Mikali sh'Shar - Andorian Blues: The First Day, Part III
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David Adams
Oct 31, 2020, 9:08:12 AM10/31/20
to Gorkon
(( YanCo Employee Domicile 14, Iana Station ))
Mikali sat on her bed and, speaking really to the room, told her story. Catscratch quietly listened, her ear occasionally flicking at an important detail. She told her about Benna, she told her about her ex, S'Acul. She told her about losing her eye and finger (and even detached it to prove it!). She told her about Operation: Bright Star. About Eden and about being murdered, almost, and practically losing her mind.
And about the relapse. About prison, on Bajor and Andoria. And about being... here.
Catscratch: Sounds like quite a tale. Sorry you can't see your kid. She sounds nice.
Mikali smiled sadly.
sh'Shar: Very nice. She's... so much smarter than I am. That's why I'm here, really. I'll send you a picture.
Catscratch: Uh huh.
Mikali shuffled on her bunk.
sh'Shar: So. What are you here for?
Catscratch didn't answer right away, her tail drifting down past the lip of her bed, swaying slowly through the air in front of Mikali's face. When she spoke she, similarly, spoke to the room, above her and out of sight.
Catscratch: Holoaddiction.
Mikali snorted.
sh'Shar: What, like addicted to being on the holodeck? Is that even a real thing?
Catscratch groaned and slumped on her bed with a thump.
Catscratch: Everyone always says that. Holoaddiction is just like any compulsive behaviour; it's purely psychological, of course, but that doesn't make it less real.
Mikali craned her head up to the roof of her bunk.
sh'Shar: How... though? How does that even happen?
Catscratch hesitated a little bit, obviously uncomfortable discussing it, but then pushed on regardless. Fair was fair after all.
Catscratch: Are your parents alive?
Mikali blinked.
sh'Shar: Yes. I hate them though.
Catscratch snapped her fingers several times in rapid succession.
Catscratch: Because of stuff they did, right?
That was one way of putting it. Mikali glowered, antenna leaning forward on her head.
sh'Shar: Right.
Catscratch: Would it make you feel better if they came to you one day and apologized for what they'd done, begging and crying for forgiveness?
It was an alluring mental image, but her policy regarding her parents was firm.
sh'Shar: Probably not, to be honest. They've been out of my life for so long I don't even really think about them at all.
Catscratch: Fair enough. Lemme try something else. What if you could simulate a copy of your ex, the one who got away, and make them fall in love with you again? Come crawling back, change, fix all those things that were wrong with themselves without error, and then become endlessly devoted to you?
S'acul... that damn Caitian. Catscratch reminded her so much of him. Soft and fuzzy and warm and smart, too. Mikali's face turned slightly purple.
sh'Shar: I... might like that. I dunno. I kinda liked him having... you know. Free will and all. It's kinda important for a healthy relationship, or so I'm told.
Catscratch: Right. Because that's the difference between you and me. You're strong enough to handle having an ex that disagreed with you. I... found the allure too strong. I could create a world where my parents loved me. Where my work promoted me, where I was in charge of the company, where I had every single thing I ever wanted, as real as could be. If I wanted to be the Captain of a Starship, I could. If I wanted to be Federation president for a day, I could. If I wanted to be anything it was a few phrases away.
sh'Shar just listened.
Catscratch: So you live that life. You enjoy every second of it, because in there you're a powerful, beloved, beautiful, perfect angel, and everyone is nice to you and kind to you, and out there everyone hates you because you're a screwup who lives in a fantasy. You can make a universe where you are the most important part of it. And that's attractive to you. So you find the path of least resistance. You stay inside more and more. Outside becomes a distant dream. And at a certain point you're asking yourself... why would I bother going out there? Why be that person? Why can't this person be me?
sh'Shar just kept on listening, a numb feeling of existential horror creeping into her bones. She had never thought about it like this. Catscratch's problem seemed far harder to overcome, really, because it was so psychological.
The Caitian's use of personhood switched subtly.
Catscratch: So I stayed in the holodeck. Because the good life is real to me. The holographic characters in there are as real as flesh and blood. And given the choice, why would anyone willingly live in a bad world, when they could live in a great world? A world where I have power. A world where everyone loves me. A world where people do what I say, think what I think, where I don't hurt and can't be hurt, a world where I can do anything I want without judgement or guilt. I can create people, erase people, make anyone think and feel and act any way I want. If I say the wrong thing, I can just say, "Computer, delete last sentence and resume". I can punch my father in the face then make him forget I ever did it. I can kill anyone I want and bring them back to life if I want to as well. I can drink and eat whatever I like, I can have whatever job I want, I can be young or old or tall or short or anything. It's a world where I'm basically a deity. A God-being. So I started sleeping there, waking up there, eating there, never leaving.
It really sounded quite horrible. Mikali stood, then turned and faced Catscratch, her hands on the edge of her bed.
sh'Shar: I'm sorry.
Catscratch subtly reached out, grasping Mikali's hand and holding it tight, little sharp claws pricking her palm. Mikali kept the hold, returning it in kind.
Catscratch: Pretty soon five years go by. Daddy's patience runs out — the real Daddy's, that is, not the fake one who actually loves me — and my own family throw the stranger, the squatter that lives in their holodeck out into the real world, that cold, dark, lonely place. No holodeck. No big house on Cait. No fancy private shuttles.
sh'Shar: What...did you do?
Catscratch: Normal addict stuff. ::she shrugged:: You ever hear of The Nexus? It's... kinda like that. Another dimension. A paradise dimension. One where there's no pain, no suffering, time has no meaning... someone named Doctor Soren came from there. But Doctor Soren knew that once you leave the Nexus all you want to do is get back in. The thought consumes you. You want your "Good Place". So you try. You try so hard you break the law, you steal and cheat and lie, and eventually and you end up walking the same path. Prison. Rehabilitation. "Getting your shit together" programs. A recycled being.
A recycled being. Just like her.
Catscratch: Doctor Soren was a monster for what he did, but if I had a way of getting to that ribbon so I could enter the Nexus, I would take it in a heartbeat -- and I would screw over anyone I needed to to get there. Because I've been there and I know how good it is. And... how fake.
Mikali didn't really know what to say.
sh'Shar: Sucks.
Catscratch: Yeah.
The Caitian's mood perked up.
Catscratch: So. Welcome to the recycler, Mikali. Hope we get through it. Last program was a bust, hopefully this one works better for me.
How reassuring.
Catscratch yawned and let go of Mikali's hand.
Catscratch: Okay. I'm bushed. G'night, love. See you in the morning. If you snore, I'll kick you awake, just like we arranged.
Mikali smiled gently.
sh'Shar: G'night, Catscratch.
She showered, changed into her pyjamas, then slid into bed and soon was fast asleep.
And she tried very hard not to snore.
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