Mikali sh'Shar - Andorian Blues: The Logs, Part II

[David Adams]

(( OOC: Rolled a d20 to see how responsibly and maturely sh'Shar would deal with her eye problem... ))

(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239711.03, Day 16 of 365 ))

Ugh. I think the crying might have actually damaged the eye. It's really sore, and it feels like it's made of sandpaper when I move it around. For the first time in my life it doesn't feel like a nice soft eyeball anymore, it feels like it's made of metal. Rough metal. Scratchy metal.

The thing looks pretty horrid, and so while it heals I replicated an eyepatch, just like the one I had back in the day. It looks super dumb on me, but the damn socket is gross, and there's this horrible infection spreading out from it. I probably should show someone, but I just keep thinking to myself that it'll go away eventually, and the eyepatch hides it pretty well.

I don't like eyepatches, but maybe I could do something with it. You know. Bedazzle it. Spruce it up a bit. Maybe some gemstones, a pink bow, who knows. It could be quite a fashion statement.

Which I desperately need. Because right now I look pretty goofy. Catscratch howled like a makara bat when I showed her. I didn't really mind. It felt good to see her laugh after the fights we've been having. So at least something went right today.

Dammit, ow. I really think the eye has to come out. I just... worry about the implications of it all. I hopefully won't have to deal with it just yet.

At least the pain means I feel SOMETHING. In that way it's emotionally good. Feeling things is good. Right?

(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239711.04, Day 17 of 365 ))

There was some blood on my pillow this morning. It's like milky blue leakage from the socket. I think that's bad? Catscratch grumbled in the bathroom about the smell, thinking I couldn't hear her, but I could.

Anyway. Another day of work today. I think I'm getting good at this stuff. A lot of my old skills are coming back to me, it just took some time. I performed a full rebuild of a worker bee's environmental systems today in record time. Felt pretty good to feel that cold air on my face from the atmospheric regulator.

(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239711.05, Day 18 of 365 ))

You know what-

<loud, exasperated sigh>

I think this eye is screwed.

The image went out while I was asleep and it's been out most of the day. I just get static and it's giving me a headache. It basically hurts all the time now.

I know, I know... I should have called in sick, but I want to be reliable. I want to prove that I'm, you know, able to work through adversity. The pain will probably go away like it usually does, right?

(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239711.06, Day 19 of 365 ))

I know I really do need to get the eye repaired. The socket is all blue and inflamed, and it hurts to look at things sometimes even with my good eye. It's never been this bad before. Catscratch says it "smells really bad" and her nose wrinkles every time she gets close to me. Caitians can smell things most species can't. She tried to call the station medical team today for me but I begged her not to. It took a bit of convincing but I think I talked her out of it.

When even Catscratch is urging me to go see a doctor, maybe I should listen.

People just don't understand. They don't. Getting the eye implanted in the first place took a lot of time. Weeks of preparations and minor surgeries, and then weeks of recovery after, and they had to bring in a specialist on Andorian prosthetics which took more time. I'm afraid if I see someone about this, I'll be out for months, and I can't claim to complete the program if I'm away more than I'm there.

That wasn't the worst thing though. During work, the vision in my other eye, the real one, went all fuzzy and blurry. For a moment, a few terrifying minutes, I couldn't see a thing except the static. My world was white and black snow. Fortunately, I was in the bathroom so I just waited it out, but I am scared of what this might mean. Whatever infection or problem this is, it's clearly deep and spreading.

Humans have a phrase: "Catch 22". It means damned if you do, damned if you don't. That's how I feel right now. If I do nothing, this is probably going to get a lot worse. I might even lose the other eye. But if go see a doctor, after a noble 20-freaking-days of service in a year-long program, I could be out for MONTHS. Anyone looking at that, and my record, is going to call this a clear case of malingering. They'll say "sh'Shar never got better", and they'll say, "She clearly is just manipulating the program to get what she wants". I want to, need to, prove that I can be stronger than this. I HAVE to beat it.

What would the smart, normal, sane people in my life do?

Carys would say, "Oh my god, go get it fixed you cyan-faced moron!", but in a nice way. Something like, "The program isn't about the work you do, it's about the work the program does ON you" or... something.

Tasha would definitely be a lot more blunt. She would probably just yell and beat me over the head until I went. Like, literally, just hitting me until I physically walked through the door. Hah. God, that woman is amazing. I really should catch up with her more.

S'acul would-...

<brief pause> 

Well, he's not here right now. But he'd want me to get it fixed too.

That's three imaginary votes to my one. And Catscratch makes four. When everyone's that united, it's got to be a good thing, an important thing. The right thing.

But I can't. I just can't.

Gods, my head hurts. I don't know how long I can keep this up. I just want to get through this so I can have my discharge upgraded. That's all I ever wanted. Given how terrible my history is, my conduct has to be perfect. I just have to push through the pain, push through the discomfort. I have to do it for Benna.

I need to do this. I can be stronger than any pain. I can.

(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239711.07, Day 20 of 365 ))

I actually think it's getting better. Today was a little less terrible than the other days, even though the eye looks worse than it did before. Maybe this is how it heals?

Maybe I can actually sleep tonight.

<brief pause>

You know, I do have an Ushaan-Tor that's really sharp. If I just cut the eye out, I can probably keep going for a lot longer. It's only a prosthetic. It's not real.

No, no. That's crazy.

That is crazy, right?

(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239711.08, Day 21 of 365 ))

Pain is back. The whole side of my face is swollen and hurts when I touch it. It's hard to keep it clean.

And when I mean it hurts I mean it really hurts. Agonizing, actually. It hurts worse than when I lost it in the first place and it's now almost all the time. Sometimes it goes down to a dull ache, but most of the time it's a sharp, jabbing pain. I managed to complete my tasks today despite the damage, but even O-J could see I was off my game. The vision out of my remaining good eye was all fuzzy and blurry, too, and it was watery all day—I avoided everyone as best I could, but I think they're starting to suspect.

Fortunately, I think anyone I ran into must have just thought, hey, sh'Shar was crying at work, must be a Tuesday.

Feels like I'm back on DS-17 again, yelling at Luna on the promenade, telling her to take care of Benna for me because I had to go all the way to Earth for the surgery. How weird is it that the specialist on Andorian eye prosthetics is on Earth, right? You'd think Andoria, but no. Why don't people just live where you expect them to be.

<long period of silence>

This is the first time, genuinely, since I got clean that I really wanted something to help take the edge off. The pain is unbearable. And the white... as terrible as that stuff is, it can really soothe anything. I've heard tales of Jem'Hadar soldiers missing their arms, legs, phaser wound in the chest, still breathing, talking, fighting as best they can. Like they don't feel anything. I can believe it; it's like breathing in happiness. You just do the littlest puff, and all your pain, concerns, they go away.

I could really use something like that right now. There was some on Palanon. I could probably find it if I needed to. And I'm getting close to needing to. Just enough to get me through the program. That's all I need.

<quiet sobbing>

Oh gods.

<quiet sobbing>

Maybe it's something I better talk to Carys about before I do something dumb. But maybe I'll just pretend like nothing's wrong and that I'm considering a career change. Become a pirate. Arr, me hearties, thar be plunder off that port bow! Hah!

<long pause>

 

The truth is I'm scared.

I can't stand another night of pain, I can't stand another night of no sleep. Even Andorians need some rest. I think I've reached the point where I have to do something about this, and I'm going to.

Um. Should I talk to Tasha or Carys?

Which one of them is better?

<long pause>

It can wait another day, right?

(( OOC: Roll: 1 ))

--

Lieutenant (j.g.) (ret) Mikali sh'Shar

Civilian

ReachOut Project

simmed by

Ensign Serren Tan

Security/Tactical

USS Gorkon

O238704AT0