Mikali sh'Shar - Andorian Blues: The Logs, Part IV
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David Adams
Dec 5, 2020, 7:38:52 AM12/5/20
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(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239711.22, Day 35 of 365 ))
I'm feeling a lot better. I can get up and move around just fine, and although I kinda look like garbage in the mirror, it's a polished kind of garbage. I did my hair properly — need a haircut, note to self — and it actually looked okay. I even didn't hate the look of the eyepatch.
I tell you what, though, with a few missteps, the medication they give you in these sickbays is great. It doesn't even feel like a painkiller. It just makes you feel normal.
The white is different. You're pain free, but at the same time, you're not. It's like... it's like smothering a fire with a blanket, but the fire is still burning under the blanket. Even though you can't see it, can't smell it, can't hear it, you know it's there.
This stuff though. It's good. And the best part is I don't feel compelled to take more of it.
Probably specifically constructed to avoid addictions. I bet it's made by Vulcans. They would be the kind of folks who would make something like this. Something that works and is boring.
(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239711.23, Day 36 of 365 ))
Today some nurses came into the recovery room and I asked if I was being discharged. They said no, but it was a good sign that I'm asking.
Truth be told I feel like I can walk out of here any time. But when I do I'm going straight to Carys' office. I've still been kinda dodging her and I bet she knows, but she's such a good person that I think she's letting it slide.
Maybe she's making some notes on that PADD of hers. I actually hate it when she writes things down. I know it's an important part of the counselling process, to take down important thoughts when they spring up, but she only ever does it when I say something bad. So it makes me feel like I'm being taddled on.
I don't know if she really understands my position. She must know that I'm trying to appeal my discharge, right? I'm trying to get my commission back, probably at a lower rank — third time's the charm as an Ensign! — and those notes are the kind of thing that might come up in the inevitable hearing. Same as these personal logs, you know? When you write something down, it becomes permanent. It becomes a matter of record. It becomes something people can twist and yank and make say anything they want, and you can't even defend yourself, because it's your own words.
I...
I want to be honest and truthful, and I'm going to continue to be, even if it hurts my case. I'm just afraid. I'm afraid that they'll cherry pick the worst ones.
There's some bad stuff in here. In Carys' notes too. I hope that they look at them holistically, which is a fancy word that means "all of them and all their meaning", and... hopefully whoever's reading over this can sense how hard I've been working for this. How much I want this.
How much I've changed.
<a long period of silence>
I hope I've changed.
(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239711.24, Day 37 of 365 ))
Found out I'm officially getting discharged tomorrow.
Apparently my recovery was pretty good, all things considered, about a 75%. I stayed in bed, I didn't make a fuss, I was apparently a "good patient". Which is something I've never really heard before.
I very rarely get complimented. Even when I did something wrong. I don't know why it is like that. I just don't really attract compliments.
Don't get me wrong people like me, I guess. Most often they want to just get in my pants. Or I want to get into theirs. I'm a simple creature with simple needs on that front, but I sometimes wonder. Do people really... like me? Or is it all an act?
Maybe it's just an insecurity, but I wish I did get more compliments. Not just about how I look or whatever, I don't care too much about that, but... mainly about the things I do. I wish people would acknowledge some of the good things I've done in my life.
That would make me feel a lot better. Mostly when people talk about me it's just negative stuff.
It'd be nice if someone said something that... made me feel good, just sometimes. It seems like every time I open my mouth it just causes more problems, even if I'm trying very hard not to let it.
Is that pathetic? It feels pathetic. But it's also true.
It might be an insecurity, but it's important to me because I've had a lot of time to think when I've been trapped in this bed, in this room, and one of the things that I've realised is that I've never really wondered why I don't get compliments before. I think it's because I always just assumed I was trash, and so why would anyone compliment me?
But now I don't feel like trash. So now I want compliments.
I don't know. Maybe this is stupid. I should just delete this log... it's not making any sense.
(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239711.25, Day 38 of 365 ))
Just a quick one. Getting discharged. I packed up my things, cleaned up the room, and now I'm just sitting on this nicely made bed waiting for the time.
After this, straight to Carys' office.
I feel really, paradoxically, good about how things went. I obviously have a lot of explaining to do regarding why I was in here, but apparently being locked in a medical ward actually gave me plenty of time to think and process what had happened and why, and I think I have a good handle on it.
I don't know why, but as I'm walking out of here, I'm feeling strangely optimistic. Even about seeing Carys and Tasha.
This feeling doesn't happen too often, so I'm kind of hanging on to it. Milking it. Feels good to almost die and come through it, you know?
It's nice to have a win.
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