not really. Thinking implied clarity. What he had been doing was something closer to drowning. He felt adrift in a storm of timelines, what-ifs, and the weight of a son who shouldn’t exist and yet did.

Leadership felt like something theoretical now. Distant. Academic. Something for people who were not unraveling from the inside out. He had just sat through the important discussions in the ready room like he did not care about the questions they needed answers to. He felt paralyzed. And still, his feet had brought him here. To Nolen’s door. Because if he was going to start trying to tell somebody about it… it had to be now.

The door to Nolen’s office slid open just as two officers were trying to leave. Ras and Amelia, both mid-discussion and mid-step. Connor nearly walked straight into them, halting abruptly in the doorway. There was a brief moment of awkward shuffling as they all tried to navigate the tight space at once.

He mumbled an apology, stepping aside. The delay only made the weight in his chest heavier. As the two officers finally slipped past and disappeared into the corridor behind him, Connor lingered just inside the threshold, unsure whether to move forward or turn around and disappear. But Nolen had already looked up from his desk, eyes narrowing slightly with surprise.

Hobart: ::surprised:: Connor, what’s up?

Without hesitation, Connor forced himself to spit it out.

Connor: I’m not sure I should be on duty.

The words tasted strange coming out. His arms were crossed, but not in defiance. It was protection. From everything he could not yet process. From the face of the young man he could not stop seeing. From the idea of a future that had not happened yet but brought loss that already weighed on his soul.

Connor: I thought I could compartmentalize it… The implications. The face. Ayemet. ::pause:: You. Every breath I take since they’re on board, it’s just… there. ::pausing looking at Nolen:: Doesn’t it creep you out?

Hobart: I… haven’t been thinking a lot about that, no. Trying to stay focused on the here and now. You okay?

Connor: ::he hesitated, then let out a dry laugh:: I think I’ve walked half the ship since the meeting ended. Just… corridors. Didn’t even realize I’d ended up here. That’s how okay I am.

He ran a hand over his face, feeling the weight in every line.

Hobart: Response

Connor: I’m supposed to be leading right now. Setting an example. But I feel like I’ve been hollowed out. I did not say a single word during the second part of that meeting, Nolen. You know, I’ll jump at the Captain the first chance I get when I think something is not right.

Hobart: Response

Connor focused on a point behind Nolen at the wall.

Connor: That kid has my eyes, Nolen. And her ridges. And I can’t tell if I’m more terrified that it’s real… or that I’m starting to believe it’s real. And if it is—what the hell does that say about what’s coming?

He looked down for a moment, throat tight.

Connor: So no, I don’t think I’m okay. And I sure as hell don’t know what to do about it.

Hobart: Response

TAG/TBC

LtCmdr Connor Dewitt

Chief Engineer & Second Officer

USS Khitomer

A239901CD3