[JP] Mikali sh'Shar & Commander Valen Carys - There Is No Coming to Consciousness Without Pain (Part V)

[David Adams]

((Counselling Suite, Iana Station))

sh’Shar: ::Mumbling,:: Then I guess I’ll have to think about it. Try to make the right call. ::She brought her voice to its normal cadence.:: What about... telling Benna about why I was “sick”?

It was an important discussion to have, and often the reaction was better when children were told things, rather than finding out. But it was complicated by the nature of the parenting arrangement; Benna lived with her three other parents on the other side of the Federation, Mikali’s contact with her was limited to subspace calls. There were hints that Mikali had a somewhat fraught relationship with the rest of the parents. And of course, Benna wasn’t having an easy time of things herself. 

Valen: It’s a big conversation, and I think it’s something to discuss with her other parents before you go ahead. There’s a lot to consider about how and when to tell her, to make sure she’s in the right place to hear it and has support ready if she needs it.

Mikali nodded her head. There was no fight left in her to push it.

sh’Shar: I’ll hang on to that too, for now, then. I’ll find the right time and place. When... if I can.

Valen: ::She nodded.:: Like you say, it’s making sure it happens at the right time. She’s going through a lot, and the rest of her parents would have to deal with any fallout, so it’s important to make sure they’re aware and on board. 

The thought of talking to Benna about the subject drained the energy right out of her, even though it was her idea. Doubts began to creep in. Valen was right — Valen was always right — it would just have to wait. Mikali’s antenna drifted to one side, then refocused in front of her.

sh’Shar: I’m... I’m kinda tired. This session didn’t go the way I thought it would at all, and that always takes it out of me. Still, you’ve given me a lot to think about. ::Hopefully,:: Do you think we can call it a bit early?

The counsellor offered a smile and nodded, no objections to the idea. They had dug into some difficult things, and Carys was relieved at the thought of a break from the intensity of it, too. A glass of brandy and a call to a friend was in order, to process some of the turmoil she was feeling.

Valen: Yes, of course.

Mikali awkwardly clipped her PADD back onto her belt. The declaration would be saved on her device, if she needed it, although it might require some revisions.

sh’Shar: Sorry I keep misjudging things. I thought you’d be proud of me for this, ::She tapped her PADD.:: ... but I just didn’t consider your perspective and situation. I’m really trying hard to do the right thing, to try and fix everything that I’ve done over the years. It’s not easy. I just... it just doesn’t come naturally. But like anything, I believe it’s a skill that can be trained. I’m just a bit of a slow learner.

Valen: I’m glad that you’re thinking about it. Change isn’t easy. 

Her lips twitched in a faint smile, and she stood, placing her PADD to the side. A signal that their session was at end, an invitation for the Andorian to make her exit when she was ready.

Valen: You’re a Galaxy-class trying to change course, Mikali. There’s some momentum to overcome.

Mikali: ::Giving a playful grin,:: Never flown one of those. Maybe I will, one day.

Mikali stood, reached up and brushed back her hair, and then stepped over to the door.

sh’Shar: Thanks again, Carys. I’ll see you soon.

Valen: Until next time, and as always, call if you need anything.

Mikali stepped out of the door, and into the foyer, where the next patient was waiting... patiently.

sh’Shar: oO Huh, so that’s why they call it that. Oo

She slipped out of the counsellor’s office, and out into the station proper, a slight bounce in her step. Despite everything that had happened, she felt good. Yes, she’d messed up, but Valen hadn’t been too mad — firm, yes, but not angry — and it did feel good to not have burned her bridges just yet.

A glance at the chronometer confirmed something curious for her. She stopped in the middle of the corridor, just staring at it, smile broadening.

Five months. She’d been on Iana Station for five months now. It wasn’t quite the half-way point, but it was getting close.

How did she feel?

Confused. Hopeful. Excited. Frightened. Full of thoughts of the future and crushing guilt in equal measure, the guilt worse than ever before, but there was something else too... a growing sense of personal responsibility coupled with some other, more nebulous, feeling.

She pulled out the PADD again and turned it on, looking over the statement she’d drafted, releasing Carys from her oath. Of course it couldn’t be used — she archived it with a couple of taps, just keeping it in case she needed it — but she felt, overall, good. And it was a strange feeling.

Mikali sh’Shar wouldn’t have done anything like this in the past. Made such an attempt to reveal the truth when it stood to give her nothing. And while Valen was right, there was no present without the past, for the very first time in her life she felt like the past was exactly that.

The past. Something that lived beyond her, was separate from her, and that felt good.

It wouldn’t last, of course, and dark feelings always returned.

But today was a good day.

fin

--

Mikali sh'Shar

Civilian

ReachOut Project

O238704AT0

&

Commander Valen Carys 

Anthropologist and Clinical Psychologist

USS Gorkon

T238401QR0